Before my mum bungle my dream to be a wife…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My mother is ruining my life. I am tired and deeply unhappy and falling into depression. My mother is a single parent and I’m her only child. My father died 10 years ago and his family rejected me after his demise. From her story too, she also didn’t want me but kept me when she was told she would die if she attempted to abort me. In 2008, my mother rejected the man I was dating on the ground that he once dated her friend’s daughter. Despite her objections, I continued with him because we loved each other. He was my life, my world, just as I was his. However fate intervened when my pastor friend who is like my sister cautioned me against continuing with the relationship. According to the vision she saw concerning my boyfriend, he has a very short lifespan. For this reason she said, I should terminate the relationship. We were too deeply in love that we ended up sleeping with each other. However, 10 months into our relationship, his sister and mother said they didn’t like me even though his mum has never met me. We had no choice at that point but to end the relationship. Also, at about that time, I dreamt of him dying. But before I took the decision to leave him, I asked him if he knew about his short lifespan, he said he has been told. That was the point I decided it was time I left him. Therefore, I decided to date another man but I still couldn’t stop thinking about my former boyfriend. On about three occasions, I secretly met with him, but we didn’t go beyond kissing. After the third time, I decided to stop seeing him despite my feelings for him. Just as I was settling into my second relationship, I suffered a disappointment. He went back on his promise to marry me. At that point, I resumed having sex with my ex boyfriend even though he made it clear he wasn’t going into a full-scale relationship with me again. According to him, he needed time to think. After a while, I couldn’t wait because I felt he was just using me for sex. I left town for my master’s programme. At that point I decided to remain single. My mother keeps trying to get me back with my ex-boyfriend, who disappointed me unfortunately; I am not interested. She has done so many spiritual things; even got him to be calling me but I changed my number. My pastor warned against going home as my family was planning a wedding for me. According to her it would be my doom. Three months into my programme, another man proposed; actually on my birthday. I agreed because I felt I was over my first boyfriend. I introduced him to my mother’s sisters. They all accepted him, but my mother insisted she was going to pray about it. She came back to say it was my ex I should marry and not the man I want to marry. According to her, my ex is actually my husband. To my surprise, my aunties who were all in support of my choice also changed; at that point, I knew it was planned work. So I recorded all their conversation and played it to my fiancé. We had everything planned. His family was going to pay for everything and had even paid for the wedding dress as well as the wedding rings. He too abruptly ended the relationship. I therefore found myself thinking more about my first boyfriend whom I loved so much. Strangely, I wasn’t upset about my fiancé leaving; instead I was thinking more about my first boyfriend. But my mother insists I marry my second boyfriend and that I may never marry since he is the one ordained by God for me as my husband. The painful thing is that my mother has refused to listen to anything I say. She went to the extent of giving an ultimatum to call him. I am very angry with her because she won’t listen to me. Out of confusion, I called my first boyfriend only for him to inform me that he has another woman in his life. I was very hurt by statement and confession of being in love with his current woman. Although I still love him, I have accepted my fate. He however promised to come back to me if things don’t work out between him and this new woman in his life. My concern has to do with my mother’s attitude towards me. She is ruining my life and I really plan to stop seeing her for the sake of peace. She only listens to her sisters who are witches and out to destroy my life. They don’t want me to do well they want their children to do better than me. My mother has even joined her sisters because I saw her initiation in my dreams. Her sisters have tried to kill me severally in my dream, but God is always protecting me. My pastor who is like my sister prays a lot for me and supports and fights my battles, but it is starting to affect me psychologically. I am beginning to become very unhappy. Because I live alone, I am always very lonely and I am beginning to feel deeply unhappy. I love my ex but he is now in love with someone else. I am finding it hard to get over him. Please, how can I get over him and avoid doing what my mother wants? What should I do about my situation? Hurt Girl. Dear Hurt Girl, Go and discuss with your mother. She holds the key to your happiness. Although persistent prayers will free you from this problem but there is the need for you to call your mother to a private conference. From your account, it will be almost impossible for any man to stay with you if your mother maintains her stance. For reasons best known to her, she will continue to counter any decision you made. The men will continue to jilt you at vital points in your life. Fighting your mother or branding her names won’t work. That dream came about because God wanted you to be aware of the forces behind your problems. What you need now is wisdom to tackle that which God has shown you. It would be foolishness on your part to go about branding her a witch. You will only be complicating your situation. Don’t forget you were never wanted by her. She only kept you when she was told she would die if she attempted to abort you. Therefore, the battle you are fighting didn’t start today. It started the moment your father denied you and made you her sole responsibility. In a way she feels you owe her your life because she sacrificed her freedom and happiness for you. She secretly blames you for the pains of bringing up a child on her own as well as her inability to marry. Granted, she is your mother, but in her twisted view, she blames your presence in her life for all the problems in her own. She might have made up her mind to frustrate you the same way your father did to her. The human mind is deep and very incomprehensible. You are her child no doubt but you are also the daughter of the man who hurt her, the deepest in her life. Since your father is out of her reach, you are the next person she can hurt. This is why you must first understand the premise of her attitude towards you. In asking for a meeting with her, go on your knees and really beg her for forgiveness. Remind her that she is all you have; that you want to make her very proud and happy for the decision she took to look after and love you. Appreciate her for the sleepless nights, sacrifices she has been making as a mother. Let her know you owe her everything you are today. Thereafter, ask her why she thinks her choice is better than yours. Since you brought the man to her and not the other way round; give her the considerations that she might have observed one or two things you didn’t notice in this man. The man might have hurt you in the past but it won’t take anything out of you to listen to what your mother has to say. Promise her to consider her choice because obedience to one’s parents is an order from God. Then go back to God for help and assistance. Since He has established a means of communication with you, plead with Him to guide you. Also ask your pastor friend to stand in gap for you while you also pray and fast on your own. The spirit of God being universal, your dreams and prompting will be the same. It takes absolute wisdom to climb a slippery hill, no matter how deeply etched the footsteps are. The bond between mother and child is too strong and powerful. The mystery of the womb is so deep that mothers can invoke it whenever it pleases them. It is a spiritual thing, hence the need for you to be very careful and wise in dealing with your mother and her sisters. If your mother withdraws her support, her sisters will not be able to get you. They appear to be succeeding because they have the support of your mother. She is the one who has given them the spiritual authority to exercise over your affairs. Besides you have to act fast before it is too late. Don’t forget a woman’s lifespan is limited compared to that of the man. Even if you avoid her without begging her, you will never be free. If she refuses to let you be at the end of the day; hand her over to God who has all the power to redeem you. As for your ex, let go of him. He has his life to live; you had your time to mind too. Since you left him on account of him having a very short lifespan, why are you still holding on to the memories of him? For now, concentrate on empowering yourself spiritually. At the end of the day, whatever haze remains will be cleared by God Himself. At God’s right time you will get married. But whatever happens, always show respect for her person and position in your life. Good luck.

Won’t circumcision deny me good sex?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a lady of 23 years. I recently found out that I was circumcised as a baby. I have been wondering if I can enjoy sex naturally. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, There is no reason you shouldn’t enjoy sex like most circumcised women. There is nothing you can do about a situation that you have no control over. Granted, women who are not circumcised do enjoy sex better, but there is no peak a circumcised woman can’t get to if she knows her onion. Circumcision should not be an excuse for a woman not to enjoy sex. This is because sex is both a process and an attitude. A lot depends on the kind of attitude you have towards sex. Most of the time, problems come when we adopt the wrong attitude to sex. You get to an age when sex becomes a tool of pleasure, communication, consolidation and a way of life, when it ceases to be wrong or forbidden. When that time comes, it becomes so right, expansive and pleasurable. Honestly the mystery and pleasure of sex belong to those who are broad-minded. It also depends on the attitude of one’s partner. Fortunately, the woman is blessed with the depth and wisdom to draw any man out of his shell. To enjoy quality time with your husband, develop a very deep sense of adventure. You can achieve this by the different kinds of position you adopt. Some positions give the woman more pleasure than others. Even if you have been circumcised, your erotic points remain intact. All you have to do is to discover where those spots are. Once you find them out, encourage your man to concentrate on those zones, to give you ultimate pleasure at the point you need it the most. The use of fingertips and tongue can achieve magical results when applied at the right time and place. The pleasure of sex isn’t in the act alone, but in all the processes that go with it. Therefore, read up books, discuss on the subject and when the time comes, don’t be limited by your fears. Be proud to be a woman for your husband, the joy of it all to know how to hold on to him and bring him back with your body, soul and mind when he strays. Even if you are not circumcised, but lack the right kind of attitude towards sex, you still will not be able to enjoy sex fully. As a woman, you have it in you to enjoy sex any day and time, but wait until you are married. Marriage is the platform a woman needs to be fully happy. Just make up your mind to enjoy sex when you marry because it is a special gift from God. Good luck.

