Dear Agatha,
In the last four years I have been in a relationship with the woman I love dearly. Right from the beginning we promised to marry each other. Premised on this, I introduced her to my family and she told hers about me.
From time to time, I get to speak with her mother whom I am yet to meet. Through the years, we have conducted ourselves like a married couple. The last time I spoke with her mother was in February this year when she asked me when I would come for a formal introduction. The arrangement was for me to come during the Easter period. However something strange happened before the Easter date. Sometimes in March, we made arrangements to see on a particular date but got the shock of my life when after trying unsuccessfully to get her a man eventually picked up her phone who introduced himself as her boyfriend.
I was both troubled but endured my emotions till we met in her school some few days later. Even if I had wanted to speak with her, her phone was switched off making it impossible for me to get through to her. When I challenged her about the person who picked up her phone, she didn’t say anything instead she told me to buy her a new handset, which I obliged her.
And while holidaying at home during the Easter period, I sent a recharge card worth N2,000.00 to her phone.
To make sure I got it, I called to get her confirmation only for the same voice to pick the call again to repeat his warning that I should stop calling his wife.
I felt embarrassed at the sound of his voice because it meant my suspicions about the boy were true and that I had been rejected by my girlfriend.
I made up my mind to see her in school and sort out the issue after the holiday only to be told she had travelled to her sister’s place. I later got her on the phone and as we were chatting, I noticed that at a point, her voice changed before she switched off the phone. Curious, I redialled the number and this time it was the same male voice that answered. Since it was around 9:30 pm, I didn’t need anybody to tell me she was at the man’s place.
The voice told me to let her be since we were just friends and I have not asked her to marry me. Thereafter he gave the phone to my girlfriend who confirmed the position of the boy that I never asked her to marry me.
She has since changed her phone number. Everything still looks like a dream to me. I am yet to get over the fact that a woman who pledged unconditional love and promised to be my protector, counsellor, family and everything can behave in this manner.
I can’t imagine it is the same girl, I put through school, took care of, gave all the assistance I could, is this same girl who has turned her back on me.
Agatha, tell me what to do. I have pains in my heart.
Ejiuwaka.
Dear Ejiuwaka,It is one of those things. Sometimes what looks so perfectly beautiful becomes ugly and painful. When a relationship gets to this point, it is always good to bury it for good, else, the one hurting will never be able to get his or her life back on the right track.
You took a gamble on love and trust which is why you weaved all your beautiful patterns on it.
Unfortunately, life didn’t make both of you for each other. Painful as this is, it is a reality you must confront and accept. Had heavens created both of you to be a permanent item, nobody would have been able to come between the two of you.
In every dark cloud there is always a sliver lining. What if she had suddenly realised after marriage to you that she didn’t want you in the same way you wanted her? How would you have managed living with a woman who didn’t love you enough? How would you have faced the world if few years down the road, she asks for divorce to be with the man she really cares about?
Take it from one who has experienced emotional torture that some of the situations we lament over are actual blessings in disguise, intended by God to empower us for the tasks ahead. Therefore you don’t have the patent for this journey and if others before you rebounded to greater things and happiness in their lives, you too can with the right attitude.
Her role in your life is to help you understand certain intricacies about human behaviour and to serve as an experience to help those whoin future have similar challenges get over the ache.
The difference between those who fail and succeed after a fall or disappointment is the determination they put into it. If you are determined to be happy and love again in spite of this disappointment, you will be and I assure with someone much better, whose qualities will forever give you reasons to look back on this moment in your life with gratitude that God prevented what would have been a huge mistake in your life.
You cannot question God but have it within you to make yourself happy. Don’t bother to call or contact her again. Let her go, wish her all the luck in the world with her Mr. Right. Free yourself from the burden of hate, regrets as well as lack of forgiveness. These are emotions that would keep amplifying the pains of yesterday. Give yourself to your hobbies to help you forget. Cry if you have to, it is all part of the healing process but don’t ever regret your time with her.
Life is peppered by both pains and happiness. There is no way you can avoid the bitter side of life if you hope for its best side. It is the lesson the bitter leaf teaches. The sweet part of the bitter leaf is only available to the one who has the determination, patience and time to wash away the bitterness.
Give yourself time to heal naturally. You will meet that special woman some day. She had to quit the scene for the real woman who will be more than you hoped your ex-girlfriend would be to you.
Next time be sure the lady wants you for the same reason you want her by learning to take each day as it comes.
Your mistake with this lady is to jump-start your relationship into the future without first living in the presence. You have to be friends first before you can be a good couple who desires to be
together forever. You must take the extra time to study each other, discover your weak spots as well as your strongest points. That way, you learn to know what to avoid and what to pursue.
Had you devoted time to the essentials, you would have discovered the little tell-tale signs no matter how she perfects the act of duplicity. When you know someone well enough you can always guess with near accuracy when something isn’t right.
The lesson is to avoid the blinding complications of sex until the time is ripe to avoid the mistake of sentimental reasoning and decision. When it comes to the issue of selecting a life partner, it
takes more than sentimental feelings. The decision has to be influenced by realistic fact to be meaningful.
But the overriding truth: allow the will of God for you.
Good luck.
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