Dear Agatha,
I have a got a girl whom I started dating in 2003 when she was 13 and I 16 years old.
She is currently 18 while I am now 21.
She now feels more matured and as well under pressure from peers. These days she lacks respect for me and has stopped paying me attention.
I don’t know what to do.
Greg.
Dear Greg,
That is the life of the woman. A woman because of her biological make-up ages faster than the man. She is in her peacock years, the period of arrogance and unlimited choices. This is expected because she is like fresh dew, cool, radiant and full of promises. Like a newly hatched butterfly, her glory is there for all to see. This is the age when a woman thinks she has the entire world at her feet. With so much power to bring any man down to his knees, she is bound to be vain and disrespectful no matter her upbringing. So your girlfriend isn’t doing anything new that millions of women before her haven’t done and which those coming behind her wouldn’t do. It is part of a young woman’s passage into womanhood. These are the cherished memories every woman locks securely in her bosom and shares with her daughters when the need calls for it.
At 18, she is almost ready to marry while at 21 you still have very far to go. In most cases, it has nothing to do with peer pressure but the reality of the situation Mother Nature has designed for the woman. While a man’s life isn’t governed by calendars and can have children till the very end of his life, a woman isn’t that lucky. Her life is framed into the confines of a calendar.
From the moment she starts to menstruate, the onset of her reproductive years, she begins a race against time. All her choices must be made within the limited period Mother Nature has given her else she is left with nothing to be remembered for. Once menopause sets in, she loses all hopes of being a mother, of performing her biological role as a woman.
This is why most women once they begin to approach the peak of their years as a woman, they begin to think deeply and look at relationships more critically than they did before.
At 13, when she started, her motive then was to have fun, follow the music of her heart and the fantasy of a dream. Then love had all the beautiful colours, devoid of responsibilities and reality.
At your ages then, it was a wild field, akin to a huge disco hall. The excitement of the music keeps dancers on the dance floor long after the music ceases. Then your dreams were satisfied simply by being together.
With age comes an awareness of responsibility, the acute awareness that there is more to life than rose-coloured petals. That a woman’s sense of anxiety is heightened by the fact that her lifespan is governed by her reproductive years. At 18, she has started a countdown of her reproductive years, while at 21 you haven’t started. The society expects you to first get through with your education, get a good job and stabilise in it before contemplating a serious relationship. On the other hand, the society expects her to begin her own preparation for marriage at this age. She is expected to be on the subtle look out for a man who will marry her once she gets into her 20s, not one who still has a far way to go like you. If you understand this biological fact, you will understand her better.
However, there are always exceptions to the general rule. Some couples, who started so early in life, despite the mounting challenges imposed by nature and society were still able to weather the storm together and end up achieving their life’s desires to be together. You and your girlfriend may belong to this group.
But for this to work, there is the need for both of you to come together and discuss your new challenges.
You both need to drag the relationship away from the cupboard of its neo-natal platform to something more matured. At 13 and 16, you were both babies, innocent and blank of the demands as well as expectations of a relationship. At those ages, you were both reacting to your hormonal drive, nothing more.
But now you are older, can think and take decisions as well as control those monstrous hormones. You now want something different from what you both wanted then. You are now beginning to appreciate there is more to a relationship than chemical reactions. You now know the differences from everything happening around you that there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality.
Clearly, your woman wants something different. Promises and evidences that she is going to be happy with you and that you have wanted to keep her that way. Fantasy has given way to crude reality which means she is beginning to see you in a new light.
For the first time, she is appraising you with the eyes of a woman and not a girl. Her heart is demanding she looks past the boy to the man in you. As a boy, you were fun to be with, but as a man, who are you? At 18, this is also the age of vanity for the woman. Do you fit in her fantasy, the kind of man she can advertise to her friends, who has not just the right features but also the money to throw around?
Sincerely, it would take a lot of efforts and re-positioning of the relationship to get her to listen to you.
But before you do that, do some self-appraisal of your feelings, status and ambitions as a man and not as a boy. Where do you intend to go from here? What are your vivid plans for the future? By now, you should have an inkling of what you want to do and those things that are very achievable to you.
So who is the man behind the boy? Once you have clear answers to give, go to her and discuss your new plans. She knows the boy in you; give her the chance to see the man in you too, the strength of character as well as the seriousness with which you intend to manage the affairs of your life and home.
Her maturity demands you tell her all about your visions and dreams. Part of the problem is she still views you with the eyes of a 13 year old, and she needs to see you through the eyes of a woman, young and beautiful for that matter.
These are the issues that would make the difference to her and help her get out of the confusion the pressures her friends and mind is putting on her.
No matter how objectionable and tiresome she has become overtime, friendship demands you try to put things right between you because no matter what, you both share a special history together of being the first love of each other’s live. It is always profitable to remain friends rather than enemies.
Good luck.
Dear Vikk,
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