My brother and I are dating the same girl

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want you to advice me on this issue. There is this lady I am in love with but whom l later realized has been in a relationship with my brother before we met. Though my brother lives in another state but comes home once a month. I don’t want to separate them but she is the first lady I ever loved. What should I do? Confused Brother. Dear Confused Brother, She isn’t worth you and your brother fighting over. Let go immediately. If she has any self respect, without you saying anything, she will leave both of you alone. What would have been your story if she had become pregnant for you? Do you think it will ever be possible for you and your brother to relate as siblings? Your brother will always feel betrayed by you. It is an abomination for two brothers to date the same woman. When you didn’t know, it was a different case but now that you know, you will be committing a sin by continuing with her. It is unfortunate that she is the first woman you have ever fallen in love with but she is all wrong for you. Besides, if you ask around, only few ended up with their first love. A lot of people ended up with other persons. Life is dynamic. As long as time exists, the emotional wounds caused by your falling in love with her will heal. But what you feel now will be nothing compared to you losing your brother’s love and trust if he finds out that you are dating the same woman he is dating. No matter the kind of explanations you give, he will not listen to you at least at the initial stage. And even when he dismisses the situation as unimportant, her action would have caused a certain amount of chill in your relationship with your brother especially if he knows that you continued in the relationship despite knowing of his involvement with her. There is always a first time for everything in life. The important thing is to know the innate lesson in whatever situation we find ourselves. Rather than worry about losing this lady to your brother who by right is her main boyfriend, your concern should be on avoiding the kind of mistakes you made with her. In addition, this lady has always belonged to your brother not you. She used you as a spare; in case her main boyfriend disappoints her or isn’t around to keep her company. By now, if you are analytical, you should know what to avoid in any new relationship. Learn to look beyond whatever a woman is telling you to certain crucial details about her. She succeeded in dating you and your brother concurrently because you neglected to observe certain things about her. This episode underscores a flaw in your relationship with your brother. If both of you were opened with each other, you would have known at least known the name of the woman in your brother’s life. In all, consider this relationship as one of the mistakes one makes in life in the cause of sourcing for the real thing. When the time the right girl comes along, you will wonder what you ever saw in this other girl in the first place. Good luck.

Should I continue to wait for my prisoner boyfriend at 42?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 42 years of age. The man I am to marry, is in prison. I have gone in search for spiritual and physical help to ensure he comes out of there but, to no avail. The problem now is that I am getting old and at my age, I don’t know for how long I am going to wait. He has been in prison for five years. Men of God I consulted on the issue have divided opinion on his release. While some say he will soon be released, others say he is going to be in there for another five years. I don’t know which of these prophesies I should believe. To make matters worse, I don’t know anybody in his family. What do I do because I am not getting younger. I have spent all my life’s saving on him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am afraid. Please help me. Distraught Woman. Dear Distraught Woman, At 42, you are no longer a child. Most women your age have stopped having children. As a matter of fact some women at your age have started experiencing menopause. You aren’t even married not to talk of having children. And the man you plan to marry is in prison; and you are not sure when he is coming out of there. To cap it all, you don’t even know any member of his family so what are you still waiting for? It would have been a different kettle of fish if you were both legally married but from what you have said, there is nothing on ground, just a promise that you will both get married some day. Although the bit about you not knowing when he is likely to come out of prison is doubtful considering every sentence has a prison year attached to it, the truth is, even if he gets out of that place today, he isn’t under any obligation to marry you. As a friend and lover, you have done your best to be a friend in need but reality beckons on to put your happiness first. As a woman, your productive years are limited and at your age, your biological shelf life is almost expiring. This means you must make a move if you hope to have a child of your own. This is that time most of us get into in life when we must make a very difficult choice. Granted you love this man but are you willing to give up your whole life waiting for him to get out of prison? What if he never makes it out alive? What would be your consolation and story? Sincerely, this is that time the inherent selfish nature in us must come to play in your life. You cannot love this man more than yourself. If he truly cares about you, he wouldn’t want you to waste the rest of your life waiting for him considering that you are a woman advanced in years. You have to either let go of him or your chance of being a mother. This is not time for sentiments. If at your age you don’t look out for yourself, nobody would. Even