He opted out without explanation…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend, who is good and I care so much for him. I love him more than I do my parents. I recently fell ill, contrary to what I expected, he didn’t even bother about me. I really didn’t mind this, irrespective of how I felt about his attitude. My love for him didn’t diminish in anyway. However, he recently called me to announce his lack of interest in me any longer. He didn’t even bother to give me any explanations. What can I do? Please help me, because I still love him. Dammy. Dear Dammy, You are in that phase of life when hearts are broken and mended. When good dreams almost become a kind of nightmare; when love like a beautiful flower loses its firmness and fragrance overnight. You cannot do anything about his decision. Even if you think there is something you can do, for your own sake, don’t. Allow him be. He obviously isn’t into you, as you are with him, for reasons best known to him. Besides, the kind of love you described you have for him is akin to acute case of obsession – the kind that pockets reason. It can be very frightening for someone who has never experienced that kind of expression before. He is keeping away because you appear to be garroting him with what you feel for him. At the point he is now, the strong scent of your feelings for him is making him blind to your person, so much so he appears to have lost the real you in the shadow of your love. If you don’t grant him the freedom to get some sniff of fresh air, he could end up hating you at the end of the day. The danger of holding on too tightly to him now is that of losing him finally. Chances are after a while he may want to reconsider you, but first you have to let go of him for him to meet the person behind the feelings. Besides, it takes a special man, one with so much wisdom and understanding to appreciate your kind of woman who is so obvious with her feelings. More often than not, most men either think the woman is desperate or use her open mindedness to maltreat her. In addition, your feelings haven’t really given him a chance to meet the real you, this is important for the growth of any relationship. Give him the chance to meet all the sides there are to see in you. Granted you may love him more than you do your parents, but you may not in his opinion be good enough for him. There may be other aspects of you he isn’t comfortable with. Give him time to munch on what he likes the most about you. Besides, you will also need the time to scrutinise him beyond what you feel for him. For you as the woman, a relationship should be beyond what you feel to what works. You may love a man, but you have to be convinced by his character and attitude towards you that your feelings for him aren’t wasted. What if he at the end of the day says you should come back and begins to treat you as his doormat? As a woman, you must from this early begin to place some values on yourself. There is no harm in loving a man, but there is so much emotional damage in the long run by ignoring impending signs of danger. Being in love doesn’t mean you should ignore the fundamental fact of his indifference to you. If at this early stage in your relationship, he ignores you when ill, what do you think would happen when the relationship is older? This is the stage he should be at your beck and call, be attentive to your needs. This action is worth looking at and taking note of. Such seemingly unimportant points, at the end of the day, make the scale when considering the significant issue of marriage. No matter how much you care for a man, don’t ever allow him to get away with maltreating you, no matter how slight or insignificant. Once you allow him get away with it, it becomes a routine and pattern in the relationship. Every relationship must be balanced and well spelt out, each segment given its attention for the growth of the relationship. Right now, both of you need the time out to properly evaluate your feelings for each other. Don’t worry if you are both meant to be things will sure work out. Good luck.

Her promiscuity ended our affair, yet can’t stop thinking of her…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a problem with the girl I hope to marry in the nearest future. About 18 months ago I noticed she was having an affair with another guy while she kept denying the existence of such a thing between them. Sometime ago, I went to her hostel outside the school campus to spend the night with her. I noticed however that around 12 midnight, she received a call from someone. Thinking I have slept, she told the person at the other end of the phone that she would see him the next day. When she came back inside the room and I asked her whom it was she was speaking with, she didn’t answer me. When I took the key to the car and made to leave that night, she locked me in, insisting I could not leave at that time of the night. I however shoved her aside and left her room that night. I have come to her to beg in the company of some elders, but she won’t listen to what I have to say. However, in the last three months, despite having another girl in my life, I can’t stop thinking of my former girlfriend. Please what can I do to eliminate that girl from my thoughts? Please Agatha, help me out. Temitope. Dear Temitope, Emotional disappointments are normal in every relationship. They actually help us to refocus on the things that are most important in life. There is no man or woman alive who doesn’t have your kind of story to tell. These kinds of experiences are what give us character, history, and stories to tell when we get older in life. If you consider the fact that we would only end up marrying one person out of the many people we date or are interested in, it will help give new perspective and understanding to what is happening to you now. The fact is, if this lady was meant to last forever in your life, no other man would have been able to take her away from you. She may have come into your life for the purpose of helping you grow beyond the level you were when you two first started dating. No matter what you are currently feeling, the truth is that every relationship is unique, has a reason it happened as well as the lesson it has come to impact. Unfortunately, more often than not, we choose to mourn a failed relationship more than concentrating on the inherent lessons, every little experience packed into it, it teaches us. The chances of her ever coming back to you are very slim considering the fact that she turned down the pleas of the elders you brought to prevail on her. Frankly speaking, the time has come for you to devote more time to your current relationship so you don’t lose perhaps the most important woman that would ever grace your life. Close the last chapter of your life with your ex with determination. It is finished; to continue to hold on to it will be to destroy whatever kind of future that exists between you and your current girlfriend. Try putting yourself in the shoes of your new girlfriend. How would you feel if she is just using you to get over a bad relationship in her life? You have made the costly mistake of approaching her for a relationship when you were least prepared for another woman in your life. The least you can do now is to concentrate on making this relationship work. We all get to a point in our adult life when we make the knotty decision of damning all consequences and jumping head on into stormy water. This is that point in your life. It is either you elect to stay on, holding on to figments of a dream gone bad or plunge into this new relationship without thinking of the past. There are no two ways to make this work for you. Your heritage is all the things that happened in your previous relationship. Doubtless, you made some kinds of mistake. You must strive to avoid those mistakes in your current relationship. Only a wise student after failing an examination knows the things to avoid when rewriting the paper. That one is brilliant doesn’t make that person the wisest. If you really want to tap into the real lessons of your relationship with your ex, be truthful to yourself. Granted, she was dating you and another man concurrently, the fact that you still found it imperative to stay on shows that the fault wasn’t hers alone. Examine your own contributions to the final story. Accept where you went wrong with a view to avoiding the same mistakes in your current relationship and at the same time give attention to improving your strong points to make you an even better man. From your letter, I discerned two things. One, you appear weak as well as having temper. Every man, by virtue of the leadership position God has given him, should take charge. Although you didn’t say anything about what really led to the problem, but it appears that you were not in charge of that relationship because certain things simply didn’t add up. You knew she was having an affair and you still took elders to beg her. What was the motive of begging her, to continue to date you on the side or what? Then why did you take the unnecessary risk of leaving her hostel room at the ungodly hour you left even when she made attempts to stop you? One of the lessons you must learn, as a man, is to be firm and in full charge of your life and relationship at all times. No matter the provocation, control your temper. When a man is easily provoked into action, he becomes a victim of his own weakness. His temper can easily be used by a mischievous woman to justify her ulterior motives. The fact that you couldn’t control your temper enough to restrain yourself from leaving that night showcases you as a man not really in charge of his emotions. This is one area you should work on to make your next relationship enjoyable and profitable. Your ex may belong to the category of women that like strong willed men, not the kind they can control. This could be what your ex finds very objectionable about her relationship with you. To make this relationship work, you must do everything to stop your mind from drifting to this other lady. Regard her as a friend who has left your life for good. Besides, you will be robbing yourself of precious moments especially as your ex is moving on with her life. Therefore, devote time to finding out the uniqueness that is your new girlfriend. Look for her strong points; these will help you get to know her better. Follow this by creating special time for the two of you. Begin to build wonderful memories together; getting to know each other better will make it easier for you to begin to forget your ex. Another thing you should do is to make this new girl your best friend. Discuss and converse with her at all times. From the beginning, don’t make sex the most important thing in your current relationship; rather, let the emphasis be placed on friendship. This way you will not only be able to grow the relationship on values, a foundation that will help it overcome major crisis, you will also be giving it a special character it needs to flourish. But you have to be sure that you have some feelings for this lady; that you are not with her to fill your emptiness at the loss of your former girlfriend. Honestly, if you are using her as a rebound, you may never be able to rid yourself of the memories of the other woman or have the motivation to make this work. So before you go further and complicate the life of this innocent woman, be sure your feelings for her are right. If you are not so sure, it is best you let her be at this early stage because to continue would be to spoil her for any other man who will be interested in marrying her, thereby making her a victim of your own shortcomings. Stay on only if you are sure of what you feel for her. Good luck.

He womanises, but still my dream guy

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am young, a Nigerian and in love with a Ghanaian. We are both in love with each other but I noticed he is always interested in having sex with me. Since I refused to have sex with him, he does elsewhere. He is a footballer and travels to many places. He also likes flirting with different girls. I don’t want to lose him because he is everything I want in a guy. Please help me before I lose my mind. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, Unless you are ready to sleep with him, be prepared to lose him. This is because any man who cares about a woman doesn’t force her to do anything against her will especially if it has to do with sex. That he is sleeping with another woman while still in a relationship with you is enough evidence that capitulating to his demands will not stop him from flirting and having other affairs. At the end of the day, you will be the final loser because. after sleeping with you, you become like all the other women that have graced his bed, a mere statistic to add to his trophies of conquests. Given the kind of picture you have painted of him, such a man cannot be held down by sex because he still regards it as a form of recreation, fun as well as something he has a right to wherever he goes. In his current state of mind, every girl he sees is a good spot. He may like you in his own way but love? I doubt. This is because love goes hand in hand with respect and plenty of sacrifices. A man who is truly in love will understand why you are insisting on time to be ready and willing to endure the attendant restraints that go within the territory. That he isn’t afraid to advertise his interest in other women and the extent of his relationship with them tells a story of his own; one any sensible girl desirous of preserving her future must guard against. Should you allow yourself to be blackmailed into agreeing to what he wants and pregnancy occurs in the process, this kind of man will demand you abort the pregnancy. This is because he is having too much fun to want to be tied down to the apron strings of any woman or child for that matter. Until he begins to attach some responsibility, respect and value to the act of intimacy and you, be careful. One way you can help yourself become relevant to him is to be different from all the girls around him. Apart from insisting on not having sex, set your targets in life. Focus on growing and empowering yourself. If you are still in school, make education your priority. Become the best in your set. This way, you will not only show him that you have what it takes to excel but a material any man with senses should hold on to. By the time you make the right choices, he would be the one running after you, craving for your attention, afraid of losing you instead of you lapping after him. Make yourself a woman most men would want to have for life. It is the one of the most effective ways a woman can attract and keep the attention of a man. In addition to securing your position in life, it will help you give new meaning to your life, dreams and aspiration. Sex is cheap, when done without value, plans and for the fun of it. As with everything, when your season comes, you will wonder at the concern you put into something that isn’t worth it. There is no time you go to shop for sex that you won’t get it, but if you don’t devote time for improving your life, giving new meanings and challenges to it at its time, you will end up with more regrets than you can manage. Let this man know that your body and mind growth are more important to you than what he is offering you. Leave him. Don’t worry too much about his attitude towards you. See it as a way of helping you grow in responsibility. Next time he comes, tell him he is free to go since you will never submit to him until your season comes. If he is yours, he will wait for you but if he isn’t, you allow him go before you make the worst kind of mistake in your life. Good luck.

