My husband is very jealous

Dear Agatha,

Please I need you to help me on this. I am 40, while my husband is 70. I didn’t see this as a problem when i met him 11 years ago. We got married
10 years ago and we have been blessed with three children.
The problem I have is that my husband will not allow me to associate with people; go out to see friends or have anything to do with people.

If I go out to work, what he does is to police me around with phone calls. From the story he told me about himself, he enjoyed life while he was young and I don’t know why he’s preventing me.
I am a very beautiful and decent woman. I hate women that play around and my husband knows this much about me.

 I don’t even go to parties as such because I know I have a responsibility to my family. But once in a
while when friends invite me, I go but most time my husband will decline to go for no reason.
Agatha, my life is very boring. We don’t even go out to refresh, all we do is sit at home, watch TV, and go to church. I have
tried to make him understand my feelings.

He doesn’t trust me at all, suspects my every move. Is a 70 year old man too old to make a woman happy? Is this how I’m going to
spend the rest of my life? Whatever makes me happy doesn’t concern him. Honestly, I
hate this boring life. Am I supposed to die unhappy? I wish I can be more open to him; there is nothing I say to him that will not be used against me in future. I wish we can go out together, to places of fun,
but my husband sees it as waste of time. What can I do?

Anxious Wife.

Dear Anxious Wife,

You don’t have the patent for this problem. Most young women married to older men have the same complains.

But the bottom line is patience. More than women married to their age mates, you have to learn to be extra unwearied by all that is happening in your marriage and home.

First you must understand and appreciate the huge differences in your ages. At 70, he is 30 years older than your 40. There is no way he can have your kind of passion and interests in life anymore.

What you desire to do now are the things he did when he was your age so they don’t hold any form of excitement for him anymore. He has seen all there is to see in life and has since moved to another bus-stop.

Whereas, at 40, you are yet to explore, experience the excitement of life.

You must as a good wife learn to marry your passion with what makes your husband happy.

You need to understand that life is in stages. That your husband’s stage is one that he has to slow down to enjoy the little things we ignore, take for granted when younger.

To fight him would be fighting nature. It is a battle you cannot win else you ruin the beauty and harmony of your home.

You simply have to make up your mind to grow in wisdom and attitude to be able to cope and appreciate the sedative stage of your husband’s age. It is a matter of growing into him and seeing the world from his perspective.

This is the only way you can hope to earn his trust and make him listen to your needs.

There is always an incubation period in marriage, when the woman in particular learns the ways of the man. After a decade of living with this man, by now, you should know certain things about him; how to relate with him as well as how to manage your differences.

To win him, you need first to understand his fears about you and your ways. Why is he afraid after 10 years of marriage to you? This is the junction you ask yourself certain questions concerning your conduct, approach to life, devotion to him and respect for his person.

Understandably, there are certain kinds of fashion that will appeal to you at this stage of your life but which may not sit well with him. To avoid him suspecting you always, you may have to tone down on your taste for contemporary fashions. Bridge your taste to moderation to make him more comfortable around you. Being young and beautiful, certain kinds of clothes will definitely enhance your attractiveness and make him wonder at his ability to satisfy you sexually. Granted you abhor unfaithful women but sometimes our choice of clothing and the company we keep, tell a different story from who we really are.

This could be the crux of the problem you are having with him. At his age, he will always worry about his agility as a man hence the need for you to be more devoted to him and his hobbies.

Besides, being around your friends may not be comfortable for him because the issues that you all would be discussing might really not appeal to him. He is scared that being around your friends would make his age very obvious to you and that your friends could begin to pressure you to take on a lover.

Staying at home is to prevent people from talking about the two of you. He doesn’t want to be ridiculed by anybody or you made to feel uncomfortable for marrying him.

One way to get round the problem is to encourage your friends to come more to the house in order for him to get used to them. Once he becomes friends with one or two of them, it would be easy to convince him to go for a closed outing with your little group of trusted friends.

This might not be instant so, you have to get his permission to throw some nice and quiet parties in your house at intervals.

With the help of your children, you can instigate his interest in one or two places. Fortunately, we are developing a culture of relaxation around shopping malls. Urge him to come shopping in any of these ultra modern shopping malls springing up in the country.

