With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are a shinning star and symbol of love and hope to many especially those of us that read your column. May God continue to bless and protect you and your family.
Agatha, I really need your help to solve this problem which has refused to go away. I left the shores of Nigeria 16 years ago for Switzerland, after writing my West Africa School Certificate examination.
I got married to a white woman few years after I came into this country to enable me secure my resident permit.
I was married to her for 13 years. The marriage produced two children. As the children where growing up, I decided taking them to visit my parents in Nigeria. But my wife opposed my taking them or accompanying me on the visit for that matter. She cited a documentary she watched on TV which claimed that children taken from Europe to African die from Mosquito bites.
Even though I assured her that the children were sufficiently vaccinated and that we would take any other vaccination necessary before traveling to Nigeria, she still refused. It was at that point she told me of an uncle of hers that died during a missionary trip to Nigeria.
I promised to protect her and the children against mosquitos but she refused. And before I knew what was happening, she had gone to file a divorce case against me. She claimed in the affidavit she filed that I intend relocating to Nigeria with the children permanently.
At that point, my interest in the marriage completely died. For the 13 years we were married, I was more of a slave to her. She was in total control of my accounts and salary. For a long time, my friends in Zurich tried to pressure me into filing a case against her domination of me but because I hated confrontations, I declined; thinking that over time things would work out between us. But I was completely wrong. Things got worse. The only thing she did for me was the encouragement she gave me during my University studies. But most of my friends thought she paid for me because of the huge money I was sending home.
We got divorced in December, 2006, despite everything, I still missed not having her around me. My father traveled from Nigeria to Zurich to plead with her but she was afraid that I might take the children to Nigeria. But for God I would have developed a mental problem at that time.
Following the support and advice of my parents, I have tried putting that ugly incident behind me. My parents have since mandated me to look for a good Nigerian woman to marry.
Agatha, you would recall I called you on phone last year November requesting you to pray for me. As an expert on relationships, is there any real woman?
I need a woman who will love me again. Loneliness is a sickness that comes with death if not checked. . I need a true love from any part of Nigeria.
Agatha, I don’t know how you are going to do it, but you have to do it. I need someone with good family moral background. She must not be temperamental. She must be caring and understanding. She must also combine beauty with brains and either a career or a business woman.
Agatha, please tell me, am I asking for too much by setting a standard which may not be easy to meet?
Life experiences have taught me to ask for an independent woman for a relationship. I want a self sufficient woman with good job, who can meet provide for 40 percent of her needs while I provide the remaining 60 percent as the head of the house.
Agatha, will God liberate me from the agony of staying alone without a woman? Can I find true love in Nigeria?
I intend coming back to Nigeria to settle after I must have established my relationship with my missing rib. Nothing destroys man more than a bad marriage.
Agatha, I believe that there are a lot of wife materials in Nigeria but where are they?
I need someone who is truly responsible in all ramifications. I want someone I can trust, who is caring, supportive and also independent enough to run the home when I am away. I don’t need a woman just for the pleasure of her body but for us to share in our dreams.
I want a woman who would be ready to share her inner most mind with me. I am a very peaceful and humble man. I don’t want the consequences of marring a lady who has little or no respect for my feelings.
Agatha, do something for me now. I need your help and advice.
I am 38 years of age from Anambra State and I am 1.78m tall.
Worried Man
Dear Worried Man,
To be very frank with you, in a way, you contributed to your predicament by the choices you made 13 years ago. From your own admission, you didn’t marry this woman out of love rather you married her to circumvent immigration problems. In her shoes, would you ever be able to trust such a person with something as precious as children?
Trust starts from the processes that lead to marriage. even if you didn’t tell her in plain English why you married her, her reactions to your taking the children to Nigeria and her treatment of you, show that she knows you married her out of a selfish reason, to protect your stay in her country.
She didn’t believe you because from the very beginning you never gave her any reason to trust or believe in the bond you both share. As far as this woman is concerned, those children are her only reason for putting up with being used by you to secure a permanent stay.
Bringing your father over to beg only helped to re-enforce her mistrust of the whole situation. To her, it shows desperation by you and your family to trick her into submitting the children to you especially as you seem to have the means of paying your parents’ way to Zurich. Your father’s coming actually nullified your claim that the reason you were contemplating taking the children to Nigeria was to get them introduced to your parents.
Your decision to come for a visit to Nigeria with the children wasn’t the real reason she left you. She did because there was never any trust between the two of you. It was simply a marriage of convenience and in such marriages, bitterness and disappointments are mandatory accomplishments. It also a matter that transcend the colour of her skin, creed and nationality rather it has to do with her entire being, her feelings and self-worth as a human.
If you marry another woman today under the same situation, chances are things would still end up the same way between the two of you. trust is very vital in any relationship.
That you are lonely isn’t enough. You must have a clear idea of what sort of woman would make you extremely happy. You went into the first one for selfish reasons, make sure your reasons for this new one is premised on respect, absolute trust and joint vision.
Your first marriage crashed because you both lacked common interest, dreams and visions. And in your 13 years as a couple, you both didn’t have the common focus to work on. Had both of you made the sacrifice after the wedding to factor into your marriage selflessness and sacrifices, when the issue of taking the children to Nigeria to know their paternal, both of you would have been able to manage it without it breaking up your marriage.
To avoid using your children as prawns or dividing their loyalty to either of you, strive to do the right thing by maintaining a friendly relationship with this woman. It is irrelevant whether or not both of you are still functioning as a couple, what is irrevocable is that you both share a life legacy through these children.
It is never too late to establish trust. Granted, it might not be possible for both of you to come back together, but a lot can be done to ensure you both keep being friends for the sake of those children. However, it won’t hurt if you explore the possibility of reconciliation with her. this is because there is no marriage without challenges. Having spent 13 years with her, to a reasonable extent you can predict her. marrying another woman would involve you starting all over again and it would take quite a while to be able to study the woman as you already do your ex.
Marriage is something you have to involve God. Ensure you first ask God for His permission and direction before going into another marriage. It is absolutely important you involve God in this one if you want to end being happy with your choice. Also insist on the woman who finally agrees to marry you meeting with the children first. There has to be an openness between all concerned if you want to have a happy home. Those children and their mother must be given every assurance that this woman and her children would not come between you and your first set of children. You must also be seen to be fair to all concerned.
No matter how lonely life gets, don’t make the mistake of accepting the first woman that comes. When a mistake recurs twice in one’s life, it becomes a familiar pattern. Take the extra time to study the woman by making out time to be with her. Also make up your mind to stick with her, no matter what you find out about her once you have signed the dotted lines. Enduring marriages come with more patches than smooth edges.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I am afraid of our made-by-phone love
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a guy, who is 20 years old. The guy lives in Onitsha. We talk daily on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis, including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do.
Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so that she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.
Confused Teenager.
Dear Confused Teenager,
This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life.
A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item, he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.
Besides, this is the obvious thing: what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him, this could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you, neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So, what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.
And for love to be firmly established; there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate who a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?
What kind of hygiene has he as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know, he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual.
For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly developed the trick of sweet-talking a woman into his bed.
When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened, so be very careful where you go with him.
Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a guy, who is 20 years old. The guy lives in Onitsha. We talk daily on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis, including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do.
Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so that she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.
Confused Teenager.
Dear Confused Teenager,
This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life.
A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item, he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.
Besides, this is the obvious thing: what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him, this could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you, neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So, what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.