now, your options are very limited. Only very few men would want to begin their lives with a woman your age; meaning you have even very slim chances of meeting the right man. Even though you have your reasons for staying on which in the beginning must appear very good and reasonable, if you leave him now, it won’t be that you ran away at the sight of trouble but rather it will be the most reasonable thing to do. That you are married to another man doesn’t mean you would stop being his friend. From time to time, you could still make out time to visit him in prison; at least to encourage him. Love isn’t stupid and is a two way thing. Love without wisdom is absolute stupidity. Yes, it is unconditional but every love story begins with falling in love with oneself. If you don’t know how to treat yourself right, you will never be able to define how others should treat you. The question is, in your shoes will this man do the same thing for you? Would he willingly give up his own usefulness for you? This is the junction of truth. Are you really waiting for him or using the excuse of not having offers from other men to claim you are waiting for him? If you are merely using the excuse of lack of suitors to wait for him, then there is a spiritual angle to your issue. This you must face and stop deceiving yourself by giving the impression that you are waiting for this man when in fact you have a bigger problem to tackle in your own life. When you make up your mind to be sincere with yourself, go in search for the real problem militating against your emotional happiness as a woman and stop playing hide and seek with yourself. Without you being honest with yourself as to the exact problem facing you, you will end up being so disappointed with life. And I tell you it will have nothing to do with this man but your own refusal to face your life squarely. There is nothing God cannot do once you are prepared to be truthful. Chances are you haven’t found a clue to all that is happening in your life because you prefer to lie to everybody and yourself. Go to God in prayers. Once you are ready, He will point you at the right direction to go. Good luck.

My fiancée is stubborn

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am 35 years and my fiancée is 23. We have dated for almost three years. I’m thinking of fixing our traditional marriage ceremony for December. I reside in Lagos while she stays in a neighbouring state. She is a little bit stubborn. If she makes up her mind to do something, she will not change no matter what anybody feels about her decision. She has this attitude that at worst, she will come back to apologise at the end of the day. It has been her way of life and it is giving me concern. The latest incident that really got me angry has to do with a text message she sent me to inform me of a bachelor’s eve she and her friends plan to attend in another town. Despite registering my uneasiness at her decision to attend the eve and telling her not to go, she still attended. Following this, I called off the relationship and told her to forget everything about me. She has since been asking I forgive her. I’m confused. For how long will I continue to live like that? She will always insist on doing things her way after which she will come back to beg for forgiveness. I regard this attitude as stubbornness and there is no way I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has that kind of attitude. I need your candid advice. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, This isn’t a challenge you handle with anger because annoyance has a way of destroying so many things in life. First you must acknowledge that we are all equally allocated a habit that will always irritate others, especially our loved ones. If you care to look inwards at yourself, you will also discover a side of you that don’t jell with others particularly those very close to you. The beauty about life is our ability to accommodate our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. She maybe stubborn but what about her other qualities, that have kept this relationship going for three years? This is the time for you to focus on those special attributes you may find very difficult to replace in another woman. Just as we all have our bad sides, we are also blessed with very positive unique qualities; the kind that will never be available in another person. This is what makes us special. Compare her most unique quality with her stubbornness; place these two attributes on a scale; deep in your mind which one affects you the most? How much happiness and pride has the good side of her given you as a man? How often do you derive pleasure from her integrity and love as a woman? Is her stubbornness an everyday thing, the kind you wake up to every morning? There is no ideal relationship anywhere but a perfect determination to make it work. This means, there are no guarantees that the next woman you are going to meet will be perfect for you. Then the question is, how many women are you going to date before making up your mind on one? At 35, you are 13 years older than her 23; this means you have more experience than she has. At her age, she is just emerging from that age of excitement and fun. Don’t forget she is still in school; the age of parties and numerous friends. If you slow down a bit, you will recall your own yearnings, dreams at her age. True, some people mature faster than others, but certain things never really change. We are servants to each season of life. There is no way a child of three will ever act like that of 10. Just like a child of 11 can never act like that of 21. Every season has an identification tag. The memories of her restrictive teenage years are not too far from her mind. She wants to have a feel of life before she settles down with you. Understandably at 35, your years