While there, insist on window shopping with the whole family after which you all would rest in any fast food within the complex. Since he is already there with you and the children, he won’t have a choice but to tag along with your plans.

If you are not ashamed of parading him, touching and hugging him in public, he would want to do it all over again because you massaged his ego well the first time.

Although he isn’t saying it; he is scared of losing you to a younger man. Once he has your assurance through your actions and open display of contentment in your marriage to him, he will warm his way to the heart of your desires.

You must also learn to create your own fun games as a family. There are so many things you can do together besides partying. You can decide to take a walk around the neighbourhood with him in the evenings or around the compound.

Ask him about his passion; the kinds of game he liked as a young man; encourage him to teach you; by so doing, he too becomes part of the whole thing.

Rather than get angry with him over nothing, a situation he cannot help given the naked fact that he is too set in his ways to change because of your desires; you are the one that has to make the most change in this marriage.

His age and position in  your life demands that you learn to respect him always. Honestly, this is the only way you can be happy since you knew his age, the challenges of being married to an older man before going into this marriage.

By submitting to the will of God in your life as well as the desires of your husband, you will eventually find that happiness you wish for.

Good luck.

Share a problem with Auntie Agatha  on gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

My friend wants to claim ‘my son’

Dear Agatha,

I salute the special gift of God in your life. I am someone very close to you and have watched your growth since you were a child. I admire your courage in life. My pride stopped me from coming to you personally. Besides, this issue affects my first son, a close friend of yours.

This story happened in the 1960s. Then as a military officer, I moved around a lot. Not desirous of my moving my young family (my wife and daughter) around, I decided to leave them behind in Lagos, when official duties took me to Kano. I left them in the care of my childhood friend.

By the time I came back, she said she was already pregnant. The baby came prematurely. When the time of my leave was over, I still asked my best friend to continue to look after them.

While in Kano, I heard through the grapevine that my wife and my friend’s wife fought. The people who told me about this development claimed not to know why the fought. But a few weeks later, I got a letter from my sister asking me to vacate my family to Kano. She said there were rumours that my wife was dating my best friend.

I refused to believe her, but decided it was best for me to visit Lagos. I took some days off to come and investigate things myself. Though neither my friend nor wife mentioned any disagreement, my friend’s wife said I should take my wife and children along with me to my base. She said she didn’t want to be the reason for any misunderstanding between my friend and I. I assured her of my decision to come back for them within weeks. True to my promise, I did.

During the civil war, I lost touch with my friend. Since then attempts to get him proved abortive. I honestly thought he had died because he left Lagos to fight on the side of Biafra.

Although my first son is now married with a family of his son, something happened recently that is causing silent commotion in my life and home. My friend has come back to lay claims to the boy. Seeing him made me remember that thing that keeps nagging me about my son; the uncanny semblance to my old friend.

From what my friend is saying, he is his only surviving son just as he is mine. I lost my second son to an accident recently.

My wife has confessed to what she denied decades ago. My problem now is not even my wife or the fact that she had been unfaithful to me, but the issue of how to inform my son about his paternity. He is such a responsible young man and a good leader of my team.

Besides, I am not ready to let go too; even prepared to go to court over the issue. This is why I need your advice as well as the intervention of well-meaning Nigerians.

At 75, I have seen all there is to see about life; so my wife’s unfaithfulness doesn’t move me one bit. But I am very particular about the welfare and happiness of my children, and I am not ready to let go.

Papa.

Dear Papa,

He isn’t so young as not to understand the issues involved in all these. Painful and sad as the news will be to him, you must summon the courage to inform him. There is no way you can keep such fundamental information away from him.

Besides, it is best he gets to hear it from you than from another person. There is also no telling how far your friend is willing to go in the pursuit of getting back his child.

You have the advantage of being the man who has nurtured him from birth. At his age, it is not a simple matter of his biology but of the many factors that add up to make him the man he currently is.

He is no longer a boy; a little child that cannot tell his right from his left. He is a man; one who has children and knows what responsibility is.

By now, he knows that no responsible man goes to bed with a married woman, let alone the wife of his best friend. Besides, why wait until now that he is all grown up and married? Would he have come if he didn’t lose all the other children? Is it right for him to come forward to claim the child of his best friend?