And for love to be firmly established; there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate who a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?
What kind of hygiene has he as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know, he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual.
For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly developed the trick of sweet-talking a woman into his bed.
When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened, so be very careful where you go with him.
Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.
Good luck.
My fiancee not comfortable with long-distance relationship
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in the United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria, he introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom. That was a year ago.
When we started, she expressed her reservations about long-distance relationships but I assured her it would work; that what was more important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 years while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her often. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I loved her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in her but said none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal introduction. She told me anytime we were ready but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t convenient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over to the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me. We also agreed to commence marriage rites this month.
When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up the issue of long-distance relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends were warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need for you to go to God first and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you are to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now, both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is a complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of your lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man needs in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future, your everything that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than when the dotted lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know each other. Get to discover the person behind the telephone conversations as well as behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you do not succeed in the marriage eventually, the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in the United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria, he introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom. That was a year ago.
When we started, she expressed her reservations about long-distance relationships but I assured her it would work; that what was more important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 years while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her often. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I loved her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in her but said none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal introduction. She told me anytime we were ready but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t convenient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over to the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me. We also agreed to commence marriage rites this month.
When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up the issue of long-distance relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends were warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need for you to go to God first and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you are to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now, both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is a complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of your lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man needs in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future, your everything that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than when the dotted lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know each other. Get to discover the person behind the telephone conversations as well as behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you do not succeed in the marriage eventually, the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I need second wife to end this generational curse?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an engineer by profession. I have a good job and live comfortably with my wife and son. But I have this recurring problem, which always leave me helpless.
I am an only child, not because my parents couldn’t have more children, but because all siblings died at very tender ages. Incidentally, my father too was the only child.
Because of this situation, my kinsmen are always very protective concerning me. They always take special interest in matters concerning me, because I have nobody to stand by or for me. Even though I managed to survive the odds of my situation, it wasn’t a cup of tea being alone in the whole world. I survived through the grace of God.
My wife and I are also facing this same problem. After six years of marriage, we have only a son. We have been to different medical doctors and went through series of fertility tests, but nothing was found wrong with either my wife or me.
Because of the loneliness of being an only child, I am considering taking a second wife. This is irrespective of the love I have for my wife and my position in the church, which I know I would forfeit if I take on another wife.
I don’t want my son to go through what I went through as a child.
Agatha, I am at a very terrible crossroad. Please at this point, I don’t know what to do, advise me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Your problem is not physical, but spiritual. And I honestly empathise with you because like a great number of us, you are an innocent victim of forces and sequences you know nothing about.
Because what you are contending with is a foundational problem. Even if you marry all the women in the world, unless there is a dislodgement of whatever power holding your paternal lineage hostage, the children would also die like all your siblings. If nothing was found medically wrong with both of you, what makes you so sure you would be able to produce more children from other women?
Besides you would only be adding to your very complex situation by bringing another woman into your life. Ask those who know, polygamy has never been a solution to the problem, in the sense that every person involved in the arrangement would do anything to be in the vintage position.
What happens if the new woman you are bringing in is unable to provide you with more children? Keep marrying until you succeed? Do you know the more incriminating spiritual problems these women may be experiencing in their families? Do you know the diabolical powers that could come into your peaceful world to worsen what you feel is already a complicated situation in your life? Spiritual problems, unlike psychical problems need wisdom and plenty of God’s involvement to obliterate. For your own sake as well as your family’s sake, especially the innocent child involved, don’t depend on your wisdom or understanding of issues alone. Take everything to God first through prayers.
It is not just enough to decide on bringing in another woman. Have you sat down to consider the increased headaches you would be contending with by acquiring more women in your life? Also consider the peace you would be forfeiting by having more than one wife? How rich are you to fairly meet all their demands?
Two issues are at play here. One is the fact that all the surviving children in your family are men. and secondly, that every attempt to increase the number always result in the deaths of subsequent children.
The question you should ask is why is this so? At what point did this begin to happen in your lineage? Did the trend start with your grandfather? Before this trend, what was the situation? How many children did your great grandfather have? Were they all girls? If they were boys, how many of them outside your grandfather survived?
Go back into your family and investigate the reasons for this. Is there a particular family god your ancestors worshipped? That you are today a Christian doesn’t stop you suffering the consequences unless there is a proper deliverance.
Many a time, we ignorantly think simply because we have given our lives to Christ prevent the consequences of our ancestors’ decision from falling on us. Our past remains our heritage. There is no way we can talk about our present and future without the past. The past remains indelible.
If one’s past has a major fault, it follows that one’s presence and future would have some of those deformities from the past.
You are today facing this challenge, because something isn’t right about your past. Deliverance sessions enable ancient closed doors to be opened for the Holy Spirit to restructure the damage. To put the past where it belongs, we must take the step in our present to give the future a new meaning.
If your grandfather isn’t alive, go to your father to tell you some things he remembers about his family. If there is nobody in your family to turn to, your kinsmen must have one or two useful information to give. Jot down whatever information you get, no matter how insignificant it appears. What you consider unimportant may be the key to your problem.
If possible, visit your ancestral home. No matter how far removed your relatives may be from you; you must enlist their support in this battle to be free from the past.
To begin with, go to God in prayers. Remember you wear the shoes; hence you are in the best position to know where it pinches. If you don’t cry out, demand for God’s personal intervention, nobody can do it for you. Your cry would lead you to your source of help.
Call the leadership of the church and ask for spiritual support. If possible, ask them to accompany you on the journey to your ancestral home. There is no doubt you need all the help to overcome this problem and the more spiritually inclined people in your church that stand in gap for you, the better.
While you research the cause of the problem, it is also pertinent to look at the average lifespan in your family especially if your grandfather and father are dead. If however they are still alive, enlist their support through proper education of this unwholesome trend.
The most important thing you need is to have complete faith in God.
However, your son doesn’t have to end up an only child. You can adopt a child to grow with him, to answer your name and to remove whatever restriction has been placed on you. The attack is targeted at your natural ability to have another child outside the one allowed. They cannot stop you from having another child through adoption.
This is a better, more peaceful and rewarding option than the issue of multiple marriages you are contemplating.
Nobody would know the difference between your biological child and adopted child if you treat them equally and fairly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am an engineer by profession. I have a good job and live comfortably with my wife and son. But I have this recurring problem, which always leave me helpless.
I am an only child, not because my parents couldn’t have more children, but because all siblings died at very tender ages. Incidentally, my father too was the only child.
Because of this situation, my kinsmen are always very protective concerning me. They always take special interest in matters concerning me, because I have nobody to stand by or for me. Even though I managed to survive the odds of my situation, it wasn’t a cup of tea being alone in the whole world. I survived through the grace of God.
My wife and I are also facing this same problem. After six years of marriage, we have only a son. We have been to different medical doctors and went through series of fertility tests, but nothing was found wrong with either my wife or me.
Because of the loneliness of being an only child, I am considering taking a second wife. This is irrespective of the love I have for my wife and my position in the church, which I know I would forfeit if I take on another wife.
I don’t want my son to go through what I went through as a child.
Agatha, I am at a very terrible crossroad. Please at this point, I don’t know what to do, advise me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Your problem is not physical, but spiritual. And I honestly empathise with you because like a great number of us, you are an innocent victim of forces and sequences you know nothing about.