My father-in-law raped me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two months ago, my husband of 18 months travelled for a six-month course abroad. Since I was with a little baby and nobody to stay with me, his mother told him to allow me come stay with them pending the time he would come back from his training. My mother-in-law was the second wife and was hardly at home due to the nature of her business. The first wife too also had a business to run so I was left on my own most of the time. But it was better than staying in our flat all by myself. The first time it happened, I was all alone with my father-in-law at home when he raped me right on my mother-in-law’s bed. There was nobody to talk to and besides who would believe me? It became a pattern for him to force his attention on me anytime he so desires. I didn’t even know I had become pregnant because I was still breast-feeding my baby. It was my mother-in-law who discovered my state and demanded for an explanation. It was then I opened up to her about what has been happening behind her. To my surprise, she believed my story just as my father-in-law didn’t bother to deny being responsible for my pregnancy. It was at that point I discovered that he is the father of his first daughter’s child; a reason why the first wife and her children hate him with so much passion. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Though I have aborted the pregnancy, I am not so sure about my stay in the house and family anymore. Despite the fact that my mother-in-law has begged me not to tell my husband, there is no way I would feel comfortable anymore knowing what I have been through in the hands of my father-in-law. I haven’t told my family and don’t know if I should inform my husband about the incident. In my part of the country, what the father did to me is considered a taboo. I am afraid for my child. What if I allow my husband get close to me and he dies or my son for that matter? I really love my husband and would have loved to spend the rest of my life with him but given this shameful act, how can I allow my husband get intimate with me when I now hate all men? He is due back any moment from now and I still don’t have a clue as to what to do. What should I do? Do I tell my husband the whole story of what his father did to me? Distressed Wife. Dear Distressed Wife, Honestly, your story is very pathetic. But you acted childish by not telling your mother-in-law the first time he raped you. By not saying anything, you gave the impression that you liked it hence his nerve in coming back to rape you whenever he felt the urge to sleep with you. Had you fought him, threatened to tell the whole world, he might not have continued till he got you pregnant. In a way, by your silence you gave him the confidence to. Even if you couldn’t tell your mother-in-law, you could have reported the incident to your husband or insisted on going to stay with a friend or your family pending the time your husband comes back. Since his father has the record of having raped his daughter, without you even telling your husband the entire story of what transpired, he would have guessed your reasons through your action. Also, your mother-in-law and husband share in the blame. Since your husband knew his father has the problem of sleeping indiscriminately with women, including his daughter, he should never have agreed to his mother’s suggestion that you come to stay in the same house as his father while he was away. Any man who can father a child through his daughter, is capable of sleeping with any woman. Your husband should have either insisted you stayed alone in the house or with your own people if he didn’t want to tell you the nature of his father. By allowing you stay without putting you on the alert, he indirectly helped the situation you are now in. No matter how hard a leopard tries, he can never change its spots. Your mother-in-law as an elderly woman, should have devoted more time to protecting you from her husband. Knowing the nature of her husband, she should have pended her business since she was the one that invited you to come and stay. As it is, it is only a matter of time before your husband hears the full story. If he doesn’t hear it from his parents, he would definitely hear it from one of his siblings especially from his stepsiblings who would joyfully give him all the details since the shame isn’t only on their side of the family anymore. Since his course is nearing completion, move out of that home immediately. You can go to your parents’. For now, don’t tell them anything, just give them an excuse as to why you want to come and stay with them until your husband comes back. Once he gets back, tell him everything. He deserves to know. If you decide to leave him after telling him, at least he would know why. After that, you can tell your parents if you so desire but be sure that you are convinced that you are through with the marriage because no sane parents would want their daughter to continue in such a family. Frankly a lot depends on your husband. Even though you are the victim, some men would have this habit of making the woman feel like the offender when it comes to rape cases. The simple fact that you didn’t speak out when it first happened is enough reason for him to adjudge you guilty but like I said, the direction your home heads would depend greatly on how much he loves you as well as his level of maturity. The fact that you got pregnant in the process and had to abort is another high point of worry. But at this delicate stage, commit everything to the hands of God. As for your customs and tradition, let your husband worry about that. Since he isn’t oblivious of it, he will certainly know the steps to take. And if he isn’t, point it out to him of the consequences of both of you not intimating elders in your side of the family of the spiritual implications of what his father did to you later in life. Even if you don’t have such cultural norms, it isn’t right for both father and son to have sexual relationship with the same woman. The fact that you got pregnant in the process of it is enough reasons for you and your husband to seek spiritual help from a pastor. Go before an ordained man of God who is in a position to intercede on your behalf to ward off any spiritual consequences of the abomination your father-in-law committed with you. Whatever happens, be rest assured that God is a fair judge and would at His time and season wipe away the pains, humiliations and abuse of this moment. And one of the ways you can rise above this challenge is to refuse to take the blame of being responsible for it. God is your strength and reason for being alive. Good luck.

I’m in blood oath with three girls…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been following a lot of your advice. I am one of your great fans. I am currently in a very deep mess. At first I didn’t know the gravity of the problem or the situation I was getting myself into. I took blood oaths with three different ladies, and I want to do away with all these oaths. The promise was that I would always love them, no matter the circumstances. My questions are, won’t these oaths have negative effects on my life and how can I break them. Please assist me. Lynx, Uganda Dear Lynx, Blood promise with one person is bad enough. What were you thinking in taking blood oath with three different women, all promising to love them no matter the situation? There is no contesting the fact that these covenants would have negative effects on you later in life, because blood itself involves life. It represents the spirit of life in everything that is living. Therefore when one goes into blood oaths, it goes beyond the physical. It becomes an exchange between the spirits of life. Each of these women come with their spiritual beings, their destinies, their challenges, and all the attendants things we do on earth. To have gone into promises that require the exchange of blood, you receive their challenges along with yours. They too are with some of your own fortune, because you are the one who make the greater promise of loving them through thick and thin. As the one who is unfaithful, you are the one most likely to end up with the physical and spiritual liabilities of each of these women. Because they are three in number, it means you will, unless God intervenes swim from one problem to the other because blood covenant is the only kind of oath God recognises and accepts. This is because blood is the only substance in our bodies that cocoons the secret of life. This is why scientists, though have the knowledge of its composition, have not been able to find a surrogate for blood. The substance of life has to come from another human being for one life in need of blood to be saved. There is no other way to it. Blood represents the spirit of God in humans especially. It is a highly spiritual import, which is why it took the atonement of the blood of Jesus Christ to set us free from the stronghold of the devil. This is why the toughest sacrifices and fetish demands are often blood related. In the eyes of God, you are spiritually married to these women. Even if you marry another woman, no matter how exceptional she is, without you doing something about breaking these multiple oaths you entered into, your chances of finding happiness in life are very slim. What others are getting with ease will become so much of a struggle for you. Without meaning to frighten you, if any of these women is vicious enough to resist your attempts at pacifying her, you will forever remain under her spiritual authority until she lets go. This is because God recognises the first covenant you entered into especially as it involved the exchange of blood. Unfortunately, breaking them isn’t always as easy as the process of entering into such high level oaths. This is because it is impossible to separate the blood each of you sucked on that day of the oath. First you have to seek the face of God in prayers and fasting for mercy. Don’t forget He is a covenant keeping God, one that operates on the principle of life for a life. Only His mercy and help can undo that which you foolishly did to yourself especially as your motive was based on deceit and greed to have each of these women in your life at all cost. One thing is do something based on the goodness of heart another is to do it based on falsehood. You thought entering into these covenants was the only way to get these women to trust sufficiently in your quest to have them. Sadly, you have become the prisoner of your greed. This is why your case goes beyond the ordinary breaking of vows to first seeking the forgiveness of God. It has to come from a heart that is really repentant and seeking of true mercy. If possible, go and meet with your pastor to pray along with you. It isn’t just the now but about your entire future. The sad thing about blood covenants especially if it involves a woman who is spiritually unforgiving, the man risks involving all his entire descendants in a battle they know nothing of. This is because the scorned woman will stop at nothing, including going through higher powers to seek revenge. Only the mercy of God can help ward off situations like this. Follow this up with visits to each of these women to explain your reasons for entering into the oath with them and why you are now backing out. It is important you don’t complicate an already bad situation with lies. At this junction you are now, only the truth can set you free. It has gone beyond questing for their forgiveness to revealing your real reason for going into such oaths from the beginning. Once you are able to secure the pardon of these women, return to your source with all the women for special deliverance. As long as you trust in God and are determined to stay put in His way, He will help you but you have to be truthful to yourself. Good luck.