are counting, hers at 23, is just beginning. If you push her too hard, you may lose her because what you consider her stubbornness may just be a desire on her side to enjoy some level of freedom, an intoxicating substance that requires patience to defeat. As the more experienced one, you must also understand the danger of using too much force to pass across your message or position. Her attitude too could be a way of registering her displeasure at the way you treat or talk to her. Not everybody likes to be ordered around. Perhaps you should verify the way and manner you address her generally. For instance, why didn’t you want her to attend this party? Is it out of concern for her safety or simply because you don’t want her to attend? Even babies become more stubborn when parents daily apply the use of force in putting them under check. Appreciate that she is first and foremost a human being, her own person before being part of your life. You cannot want to structure her to fit your own ways overnight without expecting to meet certain resistance from her end. In school, she is among friends, those that keep her company for now. There is no way she would have been able to tell these friends that you asked her not to attend the party they had long planned for. In her shoes, what would you have done? Peer pressure is a factor which you have to contend with at least until you marry her. Living with friends and in school would make the kind of order you gave her difficult to adhere to. If she gives in to everything you want her to do, she will lose her personality to you and that will make everything very boring for you as the years roll by. Unless of course you want the kind of woman who won’t be able to challenge your orders, meekly submit to your every desire, a marriage needs the contradictions of our individualities to remain relevant. This is the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Ordering her around will not augur well for your relationship. Respect begets respect. However, there is the need for her to recognise that she needs to respect you especially in the presence of her friends. There is the need for you to invite her over to your base for a heart to heart discussion on the way forward. In dialoguing with her, do the mature thing of hearing her out; listen to her grievances against you. Don’t try to stop her from saying what she has in mind. Give her, through your patience, every hope that your relationship is based on equal partnership and that you intend to be a leader and not a boss. Seeing the efforts you are making will give her that assurance to completely go with you. It will resolve some of the nagging issues that is making her misbehave. Every woman wants the assurance that she is special to her man. What force cannot achieve, love and understanding can. Bring out the woman in her by being her friend, champion, supporter and worthy leader. These are attributes you can use to change and structure her into your kind of woman. When a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she won’t do for him. So get her to fall in love with you first before attempting to change her. For now, give yourselves the chance to be happy together by accepting her apologies. But it is important she realises that patience, though elastic, can snap when pulled beyond its limit of flexibility. That while you will continue to support her to succeed and be happy, it also behooves her to accord you certain level of respect. That by being stubborn is evident of her lack of respect for you. Once you are able to manage this aspect of her personality, you may come to find out that she is the best thing to happen to you. But you won’t know if you don’t go this mile to confront the situation instead of pointing her at the door of exit in your life. Good luck

Should my mother be matchmaker?

with Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and I want to thank you for the wonderful way you have helped people solve their problems. I am a girl of 23 years of age, I met a guy of 32 years who is asking for my hand in marriage, but my mother has refused, saying his job is not secure because he works in a private firm. She wants me to marry a civil or public servant. But she has gone ahead to marry a wife for my brother who is still jobless. My mother likes to be the one making all the decisions for everybody in the family. I am not sure I want her to take this particular decision for me. I just finished my compulsory national youth service programme. I am still searching for a job. I have not told my boyfriend my mother’s stance on his marriage proposal. Please help me because I am beginning to hate my mother. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, At 23, you are past the age of consent. You are in a position to determine what you want from life. The decision of who to marry is very important and personal; you have to be allowed to make your mistakes so that you will have the ability to cope with whatever kinds of challenges come from your personal decision. Sadly your mother’s reasons aren’t right. If she had mentioned something about this man’s character, objected to you marrying him based on certain disagreeable flaws, it would have been understandable but asking you not to marry him because of where he works is untenable. Even though your mother’s concern comes from her desire to secure your future since the civil service still offers the best kind of job security in the land, the final decision is yours to make because you are the one who is going to live with the man you eventually marry. This is why you shouldn’t bother informing your boyfriend about your mother’s position. It will only create unnecessary tension in your relationship. Instead, focus on what you want out of life. Your dream is what will help you arrive at the viable junction