Because what you are contending with is a foundational problem. Even if you marry all the women in the world, unless there is a dislodgement of whatever power holding your paternal lineage hostage, the children would also die like all your siblings. If nothing was found medically wrong with both of you, what makes you so sure you would be able to produce more children from other women?
Besides you would only be adding to your very complex situation by bringing another woman into your life. Ask those who know, polygamy has never been a solution to the problem, in the sense that every person involved in the arrangement would do anything to be in the vintage position.
What happens if the new woman you are bringing in is unable to provide you with more children? Keep marrying until you succeed? Do you know the more incriminating spiritual problems these women may be experiencing in their families? Do you know the diabolical powers that could come into your peaceful world to worsen what you feel is already a complicated situation in your life? Spiritual problems, unlike psychical problems need wisdom and plenty of God’s involvement to obliterate. For your own sake as well as your family’s sake, especially the innocent child involved, don’t depend on your wisdom or understanding of issues alone. Take everything to God first through prayers.
It is not just enough to decide on bringing in another woman. Have you sat down to consider the increased headaches you would be contending with by acquiring more women in your life? Also consider the peace you would be forfeiting by having more than one wife? How rich are you to fairly meet all their demands?
Two issues are at play here. One is the fact that all the surviving children in your family are men. and secondly, that every attempt to increase the number always result in the deaths of subsequent children.
The question you should ask is why is this so? At what point did this begin to happen in your lineage? Did the trend start with your grandfather? Before this trend, what was the situation? How many children did your great grandfather have? Were they all girls? If they were boys, how many of them outside your grandfather survived?
Go back into your family and investigate the reasons for this. Is there a particular family god your ancestors worshipped? That you are today a Christian doesn’t stop you suffering the consequences unless there is a proper deliverance.
Many a time, we ignorantly think simply because we have given our lives to Christ prevent the consequences of our ancestors’ decision from falling on us. Our past remains our heritage. There is no way we can talk about our present and future without the past. The past remains indelible.
If one’s past has a major fault, it follows that one’s presence and future would have some of those deformities from the past.
You are today facing this challenge, because something isn’t right about your past. Deliverance sessions enable ancient closed doors to be opened for the Holy Spirit to restructure the damage. To put the past where it belongs, we must take the step in our present to give the future a new meaning.
If your grandfather isn’t alive, go to your father to tell you some things he remembers about his family. If there is nobody in your family to turn to, your kinsmen must have one or two useful information to give. Jot down whatever information you get, no matter how insignificant it appears. What you consider unimportant may be the key to your problem.
If possible, visit your ancestral home. No matter how far removed your relatives may be from you; you must enlist their support in this battle to be free from the past.
To begin with, go to God in prayers. Remember you wear the shoes; hence you are in the best position to know where it pinches. If you don’t cry out, demand for God’s personal intervention, nobody can do it for you. Your cry would lead you to your source of help.
Call the leadership of the church and ask for spiritual support. If possible, ask them to accompany you on the journey to your ancestral home. There is no doubt you need all the help to overcome this problem and the more spiritually inclined people in your church that stand in gap for you, the better.
While you research the cause of the problem, it is also pertinent to look at the average lifespan in your family especially if your grandfather and father are dead. If however they are still alive, enlist their support through proper education of this unwholesome trend.
The most important thing you need is to have complete faith in God.
However, your son doesn’t have to end up an only child. You can adopt a child to grow with him, to answer your name and to remove whatever restriction has been placed on you. The attack is targeted at your natural ability to have another child outside the one allowed. They cannot stop you from having another child through adoption.
This is a better, more peaceful and rewarding option than the issue of multiple marriages you are contemplating.
Nobody would know the difference between your biological child and adopted child if you treat them equally and fairly.
Good luck.
He beats me if I refuse him sex…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with this boy, but he always beat me anytime he wants to have sex with me that I refuse him. I don’t know what to do, please.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What are you still doing in such a relationship? This man doesn’t love you. He is only interested in your body and the more you continue to tolerate his behaviour, the worse he would become.
At the end of the day, you would suffer the problem of self-confidence and emotion. Sex and violence don’t go together. The fact that you are indulging his desires when you are not legally married should make him solicitous to your needs and moods, and not beat you into submitting to his desires.
If a man begins to beat you at this stage, when you are not married to him, when he should be courting your interest, then something is very wrong with the relationship as well as with your own interpretation of what a relationship is.
Even if married, he doesn’t have the right to beat you on those days you are not ready to make love. The worst he can do is to walk away or at best think of romantic ways of making it right for you to receive him.
Here, your self-esteem is important; which is why you must jealously protect your state of mind at all times.
Respect is what drives a relationship to progress and peace. If a man you are dating lacks the respect for you, your body and emotions, then what is the basis of the relationship? How does he expect you to enjoy sex with him after beating you to submission? The message he is passing in this is that you are his sex slave, one that must be beaten into line to perform. And if you continue with him, you will only be enforcing this thinking of his.
If he cares for you, he won’t lay a finger on you at all.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with this boy, but he always beat me anytime he wants to have sex with me that I refuse him. I don’t know what to do, please.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What are you still doing in such a relationship? This man doesn’t love you. He is only interested in your body and the more you continue to tolerate his behaviour, the worse he would become.
At the end of the day, you would suffer the problem of self-confidence and emotion. Sex and violence don’t go together. The fact that you are indulging his desires when you are not legally married should make him solicitous to your needs and moods, and not beat you into submitting to his desires.
If a man begins to beat you at this stage, when you are not married to him, when he should be courting your interest, then something is very wrong with the relationship as well as with your own interpretation of what a relationship is.
Even if married, he doesn’t have the right to beat you on those days you are not ready to make love. The worst he can do is to walk away or at best think of romantic ways of making it right for you to receive him.
Here, your self-esteem is important; which is why you must jealously protect your state of mind at all times.
Respect is what drives a relationship to progress and peace. If a man you are dating lacks the respect for you, your body and emotions, then what is the basis of the relationship? How does he expect you to enjoy sex with him after beating you to submission? The message he is passing in this is that you are his sex slave, one that must be beaten into line to perform. And if you continue with him, you will only be enforcing this thinking of his.
If he cares for you, he won’t lay a finger on you at all.
Good luck.
She’s an undergraduate; I’m still seeking admission
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I like my girlfriend a lot, and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university, while I am still seeking admission. I am always calling and sending her text messages.
But she neither calls nor sends me text messages. The only time she did was when I sent her credit, just to thank me.
When I called to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she told me she was stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I was aware of.
My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention, suggesting I should give her a break for a while to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me.
I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle refraining myself from calling all that while. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her.
I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last, because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.
I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go give her a visit. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon, because it really disturbs me a lot?
Please help me out.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile.
Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.
By the time she graduates and finish her service year, you will only be in your mid year in school.
And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.
Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time?
These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.
Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in cycles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered, hence must be respected to the fullest.
Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more mature and deeper in thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all.
This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her.
Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.
If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life.
A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.
However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you.
Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man; nobody will ever take you serious.
Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications.
Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.
The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to.
Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I like my girlfriend a lot, and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university, while I am still seeking admission. I am always calling and sending her text messages.
But she neither calls nor sends me text messages. The only time she did was when I sent her credit, just to thank me.
When I called to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she told me she was stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I was aware of.
My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention, suggesting I should give her a break for a while to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me.
I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle refraining myself from calling all that while. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her.
I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last, because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.
I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go give her a visit. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon, because it really disturbs me a lot?
