Dear Agatha,
How does one forgive and forget the image of your husband making love to his mistress on his office table?
It happened 18 months ago when I walked into my husband’s office unannounced. I didn’t go to his office intentionally but my car developed a mechanical problem when I was coming back home from the shop. It was getting very late; workers were homebound so the bus stops were filled with commuters waiting for buses.
Since his office wasn’t too far and I, not up to waiting endlessly at the bus stops for either a bus or taxi, I decided to go to his office so we could go home together.
The house-help and my mother were at home so I didn’t have to worry about the children.
Looking back now, I regret not taking the bus option because it could have saved me the emotional stress these past months.
When I didn’t see the secretary, I thought she had closed so I walked into my husband’s office expecting to see his happy surprised face.
Till date, I am still to come to terms with the scene I met.
In fairness to him, he has done everything to appease me; including reporting the matter to our pastor. Everybody has pleaded with me to forgive him but I simply cannot bring myself to. Since that unfortunate night, I have refused to sleep with him or share our bedroom. I have moved my things into the children’s room.
Now the issue is, he might have resumed dating other women because unlike when we first started having problems, when he came home early and stayed with us throughout the weekend, in the last couple of weeks, he has taken to coming home late.
I also noticed he has not been eating at home too.
My mother who has also noticed the dramatic change in him is blaming me for pushing him too far. She has never supported my treatment of him; insisting it is the way of men.
He is 40 while I am 35.
I really don’t know what to do or forget that scene. The scene has become more vivid as I wait in my room each night to hear the sound of his footsteps when he comes home.
I still love him despite everything but I am still very hurt.
Ebunoluwa.
Dear Ebunoluwa,
If you love this man, your home and children, you would have since forgiven him for his betrayal of your love.
There is no questioning the fact that he hurt you beyond measure; betrayed the trust of your love and marriage but to deny him sex for 18 months is taking his punishment too far.
In a heart that has love, forgiveness comes very easily. You are unable to delete the image from your mind because you have refused to allow yourself feel love for him. You have put on hold all those things that bring you happiness and forgotten how it all started.
Even in the world of fairy tales, there is always a period of pain, disappointment, sacrifice as well as forgiveness. In life, there is always a period when one person must do all the planting while the other seem to be doing all the harvesting.
That you found him in the arms of another woman doesn’t make him less of your husband or the love he feels for you inferior. Men have the habit of acting first when it comes to the issue of sex and women before thinking. This is because they get stimulated by the things they see while most women get moved by touch.
Yes, it is no excuse for what he has done but so also is the extent you have gone. Leaving him wild in the cold for that long has turned the table against you.
And if you are not careful, you would be held responsible for driving him out of your home. Honestly, there is no way you can defend keeping him out of your bed for this long. He may have done what many women consider unpardonable but only the insane would applaud what you are doing.
There is no way you can remain under his roof and deny him access to your body. It is either you quit his home if you cannot bring yourself to accepting him back or bury the incident and take him back fully into your life. There are no half measures to marital problems. Once a couple decides not to end the marriage, all efforts must be applied to make it work, move it beyond the point of crisis to the point of breakthrough.
The danger of this moment in your marriage is the risk of losing him to another woman completely. Do yourself a favour by moving back into your room. The pains of fighting the other woman for supremacy of his heart would be too much for you to handle because once he finds the peace and satisfaction he isn’t getting from you, he would find it difficult to let go due to fear of the possibility of you not completely forgiving him.
You are his wife so do everything possible to bring him back home. There is no marriage without problems and if you must know, you don’t have the patent on the situation you are going through. It is one of the oldest problems women all over the world daily contend with. It is a problem that cuts across, race, religion, status and tribe. Not even wives of servants of God are insured from this agony.
It contributes to over 99 per cent of all marital problems. As a result many women have learnt to endure it, not because it is right but for the simple reason of not conceding your home to another woman.
Think, whose interest would it be if you refuse to forgive him? Yours or his? Painful as this may sound, he is the one having all the fun at your expense. Sex is not a weapon a woman can use effectively. It’s usefulness as a weapon of punishment is rendered ineffective because the man can always go outside to catch his fun. The punishment only exists for the woman since she dare not go outside her home for it.
Tell me the truth, have you enjoyed not being able to express your feelings, feel the comfort of his hands and body? Have you also not suffered the deprivation of not having him close to you especially on cold nights? If you are honest, you have also suffered greatly because your marriage has neither hit the rocks nor are you a widow.
You have feelings too; feelings that need him just as much as he needs you.
You must act fast because he has gone beyond the stage of caution or respect for your feelings. If you push him any further, he might call your bluff completely and bring the other woman in. Then it would be too late to fight because he has given you all the time in the world to forgive him. Some men wouldn’t even bother to wait that long before jumping back on the train of infidelity.
The day you move back, send him a text message inviting him to come home early. Give him a good dinner and follow up with a re-union he would never forget. After 18 months, he deserves the very best of you.
It is only after you have him back, you can now tell him all about your pain and disappointment at his attitude.
When a man strays, you don’t beat him back into line through force. You can only conquer the situation through unconditional love and forgiveness.
Demand for God’s wisdom to succeed in your marriage.
Good luck.
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