My father-in-law raped me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two months ago, my husband of 18 months travelled for a six-month course abroad. Since I was with a little baby and nobody to stay with me, his mother told him to allow me come stay with them pending the time he would come back from his training. My mother-in-law was the second wife and was hardly at home due to the nature of her business. The first wife too also had a business to run so I was left on my own most of the time. But it was better than staying in our flat all by myself. The first time it happened, I was all alone with my father-in-law at home when he raped me right on my mother-in-law’s bed. There was nobody to talk to and besides who would believe me? It became a pattern for him to force his attention on me anytime he so desires. I didn’t even know I had become pregnant because I was still breast-feeding my baby. It was my mother-in-law who discovered my state and demanded for an explanation. It was then I opened up to her about what has been happening behind her. To my surprise, she believed my story just as my father-in-law didn’t bother to deny being responsible for my pregnancy. It was at that point I discovered that he is the father of his first daughter’s child; a reason why the first wife and her children hate him with so much passion. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Though I have aborted the pregnancy, I am not so sure about my stay in the house and family anymore. Despite the fact that my mother-in-law has begged me not to tell my husband, there is no way I would feel comfortable anymore knowing what I have been through in the hands of my father-in-law. I haven’t told my family and don’t know if I should inform my husband about the incident. In my part of the country, what the father did to me is considered a taboo. I am afraid for my child. What if I allow my husband get close to me and he dies or my son for that matter? I really love my husband and would have loved to spend the rest of my life with him but given this shameful act, how can I allow my husband get intimate with me when I now hate all men? He is due back any moment from now and I still don’t have a clue as to what to do. What should I do? Do I tell my husband the whole story of what his father did to me? Distressed Wife. Dear Distressed Wife, Honestly, your story is very pathetic. But you acted childish by not telling your mother-in-law the first time he raped you. By not saying anything, you gave the impression that you liked it hence his nerve in coming back to rape you whenever he felt the urge to sleep with you. Had you fought him, threatened to tell the whole world, he might not have continued till he got you pregnant. In a way, by your silence you gave him the confidence to. Even if you couldn’t tell your mother-in-law, you could have reported the incident to your husband or insisted on going to stay with a friend or your family pending the time your husband comes back. Since his father has the record of having raped his daughter, without you even telling your husband the entire story of what transpired, he would have guessed your reasons through your action. Also, your mother-in-law and husband share in the blame. Since your husband knew his father has the problem of sleeping indiscriminately with women, including his daughter, he should never have agreed to his mother’s suggestion that you come to stay in the same house as his father while he was away. Any man who can father a child through his daughter, is capable of sleeping with any woman. Your husband should have either insisted you stayed alone in the house or with your own people if he didn’t want to tell you the nature of his father. By allowing you stay without putting you on the alert, he indirectly helped the situation you are now in. No matter how hard a leopard tries, he can never change its spots. Your mother-in-law as an elderly woman, should have devoted more time to protecting you from her husband. Knowing the nature of her husband, she should have pended her business since she was the one that invited you to come and stay. As it is, it is only a matter of time before your husband hears the full story. If he doesn’t hear it from his parents, he would definitely hear it from one of his siblings especially from his stepsiblings who would joyfully give him all the details since the shame isn’t only on their side of the family anymore. Since his course is nearing completion, move out of that home immediately. You can go to your parents’. For now, don’t tell them anything, just give them an excuse as to why you want to come and stay with them until your husband comes back. Once he gets back, tell him everything. He deserves to know. If you decide to leave him after telling him, at least he would know why. After that, you can tell your parents if you so desire but be sure that you are convinced that you are through with the marriage because no sane parents would want their daughter to continue in such a family. Frankly a lot depends on your husband. Even though you are the victim, some men would have this habit of making the woman feel like the offender when it comes to rape cases. The simple fact that you didn’t speak out when it first happened is enough reason for him to adjudge you guilty but like I said, the direction your home heads would depend greatly on how much he loves you as well as his level of maturity. The fact that you got pregnant in the process and had to abort is another high point of worry. But at this delicate stage, commit everything to the hands of God. As for your customs and tradition, let your husband worry about that. Since he isn’t oblivious of it, he will certainly know the steps to take. And if he isn’t, point it out to him of the consequences of both of you not intimating elders in your side of the family of the spiritual implications of what his father did to you later in life. Even if you don’t have such cultural norms, it isn’t right for both father and son to have sexual relationship with the same woman. The fact that you got pregnant in the process of it is enough reasons for you and your husband to seek spiritual help from a pastor. Go before an ordained man of God who is in a position to intercede on your behalf to ward off any spiritual consequences of the abomination your father-in-law committed with you. Whatever happens, be rest assured that God is a fair judge and would at His time and season wipe away the pains, humiliations and abuse of this moment. And one of the ways you can rise above this challenge is to refuse to take the blame of being responsible for it. God is your strength and reason for being alive. Good luck.

I’m in blood oath with three girls…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been following a lot of your advice. I am one of your great fans. I am currently in a very deep mess. At first I didn’t know the gravity of the problem or the situation I was getting myself into. I took blood oaths with three different ladies, and I want to do away with all these oaths. The promise was that I would always love them, no matter the circumstances. My questions are, won’t these oaths have negative effects on my life and how can I break them. Please assist me. Lynx, Uganda Dear Lynx, Blood promise with one person is bad enough. What were you thinking in taking blood oath with three different women, all promising to love them no matter the situation? There is no contesting the fact that these covenants would have negative effects on you later in life, because blood itself involves life. It represents the spirit of life in everything that is living. Therefore when one goes into blood oaths, it goes beyond the physical. It becomes an exchange between the spirits of life. Each of these women come with their spiritual beings, their destinies, their challenges, and all the attendants things we do on earth. To have gone into promises that require the exchange of blood, you receive their challenges along with yours. They too are with some of your own fortune, because you are the one who make the greater promise of loving them through thick and thin. As the one who is unfaithful, you are the one most likely to end up with the physical and spiritual liabilities of each of these women. Because they are three in number, it means you will, unless God intervenes swim from one problem to the other because blood covenant is the only kind of oath God recognises and accepts. This is because blood is the only substance in our bodies that cocoons the secret of life. This is why scientists, though have the knowledge of its composition, have not been able to find a surrogate for blood. The substance of life has to come from another human being for one life in need of blood to be saved. There is no other way to it. Blood represents the spirit of God in humans especially. It is a highly spiritual import, which is why it took the atonement of the blood of Jesus Christ to set us free from the stronghold of the devil. This is why the toughest sacrifices and fetish demands are often blood related. In the eyes of God, you are spiritually married to these women. Even if you marry another woman, no matter how exceptional she is, without you doing something about breaking these multiple oaths you entered into, your chances of finding happiness in life are very slim. What others are getting with ease will become so much of a struggle for you. Without meaning to frighten you, if any of these women is vicious enough to resist your attempts at pacifying her, you will forever remain under her spiritual authority until she lets go. This is because God recognises the first covenant you entered into especially as it involved the exchange of blood. Unfortunately, breaking them isn’t always as easy as the process of entering into such high level oaths. This is because it is impossible to separate the blood each of you sucked on that day of the oath. First you have to seek the face of God in prayers and fasting for mercy. Don’t forget He is a covenant keeping God, one that operates on the principle of life for a life. Only His mercy and help can undo that which you foolishly did to yourself especially as your motive was based on deceit and greed to have each of these women in your life at all cost. One thing is do something based on the goodness of heart another is to do it based on falsehood. You thought entering into these covenants was the only way to get these women to trust sufficiently in your quest to have them. Sadly, you have become the prisoner of your greed. This is why your case goes beyond the ordinary breaking of vows to first seeking the forgiveness of God. It has to come from a heart that is really repentant and seeking of true mercy. If possible, go and meet with your pastor to pray along with you. It isn’t just the now but about your entire future. The sad thing about blood covenants especially if it involves a woman who is spiritually unforgiving, the man risks involving all his entire descendants in a battle they know nothing of. This is because the scorned woman will stop at nothing, including going through higher powers to seek revenge. Only the mercy of God can help ward off situations like this. Follow this up with visits to each of these women to explain your reasons for entering into the oath with them and why you are now backing out. It is important you don’t complicate an already bad situation with lies. At this junction you are now, only the truth can set you free. It has gone beyond questing for their forgiveness to revealing your real reason for going into such oaths from the beginning. Once you are able to secure the pardon of these women, return to your source with all the women for special deliverance. As long as you trust in God and are determined to stay put in His way, He will help you but you have to be truthful to yourself. Good luck.

