She Lied On Oath To Foist Paternity Of Her Child On Me

Dear Agatha,

A girlfriend lied that I am the father of her child. The matter went to court and I accepted paternity of the child. 

Now she wants me to marry her. Do you think she is saying this because of the child?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way she can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. One thing is to accept the paternity of a child, while it is completely another thing to accept marriage to her against your will. 

The question is what do you want? I cannot tell you to marry her or not because I don’t know her. You have your reasons for denying the paternity of the child and allowing the matter go to court before accepting responsibility of the same child. 

If you are not comfortable with her as a woman, why not exhibit boldness in telling her what you feel and why you think it must not always be her way? 

A court can force you to take responsibility for the child, because you slept with her. That on its own makes you liable for any pregnancy she claims to be yours, but no court in the world can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. 

This is because marriage is sacred, done in love for the purpose of peace and chastity of the society. 

Love, friendship, respect, trust, loyalty and faithfulness are some of the ingredients needed to have a peaceful home. From all you have said, it is obvious you don’t trust her at all else you wouldn’t have denied responsibility of the pregnancy since you slept with her. Even if you have reasons to suspect anything, the fact that you have been intimate with her would have made you accept the baby without allowing the court to decide on the matter. 

Given this antecedent there is no way you can ever have the sufficient trust to keep her in your home as a wife, at least not now. You must first of all get rid of the cobwebs of your mind.

 It is only after you have done this that you can think clearly and properly too. One thing is clear, if this woman wasn’t sure of her claims that you are the father of her child, she wouldn’t have allowed the matter go to court. For her to have done that means she is sure, so the problem has to do with your ability to trust her. If you are contemplating marrying her, you must first of all deal with the issue of your inability to trust her else it will be the bane of your union. 

If she wants you to marry her, it is only natural. Every woman, especially young and single, would always want to marry the man she has a child for because it saves her from having to explain to another man and his family why she didn’t marry the father of her child. Most women don’t want to have children for different men if they can help it.

But like I said, the decision has to come from you, not her. If fear was the reason you denied the baby at first, even if she is the one asking for marriage, it still behooves you to beg and ask for her forgiveness before either declining her offer or accepting it. 

As a man, you need to be more definite about your life. Stop leaving everything to chances. You must learn to take your life in your hands and stop leaving everything about you to chance. Nobody desirous of making it in life gives the freedom of decision on his or her life to another person. Put a stop to it and for once take driver seat and direct the ship of your life to where you want it to go.

The major challenge isn’t this girl, but you. The truth is you don’t want to take responsibility for anything; you want the decision to be taken for you so if it doesn’t work, you will have an excuse, an escape route to say, I didn’t want it but was forced into doing it. Life doesn’t work that way. If you want this girl, before someone else get interested in her, don’t delay in making up your mind known, declare your interest and stop playing games with your life, this girl’s as well as that innocent baby.

And if you are sure she isn’t the right one for you, sit her down to discuss the welfare of the child. The welfare of the child may be one of the reasons she is asking you to marry her. Once you assure her of the welfare of the child and demonstrate your sincerity to your commitment, she may have the confidence to move on without you. Your refusal to take on responsibility may be the reason she is demanding you marry her. 

Good luck.

I’m Falling For Her But She Double Dates

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your good work. My first relationship ended when the girl I was dating became pregnant with another man’s child. 

I met my new girlfriend after this. There is no doubting the fact that I love her very much, but the problem I have with her is that she has another boy in her life. 

Agatha, she is the kind of woman I need in my life and want a relationship with her. I see her everyday because she is my course mate at the university. 

I am confused. Please tell me what to do.       

Tony.

Dear Tony, 

How would you feel if this girl was your girlfriend and someone was trying to take her away from you? Better still, how did you feel when your ex-girlfriend got pregnant for another man while still dating her? I am sure you didn’t like the experience at all. What you don’t want to happen to you, don’t do it to another person. 

If for nothing else, respect this girl for having the guts to tell you the truth; for saving you from another heartbreak. 

And if indeed you are in love with her, make the sacrifice love entails, allow her be. True love isn’t forceful; it is selfless, brave and very considerate. Be brave and allow this young lady the freedom of conducting her relationship with her boyfriend. The best you can be to her for now is to be her friend. We all require good and trustworthy friends in our lives to help us through life’s many challenges. As a friend you stand a better chance of being around her longer than you would be as her partner. As a friend you get to enjoy better confidence, trust and loyalty than you would at this stage of your lives as a dating couple.

There are still many women you will meet in life and one special one you will love, who will make you wonder at what you saw in all these women you claim to be in love with. If the first one got pregnant for another man while dating her and the second says she isn’t interested because she has someone in her life, it means you are going for the wrong kind of women and might need to concentrate on other things first before coming back into a relationship.

Until you find that kind of woman, concentrate more on your studies and stop wasting precious time thinking of a girl who isn’t free to love you. Dating, relationship and being in love don’t go out of fashion, but there is a convenient time to go to school. Once you pass the stage, acquiring education becomes a huge struggle since you will be doing it on a time allocated by nature to something else. It isn’t always easy to combine education with growing a family or working.

So make hay while the sun is still shining. Good luck. 

I’m Ignorant Of Free Days After Ovulation Period

Dear Agatha,

I’m one of your regular readers. Please help me solve this problem. I’m a lady of 28 years, an undergraduate, who lost her virginity at 23. I have undergone three different abortions for one man, but my problem is that I don’t know when I’m free. Please tell me, when am I free after menstruating?  How do I know my ovulation period? 

Amara.

Dear Amara,

How many days are you? To give you a near accurate calendar, you must first establish whether you are a 28, 30, 32 or over 35-day menstrual cycle. The average calendar for most women is 28-day, but some have lengthier calendar days. Get a notebook and enter your date for a period of six months. Doing so would give you a clear picture of your cycle. Thereafter it would be easy to calculate your ovulation period as well as your free days.  Begin counting from the first day of your menses to the 10th day after, if you are a 28-day woman. Four days to your 14th day and four days after are the days you are most likely to get pregnant. The same calculation should be applied whatever your cycle is.

Your freest days are the first seven days after your period and the last week leading to your period.

But it would help you a great deal to go to your doctor who will better explain and guide you appropriately in grey areas. On the issue of abortions, it is always best and cheaper to prevent pregnancy than take the risk of repeated abortion. One of the greatest risks is destroying the walls of your womb especially if the abortion is poorly done. 

A lot of things can go wrong at the evacuation table. So if you must sleep with your boyfriend, insist he uses a condom or you use a birth control device.

Any Merit For Sex In Relationship?

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. 

I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship?Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it? Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.Good luck.