of your life. You must know who you are to be able to identify who is good for you in life. Therefore, don’t make a hasty decision simply because your mother wants you to go another way. She is wrong, but so would you be if you don’t take time to identify your kind of person. For instance, what kinds of things appeal to you as a person and woman? What kind of man do you think will make you happy? How well do you know and appreciate yourself? Are you temperamental, quiet, loyal, friendly and prayerful? Are strong willed or the kind of woman who likes the man to take the lead in her life? Do you have a complex or a lady who is proud of the skin and shape she is in, no matter what happens to her? Are you easily influenced by the opinion of others concerning you or the kind that makes her own rules? I asked this cocktail of questions to help you take a closer look at yourself. If you don’t know who you are, how can you recognise the man that will make you happy? What you don’t have, you cannot give. If you are the kind of lady who is forever floating with the wind, never putting in the extra efforts to define your own space, chances are you will end up with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons. To avoid your mother and siblings sneering at you in the event of a major disagreement between you and your own choice of a husband, it is crucial you take time out to answer these questions with all the honesty within you. Doing so, will help you recognise the inherent qualities you need to make the difference in life. It will help you marry the right person for you. When you are with your right partner, such things your mother is worrying about won’t matter. This is because you will always have the will to soldier on whatever the condition you and your partner find yourselves. Most of the challenges and problems that many couples face come from the foundation they lay at the onset of their relationship. One thing is for this man to offer you a proposal of marriage; another thing is for you to be certain that he is right for you. Once you are positive he is the kind of man for you, go ahead with your own plans while you keep praying to God to intervene on your behalf. If the man is good, responsible and is respectful, your mother will eventually come to appreciate him. Don’t hate your mother. She is only doing what she feels is right to protect her children. When you are on the other side of life, you will understand why she is bothered about the job security of the man. Mothers can be pains at times but be assured she loves you and means well for you. We are all victims of our individual experiences. She definitely has her reasons for actions. It is a matter of you having the patience to ask and the wisdom to understand. Good luck.

My hubby says I am caging him

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I shy away from discussing my marital problems with friends because one can never tell what their motives really are. I have been married for over 20 years with three wonderful children who are all in school now. We have had our problems one of which is womanising by my husband but so far, we have managed to get through it without breaking the marriage. Of course, like every woman, I have been harping on the need for him to remain faithful to our vows and stressing how his actions hurt me. He has repeatedly made promises to desist from his act but he is always going back on his promises. It has become a cycle in our marriage. The latest issue is that he is feeling caged. We work in the same place and drive to the office together. Initially, we used to travel together most weekends but after a while, I felt it did not allow me to effectively take care of the house and so I now join him on alternate weekends. He also travels a bit in his job and once every two months to visit the children. I felt the times away would afford him the opportunity to fulfill every of his erotic desires with other women. In the many years we have been married, my life has revolved around him and the children and when they left for school, both of us did things together. I am sad that he now thinks I am caging him; feels I should give him space. Sincerely, I am quite willing to do that if that is what he wants. I am planning to tell him that he can travel alone weekends and maybe drive to work on his own if that will make him have his space. I do not know what else I can do short of leaving the house for him. Another problem is that I am not sure how I can occupy myself during those times he would be away as I do not want to get into anything that will embarrass my children at my age. Please advice me on what else I can do to give him space and also on the type of things a middle aged woman can do to keep her occupied. Chinyere. Dear Chinyere, What your husband is going through is midlife crisis. He wants to relive that heyday when he was still young and attractive. He isn’t alone. At the prime of life, many men and women want to hold on to every remnant of those youthful days. I know how much it hurts to share your man with different women but this is the time he needs you the most; the time women must learn to be extra patient and tolerant of the men in their lives. Not many people are prepared for old age. Yes, we all pray to be old but when it suddenly dawns on most people that the future has caught up with them, they panic. Whether you like it or not, this is the time you need him the most so don’t just give him up. He says he is feeling caged because he cannot do some of the things he did back then. What he is contending with is more than you. It is more of a psychological problem, which you must help him overcome. Because the struggle is from within, he understandably feels caged; in his mind you are really cramping his style. Just like those old days of his teenage