Your son knows what is good for him; knows that life is a complex mix of all tiny bits. Call him, man to man, and lay bare everything that has to do with your life from the beginning to your present time. Don’t hide anything from him; including all the gossip about his mother and your best friend.

Let him also know about the letter your sister wrote to you as well as your suspicions. The fact that you elected to ignore all these leading evidences point to your unconditional love for him. These are the things that will forever make the difference in his life.

For the sake of your son, don’t engage your old friend in any legal tussle. It will destroy the foundation of your home. Besides, the boy in question is a grown man. He is long past the age of consent. He is in a position to make his decision; decide who he recognises as his father and who not to accept. Therefore, it would be sheer waste of time for you to go to court on this account.

In addition, it will make the other children wonder at their relevance to you. Getting too emotional may make the others wonder at the real reason for your disappointment. They would naturally wonder if you would have fought bitterly to keep him if they were boys.

After talking to your son, arrange a meeting between them. Don’t make it appear to your friend as if you are desperate to hold on to him at all costs.

Also, it is important you give your boy the chance to exercise his freewill. Resist the urge to protect him from the unknown because the best of our intentions are most times misconstrued by the same people we seek to protect. You actually stand to lose more if you attempt to prevent both of them from meeting.

It is also absolutely important that you don’t give either of them the impression that you cannot do without your son. This will make you very vulnerable and subject to their manipulations. You have trained him; provided him with the opportunity to be the success he is now. Even if his father makes a claim to him, the years he spent in your home, heart and life can never be quantified hence cannot be taken away from you. Nothing can change that.

There is also the need to tell the other children about it. This is necessary to avoid the attendant confusion of hearing from a third party. Hearing it from you will water down whatever reactions that follow such shocking story. Further, it will help them resist mischievous elements within and outside the family who may want to manipulate this development to their favour.

It is also a way of assuring your children that you and their mother aren’t going your different ways. No matter how old a child is, the prospect of parents breaking up is usually traumatic. No child wants to go through the process of watching the parents go their different ways. Once they know it won’t affect your marriage to their mother, they will settle down to protect the family’s name.

But the moment you give the impression that their mother is going to lose her home on account of what happened over 50 years ago, not only will the children start trading blames, they will also begin to take sides with either you or their mother. Invariably, the family suffers disunity as a consequence.

In addition, you should really be interested in knowing what your former best friend has to say to your son as your son’s reaction to him. His reaction will give you a good insight to so many things concerning the future of your family long after you have joined your ancestors. Only God gives good children. We cannot make good children out of our children.

Perhaps, this is God’s way of opening your eyes to a nagging issue that had been bothering your mind for a long time. Ask God to give you the presence of mind to learn the lesson in it for you.

Good luck.

I don’t understand him any more

Dear Agatha,

I’m 21 years old. My relationship is two years old. Things went on smoothly when we started. He cared and took very good care of me. There was nothing I asked of him that he didn’t give me. However, all that changed recently. 

These days, he finds it difficult to part with his money so much so I have to fight him to give me money for my personal needs. It isn’t as if the money isn’t there but for reasons beyond me, he has changed dramatically.

These days when he makes a promise, you can bet, it is an empty one as he would never keep to it. Though he initially came to my parents to ask
for my hand in marriage, I turned down his request because I wanted to be sure of the kind of man I would be spending the rest of my life with. 

But what is
happening between us now is what I can’t define. 

Please advise me as I’m
confused and don’t know what to do.

 Julietlaz.

Dear Julietlaz,

Just as you have a right to ascertain the true nature of the man you intend spending the rest of your life with, so does this man.

He too might just be on a quest to determine the kinds of reactions to expect from you if he lacks the money or time to invest in your maintenance.

Frankly from your reactions, you have failed. There is no law on earth that says he must be responsible for your everyday need. Before you met him, you had a life of your own, took care of all the essentials you are now heaping on him as his responsibilities.

In the first place, why do you think he has the money and is only refusing to give it to you? Did you force him all those times he took it upon himself to meet with your every demand? He did it because he wanted to and had the money to meet with your demands.

At 21, you are not too young to appreciate that there are times in one’s life things are not just working as expected; when money would take a flight to God knows where.

The fact that you need cream, soap and other personal needs but lacks the money to buy them for yourself, should have told you that this man may not have to give you now.