She’s older than me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, First, I want to use this medium to comment on the good work you are doing. Keep it up. I am a man of 30 years of age, dating a woman, 33, and a single mother. Despite the age differences, she is very respectful. We have been dating for four months now and things are very perfect between us. She has contributed positively to my life as well as that of my family. The only draw back is our age differences. I don’t know what people will say about me. I am shy to work with her publicly. Please advise me on what to do. Shy Man. Dear Shy Man, There is nothing I say here that would help you if you don’t have the guts to align with your love. You must have confidence in your choice of a woman to be able to convince those around you that she is the only one for you. If you, who is supposed to be her support base, is shy, don’t want people to associate you with her, then there is no future for your relationship. If there is anybody making obvious the age differences between the two of you, it is you. If you don’t allow it to bother you, nobody would know about the age differences. More often than not people pick their reactions to issues from the signals we emit. As long as you make it clear to everybody that you don’t care if she is older or younger than you are, she remains your source of joy. And if the truth must be told, three years aren’t such phenomenal difference to make you very uncomfortable unless of course you don’t understand the dynamism of true love or there is something you are not comfortable with about her general appearance. If that is the case, it has nothing to per se to do with her age but that aspect of her you have problem with. By isolating that spot and dealing with it individually, you are able to resolve it without compromising the essence of the relationship. It might simply be a case of changing her dress sense. Removing one colour and replacing it with another or substituting one kind of cut for another that will give her the younger look. It could also be replacing one favourite hairstyle with another for that younger and promising look. Both of you can manage the information between both of you if you so desire and are truthful to your conscience. It is a matter of you both sitting down to discuss as truthfully as possible. As long as the issues in your relationship aren’t fundamental, trust me, this age thing can be tackled. And if the fear is how you would present a woman who already has a child to your family and friends, be definite and very honest about it as it will help clear a lot of clouds your attitude is generating. It is a matter of knowing what you want and going after it. Don’t forget that something about her disposition attracted you to her; give that thing a deeper thought and attention. It will help you focus on the true value of your relationship at all times. Do it urgently before it destroys the relationship beyond repairs. The evidence of her child shows, she has suffered disappointment in the past. Your attitude, if not properly refocused, would only open old wounds she has since buried. Only the truth can resolve this. Good luck.

My man friend turns out to be my husband’s cousin…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, About eight months ago, I was having a challenge in my home. My husband wasn’t sleeping with me anymore, so I told my best friend about it. She told me to go out and have sex with another man when the situation was becoming too unbearable for me. According to her, it would help reduce the tension in my body and home. At that point, I was ready for anything because my body could no longer bear it. I know from her own experience what she is doing to relieve tension. Her husband is the kind of man who hardly has time for her. As a result she has a man friend on the side that does the job of relieving her of the tension in her body. She arranged the friend of her own man friend for me. This man has been asking me out for a long time, so it was a good opportunity for both of us. My marriage is only three years old, so the chances of me knowing all his friends and relatives were slim. Besides, we only courted for six months. We got married when I got pregnant. We didn’t want my parents or his to know about my state of being, devoted Christians. Agatha, how was I to know that the man I have been sleeping with outside my home is my husband’s first cousin? You can imagine my surprise when my husband and this man walked into my living room about two weeks ago. I almost fainted when my husband introduced the man as his first cousin with whom he lost touch several years ago due to family problems. I managed to play my role that day. Although, he called me that night to assure me he would never reveal our relationship to my husband, and that he will never bother me again. I am however afraid because of my feelings for him. More so, my husband has invited him over to stay with us while in the country. He actually came from his base in South Africa to supervise a project for his company. Until he met my husband again, he was putting up in a hotel. Besides, I have come to enjoy his company so much I don’t miss my husband at all anymore. But the fear now is that his partners he came with are aware of our relationship. What if they go and inform my husband about his cousin and I? What do I do, Agatha? My friend thinks I should continue since my husband and I are yet to settle whatever the problem is. I have stopped asking him to share my bed. I need help since I don’t want to be sleeping with different men as a married woman. Gabriella. Dear Gabriella, What do you hope to achieve by destroying your home? Isn’t it enough that the man that you are having an affair with is your husband’s cousin? Isn’t the fact that you were nearly caught enough for you to repent and do whatever you have to do to resolve the issue in your marriage? What kind of woman leaves her home burning while she flirts around like a butterfly? Is sleeping around a panacea to the issue in your marriage? How has having an affair solved the problem of your husband not sleeping with you? No matter how good how much of an expert he is in the bedroom, you can never advertise your relationship or the satisfaction you are getting from him as a woman. Whatever it is you are having with him, it remains a hidden pleasure; something you cannot proclaim to anybody apart from this friend who appears determined to push you to your marital doom. Somehow, God appears to be giving you the chance to repent and move closer to your husband. The fact this cousin of your husband is determined to end the relationship without informing his brother about your irresponsible conduct should have made you give everything up and think of how to make your husband happy. There is no denying the fact that sex is addictive and very enjoyable, but as a married woman, your body, mind and soul belong to your husband. If he isn’t having sex with you, the right thing is to ask him why he is avoiding you. Granted his behaviour is provocative but your solution will only expose you to ridicule and blame in the long run. A good wife finds way of building her home and not destroying it. Just think, if this man were one of those that kiss and tell; what would have happened to you on that day he walked into your home with your husband? Most men have killed their wives for lesser offences. If you are wise, discontinue your association with your friend. The fact that your friend appears to be getting away with her game doesn’t make it right or that you will be that lucky. Use the opportunity God has given you to sit down to reflect on the value of your life and home. No matter how the roads get bumpy and thorny in a marriage, it is the woman that endures the pains to gather all the pieces together again. Don’t allow your friend to destroy what is left of your home. Let her know that her solution isn’t the kind you want anymore in your marriage and life. What explanations would you give your husband if you contract a sexually transmitted disease from one of your male lovers or accidentally get pregnant? As long as you haven’t made up your mind to end the marriage, still determined to stay in it, it behooves you to make it work at all cost. Sleeping around has never been known to solve any marital problem. Instead it will complicate things for you. Nobody will give you a chance to explain what led you into it. A woman is expected to be more circumventing when it comes to the issue of extramarital affair. The true character of a marriage is the kind of sacrifices and challenges we are able to overcome. Go back to your drawing table and do a thorough x-ray of the many things that could have gone wrong. Fortunately you have a history together. No matter how short your courtship was you must have noticed one or two things about him. After staying with him for about three years, you ought to know by now what makes him happy as well as that thing that makes him unhappy. If you cast your mind back, you should know at what point your husband lost interest in you and your body. What you need to ask yourself is why? What has been the persistent issue in your marriage until this development? Can you cast your mind back? Has he ever complained of anything about your body, comportment and attitude to sex? Is he crazy about sex as much as you or does he want something you cannot give? If you were to score your sex life with your husband, how would you grade it? Sincerely, what do you miss most about not having sex with him anymore? From experience, only a sincere heart can unravel this mystery in your marriage. Your husband may not want to talk about it but if you know how to worm your way into the right part of his heart, you will get to the root of the problem, something running from the arm of different men will never be able to achieve. One of the ways to make him talk is to cook his favourite meal. Ensure you have his undivided attention, go on your knees and ask him to forgive whatever offence you might have committed to make him shun your bed. Whatever it will cost you, bury your pride and really beg for his forgiveness. Even if he was the wrong one, the fact that you have been unfaithful to him makes you now the guilty party. Even though you will never be able to tell him the things you did behind him, begging him from the depth of your heart will go a long way in helping your home recover from this mess fast enveloping your home. In begging him, ask him what he wants you to do to make him happy. Remind him of the reasons he married you and you him. Follow this by wearing the most naughty nightgowns, the kind no man can resist. Your objective is to first of all get him to be intimate with you. Once this is accomplished, it would be easier for both of you to talk about the real issue in your marriage. You must however ask God for forgiveness, because no matter what, you have stepped out of line. From this point, hold on to Him and avoid people that are like this friend of yours. As for his cousin, you could appeal to him not to take up your husband’s offer for the sake of both of you. I am sure from his conduct and attitude, he would not want to risk another family war between the two of them. Good luck.

