He Doesn’t Care About Me
Dear Agatha,
I’m a 300 level law student while my boyfriend is a final year medical student. We have been dating for a year now. I met him through a cousin who is his best friend and classmate.
From the inception of our relationship, he told me he may not always have time for me because of his studies. I didn’t mind, because he is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
As a result of my resolve to ensure success of the relationship, I took it upon myself to always visit him at weekends and to call him everyday. He tries to call from time to time, but I do most of the calling. I really didn’t mind, not even when my friends started making fun of me as well as insinuating that I wanted the relationship more than him.
Unlike my friends whose boyfriends were always available for social outings, mine was always too busy to even visit me. I complained to my cousin who pleaded with me to be tolerant and not mind my friends.
However something happened about three weeks ago. I took ill and couldn’t call or visit him. I had thought he would immediately contact me when I didn’t call or visit him that weekend. It took him two days to call me to find why he hadn’t heard from me. It took him another day for him to come and visit me in the hostel. By the time he showed up with the drugs I needed, my friends were so angry with him that they told him to go back with the drugs. He apologized but I was still very hurt and angry with him.
My cousin again intervened on his behalf and berated me for allowing my friends get involved in my affairs. He explained that they had some important tests to write.
We managed to make up, but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing staying in this relationship. I look like a fool calling him everyday. He should be the one running after me not the other way round. Although he now calls me frequently to ask after my health and well-being, but like my roommates asked, for how long? Even when I have tests or exams to write, I still find time for him, why can’t he do same for me? I don’t know what to do anymore.
Lilly.
Dear Lilly,
Being in final year in medical school requires utmost concentration to sail through the final hurdle. He needs every support from those close to him, especially his girlfriend so that the years he spent so far won’t go to waste. He cannot afford to fail at this critical stage. No matter what he has done, this is the stage for you to be very supportive of him.
The fact that you are the one who appears to be driving the relationship now doesn’t mean it will remain like that or that he doesn’t care. Give him the benefit of doubt at least until after he writes his final examinations.
Your cousin won’t be seeking your understanding if he isn’t sure about his feelings for you. Being his friend, his assessment of him cannot be wrong.
Furthermore don’t forget that he told you at the onset of your relationship that he may not always be available. If you didn’t think it was a problem then, why are you now having second thoughts? It isn’t right to change the rules in the middle of a game at all. It would have been a different matter entirely if he didn’t explain his predicament to you from the beginning. Your anger and hurt would have been understandable.
This is why you must learn to keep your friends out of this relationship for now. In their anger, they could unwittingly destroy your relationship even before it begins to take root. Don’t forget they don’t know anything about him or your feelings for him for that matter.
Besides, having being with him for a year, you should be able to say one or two things about his person and character. Relationship building isn’t just about intimacy but total observations of the nature and principle of the other person. Begin to observe those little things you think don’t matter but which, in fact, you need to learn about his person. These are the things that will help you to be happy, whatever your decisions are, today.
The timing of this relationship may not be right but if you are willing to make the sacrifices now, you may come to enjoy him later. The fact that he came as fast as he could, and even brought drugs for you, underlines his concern and care for you. Don’t neglect that fact.
I appreciate the hunger for his company but you cannot for now eat and still have your cake. Give him the freedom and presence of mind to study for his final examinations.
It is only after this that you can correctly determine whether he likes you or not. If he continues to be cold towards you after he has finished with his examinations, then you can go ahead with your decision to end it. But for now, continue to offer him the basic support he needs to scale through this period of his life.
Finally, telling him about your current disposition towards the relationship will also help both of you clear the fog of doubt beclouding your mind.
In life, whatever will be will be. The worst case is that both of you go your separate ways.
At least, that will help you stay focused on your studies too.
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