Please help me out.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile.
Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.
By the time she graduates and finish her service year, you will only be in your mid year in school.
And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.
Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time?
These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.
Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in cycles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered, hence must be respected to the fullest.
Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more mature and deeper in thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all.
This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her.
Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.
If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life.
A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.
However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you.
Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man; nobody will ever take you serious.
Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications.
Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.
The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to.
Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.
Good luck
I need a girl in my life!
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are a great counsellor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half now. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction.
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me. In times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I believe in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.
Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.
I need to be in a relationship, but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me.
Confused Boy.
Dear Confused Boy,
The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream.
To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive, and frankly it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.
For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.
You also have to accept one basic truth about life – the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.
To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which more often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.
Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can, because overtime, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct?
Just be practical in your search, and above all entrust God with your dreams.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You are a great counsellor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half now. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction.
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me. In times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I believe in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.
Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.
I need to be in a relationship, but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me.
Confused Boy.
Dear Confused Boy,
The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream.
To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive, and frankly it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.
For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.
You also have to accept one basic truth about life – the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.
To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which more often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.
Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can, because overtime, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct?
Just be practical in your search, and above all entrust God with your dreams.
Good luck.
His family wants me a Catholic…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
It is only God that will bless you in all you’ve been doing for many of us through this page.
Agatha, I have this problem, which seems to be bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years, but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am of Assemblies of God Church.
He told me he would allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on February 4, and since then his people have been pressurising me to start attending his church.
I am loved by all of them, but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in my marriage and life. Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Who do you worship in your church, God or man? If God is whom you worship, is He different from the God Catholics worship? Are you not both Christians, members of Jesus Christ family and army? Is that church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one reads it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ?
If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favour?
At any rate, who is the founder of any Church, God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather allow him to go because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all-knowing God, who rules in heaven, made all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both believe in God.
Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband; to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way?
How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families?
Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home?
The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth comes from interaction with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted.
And if you really meant what you said about his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage?
Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing now is like cutting your nose to spite your face.
Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit.
The truth is if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people.
Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same spiritual father won’t insulate a marriage from having problems.
Which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about, issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your marriage. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of lifetime happiness? Put yourself in bondage that God hasn’t put you, all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you?
For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband.
Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practice and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship.
Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems where ordinarily none exists.
From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage, so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a garment of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband.
The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenge difficult.
That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists she won’t attend same church as your son?
These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it.
Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
It is only God that will bless you in all you’ve been doing for many of us through this page.
Agatha, I have this problem, which seems to be bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years, but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am of Assemblies of God Church.
He told me he would allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on February 4, and since then his people have been pressurising me to start attending his church.
I am loved by all of them, but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in my marriage and life. Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Who do you worship in your church, God or man? If God is whom you worship, is He different from the God Catholics worship? Are you not both Christians, members of Jesus Christ family and army? Is that church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one reads it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ?
If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favour?
At any rate, who is the founder of any Church, God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather allow him to go because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all-knowing God, who rules in heaven, made all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both believe in God.
Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband; to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way?
How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families?
Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home?
The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth comes from interaction with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted.
And if you really meant what you said about his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage?
Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing now is like cutting your nose to spite your face.
Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit.
The truth is if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people.
Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same spiritual father won’t insulate a marriage from having problems.
Which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about, issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your marriage. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of lifetime happiness? Put yourself in bondage that God hasn’t put you, all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you?
For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband.
Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practice and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship.
Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems where ordinarily none exists.
From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage, so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a garment of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband.
The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenge difficult.
That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists she won’t attend same church as your son?
These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it.
Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.
Good luck.
He’s 27, I’m 19, any qualm?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a young lady of 19 in a relationship with a man of 27. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do? Is the age difference not good enough for a relationship?
Worried Teenager.
Dear Worried Teenager,
Unless you have graduated your priority now should be your education. There is plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life.
This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship.
The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honesty, the age difference between you isn’t much, but you are bothered about it because at your age the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism, while he at 27 is beginning to experience what reality is, the responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make.
His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun.
Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend at of him. He can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better.
It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I am a young lady of 19 in a relationship with a man of 27. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do? Is the age difference not good enough for a relationship?
Worried Teenager.
Dear Worried Teenager,
Unless you have graduated your priority now should be your education. There is plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life.
This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship.
The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honesty, the age difference between you isn’t much, but you are bothered about it because at your age the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism, while he at 27 is beginning to experience what reality is, the responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make.
His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun.
Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend at of him. He can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better.
It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents.
Good luck
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Met on Facebook, had the wedding, but he’s a cripple
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Two years ago, I met and fell in love with the man whose name I now answer to through the Facebook.
He lives in New York, while I was then in Nigeria. We exchanged pictures and I thought I knew all there was to know about him.
After a year and half of dating on the Facebook, he told his people to proceed with the wedding arrangement. It was mother that came to see my parents first. This visit was followed by another visit by his father. They were very friendly and instantly took to me.
They were equally in a hurry for the wedding to take place. Since he wasn’t in the country, I didn’t get to meet many of his people except when they accompanied his parents. But his sister kept asking me how well I know her brother. Back then I thought her unusual questions were because she didn’t want me to marry her brother.
How naïve I was? I didn’t bother to give it much thought, because at 35, I was almost giving up on hope. He is five years older than I am and has been in New York for more than 15 years.
Even though his father is well to do, he himself is also. You can therefore imagine my joy when he proposed to me and his entire family threw their weight behind his decision.
While we were preparing for the wedding ceremony, he assured me he would come, but changed plans at the last second. He said he was unable to get away from work as some of his partners insisted on coming at that time.
His brother stood in for him and both the traditional and court weddings. During the traditional wedding he was put on speakerphone, and responded to everything that was being done on that day.
Neither my friends nor I could believe my good luck. A month after the court wedding, I travelled to meet him. Until we met physically, he didn’t say anything about his condition. I didn’t know he was crippled.
I recognised him from the photos I have of him, but I didn’t know he was on the wheelchair. The pictures of him on the Facebook must have been taken when he was okay.
I almost ran back, but I bought only one-way ticket. When I asked why he didn’t tell me about his health or physical condition, he said, he knew I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him.
If Amercia weren’t so far away from home, I would have since come back to my people. The worst thing is that his family, who in such a short time build a nice house for my parents and got my brother a contract from the local government is threatening to take all back if I refuse to stay in the marriage.
My parents and siblings are all urging me to stay on. Each time he attempts to touch me, I throw-up. The few times I agreed, though went well, the fact that he has a disability made it difficult for me to flow into the process.
What do I do? There is no way I can endure this marriage for long. I am angry he deceived me, bribed with money, attention, and care. I feel bad his parents are also doing the same thing to my parents. I cannot stay with a man I cannot show off to my friends. I want to know if the marriage we did is legal. I simply cannot marry a cripple, even if he has the ability to procreate.
Help me, Agatha.
Kosi.
Dear Kosi,
Stop hurting this man. You are unwittingly killing him psychologically. If you cannot stand the sight of him, help him as a wife become happy with the situation he has found himself, nobody is forcing you to stay. You are not just being cruel, but also unreasonable.
Granted he lied about his state of physical health, but to say he bribed you with money to fall in love with him is stretching the truth. You thought you had it all, a rich and well-connected husband, who lives in America. Besides, he came at a time you were giving up hope on ever finding a man to call your own. At the time he came, you were becoming desperate and would have done anything to him to marry you.