Failure imminent in my relationship

Dear Agatha, Please help me. My relationship of six years is about to crash and I don’t have any idea of how to salvage it. Debi. Dear Debi, A lot of things can go wrong with long courtships; the chief culprit being excessive familiarity, the main headache of most relationships. When a dating couple gets too familiar with weaknesses and faults, it makes the relationship difficult to grow. This is because too much of familiarity breeds contempt; one of the things that destroy a relationship. Often than not, long courtships make couples have rethink about going any further especially when they consider the permanent things that each of them will have to cope with throughout life’s journey. It is a human thing, something every relationship goes through. The difference is that by the time married couples come to that realisation, the legality of marriage makes it impossible to beat a retreat unlike a dating couple, where one party may decide to sink a long-standing relationship without looking back. Truthfully speaking, in most cases, it is almost impossible to revive long-standing relationships when they hit the rocks. The party that wants to go is often than not too much in a hurry to end it and marry the next person. You really will have to work extra hard to make what you have work. It will help to bear in mind that this may not work at the end of the day. Such an attitude will really help you recover or put things in their right perceptive. The first question is who is the problem in this relationship? Who is taking the other for granted and why is the crack getting bigger everyday? This is the moment of stock-taking and telling yourself the truth. The relationship cannot collapse without the help of both of you. At this critical stage, don’t assume the holier-than- thou attitude of him being the sole reason the relationship isn’t working. Sit yourself down for a thorough critique. What are his persistent complaints about you all these years? What steps did you take in addressing the situation? If you can promise yourself a change in attitude and know that no matter what you will keep to it, go ahead and try to make him see reasons. But because you don’t have any legal base beyond the relationship you both share, sit him down not to plead but to have a true discussion. At this critical stage, pleas only won’t work. It has to be done with every sincere attempt needed to salvage what is left. It is only after getting him to sit to discuss that you can worry about the future of the relationship. Allow him to pour out his heart first if he is the one that is asking to go. Hear him, his complaints as well as his views about the things you should have done as a woman to make the relationship work. This will give you a clear picture of where the trouble signals are as well as prepare you for what to say and the tasks ahead of both of you. Also ask if there is someone else. Though it might hurt to know, just as his words will help you define the way to go; knowing there is another woman will also define the kind of work you need to do to make the relationship work again. It is a matter of him too wanting the same things you want. Once you get him to look back at the beginning, how it was and all the dreams you both packed into the relationship, he might want to give it another try. But all these depend on the kind of understanding you both had at the inception of the relationship. If there was never any plan for both of you to marry, you simply took it for granted, it might be a different kettle of fish. However, one thing that might work in your favour is the knowledge of time; at least you know what to avoid in the future but you have to get past this critical point first. Finally, if God is in this relationship, this period will only enhance its value but if not, He will bring someone else to make you happy. Good luck. Re: My love feelings for guys dead Dear Agatha, I was so much thrilled when I saw the advice you gave the 20-year-old who says she has lost feelings for guys and also feels horny inside her in Sunday Independent Newspaper 03/06/12. In fact, I liked every bit of your advice because that’s what I give to the young girls around especially the one I want to marry. Everybody feels horny but what makes the difference is the ability to hold oneself in the face of such hormonal war. It is good to balance her spiritual and physical demands, what she really wants in life before placing sex on the table. It is good that every young girl graduates into the hands of her husband than after passing through a lot of ugly experiences in the hands of men cum boys. These are sinful as well as undesirable, even the men that do that would not want their own wives to be exposed like that. Thank you very much and God bless you. Best wishes, Dr. Echi, Paul Chinedu

My husband is no longer interested in me sexually

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your advice. I have been married for five years. My marriage is blessed with two children. Recently, my husband stopped asking for sex. He gets angry at everything I do and I keep apologising for nothing. Now, I am tired so I want to avoid him too. What do you think? I strongly think he is seeing another woman. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Although this is often difficult to admit but over 90 percent of marriages have your kind of challenge. It takes the grace of God for a man to remain faithful to his vows. The struggle of the average man to stay true to his vows is getting more complex with the growing lack of moral values among both married and single women. Therefore, if your husband is straying, don’t get too upset rather, pretend your marriage is going through a phase of life for which you must put extra efforts to make it work. At just five years, it is too early for you to cave in to any threat. And one way to make this marriage work for you is to delete the worry of other women from your list of challenges. As long as you cover your flanks properly, you really have very little to fear in the long run. One secret, women whose marriages have endured, is never to allow another woman take over their homes. Other problems may cause a separation but allowing another woman take over your man and home is something you must fight with everything God has given you as a woman. This man is your husband; meaning you have a hold over him no other woman has. As a single man, you were not the first and only woman he came across. He saw, dated and probably thought of marrying other women before he met and settled for you. That in itself puts you head and shoulders above every other woman that has come into his life and would ever come. These women will remain transient visitors in his life. For this reason, as well as being the mother of his children, ignore all the signs that another woman is in his life. You definitely don’t have any problems with her. Sincerely, she isn’t an issue if you know how to play your cards well. However, she becomes a real one if you neglect the important things, nagging your husband and elevating her to be the real challenge. So what, if he isn’t having sex with you now? Yes, painful and emotionally traumatising but not insurmountable. To get round this problem, it is essential you tackle it right from the foundation. What was it like in your early days of marriage? Precisely, has sex been wonderful and adventurous between the two of you? And outside the bedroom, what are you like? If you were a man, would you enjoy being married to a woman with your character and attitude? Are you neat enough for him? What kind of respect and honour do you accord your husband? Are you the kind of woman who can’t be bothered how she addresses her man in the presence of visitors and family members? Do you bother about his food, home and appearance? Or are you too busy that you forget that you have a man who needs and desires your company? Do you belong to the category of women who once they start having children elevate their children above their husbands? They think the children deserve their attention more than their husbands? Is your husband your best friend or just someone you are sharing your space with? For some couples, intimacy and friendly discussion ends once they sign the dotted lines. How many times have you gone out of your way to ask him about his work, worries and fears or ask him how he feels about his job? What about your appearance? Do you still have a lot of the lady he married? Has your behaviour changed so dramatically that he can hardly recognise the woman he married in the woman that now graces his home? Most of the time women make the mistake of ignoring their husbands to the point of losing them in the process of daily living. We often think we need more attention than men when in the real sense, men need attention, though try to pretend they are stronger emotionally. Some of the time, their quietness or distance is a signal that they are going through severe emotional stress. This is the time a woman who is wise, steps in to be his mother and best friend. This is the reason God made us man and woman; a pair to comfort each other. In His wisdom, God has given the woman the extra shock absorbers to absorb all that life throws at us with ease. A woman’s quick ability to cry, relieves her of the emotional burden men carry around. This is why most women outlive their husbands. If you are serious about diverting his interests back to the home, you must step into the role of his mother and best friend. By now, you should have mastered the act of drawing him out of himself to talk about those things bothering him. Without him saying anything, you should have become a kind of authority in reading his moods and mind. Such knowledge helps when things become this bad in a relationship. It would have provided you with clues immediately it began to happen. I am sure, his moods didn’t begin at the point he stopped sharing your bed; it must have started much earlier but because you didn’t bother, the early signs escaped you. How do you now win him back? Simple, go back to the early days. What did he like about you? How did he want you to look for him? Between then and now, what has changed in your behaviour towards him? This is the time to search for the old you in the cupboard of time where you left her. Bring her up, dust her and allow her to help you win back your man. If he is having an affair, you need your old you now more than before to remind him of what is important; the reason he married you in the first place. Add your knowledge of him to your past to win him back. Borrow from your present; the food he likes best; how he likes to make love, go out of your way to read up books on exciting ways of making a man happy in the bedroom as well as lots of prayers. Send him wonderful and very romantic mails and text messages. If he is the kind that cannot do without a laptop; send him wonderful pictures of you in sexy nightgowns and the kinds of clothes he likes you in. Get the children to send their messages on how much they miss the presence of their father. At odd times, send him romantic text messages; woo him with everything you have. Send him gifts to remind him that he occupies a very special place in your heart. The nights he is at home; make it romantic and sexy. If you avoid him, you will create a big gulf in the already cracked walls of your marriage which at the end of the day will be very difficult to patch up. One thing is to say you are sorry but another thing is for you to act it. Let him, through your actions, see that whatever his reasons are for dating another woman, you are trying to make everything right and willing to do more if he gives you the chance to be close to him once again. No matter how far gone he is, by the time you back your efforts up with prayers, God will bring him back home. Good luck.

Multiple dating is her hallmark…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, For all your support to troubled souls, I want to appreciate you. I am in love with this girl who unfortunately has been cheating on me. Though she initially denied having anything to do with any other man, she later agreed that she has been sleeping around. We have been dating for a year and six months. Between that time and now, she has slept with three separate guys that I know. She has promised to stop cheating on me, Agatha, but to my greatest surprise, she confessed after so much pressure from me that she has been sleeping with one tailor close to their house since March this year. I am in a 500 level medical student while she is in an ND 1 student of a polytechnic. I even promised to marry her, but I am confused. My question now is whether it is right for me to marry a lady I can’t trust? To be fair to her, she told me from the beginning that she has trouble dating one man; that she dates about five men simultaneously. But she assured me she would be faithful to me when I entertained fears about her doing the same thing to me. But right now, Agatha, my heart has been totally shattered. What do I do? I am seriously worried so much so it is affecting my academics. I will appreciate your response. Worried Boy. Dear Worried Boy, In life there are three kinds of people we meet. Some come to help us grow, others are simply spectators in our lives; they don’t leave much impact while others come to destroy us. Depending on how much value we place on our dreams and the reasons for the relationship, those in the third category are most of the time meant to be flushed out the moment they manifest their true colours. Clearly, from your account, this lady isn’t prepared to be in any serious relationship at all. Besides, she has a history that needs time and energy to decipher. Why would any woman concurrently date five men? Something must be wrong somewhere in her life. You need maturity and an understanding beyond what you currently have to handle her. The fact that you are bothered and allowing her behaviour get under your skin showcases you as one man who don’t have what it takes, at least for now to resolve her kind of problem. Frankly, it is either you learn not to take yourself too serious with this lady thereby giving yourself some emotional respite from all the hurts her behaviour is inflicting on you or be man enough to walk away from it all. There is no changing her unless it comes from her heart. To continue to dwell on the behaviour of this lady is to put on yourself unnecessary emotional burden, not good for your educational pursuit. In your fifth year at medical school you need all the concentration to scale through. Sex for her is like a hobby. Unless you know why she doesn’t feel any remorse having sex with more than five men at the same period of time, you cannot help or change her. If you really love her and want to help, first make up your mind not to be affected by her conduct at all. This way you will have the right presence of mind to tackle her. Once you make it your business, ask her what happened in her younger years. This is where the key to her change will come from. You have to drill through the layers of both remembered and almost forgotten memories to help her come to terms with the danger associated with her kind of lifestyle. Sincerely, she needs you more as a friend than a lover to help her come to full appreciation of her value as a woman. If you insist on being her lover, you may never have the emotional equilibrium to stay around her sufficiently to help her change for the better. You may have been planted into her life by God to change her positively. She needs constant talking, help and prayers. Chances are that she doesn’t even know that she has a problem. Some come from physical reasons like abuse when young or through spiritual means. Once you are able to establish the source of her own problems, it would be easier for you to know what kind of help to offer. Whatever you do be a good friend. Don’t allow her to sense your anger and despair too much. This may be counter-productive for the kind of help you want to offer her. Chances are that no man has ever cared enough about her to want to offer her the kind of assistance you are prepared to. For the simple fact that it is unusual, she may react negatively at first, but if you are persistent, she will eventually come to her senses enough to be responsible. The fact too that she told you from the beginning about her person shows that she isn’t pretentious, a positive sign of a mind that is conscious of her problem. She may not know it; her admission may be a silent cry for help. But ensure whatever you do, you are not affected by her attitude. What you should do now is to call her for that personal discussion. It has nothing to do with her being unfaithful to you or not, but more to do with her reason for the kind of life she is living. Good luck.