Besides, life is a picture of turns and bends. There is never a complete straight line in life.

For a girl who cannot buy her cream, you more than anyone else, should be able to show understanding in this kind of situation. If you can experience lack, what makes you think it impossible for him to also go through the same experience?

Furthermore, that he agreed to your demands at the beginning doesn’t make you his responsibility. He did those things to make you feel good as well as communicate his ability to care for you.

Don’t forget you are not yet his wife and even if you are his wife, a reasonable woman should not depend on her man completely for her every need. The economic situation in the country is such that a woman must find ways to be reasonably independent in terms of getting herself and children certain basic things outside her husband.

If a man has to shoulder the basic responsibility of buying your cream, soap, sanitary towels and make-up, how do you expect such a man to make progress in life or the confidence to pursue a relationship to its conclusion with you?

If at this early stage you have foisted on him this burden, one shudders to think of the kinds of responsibilities you would demand of him in the years to come.

This is one mistake capable of making a man reconsider his decision to marry a particular woman. To think, all you could do is fight him over his inability to provide for you is another major cause of concern.

The fact that you couldn’t reason with him, understand his situation and offer him useful suggestions or prayers to help him out of any situation that is making him incapable of doing those things he has been doing for you is enough to make any man beat a fast retreat. If indeed he is testing you, you have scored a resounding zero.

The sad truth about life is that both men and women live in the same society; just as it is difficult for a woman to make ends meet so also is it for the man. That God made it mandatory for the man to provide for his family doesn’t mean the woman must be insensitive and unreasonable in her demands.

A good marriage or relationship is one founded on understanding and appreciation of what the other has to offer. If at this nascent stage of this relationship, you have to fight him over his inability to provide for your needs, what kind of impression are you giving him about the future he plans to spend with you? What would happen in the future if he has profound financial challenges that require you to step in as the bread winner for a while? Given your kind of attitude, can this man depend on you? Can he move on with the assurances that he has a wife who will not add to his pressures in life?

The irony of life is, no matter how meticulously one plans for the future, there will always be a time when one’s finances would experience a certain kind of hiccup. This is why a man needs a woman who is resourceful, dependable and understanding. If you cannot understand and bear little challenges, would you be able to stand by this man in the days when money will dance its disappearing act?

It isn’t just enough to love a man when he has, but to offer him every deserving support when he is down and out. A woman who fights her man at the slightest sign of lack cannot be entrusted by the man to make him a good wife.

If you want this man in your life, you must first of all think of what you want from life itself. Truthfully, your current predicament has nothing to do with this man; rather it has all to do with what your values are and the reason you went into a relationship with him in the first place.

The mere fact that you fought him on account of his inability to meet with your demands highlights the kind of lifestyle you have adopted. This is perhaps the most unfortunate thing about all that is happening to you. Unwittingly, you have without saying anything, told him that you depend on men to buy your basic needs. No matter how much you try to erase this impression, your attitude would make it difficult for him to believe anything else.

Whether or not you both have a future together isn’t as important as you working on this aspect of your character. You need to disentomb whatever informed this attitude of yours if you want to stay married later in life. Don’t make yourself a liability to anybody; rather be an asset to a man who wants you for his wife. You don’t have to come from a comfortable background to grow respect and a worthy character in your abilities as a woman.

If you want this man, first go and apologise to him for your behavior. Tell him you are ready to change and that you would need his help to become a better you.

Find out what kinds of challenges he is passing through and offer him the little help you can.

Every man needs a supportive woman in his life to be happy. Listen to whatever he says are your fault. You may not entirely agree with all he has to say about you, but accept them with a view of using them as a guide towards self growth.

Because the journey ahead of you is one that is still far, learn to be truthful to yourself at all times, never judging people by your own limited and selfish standards but by God’s standards. Learn to be fair especially when it comes to issues of the heart. By pegging your every dream to the hem of God’s garment, you set yourself up for success and joy. If you really love this man, learn to endure with him.

And if the problem is, doubt concerning your sincerity with him, give him all the assurances that you love him and not his money.

Good luck.

-Share a problem with Auntie Agatha on gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Is my baby sexually abused?

Dear Agatha,

Please I am confused with this issue; my baby boy is eight months old.