So the issue of deception is mutual. He deceived you by posting only his top half pictures on the Facebook while you completely fell for him out of desperation and the money he was sending you. At least, be truthful; it is the only way out of this situation. To blame him for the mistakes you made will get you nowhere.
Be truthful. Desperation and the prospect of cash filled life led you to marry a total stranger, someone whose thoughts, temperament, attitude, and disposition you knew nothing of and still don’t know. You were ready to take a gamble and everyone who gambles knows the rule of the game, losing everything at the end of the day.
Besides, marriage itself is a gamble. Even if you spent all your waking moments with this man before marrying him, there is no assurance you will still be completely happy with him.
The fact that you didn’t bother to make further investigations into the character of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with, underscored your determination to damn everything as long as you got what you wanted.
I am sure if either you or your parents went a step further to ask people around, there would have been someone willing to oblige you the information.
Whether he was present or not, your marriage is legal. You are still making the mistake you made from the beginning, limiting yourself to only the surface presentations of what he is. Every one suffers from one disability or the other. The fact that you are not physically challenged doesn’t mean you are without flaw. The attitude you are putting up presents you as one with a great flaw.
No situation is completely devoid of a positive side. Your grass is definitely greener than the ones in the garden of others. Granted both of you went into the marriage with secrets, but there is nothing stopping you from making the best of the situation you found yourselves. The fact that he can perform his husbandly duties means his case isn’t totally hopeless.
I honestly appreciate your anger and disappointment, but striving to find out more about him could make a whole lot of difference. Granted, your marriage may not be passion filled, but you could still achieve happiness with him.
And the only way is to go beyond his disability to his ability. If he has the ability to go all the way as a man, then the situation isn’t as bad as the image of him on the wheelchair. Your love and support may be all he needs to heal fully. That he is the success story he told you he is shows that he is a very complete man, one that can hold his own anywhere in the world. It couldn’t have been easy for him to make it in another man’s land if he wasn’t intelligent at what he does.
You should be curious to know why he didn’t tell you the whole story about his condition. Just like you must have suffered several disappointments to keep you single till you met him through the Facebook at age 35, he also must have suffered so many disappointments in life.
Begin from there. If he had the full use of his legs one time in life, something terrible must have happened to rob him of his legs. He must have detected something in your various conversations that made him decide on you.
Even though you started on a wrong footing, a lot of difference can still be achieved if you make that effort to get him to talk about his story. In talking you will discover so many things about him in addition to the information you want from him. All you have to do is to drop that attitude of disappointments from your agenda because he is also being let down by your reactions to him and the marriage.
If a man can make love to a woman, give her the quality companionship that makes her feel wanted and happy, what more does the woman want in a marriage? If it is just about your friends and attitude towards his situation, then you don’t have a point or know what marriage is all about for that matter.
You can only be sure of what you really want if you make the effort to make it work.
At this point, you really need the help of God and His wisdom to make the difference in your home. Sincerely, the moment you begin to think of him as your friend, his house as your home, your marriage has a chance of survival. Make the sacrifice needed to make this work.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Two years ago, I met and fell in love with the man whose name I now answer to through the Facebook.
He lives in New York, while I was then in Nigeria. We exchanged pictures and I thought I knew all there was to know about him.
After a year and half of dating on the Facebook, he told his people to proceed with the wedding arrangement. It was mother that came to see my parents first. This visit was followed by another visit by his father. They were very friendly and instantly took to me.
They were equally in a hurry for the wedding to take place. Since he wasn’t in the country, I didn’t get to meet many of his people except when they accompanied his parents. But his sister kept asking me how well I know her brother. Back then I thought her unusual questions were because she didn’t want me to marry her brother.
How naïve I was? I didn’t bother to give it much thought, because at 35, I was almost giving up on hope. He is five years older than I am and has been in New York for more than 15 years.
Even though his father is well to do, he himself is also. You can therefore imagine my joy when he proposed to me and his entire family threw their weight behind his decision.
While we were preparing for the wedding ceremony, he assured me he would come, but changed plans at the last second. He said he was unable to get away from work as some of his partners insisted on coming at that time.
His brother stood in for him and both the traditional and court weddings. During the traditional wedding he was put on speakerphone, and responded to everything that was being done on that day.
Neither my friends nor I could believe my good luck. A month after the court wedding, I travelled to meet him. Until we met physically, he didn’t say anything about his condition. I didn’t know he was crippled.
I recognised him from the photos I have of him, but I didn’t know he was on the wheelchair. The pictures of him on the Facebook must have been taken when he was okay.
I almost ran back, but I bought only one-way ticket. When I asked why he didn’t tell me about his health or physical condition, he said, he knew I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him.
If Amercia weren’t so far away from home, I would have since come back to my people. The worst thing is that his family, who in such a short time build a nice house for my parents and got my brother a contract from the local government is threatening to take all back if I refuse to stay in the marriage.
My parents and siblings are all urging me to stay on. Each time he attempts to touch me, I throw-up. The few times I agreed, though went well, the fact that he has a disability made it difficult for me to flow into the process.
What do I do? There is no way I can endure this marriage for long. I am angry he deceived me, bribed with money, attention, and care. I feel bad his parents are also doing the same thing to my parents. I cannot stay with a man I cannot show off to my friends. I want to know if the marriage we did is legal. I simply cannot marry a cripple, even if he has the ability to procreate.
Help me, Agatha.
Kosi.
Dear Kosi,
Stop hurting this man. You are unwittingly killing him psychologically. If you cannot stand the sight of him, help him as a wife become happy with the situation he has found himself, nobody is forcing you to stay. You are not just being cruel, but also unreasonable.
Granted he lied about his state of physical health, but to say he bribed you with money to fall in love with him is stretching the truth. You thought you had it all, a rich and well-connected husband, who lives in America. Besides, he came at a time you were giving up hope on ever finding a man to call your own. At the time he came, you were becoming desperate and would have done anything to him to marry you.
So the issue of deception is mutual. He deceived you by posting only his top half pictures on the Facebook while you completely fell for him out of desperation and the money he was sending you. At least, be truthful; it is the only way out of this situation. To blame him for the mistakes you made will get you nowhere.
Be truthful. Desperation and the prospect of cash filled life led you to marry a total stranger, someone whose thoughts, temperament, attitude, and disposition you knew nothing of and still don’t know. You were ready to take a gamble and everyone who gambles knows the rule of the game, losing everything at the end of the day.
Besides, marriage itself is a gamble. Even if you spent all your waking moments with this man before marrying him, there is no assurance you will still be completely happy with him.
The fact that you didn’t bother to make further investigations into the character of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with, underscored your determination to damn everything as long as you got what you wanted.
I am sure if either you or your parents went a step further to ask people around, there would have been someone willing to oblige you the information.
Whether he was present or not, your marriage is legal. You are still making the mistake you made from the beginning, limiting yourself to only the surface presentations of what he is. Every one suffers from one disability or the other. The fact that you are not physically challenged doesn’t mean you are without flaw. The attitude you are putting up presents you as one with a great flaw.
No situation is completely devoid of a positive side. Your grass is definitely greener than the ones in the garden of others. Granted both of you went into the marriage with secrets, but there is nothing stopping you from making the best of the situation you found yourselves. The fact that he can perform his husbandly duties means his case isn’t totally hopeless.
