Saturday, July 18, 2009

He Says I Must Wear G-String


Dear Agatha,


I’m in my early 40s with grownup children. My last child is in JSS 3 and I’ve been married for close to 21 years, though I’m a graduate with a fairly good job.

I put the interest of my children first. My husband and friends all think I’m boring because I hardly socialise. I’m an introvert whereas my husband is an extrovert.

I have always known my husband for his passion for women and fashion trends. To be frank, I sometimes wonder how our marriage survived all these years because several times I have caught him red-handed with different women but each time he comes back to beg, I forgive and forget.

A lot of my friends think I’m too soft and stupid but Agatha, I never used to be like this. Twice I’ve packed out and would have done so last year when I caught him with another woman at one of the many hotels he visits. It was you who stopped me from doing so because of the advice you gave a woman who was having similar problems. In your reply to that woman, you pleaded for patience and plenty of understanding. Your usual recourse to God remains your strongest point. In that article it was like addressing my problems directly because of the things you said then, I stayed.

Thinking back now maybe I should have gone ahead with my plans because nothing has improved between us.

His phones are filled with sexy messages from various women. The pains I feel can only be imagined. I get this feeling that you preach patience because you have never experienced pains and humiliation in your marriage, that you are one of those lucky women God specially blessed. I honestly don’t mean to be rude because I respect you a lot but do you know what it feels like to be in a bad marriage? Do you know the pains and panic of my husband coming home because I know he is going to pick a fight with me for no just reason or knowing he is with another woman and I can’t do anything about it? It is very frustrating and killing.

The latest bother is that he has come up with one of the most ridiculous ideas of all time. He wants me to wear G-string and beads round my waist. I don’t need anybody to tell me where he got the idea. He must have been seeing them on his girlfriends and wants me in them.

When I tried discussing the matter with him, he said my attitude and lack of adventurous spirit is the reason he started having those affairs. He insists I must do as he wants or consider the marriage over.

When I told my pastor about it, he said I should ignore him that beads and G-string pants were not for Christian women. He said only unbelievers and women of easy virtue wore those pagan things.

My husband, when summoned, told the pastor pointedly that it was either I wore those things or pack out of his house. He told the pastor that my duty as his wife was to obey him.

Agatha, at over 40, how can I learn to wear beads and G-string and not feel ridiculous? Please tell me what to do to make my husband change his mind. I’m honestly fed up with the whole thing. I’m beginning to regret my marriage to him.

Hanny


Dear Hanny,

To regret is to give up on your marriage and husband. To quit is to say you failed to make the difference when it mattered the most. God is still in the business of answering prayers and doing the impossible.

As a Christian, I’m sure you appreciate that the Christian journey is not without pains and difficulties. And as a mother of grownup children, what would you tell your daughters in future if they come to you for advice over a similar problem? Tell them to give up on their marriages? I’m sure you won’t do that.

I think you should give thanks to God for this little miracle. At least you now know why he is having all those affairs you have caught him in. Not all women have the privilege of being told by their men where they went wrong.

What is the big deal in wearing a G-string and beads to make your man happy? Since he is the one demanding for them, what is the problem? It isn’t as if the idea is coming from you and he is opposed to it. For him to have told you shows willingness on his part to make the marriage work, so why not help him?

Unless you plan on advertising the fact to the whole world that, you are wearing a G-string and beads, these are for the eyes of the only person authorised in the world to see your nakedness.

I’m sure you know that your pastor cannot dictate what happens in your home or overturn what your husband wants. He can only advise you but the ultimate decision is your husband’s. It is also wrong for him to brand women who wear beads and G-strings as women of easy virtue or pagans. There is nothing indecent about underwear because it is private and at the discretion of the two persons in the relationship.

What your pastor feels is not what your husband wants. If you fail to entice him back to yourself and marriage with such sexy underwear, don’t forget there are other women ready to steal him away from you so be sensible and do what would make your home and man happy.

I preach patience and tolerance because that is what God demands of me. Contrary to what you think. I have deep scars from my marriage but they have helped in making me the person I am now. Those scars, though deep, remind me that in life, the best things don’t come easy, that a lot of pains, embarrassments, humiliations and agony go into refining the best of gold. Ask the goldsmith, he would tell you the battle he goes through with the fire to refine those precious ornaments we all adorn with pleasure. If you must know, I’m still in the battlefront, trying to make up for all the mistakes and hasty decisions. No marriage is a bed of roses. For a lot of us, our scars are within, they can never heal completely but with time, they become an integral part of our existence. We all have our secret pains and stories. But you know what? God usually makes ways where there seems to be none. He sometimes allows us to go through that valley to shape us into better human beings. So when I tell you to endure a problematic marriage or situation, it is because I know how it feels and that no situation is beyond God. I’m who and what I am because of those experiences I have gathered till date.

Prayers, fasting and absolute trust in God have never failed to do the magic as I have found out in my case. No matter how long the results take in coming keep praying and fasting to make the difference in your marriage. And please, for the sake of your happiness open up a bit. It would go a long way in keeping your home. Try to give him some of the excitements he goes out to find. It isn’t too much to do for someone you love so much. Learn to be as exciting as the many women he goes out to find.

Good luck.