Recently he has developed a habit which my husband and I have noticed. He makes this movement as if he is having sex. When we lie him down on our chest he will be pressing his private part on the body of the person carrying him although he wears pampers often.

My question is, could it be that someone is molesting my baby? He started this about two months ago when my husband traveled to bring his 21 year old sister to help me with the baby; especially with bringing him from the day care centre as I work from Monday-Friday and come back at about 7.p.m.

I noticed she is not reliable at all; she lies as if it is a necessity she cannot do without. She acts a child, refusing to accept the fact that she is a young adult.

There was a day my baby was pulling at her cloths, crying and demanding she should breastfeed him. I was shocked at the development and demanded to know if she breast feeds him when I am not at home. She answered in the negative. I also observed that after that day, my baby didn’t behave that way with her again.

I don’t know how to ask her about this new development to avoid hurting her incase she is innocent. When my husband noticed this issue he cried and prayed against it and I also prayed about it.

And I am sure it is not from his crèche because the owner is a Christian who has an all female staff and they all stay together. He only stays alone with my sister in-law.

Should I ask her? I am confused.

Baby’s Mom.

Dear Baby’s Mon,

Doubtless this baby is being abused sexually by a close adult you given authority of your child to.

At eight months this baby though totally helpless and innocent, however has all his vitals functional. Like adults, he finds the same measure of satisfaction from whatever the person is doing to him hence wants more of it. This explains why his mind is stimulated towards sex whenever he is on the chest of someone.

Whosoever is abusing him, adopts that position so each time your baby is placed in that position, his brain immediately picks up the excitement he gets from that posture hence his involuntary movement to get the calm and fulfillment he gets from being in that position.

When it comes to child abuse you cannot afford to be too careful , trusting or cautious.

At eight months, your baby must not be left in the hands of those who will destroy him for life. The fact that he makes that movement each  time he is placed on the chest means, the violation is becoming indelible in his nascent memory. Unfortunately, the act of feeding and sex are etched in our memory from the time we are born; we are born with the inherent knowledge which is why nobody points the direction of the mother’s breast to a new born baby or teach a young child about the act of sex itself.

But nature shrouds the knowledge of sex to the age of puberty, to allow for the child to concentrate on the knowledge of other fundamental issues needed to equip the child for wholesome development in life. This is because Mother Nature is aware of the potency of sex; its power to obliterate the young mind who isn’t strong willed enough to resist its pull. This is why it locks the knowledge in time, to enable the young human or even animal for that matter, grow physically as well as emotionally for the consequences and responsibilities that go hand in hand with sex.

Therefore, to expose your baby to the conditions he currently is in; is to condemn him to a lifetime of sex slavery because childhood habits are the hardest to give up or destroy, which is why educationists warn parents to be mindful of what they say or do in the presence of a child. At this age, the soft ware side of your baby’s memory bank is still empty. If at eight months, sex and its technique are already taking up mega space, by the time the child is about two and a half year old, you don’t need anyone to tell you the kinds of things he would be doing.

First and foremost, you have to decide what is most important to you now; your job or the viability of your child to you, the family and nation. From all that you have said, this child needs urgent help.

The first help would be to withdraw him from all your child minders; the crèche and your sister-in-law. The fact that the crèche is owned by a Christian doesn’t mean he cannot be abused there neither can you rule out the possibility of your sister-in-law being the suspect here. What some of us profess to isn’t the picture of the person we really are. Some of us who parade ourselves as saints are indeed lions in sheep skin.

The issue is between your home and the crèche so take a vacation to unlock where it is coming from. Be around the baby as much as possible to immediately cut off the supply and stimulation of his erotic desires.

Also you must find ways of making him disconnect that position from sex. Being his mother, you can correct this impression by putting him firmly on your chest and gently tapping his bum whenever he makes such erotic movements. You will also need the help of his father to do this effectively. Between you two, sing him nursery rhymes, your favourite gospel songs to help him forget whatever has been done to him.

By so doing, you help redirect his mind to a neutral love gear and how he can relax naturally. The gentle tap on its bum is to let him know that, what he wants isn’t good for him. Like I said earlier the day old baby is already equipped with all the vitals needed in life to get by in life. Some might argue that such taps violate the child’s right and another form of abuse but, at that age, the tap is to instill in the child the values of good and bad.