I honestly appreciate your anger and disappointment, but striving to find out more about him could make a whole lot of difference. Granted, your marriage may not be passion filled, but you could still achieve happiness with him.
And the only way is to go beyond his disability to his ability. If he has the ability to go all the way as a man, then the situation isn’t as bad as the image of him on the wheelchair. Your love and support may be all he needs to heal fully. That he is the success story he told you he is shows that he is a very complete man, one that can hold his own anywhere in the world. It couldn’t have been easy for him to make it in another man’s land if he wasn’t intelligent at what he does.
You should be curious to know why he didn’t tell you the whole story about his condition. Just like you must have suffered several disappointments to keep you single till you met him through the Facebook at age 35, he also must have suffered so many disappointments in life.
Begin from there. If he had the full use of his legs one time in life, something terrible must have happened to rob him of his legs. He must have detected something in your various conversations that made him decide on you.
Even though you started on a wrong footing, a lot of difference can still be achieved if you make that effort to get him to talk about his story. In talking you will discover so many things about him in addition to the information you want from him. All you have to do is to drop that attitude of disappointments from your agenda because he is also being let down by your reactions to him and the marriage.
If a man can make love to a woman, give her the quality companionship that makes her feel wanted and happy, what more does the woman want in a marriage? If it is just about your friends and attitude towards his situation, then you don’t have a point or know what marriage is all about for that matter.
You can only be sure of what you really want if you make the effort to make it work.
At this point, you really need the help of God and His wisdom to make the difference in your home. Sincerely, the moment you begin to think of him as your friend, his house as your home, your marriage has a chance of survival. Make the sacrifice needed to make this work.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Does he love me as he claims?
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me, but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him.
Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more.
My worry is: does he love me as he claims at all?
Do please tell me what to do.
Mary.
Dear Mary,
The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues.
He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make.
The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability.
You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now.
However, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication, it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death.
But beyond that, this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude, and the message this is communicating to you.
By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving this initial problem.
You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work, but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you being tag as desperate. You have shown him you care, love him, but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls may be making him wary of taking it further for fear of you domininating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with.
Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you.
It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me, but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him.
Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more.
My worry is: does he love me as he claims at all?
Do please tell me what to do.
Mary.
Dear Mary,
The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues.
He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make.
The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability.
You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now.
However, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication, it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death.
But beyond that, this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude, and the message this is communicating to you.
By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving this initial problem.
You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work, but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you being tag as desperate. You have shown him you care, love him, but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls may be making him wary of taking it further for fear of you domininating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with.
Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you.
It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are.
Good luck.
Re: I’m ashamed of my husband’s age
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for this beautiful write up. It actually has similarity to my situation.
I met my present girl after my former wife left. We had no children between us. The current lady is 27 years, while I am 49.
My problem with her is that she is most concerned about what she can get from me, while she is searching for a better offer.
We rarely make love, and when we do, she insists I use a condom, whereas from the beginning she knows my desire to have a child. My request to meet with her family members next month hasn’t been granted. As a matter of fact, she refused to make a commitment to my request.
I’m a Federal Civil Servant and live in my own house, though moderate. My problem now is that I need a serious minded woman I can conveniently live and raise a family with.
Depressed Man.
Dear Depressed Man,
Getting another woman isn’t the most important issue for now. There is the need for you to first determine what the challenges are with you, have a focus of the kind of woman you now need in your life as well as the peg of the marriage you want, to avoid you making anohter mistake. You have gone beyond meeting and proposing to a woman; you need to present the woman with much more to make her yield to your proposal.
I concur that at 49, age isn’t something that you have too much on your side, but it also doesn’t mean you should throw caution into the winds by becoming so desperate for any kind of woman.
Doubtless, you have lost considerable time, but there is no way you can move forward if you don’t first accept the reality of your situation.
If at 49 you are still without a child after years of marriage the natural salient question and fear on the mind of any woman you approach for a relationship would be: why you are still childless at your age? Any girl that agrees to date you without asking this question and having a satisfactory answer will end up disappointing you. Just like in the case of your current girlfriend, her decision to date you would premise on how much you are willing to part with.
Uncomfortable as this may sound to you, the truth is that your age and condition has made you a high risk to any young lady desirous of having children. Except you are extremely lucky, no young lady would ideally want to begin her life with you. A young lady that decides to take the risk with you would need more than the assurances of love and more of security considerations to stay with you.
She would need proof that she won’t be sacrificing her womanhood if she marries you. Therefore, to protect you from yourself, you must be very honest with the choices you have.
Without you debasing, your ex-wife and former marriage, honestly tell the new woman you want in your life every necessary detail she ought to know about your former marriage.
Your willingness to talk freely about issues she may be afraid to ask in order not to hurt you will encourage a woman to stay.
It is also important you factor into your plans the age of the lady. It would have been a bit easier if you already have children. But with your situation, you need a woman who is matured and has the right shocks and frame of mind to confront whatever she will meet in her marriage to you. You need a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for who you are first and not the challenge of marrying a childless middle-aged divorcee immediately you contact her for a relationship.
The lady in your life is treating you the way she is doing because she doesn’t have what it takes to make this kind of sacrifice for you. By staying with her more than necessary, you risk damaging whatever confidence you have left in yourself as a man. And to date her kind would further demoralise you as a man.
Therefore, end this relationship because it is leading to nowhere. Stop exposing yourself to avoidable pains from women who are obviously out to take advantage of your situation.
Accept those things in life you cannot change again. As one gets older, illusions give way to reality. You are at that age when you take sole responsibility for your action. There is no more future anywhere. This is that all-important future you have talked about from your childhood. Count your loses and move on. At this age, you don’t have to please anybody. A desperate and inexperienced woman would only make your life more complex. Look for a woman who has seen all there is to see about life, the kind that has the understanding that life isn’t a straight line, that each of the curve is an incident designed to help others grow in knowledge and wisdom.
You need a woman who would first of all see you as her friend, son, brother, and partner. Only this kind of woman will have the patience to help you come to your full realisation as a man.
A good marriage isn’t just about having a child, but also about being happy. Without the person you are sharing your space, body, and mind with, there is no way a woman who isn’t properly in tune with your dreams can make you happy. Marriage is a compromise of all the aspects of life.
Take time out of this relationship first; sort out your needs before settling down with one. Ensure you and the woman share so many things in common. The example of the lady in the above captioned story should serve as a lesson to you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for this beautiful write up. It actually has similarity to my situation.
I met my present girl after my former wife left. We had no children between us. The current lady is 27 years, while I am 49.
My problem with her is that she is most concerned about what she can get from me, while she is searching for a better offer.
We rarely make love, and when we do, she insists I use a condom, whereas from the beginning she knows my desire to have a child. My request to meet with her family members next month hasn’t been granted. As a matter of fact, she refused to make a commitment to my request.
I’m a Federal Civil Servant and live in my own house, though moderate. My problem now is that I need a serious minded woman I can conveniently live and raise a family with.
Depressed Man.
Dear Depressed Man,
Getting another woman isn’t the most important issue for now. There is the need for you to first determine what the challenges are with you, have a focus of the kind of woman you now need in your life as well as the peg of the marriage you want, to avoid you making anohter mistake. You have gone beyond meeting and proposing to a woman; you need to present the woman with much more to make her yield to your proposal.
I concur that at 49, age isn’t something that you have too much on your side, but it also doesn’t mean you should throw caution into the winds by becoming so desperate for any kind of woman.