His mum wants me out of his house

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a serious problem and very confused. The mother of my boyfriend is my source of concern. I knew his mother from the beginning and then she did approve of me. She also cared and gave me money to start business. Along the line, we travelled together. There we had a little problem and from that point her love for me turned to hatred. Now she is insisting I leave her son alone, but it is impossible because I am already engaged to her son, who is insisting he will marry me irrespective of what his mother thinks. I want you to help me as an elderly person. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, I don’t know what happened between you and your fiancé’s mother; the fact that she initially welcomed and cared for you is enough reasons for you to try to make amends. No matter what she might have done to you, as the mother of your husband to be, you owe her absolute respect. Go and beg her even if she is the one that offended you. Saying you had a misunderstanding with her is an indication that you are a little bit off the track. If she were your mother, would you announce a disagreement between you and your mother to the world? Irrespective of what happened, go and beg her for forgiveness. Ensure you make peace with her if you hope to enjoy the love and support of your husband. Don’t allow his obvious disobedience to his mother wish against him marrying you blinds you to the need to beg her. This is because a time would come when mother and son will make peace; you will end up being a victim of yourself should you wait until that happens. Plead with your boyfriend to go and appeal to his mother on your behalf rather than encourage him to disobey his mother. It would have been a different thing if from the very beginning she didn’t take to you, but that she liked and provided for you at the beginning makes your care peculiar. Remember that you will also be a mother someday. How would you feel if your child goes against your wishes? See her opposition now as a blessing in disguise; it will help you learn more about the temper, thoughts and values of the family you are getting married into. There is no way your husband will not have some of the traits that brought about this disagreement. A lot of how you will progress with your husband along life’s journey will come from this experience. Challenges will always come, but how we handle them is what makes the most difference in life. Now you know what to avoid when dealing with her. For whatever it is worth, you are the younger one, so go and beg her. In our culture, adults never go wrong. It is always the burden of the younger one to beg for forgiveness when a disagreement occurs between an elderly person and a younger person. Good luck.

Virgin at 29, thinking of deflowering myself…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am greatly worried about my situation. I am a lady of 29 years of age, still single and a virgin. I am however baffled, because men like me but not strong enough to ask for my hand in marriage. All I get from them is admiration and appreciation for the kind of person I am. Because of this problem I have gone to many men of God to seek marriage prayers, but all to no avail. Also I have attended many crusades, engaged in fasting and prayers, but it appears as if God isn’t hearing my prayers. Please, Agatha, I am tired of being a virgin. Frankly speaking, I have concluded on plans to deflower myself, since no man needs me. Amidst all these the bell of the word of God is still ringing in my ear to keep his words. Please help me. I deeply confused. Confused Lady. Dear Confused Lady, If God has told you to wait, what is your hurry? He is the only one who sees the end from the beginning, has the original manual of our lives. He remains the only one who cannot deceive you. It is therefore in your own interest to wait for Him to lead you aright. However for every phase of our lives, every experience, there are embedded lessons He wants us to learn before going to the next class. This is what you are failing to do. You have allowed yourself to bother too much about sex and breaking your virginity to have time to concentrate on the important things of your present situation. Without you first discovering who you are, how can you make any man happy? If complains about your virginity and desperation are all a man who wants to get close to you receive from you, there is no way he would stay. Men, like women, want to be appreciated. No serious minded man wants to be seen only as a sex object, only useful for the purpose of deflowering you. Even if a man comes with the intentions of being serious with you, your kind of attitude as well as line of thoughts can make the man change his mind. Ordinarily, men should be falling over themselves asking for your hand in marriage because ladies like you are rare. But if none of them is, contented with simply admiring you, then you need to change your prayer point to asking God what kind of plans He has for you. It isn’t just a matter of praying and fasting. It is you seeking the face of God on how He wants you to spend the rest of your life and with whom. Threatening to deflower yourself isn’t a solution. What will you achieve by doing that? Will it make the men come? Will it change the fact that the men appear timid in asking for your hand in marriage? You will only end up hurting yourself in the process. It is only when you have reconciled with God, gotten a clear directive from Him that you will know where to direct your energy and prayers. Furthermore, when men perceive a woman to be too desperate for their time and attention, they have this tendency to run. They would wonder why the desperation. Don’t make it look as if your virginity is a curse, and your age a burden. At your time and season, you will be happy as long as you develop the wisdom and patience to ask God about the big ‘Why’ in your life. This is something between you and God, not you and any pastor. Surround yourself with positive thoughts, one wrapped in the understanding and appreciation of God. Don’t worry as long as you are keyed into His plans for you, no matter how rough the road is, you will smile in the end. Good luck.

Re: I need help with sexual intimacy

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, God created the woman for the man so that man will not be alone. Therefore the woman was given to the man for companionship and intimacy. However, it is a pity this aspect is lacking in most marriages. It appears as if the flavour just disappears after the honeymoon. Did you have sex before marriage? If so, confess to the Lord and obtain forgiveness for your foundation to be repaired. A man and his wife wake up each and go their separate ways, to work. They come back in the night to meet on the bed. Sometimes, rather than a fresh smelling husband, the woman comes home to one that is reeking of alcohol, making it almost impossible to stay in the same room with him not to mention intimacy. The result is the woman either vacating the room or turning to her side of the bed to sleep. Gradually the purpose of the two of them coming together in marriage begins to wane. Even on Sundays when they should be at home, they have one town meeting or the other to attend. The wife plans her annual leave for August when she can attend August meeting, while the husband plans his leave for December when he has so many events in the village to attend. So how can the couple blend as one? How can they help their marriage grow or provide their children with the right kinds of example to learn from? Another couple has got very lucrative jobs, which unfortunately give them little or no time to be together. They both eat at their work except on Sundays when they eat in the house. Years of living like that and they discover that their marriage has become very cold without feelings for each other. They then decided to sit down to discuss the way out. The wife admitted that stress is responsible for her naggings and suspicions of her husband. Both admitted to having no sexual fulfillment between them, but having “sexual pressures” at work from colleagues. Finally they agreed on a way out; one has to resign from the high paying job for a less paying job to give more time and flexibility. The wife makes the sacrifice of quitting her own job. From that point things changed. Meals are ready before her man comes back from the office by 7pm, just as the bath is running for both of them to clean up together. To add spice to the marriage, she sometimes drives to bring the husband back from work. They began to take their bath together, eat together and sleep together. The bedroom became more appealing as it wore a new and neat look at all times. They plan their annual leaves to fall in the same month – usually in July and both visit places of interest and spend time in prayers and study of the scriptures together. The spark was back! Both marriages were working; they had children but then there is a difference! The first one has got no love and sacrifice. At best they are having sexual intercourse, sometimes even what looked like rape because the wife, when the man comes home smelling of alcohol refuse to sleep with the man or in the bedroom altogether. They soon got tired of each other and tired of the whole arrangement they call marriage. A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hand the foolish one tears hers apart. However, the second marriage portrayed above has got the flavour of sacrifice and love. They were able to overcome their differences because they put their marriage and companionship above every other thing. They both wanted and worked for the marriage to thrive and for intimacy to grow. It takes two to tango. Therefore, companionship is what both parties in a marriage must want desperately for it to work. When one person craves for it and the other person cannot be bothered, it becomes a kind of problem for the one who wants it. The efforts of pulling the other person along might completely discourage that person from going further.