If you cannot resign immediately; please look for a daycare very close to your office so that you can keep an eye on him. Having him close to you would enable you go in to see him unannounced; it  will also solve the problem of leaving him with your sister-in-law unsupervised.

There is no reason you shouldn’t confront your sister-in-law with the information you have. If she is the one abusing the child, knowing that you are aware of the abuse will bring some fears into her. But that doesn’t mean you should continue to leave the baby with her.

Honestly, at the end of the day, if you don’t take a fast decision, you will have only yourself to blame. The irony of life is, while a man can begin again, the woman, can’t so; you should not treat this issue with kid gloves or bring in the sentiment of protecting your career at the detriment of your child.

If there is a time, this child needs your protection and assurance as his mother, it is now. Don’t neglect to do what you must do because child abuses are being done by those closest to the innocent children. It is better she is offended and you apologise than for your son to be damaged for life.

Frankly, this isn’t time for prayers but for actions. Prayers come in to help the child mend not to prevent the abuse from going on. What you and your husband need do now is take very urgent action and face the truth.

The outcome maybe unpalatable and very uncomfortable for you in terms of taking the child to and fro the crèche near your office but you would at the end of the day be protecting the hapless child from harm which is what parenting is all about.

A sacrifice has to be made by you and your husband for this child. You are debating the rightness of taking an action because he is a boy; if he were a girl, you won’t be debating whether to confront anybody or not; you would have since taken the needed step to protect your child from further abuse.

Good luck.

-Share your problem with Auntie Agatha on gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Can I break this oath?

Dear Agatha, 

I have been a follower of the heartwarming advices you render to the helpless; meaning I’m your greatest fan and I’d really say it’s
encouraging.

I took a blood oath with a girl for my own selfish reasons. Though I
have feelings for her but if you ask me, I’d say she has little feelings for me.
Since taking the oath,  I’m no longer myself, I isolate myself from all my good female
friends. This has resulted into calls for thorough investigation into what is
going on. 

My hands are always on my cheek whenever I’m alone.

The oath was made between the both of us. No native doctor was there. The razor blade we used; is still with me.

Please Ma, I want to know if the oath is potent without a native doctor. If it is, please assist me on what to do.
Victor.

Dear Victor,

An oath is an oath irrespective of whether or not there was the presence of a third party.

To help you understand the subject of oath taking; lets look at the agreement between a man and woman. The major covenant is the decision of the two of them to have a relationship. Without this initial oath between the two of them to spend their lives together, there would be no exchange of wedding vows that the world witness.

Irrespective of whatever method you people employ to agree on an issue; it becomes binding.

In the process of meeting a woman or man, we enter unknowingly into different kinds of oaths. The idea of having sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is itself a covenant which also requires certain kinds of prayers to neutralize should the relationship go askew.

The reason for this is simple; in the process of making love, life generating fluids get exchanged by the couple; the reason sex outside marriage is both a spiritual and physical gamble. Sex with a cursed or wrong person can complicate and destroy the other person’s life because of this exchange. For a man particularly, having sex with the wrong woman can put him under her complete control unless God intervenes on behalf of the man.

Adding a blood oath to your relationship with a woman or man; makes it more binding because in the spiritual realm, blood signifies life.

By taking a blood oath, you have unwittingly bounded your life with hers forever since there is no way you can both separate the blood you each sucked from the other person’s finger.

It is also strange that you took the oath knowing that you aren’t totally into each other. It is like betting away your peace of mind as well as future.

Already, having sex with her puts you in a precarious position; to add a blood oath to it, is ringing yourself into a very difficult corner; one you will need the special grace of God to survive.

To be candid, spiritually, you have armed this girl with every weapon to deal with you. If she is from the wrong stock, there is no telling the kinds of attacks you will experience should you decide to break up with her.

As it is now, that oath you took with her is a life acceptance of her person in your life; an assurance that you will always be hers and by her side; an iron-cast commitment to her.

Deep in her mind, she has ended her search for the right man since you went beyond oral commitment to something more assuring- a blood oath. Not even the exchange of marital vows can be as strong as the oath you took with her.  On this is the new anchor of your relationship; her renewed hope of a happy ending between the two of you.

Against this background; if you really hope to get out of this emotional gulf you have inadvertently placed yourself in, talk to her.