Doubtless, you have lost considerable time, but there is no way you can move forward if you don’t first accept the reality of your situation.
If at 49 you are still without a child after years of marriage the natural salient question and fear on the mind of any woman you approach for a relationship would be: why you are still childless at your age? Any girl that agrees to date you without asking this question and having a satisfactory answer will end up disappointing you. Just like in the case of your current girlfriend, her decision to date you would premise on how much you are willing to part with.
Uncomfortable as this may sound to you, the truth is that your age and condition has made you a high risk to any young lady desirous of having children. Except you are extremely lucky, no young lady would ideally want to begin her life with you. A young lady that decides to take the risk with you would need more than the assurances of love and more of security considerations to stay with you.
She would need proof that she won’t be sacrificing her womanhood if she marries you. Therefore, to protect you from yourself, you must be very honest with the choices you have.
Without you debasing, your ex-wife and former marriage, honestly tell the new woman you want in your life every necessary detail she ought to know about your former marriage.
Your willingness to talk freely about issues she may be afraid to ask in order not to hurt you will encourage a woman to stay.
It is also important you factor into your plans the age of the lady. It would have been a bit easier if you already have children. But with your situation, you need a woman who is matured and has the right shocks and frame of mind to confront whatever she will meet in her marriage to you. You need a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for who you are first and not the challenge of marrying a childless middle-aged divorcee immediately you contact her for a relationship.
The lady in your life is treating you the way she is doing because she doesn’t have what it takes to make this kind of sacrifice for you. By staying with her more than necessary, you risk damaging whatever confidence you have left in yourself as a man. And to date her kind would further demoralise you as a man.
Therefore, end this relationship because it is leading to nowhere. Stop exposing yourself to avoidable pains from women who are obviously out to take advantage of your situation.
Accept those things in life you cannot change again. As one gets older, illusions give way to reality. You are at that age when you take sole responsibility for your action. There is no more future anywhere. This is that all-important future you have talked about from your childhood. Count your loses and move on. At this age, you don’t have to please anybody. A desperate and inexperienced woman would only make your life more complex. Look for a woman who has seen all there is to see about life, the kind that has the understanding that life isn’t a straight line, that each of the curve is an incident designed to help others grow in knowledge and wisdom.
You need a woman who would first of all see you as her friend, son, brother, and partner. Only this kind of woman will have the patience to help you come to your full realisation as a man.
A good marriage isn’t just about having a child, but also about being happy. Without the person you are sharing your space, body, and mind with, there is no way a woman who isn’t properly in tune with your dreams can make you happy. Marriage is a compromise of all the aspects of life.
Take time out of this relationship first; sort out your needs before settling down with one. Ensure you and the woman share so many things in common. The example of the lady in the above captioned story should serve as a lesson to you.
Good luck.
Sacked for dating her, now she’s pregnant…
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I graduated with Second Class Upper in Psychology but couldn’t get a job five years after my graduation. So, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job that came my way.
That was how I became a security man to this successful businessman. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might be a barrier to my being employed by him.
Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. Even if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl, were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet and gist with me. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money, but also excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her.
Through our discussions, the twins discovered I was a graduate. In fact, I became their friend as I helped them with their assignments since they were also studying my course. Their mother was hardly around, so she didn’t notice our closeness.
Somehow, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened, but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say.
Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support, but warned of his mother’s reactions if she gets to find out.
We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’ wife got to know, and one afternoon came to my post, slapped me, with threats to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone.
That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business.
All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am not only still dating her daughter, but that she is pregnant for me?
Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter, I, who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman her words are laws in that house.
Paul.
Dear Paul,
It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are laws in that house. In the first place, you are no longer working for her and you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say; learn to control your temper as a man.
Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were in the first place.
What you need is confidence in yourself and belief in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you of being afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and inferior to have her daughter as a wife.
The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with, and for that simple fact deserves your respect. But anything beyond that, make it clear to her in your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago.
Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee, but now you are now a young successful businessman. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years.
However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to first of all accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far, but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over.
He may not be as obvious as his wife, but deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good-natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you.
And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist.
Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he were as humble as you said, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter.
By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth.
Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I graduated with Second Class Upper in Psychology but couldn’t get a job five years after my graduation. So, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job that came my way.
That was how I became a security man to this successful businessman. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might be a barrier to my being employed by him.
Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. Even if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl, were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet and gist with me. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money, but also excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her.
Through our discussions, the twins discovered I was a graduate. In fact, I became their friend as I helped them with their assignments since they were also studying my course. Their mother was hardly around, so she didn’t notice our closeness.
Somehow, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened, but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say.
Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support, but warned of his mother’s reactions if she gets to find out.
We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’ wife got to know, and one afternoon came to my post, slapped me, with threats to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone.
That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business.
All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am not only still dating her daughter, but that she is pregnant for me?
Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter, I, who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman her words are laws in that house.
Paul.
Dear Paul,
It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are laws in that house. In the first place, you are no longer working for her and you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say; learn to control your temper as a man.
Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were in the first place.
What you need is confidence in yourself and belief in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you of being afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and inferior to have her daughter as a wife.
The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with, and for that simple fact deserves your respect. But anything beyond that, make it clear to her in your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago.
Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee, but now you are now a young successful businessman. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years.
However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to first of all accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far, but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over.
He may not be as obvious as his wife, but deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good-natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you.
And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist.
Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he were as humble as you said, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter.
By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth.
Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother.
Good luck.
Causes of uterine fibroids, please
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it.
Lanre.
Dear Lanre,
None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumors. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular- blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids.
In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and taking oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood of having fibroids.
Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period; menarche prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol particularly beer, uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure – hypertension.
Estrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but postmenopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist.
Overall, these tumors are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumors that originate in the uterus.
It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it.
Lanre.
Dear Lanre,
None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumors. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular- blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids.
In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and taking oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood of having fibroids.
Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period; menarche prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol particularly beer, uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure – hypertension.
Estrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but postmenopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist.
Overall, these tumors are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumors that originate in the uterus.
It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition.
Good luck.
My upbringing affects relationship with opposite sex
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
It’s always great reading the various advice you give to people and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue that is eating me up.
I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin, but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem.
I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused as to marrying a graduate like me or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.
Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side; a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lack the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover whom you are, get into pranks like all children do; the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.
To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know whom you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want; only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship.
To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality.
In this package are temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first.
Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood.
A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.
Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
It’s always great reading the various advice you give to people and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue that is eating me up.
I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin, but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem.
I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused as to marrying a graduate like me or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.
Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side; a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lack the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover whom you are, get into pranks like all children do; the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.
To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know whom you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want; only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship.
To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality.
In this package are temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first.
Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood.
A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.
Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy.
Good luck.
I’m ashamed of my husband’s age
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends.
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends.
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
He suddenly grows the knack to look young…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
In the past three months, my husband has been behaving strangely. Although the changes are not the kind you can hold on to, give a name, but are there nonetheless.
He takes extra care of his appearance, ensure when he is going out that everything about him is perfect, changed his cologne to a stronger one, has started cutting down on his in take of food with the excuse that he doesn’t want to go out of shape too much.
I recently went through his clothes, discovered he has practically changed his easy clothes to jeans and T-shirts. The quality of these things can only come from a woman’s fashion eyes. Recently, went into his room to find him reading a book that gives detailed portrayal of the different sex styles.