Her young lover is an embarrassment to the family

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I really need your advice on ways to handle this issue in my family. I am the first son of my late father who died 2009, I have been away from home since 2007. I went to Nigeria for the burial and came back to my base to continue with my education. Thank God I am through and planning on coming back to Nigeria soon to spend time with my family. My mother had me for my father while still in high school. He was already married then and being too young, there was no marriage plans between the two of them. I grew up with my maternal grandmother. When I got to high school, I had to look for my father. To be fair to my stepmother she received and accorded me the respect as the first son. Even her children all gave me my place, including my elder sister, her first daughter. I love my stepmother as my mother. She destroyed all the negative myths I heard about stepmothers being wicked. Her open acceptance of me made nonsense of all I have been told that she won’t accept me being a boy, especially as she also has a son. Throughout my stay with her, never did she for once see me as a threat to her son. When my father died, she cried bitterly. Deep in me, I decided I will be her joy and take care of her. The issue now is. She is seeing a younger guy in my community and doing it openly. My siblings especially my younger brother, have been really aggressive trying to put a stop to the relationship; almost fighting the young man. My elder sister’s husband and some family members have tried to talk to her about her bringing shame to the family as well as her decision to be bringing the boy to my father’s house. She fights and categorizes anybody who kicks against the affair as an enemy. This has prompted everyone to hands off the matter. The have put the burden of me talking to her since everyone knows that she sees me as her first son and her favorite. We are very close; she listens to me. To be fair, she can get involved with whosoever but bringing her lover to the family house isn’t right. Besides, my siblings are against the whole affair because the guy is too young for her. Since I have never met him, I cannot give an opinion on that. We have never had any misunderstanding before but, I am afraid this might cause trouble between us. Already my uncles have slashed her monthly allowance yet, she continues seeing the guy. This in my opinion means the relationship is more serious than many realize. Right now, they have all decided they will wait for me to take action. If her own children, her siblings and uncles cannot stop her; how can I persuade her? She is in her 50s and from what I gathered from my siblings, she practically takes care of this young guy. I guess that informed the decision to slash her monthly allowances. Agatha, please I need your advice on how to tackle this. Stepson. Dear Stepson, Force has never been known to work with anyone in love. Rather, the more you all condemn her choice of a man, the more determined to keep the relationship going she would be. For a woman her age, it isn’t just a matter of desiring the relationship anymore but that of personal pride and anger at the attitude of everybody towards her person and choice. Because of this, even when she realizes that she may have made one or two mistakes, she will soldier on to deny you all the pleasure of telling her that you all told her so. If it is almost impossible to make a younger person change his or her mind about a decision to date a particular person, what makes any of you think you can change the mind of an adult who has long past the age of consent; has been married and enjoyed unrestricted sex life? How would you react to being told that the person you are dating now isn’t good enough for you? For that matter, how would your younger brother feel if your mother decides to fight the lady he is intending to marry? Emotions are funny. When they come calling, reasons take the back set. Sex, love and romance are ageless. When they happen, the feelings are universal. Even in the animal kingdom, the bonds of love defy reasoning and understanding. This young man is the person she considers good enough for her. None of you must forget that. Whether you like him or not; her choice should be respected. She is her own person and considers all the noise about her choice of a man by the family as not only embarrassing but humiliating to her integrity. Her determination to go ahead with her decision is enforced by a deep rooted anger at the death of her husband whose mortal absence exposed her to the situations going on around her. She is fighting back out of bitterness, anger and frustration. She cannot fight death that robbed her of a life partner, exposed her vulnerability as a woman. At 50 plus, she is at that delicate age when most women need the presence and companionship of their men. Our true nature cannot be denied. She is fighting you all because you have all refused to listen to her, taken into considerations her own feelings. The fact that she is widowed doesn’t mean her life must come to an end, terminate with her late husband. None of you knows how she really feels. This is the difference you must make when talking to her. Invite her out for a frank son/mother talk. Use your knowledge of her, her best food, perfume, colours to lure her out of the walls of defense she has naturally built around herself. Use the pet name she calls you or the memories you have both shared to get her to trust you enough to tell you her side of the story. Don’t even show any trace of antagonism for her choice of a lover; rather begin by asking if she is happy as a woman. Let her know you are really concerned for her happiness and that you aren’t against the man she finds it with. This will naturally make her relax because even though she is fighting everybody, deep inside her, she needs a friend within the family. As her favorite, you stand the chance of making her look at the matter more comprehensively. What others cannot achieve by fighting her and her lover, you can achieve by being sensitive to her moods. Hear her out. As gently as possible, put across the reasons for the feelings of others. Let her understand too that those fighting her love her and want the best for her. Present their real fears about her relationship with the boy. Offer to meet the boy. You cannot fight someone or make judgments about a person you don’t know. Get to meet him first. Engage him in a discussion that will enable you journey into his mind; know what he thinks as well as his reason for wanting to stay in a relationship with a woman her age. Meeting you will definitely knock some senses into his head; know that he is being watched and that his intentions are not hidden from the family. Your presence will intimidate him enough to make him reconsider certain things about the relationship. After meeting him, meet with other members of the family to explain their need to be more understanding as well as a change in their attitude towards your mother. Then demand for a compromise, a decision others too must respect if peace is to return to the family. Let your mother know that, for reasons of decency and propriety, she should get a place for her lover. That, bringing him to the family house isn’t right and in a way insults the memory of her late husband. Inform her about what some people are saying about her decision to bring her lover into her matrimonial home. To ensure your argument hits the bull eye, tell her that there are insinuations by some mischievous people that she lacks respect for the name and memory of her late husband. Assure her that you won’t allow anybody bother her if he is kept away from the family house. Tell your uncle as a way of ending the crisis to restore her allowances. It is her money, so she has the right to use it anyway she wants. Maturity and wisdom will go a long way in restoring peace to your family. Good luck.

Many suitors, but none religiously compatible

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha God bless you, I appreciate the way you solve people’s problem; may God continue to bless you. I want you to help me with this problem. There are currently many suitors seeking my hand in marriage but none of them is a believer. There is this one who appears serious and whom I like too. He claims to be born-again but he is an Anglican. Much as I like him, he is an unbeliever. I want to marry a Pentecostal. Although I am not in a hurry to marry because I am still young, but what do you think I should do since I don’t want to keep rejecting suitors. I am tired. This man in question does not know anything about the Holy Ghost and he can’t even speak in tongue. What should I do? Blessing. Dear Blessing, Yours is a classic case of the many absurdities which are today confronting the body of Christ; the many misconceptions that have turned the house of Christ to a theatre of massive confusions and many strange doctrines. It is unfortunate the way we have allowed religion and faith to be taken over by confusion and how much this confusion is denying a lot of people the chance to be really happy with their God-given destinies. Painfully, this massive confusion is altering the relationship many should have with God and placing undue emphasis on things that are not biblical and completely absurd. What makes the God of Pentecostal churches different from the God of Anglicans? What makes the Holy Spirit in their Bible different from the Holy Spirit of Pentecostal Churches? Is the God in their Bible different from the God in the Bible of Pentecostal churches? Is the story of Jesus Christ in their Bible different from what you know? And who says speaking in tongues is the only manifestation of the Holy Spirit? What happens to all the other gifts God gave to mankind? What about the gift of love, wisdom, humility, meekness and understanding of the scriptures one of the divine assignments of the Holy Spirit? What about the warnings of Christ that a house divided against itself cannot stand? Who is clean to prescribe judgment on anybody? Can you claim perfection in the sight of God on the premise of being a member of a Pentecostal Church? Is being a member of a Pentecostal Church enough credential for making heaven? To get it right and for you to be happy in life, you must first of all divorce yourself from the anarchy in the body of Christ occasioned by different denominations. What is important is how we are before God. We cannot do the work of God the father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for them. Being all Christians, disciples of Jesus Christ, we need love and perfect understanding and tolerance to exalt His name. Even if you think he is the worst sinner, what did Jesus prescribe? Tolerance and love. If you think he is in the dark and you are in the light, as a Christian, shouldn’t you first give him the opportunity to share in your light? Have you paused to wonder why it is only men you consider unbelievers that are coming your way? If you have a good knowledge of the Holy Spirit, you should know that God is trying to pass a message across to you, to offer them your light, to show them the grace and mercy of your faith and lead them out of their unbelief. As a messenger of the Holy Spirit, selfishness and condemnations are forbidden. Ideally, you shouldn’t put your own sentiments and needs above the salvations of these unbelievers. What is expected of a true child of God is to offer Jesus first to such people. Having said that, it is important you first go to God to give you a clear vision of what He expects of you and how you should go in life to avoid frustrating regrets. There is no way you can ever hope to be happy if you stand as the accuser, jury and the judge in your own matter. This attitude will never help you get a correct answer to this problem. Granted, you need someone who understands your passion for Christ, who is knowledgeable about your doctrine but it should not be the only parameter for accepting to marry anybody. The marriage institution is too complex to be premised on mono-attribute. Today, many confess to Christianity without understanding the issues involved in it. Christianity has become a fad rather than a conviction. Majority of us are still Bible-carrying and not Bible-practising Christians, which makes it imperative for you to open up your agenda to be able to comprehend as well as focus on all the issues involved in choosing a life-partner. The appraisal must begin from your end. You must have a very broad comprehension of what love and marriage are to recognise the qualities that would make you happy in life. Without you equipping yourself with the knowledge of love and marriage, you risk placing too much premium on inconsequential attributes which at the end of the day would only make you resentful and disappointed in the entire concept of love and marriage. Marriage based on warped reasoning and information more often than not ends in terrible situations. That you are considering other aspects of a man doesn’t make you carnal or lacking in the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. As a matter of fact, marriage without the presence, wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit will never work hence you must completely submit yourself, dreams and desires to the Holy Spirit to record success. Give yourself the chance to know these men before crucifying them along the lines of your very narrow perspective. One of these men may have the magic key to your happiness but if you fail to wisdom, you might end up full of regrets and pains later in life. There is no chance now, and adequate preparations must be made towards marriage, being the most important institutions in life. Whether you begin now or not, you will eventually confront all the issues you are now facing. Give yourself a good start by thinking about it and taking all the steps to be happy tomorrow. Pray for the help and direction from God as well as an open heart to hear and receive from Him. Good luck.