First sound her out; pick her brains on her views about the relationship, plans for the future as well as what she thinks about the blood oath.

From this point, you have to be very careful how you proceed with her and how you handle this situation.

Sounding her out, shall give you a complete picture into her feelings as well as her thoughts concerning the future of the relationship. This way, you will know what to say and how to present the issue to her.

At this crucial point, what you need is to come out with the truth. To do otherwise would only further complicate things in your lives.

If she isn’t into you as you claim; surely, she too maybe looking for a way out of the blunder both of you have committed.

By making an honest declaration that the reason for the oath was premised on selfish reasons and not a carefully thought at thing, you are giving her the open vista of the challenges that await both of you if you don’t come together to break it.

As much as possible; tell her about your unease, state of mind since the act and how wrong you think you in particular were to fathom such crazy idea.

This is the point you come out with the truth concerning your act. It could be you were scared of losing her to someone else; to ensure she remained yours for ever.

Whatever prompted you to ask for such highly spiritual covenant, she has a right to know.

Don’t lie about all the fears you had then and those you have now.

One of them, you must admit is the limitations it has placed on your socialization with members of the opposite sex. Let her know you feel very much like a prisoner to the oath.

No matter how bad she feels about the new development; she may not want to keep you tied to an oath against your will. If she is one woman who values her self worth and happiness, she will readily let go but if she isn’t you might have it very tough getting her to let go of you in which case, you have to pray ceaselessly to gain freedom from the prison you freely walked into.

Also, her attitude and reactions would also be moderated by what you intend to do with the relationship after the breaking of the oath. This is why you must be really clear and honest in all that you tell her.

If your reason is to let go of the relationship, don’t lie to her; be bold enough to tell her. the truth like I said before is, the sexual bond between a  man and woman equips the woman with the kind of spiritual power to deal with the man anytime she wishes. So, the issue here is not just about breaking the blood oath but about treating her with respect and sincerity.

Once you are truthful, you will get every support from her eventually even if at the beginning she appears uncooperative.

As for the question of whether a native doctor is required to break the oath, what for? It is bad enough that you had to resort to blood taking oath; don’t complicate your life with going to a native doctor to undo it. The two of you did it, the two of you should undo it on your own by asking for the forgiveness of God because of the blood and His mercy to overcome whatever repercussions your act might have provoked spiritually and physically.

Good luck.

Share a problem with Auntie Agatha on gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