years, he wants to burst loose of restrictions, responsibilities, children and all those things that have made his life so boring since he got married and became a father. Even women, at menopause go through different phases of rejection, disappointment and nostalgia. It is different with your husband who wants to be a boy all over again. He wants to go and come back as he likes. Don’t forget the children are no longer at home; it is just the two of you, so he thinks he has no need to keep up appearances. Rather than feel bad, at his attitude or his words; look at the essence of your marriage. How would you grade your marriage? On the average of one to ten, where would you place your marriage? This is essential to the issue at hand. If your husband hasn’t been getting enough from you, in terms of emotional satisfaction and happiness all these years you have been together, it would take a lot of sacrifices as well as change in attitude from your end to pull this marriage through. You have to find a way to break him; make him listen to you and get him back from wherever he wants to escape to. This is where your knowledge of him comes to play. What does he like the most since you have been married to him? What also has been his most frequent complains about you? This is the time to pull the two out of the cupboard of time. Make him see you again as the woman he married by reminding him through your attitude, dress sense, cooking and housekeeping of those early years. Let him see that you can be attractive despite the years. Middle age isn’t garbage, rather it is a blessing. There are beautiful and flattering clothes you can wear to make the only rose in his garden once again. With all the children away, you both have to rediscover yourselves; the reason you agreed to marry and spend the rest of your lives together. Actually, the middle age is the reason we get married; not the earlier stage of it when children play the important part of keeping their parents together. The middle age is when couples must find their original reasons for marrying. He wants space because he thinks there is nothing for him anymore. By dedicating yourself to your vows again, you will be prodding his memory to recall that this whole thing started with his decision to propose to you. Compliment his looks, buy him presents; help him select clothes like jeans and very attractive casuals that slice through the years. And when he comes home, don’t nag or bother him about where he has been. What goes up will definitely come down. This is the age of wisdom and absolute trust in God because you have seen the good and bad sides of life. Nothing he does now should make you lose sleep. To get yourself busy, develop those fleeting thoughts you never had the chance to really pursue as a result of childbearing and nurturing. We all have hidden talents we never had time to develop because of other things. Yours could be writing, sewing, buying and selling, cooking, beading, knitting, beading or working with children or the aged. Deep inside you is a God-given gift to take us through the lonely journey of middle age. It is a gift that brightens the lonesomeness of the middle age. Take out time to discover your real self. You have so much still left of you outside being a mother and wife. Talk to God about it. As a matter of fact, you need to find it for your own well-being because loneliness through depression can shorten one’s years. Once you find it, it will help dispel a great deal of some of the depression you currently feel about your husband’s attitude. You won’t even have the time to feel bad about his request for space. Good luck.

Hard to love my wife after robbers raped her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I join all those you daily bless through your column to pray that God will also answer your prayers even before you call on Him. Last December while on our way to spend the Christmas holiday in the village, our bus was not only waylaid by armed robbers, but the women on board, including my wife, were also raped. Only the very elderly women escaped this torture. Although I knew my wife was two months pregnant, I asked her to abort the child after what I witnessed. I didn’t want the blood of those robbers to mix with that of my unborn child. I will never be able to accept such child as mine. Since then, I haven’t been able to come close to her. The few times I tried to touch her, images of what those men did to her and all the women on board of that bus will immediately come to my mind making it impossible for me to go any further. This has been on for more than eight months now. Our first child clocked three in April. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make love to her again without remembering that horrible incident. She is now asking for a divorce as a result of the way I treat her. She said I am being cruel and that I have gotten another woman to take her place in my bed. I won’t lie there have been various women to take care of my emotional needs. I have tried explaining to her and all our family members who have intervened as a result of what she told them about our marriage to give me more time. I love her so much, actually I met her a virgin. She has always been a good and responsible woman. It is just that I don’t know how to get that thing off my mind. But I don’t want her out of my life or home. Like I said, she is the best wife any man can ever have. From all indices she is ready to quit and move on with her life. I am so confused and don’t know what I really want any more. I am so disappointed. Please help me. Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, The first thing to do is to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. How would you feel being raped in public while your husband stood watching helplessly? How would you feel being told by the same man to abort an already existing pregnancy on account of the dehumanisation you suffered in the hands of those robbers? Also try to imagine her pains at being denied the comfort she needs to recover such humiliation by the same man who did nothing to protect her honour as a woman? If there is anybody who should be disappointed, it is your wife, not you. While you acted with common sense on the day of the incident, because there are no heroes in the graveyard, but you are now acting with gross insensitivity to your wife. She deserves your compassion, support and understanding to overcome her double shame. Don’t forget some men would have elected to die rather than allow any man put their wives through such horror. If she is not condemning you for being such a coward at her hour of need, why should you revile her for being a victim of her gender? You didn’t stop at denying her your compassion but also asked her to abort the child that could have helped her to recover quickly. You were, and not being fair to this woman. She didn’t ask to be raped. No woman enjoys the forceful attention of a stranger on her person. For a woman who has known no other man, kept herself for her husband, she must be going through so much emotional turmoil. What she needs isn’t what she is getting from you. By denying her your compassion and presence, you are unwittingly taking away everything that meant something to her until that unfortunate incident. Your attitude towards her is worse than what she suffered that day. A woman can face the world if her man is there by her side, helping her to recover as well as putting on her again her garment of honour. Had you done that, this incident would have been fading in your memory by now. Your stubborn refusal to let go is what has kept the memory of that day fresh in your mind. Those men are no longer responsible for what is happening in your home; rather you are the one now at the wheels of the vehicle destroying your home. Your wife needs you not just as her husband but also as an understanding friend, a partner and helper. Even if you are not up to making love to her now, at least be the friend she needs now. She is going through so much and may not even need you to touch her intimately but to provide her with a compassionate heart and willing shoulder on which to lay her troubles. You must understand that violation didn’t happen in secret, it happened before other men. Though she wasn’t alone, but do you even understand the shame of being made to do what is entirely private in public view, made to expose her dignity to other men who watched in cowardly silence? If the truth must be told, it is your pride and manhood that was raped that day, not hers. If she is not hating you or mocking your claims to be a man, it is only because she is very much in love with you and too much of a good woman to give you a piece of her mind. That she is asking for a divorce is because you leave her through your actions with no choice. She has gotten to the limit of her endurance. What manner of mind-set would make you leave a woman for eight months without coming near her or offering her the comfort she needs to recover. Your attitude has left her with nothing worth fighting for in your home. As it stands now, not even the presence of her child can make her stay with a man who so obviously hates her with the passion he once loved her. You are lucky. Some less strong willed women would have since tried to kill themselves or go out of their home to find a man willing to make them feel clean again the same way you are doing in the arms of other women. It will take a while for her to forgive your rejection of her. If you cannot stay off sex, what makes you think she can? Should she decide to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, would you be able to blame her? If you want your home back as desperately as you sound, woo yourself back in her heart. Time is what you no longer have, so perish the plea for it. Sincerely, if you don’t act now, you might as well kiss her and your marriage goodbye. Eight months is a long time to leave a married woman who stays in the same house with her husband in the cold. If you are not careful the next time you will look her way she will be in the arms of another man, this time not unwilling, but with her consent. Therefore, the first thing to do is ask yourself the reason for your attitude. Deep down, who are you really angry with – yourself or those men? The fact that you watched helplessly as these men desecrated your wife and your marital vows. Did you feel jealous? Did she make a move or sound that you think suggested she liked it better with them? Frankly, these are issues you have to sit down to deal with on your own before going to her to make peace. Granted the sight of another man raping one’s wife can be very hurtful, but something is making it impossible for you to forget it. There is no moving for either of you, if you are not honest with what is really niggling you. By admitting it to yourself, you set your marriage free to move on. Without you first being at peace with yourself, it would be almost impossible to give peace to your wife and marriage. Once you are clear, go to your wife to talk. First apologise for your attitude. It will make her receptive for discussions with you. By the time you finish explaining to her, her heart would have thawed sufficiently for you to make whatever move you deem necessary in the pursuit of recovering your home. Usually, the gathering ominous clouds will clear once you make this first move, but it behoves you to go the extra mile to rid your marriage of every remnants of this unfortunate incident. You both need the presence of God to heal properly. Ask for His presence in your home, lives and marriage. With Him, nothing shall be termed impossible. Good luck.