When I asked what he was doing with such a book, he said, it was meant to broaden his knowledge since learning isn’t restricted to any age.
Agatha, everything about his conduct smells extra-marital affairs. We have been married for almost two decades. He will be 50 later this year while I will be 46 in April.
I don’t know how to handle him at this age. I thought this side of him was gone with his youthful days.
Please, I don’t want to lose him to a younger woman.
Iyinola.
Dear Iyinola,
What is happening to your husband is the basic need of the average middle age man to relive the excitement of his past. Not everybody is equipped with the presence of mind to accept the process of aging with maturity. For many of us, the onset of the golden years is scary and bleak. This is because the golden years bring with them a decline in the human form.
No matter how much modern science has improved, man’s internal mechanism begins the dance of depreciation.
While women give in to the menopausal years, actually are mentally prepared to begin this new phase of life, nothing on the other hand prepares the man for this period of his life.
Every man wants to remain active and attractive for life. So when the age catches on, most men become very scared so much so they want to run back into their youths for support.
While your husband could be having an affair to prove he is still man enough to engage and sustain the interest of the young woman, it may just be that the fear of old age has made him so insecure that he wants to hold on at all cost to his past.
Whatever he may be up to, this isn’t the time for you to get overtly jealous or troublesome. Any additional stress on his plate will make him abandon you and the children for a younger woman that makes him feel strong and vibrant, even if for a short period. To forestall crisis in your home, give him all the support to be secured again.
When it comes to this kind of issue women are stronger and more realistic. Don’t forget the ego of the average man is tied to his viability and vibrancy as a man. Anything that will tamper with these, men don’t like that all.
In whatever way, encourage him by your own appearance too. He is obviously fighting to remain young and would very soon begin to resent anything that reminds him of his current age. You will definitely become his first target if you are the kind of woman who exposes through your choice of clothes what he is trying to run away from.
This means until he comes to terms with his present age, you have to shift position a little bit to conform to what he has in mind. It is also essential to protect your home from irrational decision he is likely to make in his current frame of mind.
The first thing is to perish the thought of another woman in his life; such thoughts at your age will only make you miserable and angry. Even if he is dating another woman, pretend she doesn’t exist. In addition, she isn’t worth your time and attention.
Secondly, do away with free flowing gowns. Invest in some quality T-shirts similar to the ones he has. If you favour trousers, go for them in durable Jeans materials, but if not, go for skirts, the kinds that make you smart and appealing.
Ensure you change your hairstyles to more contemporary ones. And even if you must dress in gowns and traditional attires, go for vibrant colours, match them with equally appealing essentials that would force him to look at you again as a woman; just his wife and mother of his children.
Also spend good money on quality bra and support panties to firm up your body. There is no investment in your appearance that is too much for the sake of your home.
With hair-extensions there is no style you cannot achieve. You can also opt for low cut to keep you trendy.
To ensure he remembers you wherever he goes, stamp your authority on his mind by searching for a perfume with unforgettable fragrance. It is a matter of looking for the right one for you. Also go for sexy nightgowns. Who says you cannot be as sexy as those young girls even more than them since you have time and experiences on your side?
As for your sex life, you are just starting. Why not take a cue from him on how to improve your act? There is no age restriction to learning.
There is always an improved version to what you are used to. It is a matter of your willingness to experiment with your age of freedom.
Give him the extra.
Above all, entrust your marriage to God; there is no situation He cannot change.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
In the past three months, my husband has been behaving strangely. Although the changes are not the kind you can hold on to, give a name, but are there nonetheless.
He takes extra care of his appearance, ensure when he is going out that everything about him is perfect, changed his cologne to a stronger one, has started cutting down on his in take of food with the excuse that he doesn’t want to go out of shape too much.
I recently went through his clothes, discovered he has practically changed his easy clothes to jeans and T-shirts. The quality of these things can only come from a woman’s fashion eyes. Recently, went into his room to find him reading a book that gives detailed portrayal of the different sex styles.
When I asked what he was doing with such a book, he said, it was meant to broaden his knowledge since learning isn’t restricted to any age.
Agatha, everything about his conduct smells extra-marital affairs. We have been married for almost two decades. He will be 50 later this year while I will be 46 in April.
I don’t know how to handle him at this age. I thought this side of him was gone with his youthful days.
Please, I don’t want to lose him to a younger woman.
Iyinola.
Dear Iyinola,
What is happening to your husband is the basic need of the average middle age man to relive the excitement of his past. Not everybody is equipped with the presence of mind to accept the process of aging with maturity. For many of us, the onset of the golden years is scary and bleak. This is because the golden years bring with them a decline in the human form.
No matter how much modern science has improved, man’s internal mechanism begins the dance of depreciation.
While women give in to the menopausal years, actually are mentally prepared to begin this new phase of life, nothing on the other hand prepares the man for this period of his life.
Every man wants to remain active and attractive for life. So when the age catches on, most men become very scared so much so they want to run back into their youths for support.
While your husband could be having an affair to prove he is still man enough to engage and sustain the interest of the young woman, it may just be that the fear of old age has made him so insecure that he wants to hold on at all cost to his past.
Whatever he may be up to, this isn’t the time for you to get overtly jealous or troublesome. Any additional stress on his plate will make him abandon you and the children for a younger woman that makes him feel strong and vibrant, even if for a short period. To forestall crisis in your home, give him all the support to be secured again.
When it comes to this kind of issue women are stronger and more realistic. Don’t forget the ego of the average man is tied to his viability and vibrancy as a man. Anything that will tamper with these, men don’t like that all.
In whatever way, encourage him by your own appearance too. He is obviously fighting to remain young and would very soon begin to resent anything that reminds him of his current age. You will definitely become his first target if you are the kind of woman who exposes through your choice of clothes what he is trying to run away from.
This means until he comes to terms with his present age, you have to shift position a little bit to conform to what he has in mind. It is also essential to protect your home from irrational decision he is likely to make in his current frame of mind.
The first thing is to perish the thought of another woman in his life; such thoughts at your age will only make you miserable and angry. Even if he is dating another woman, pretend she doesn’t exist. In addition, she isn’t worth your time and attention.
Secondly, do away with free flowing gowns. Invest in some quality T-shirts similar to the ones he has. If you favour trousers, go for them in durable Jeans materials, but if not, go for skirts, the kinds that make you smart and appealing.
Ensure you change your hairstyles to more contemporary ones. And even if you must dress in gowns and traditional attires, go for vibrant colours, match them with equally appealing essentials that would force him to look at you again as a woman; just his wife and mother of his children.
Also spend good money on quality bra and support panties to firm up your body. There is no investment in your appearance that is too much for the sake of your home.
With hair-extensions there is no style you cannot achieve. You can also opt for low cut to keep you trendy.
To ensure he remembers you wherever he goes, stamp your authority on his mind by searching for a perfume with unforgettable fragrance. It is a matter of looking for the right one for you. Also go for sexy nightgowns. Who says you cannot be as sexy as those young girls even more than them since you have time and experiences on your side?
As for your sex life, you are just starting. Why not take a cue from him on how to improve your act? There is no age restriction to learning.
There is always an improved version to what you are used to. It is a matter of your willingness to experiment with your age of freedom.
Give him the extra.
Above all, entrust your marriage to God; there is no situation He cannot change.
Good luck.
Falling in love with a man I never met?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
She caught me with my live-in lover…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Re: Too cunning to be taken serious
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
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