I’m ashamed of her

Dear Agatha, I am a 50 years old woman, married with four children and a Christian. I have been married for 20 years to an uneducated woman who lied to me that she was a school certificate holder. My desire while in the university was to marry a lady with secondary school background and subsequently train her to higher education. To my chagrin, after our first child; I realized my wife could hardly read nor write. She apparently dropped out from primary school. Although she is pretty and smart, the mere fact that she is educationally deficient has been a huge source of embarrassment to me over the years. I find it difficult to go out with her or allow her socialise with my colleagues for fear she could misfire. Over the years I have tried to persuade her to further her education, albeit through the various adult education programme. She has always considered my insistence too hard on her. This has weakened my love for her and is making me to think of getting another lady with better education to give me the necessary social fulfillment I have always craved for. Apart from my first degree, I have two master degrees and despite all my entreaties for her to equip herself, she keeps resisting my moves. We had fought over this matter in the past which led to my asking her to pack out of my house for over a year until family members intervened and begged me. Honestly, her educational inadequacy has diminished my social outlook and networking because of fear of becoming susceptible to ridicule and embarrassment from my friends and their wives. Now I am considering the option of marrying a young lady with Higher National Diploma (HND) or first degree who will give me joy, fulfillment and happiness which my wife’s illiteracy has denied me over the years. Although she is very kind and respectful but the only thing lacking in our relationship is the lack of her educational pursuit which is at variance with my life and my status. I am a voracious reader and my private library speaks volumes of this. As a result of her educational limitations, she cannot understand or flow with the technicalities of my business; rather she has settled for mere buying and selling. Instead of my wife being at a vantage position in my business to understudy the operation, her limited education prevents her from occupying such prime position. We rely so much on others for support because our children are still young. Agatha, please advise me on what to do? It’s a matter that is giving me headache. Although, all is well with our relationship, but inside of me, I am not a happy man and this has affected my level of intimacy and romance with her. I only find solace in our children who are promising and doing well in school. Miserable Husband. Dear Miserable Husband, You are being stingy with the truth here. It is 20 years too late to dwell on whatever she told you before you got married or for you to dwell on your decision to marry her. I say this because, if she is as bad as you paint the picture of her illiteracy, how come you didn’t notice when you were wooing her to become your wife? Wasn’t there some level of communication between the two of you at the time you met and married her? Surely, you must have observed all these flaws you are now playing up from your conversation with her back then. That you didn’t mind sufficiently to discourage the relationship between the two of you progressing beyond the point it was back then, meant you were satisfied with her. So what changed? The fact that you are lying to yourself about what you want from her and marriage or that she lied to you about her qualifications? There is no way she could have masked this disability that is making you so uncomfortable back then. The truth is at that time, you didn’t think it an issue, was taken in by her beauty as well as the qualities of a good woman you saw in her. That inspite of her educational limitations she has been able to manage your home successfully, helped in building the viable business you have today as well as intelligent children underscores her qualities as a good woman, mother and home builder. Without all the support she gave you as an understanding woman, I doubt if you would have anything tangible to point to as your achievement. Ask men who are unfortunate to have bad women as wives; then you would learn to appreciate the mercy of God on your life. It is because this woman has given you peace in your life that is why you are so bothered about her lack of educational courtesies and qualifications. If she didn’t embarrass you when you wooed her to become your wife; has given your children the kind of support to make you proud of them, what makes you think she isn’t good enough for your class of friends? If she was the kind of woman who made the house very uncomfortable for you, I doubt if you would be so bothered about her lack of education. Men who have bad wives are more concerned about their peace than the kind of educational qualifications of the women. Those kinds of men would rather be happy with a complete illiterate than one with the best qualifications in the world. After 20 years, you should know by now that successful marriages aren’t powered by paper qualifications but by the ability of the woman in the house to cope with all the challenges thrown at her. I’m sure she has used proceeds from her buying and selling to support you and the home. That is why the Bible calls her a helpmate to her husband. If you have been in and out of the university pursuing one academic qualification or the other, it means, she has always been the one at home, tending to the children and you. Her university is in her home; her qualification is the success your children and you are today. That she didn’t make a mess of her primary assignment means she has something upstairs; has the often forgotten native intelligence to know when to approach her husband, know how to tend to his needs, massage his ego to ensure he stays in top form. I don’t know if her lack of education makes her inept in the bedroom, but be careful you don’t bring a woman who will hurt and destroy all that you and this woman laboured to build in the two decades of your marriage. Whether or not she can read or write doesn’t make her irrelevant in your achievements so far. It would be so unfair to bring in another woman to manage what this woman through her years of toil and support helped you to achieve. Sincerely, if you wanted her to improve on her education, there are other options you could have adopted to get her to comply. From the tone of your mail, it is obvious that your obsession with her level of education has made you very unfeeling, rude and insensitive to her needs as a person. In your opinion, she has completely failed in everything on account of what you think she lacks. You don’t have to become violent physically to make it clear to this woman that you no longer find her presence useful in your home. The method you are using is emotional violence; the kind people don’t see but makes the one at the receiving end bitter and lacking in self confidence. There is no way your attitude can motivate her to go back to school because already you have destroyed whatever little confidence she has in her abilities. If you are caring, understanding and lovingly persuasive, she knows that she can count on your support to overcome her fears or difficulties in her quest to be educated. But given your lord imperial approach and attitude, it would be almost impossible for you to get her to go back to school. No adult wants to be treated like an idiot or a child. If you are truthful, chances are you relate with her as an idiot lacking in any form of intelligence. Not until you change your superior approach towards her, you cannot get her to do anything beyond what the society expects of her as a good wife, mother and home-keeper. You can still get her to go back to school if you change your attitude towards her by learning to be an appreciative and loving husband. Marrying another woman isn’t a solution. Yes, she may have the kind of qualifications you desire in your woman, what about the qualifications of being a good and supportive wife? At 50, when your mates are planning their retirement, you want to start babies and nappies again? With tender care, attention and quality intimacy, your wife will agree to go back to school or allow a private teacher to coach her on the basic requirements to make her acceptable to your new social circle. Good luck.