Met on Facebook, had the wedding, but he’s a cripple

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Two years ago, I met and fell in love with the man whose name I now answer to through the Facebook.
He lives in New York, while I was then in Nigeria. We exchanged pictures and I thought I knew all there was to know about him.
After a year and half of dating on the Facebook, he told his people to proceed with the wedding arrangement. It was mother that came to see my parents first. This visit was followed by another visit by his father. They were very friendly and instantly took to me.
They were equally in a hurry for the wedding to take place. Since he wasn’t in the country, I didn’t get to meet many of his people except when they accompanied his parents. But his sister kept asking me how well I know her brother. Back then I thought her unusual questions were because she didn’t want me to marry her brother.
How naïve I was? I didn’t bother to give it much thought, because at 35, I was almost giving up on hope. He is five years older than I am and has been in New York for more than 15 years.
Even though his father is well to do, he himself is also. You can therefore imagine my joy when he proposed to me and his entire family threw their weight behind his decision.
While we were preparing for the wedding ceremony, he assured me he would come, but changed plans at the last second. He said he was unable to get away from work as some of his partners insisted on coming at that time.
His brother stood in for him and both the traditional and court weddings. During the traditional wedding he was put on speakerphone, and responded to everything that was being done on that day.
Neither my friends nor I could believe my good luck. A month after the court wedding, I travelled to meet him. Until we met physically, he didn’t say anything about his condition. I didn’t know he was crippled.
I recognised him from the photos I have of him, but I didn’t know he was on the wheelchair. The pictures of him on the Facebook must have been taken when he was okay.
I almost ran back, but I bought only one-way ticket. When I asked why he didn’t tell me about his health or physical condition, he said, he knew I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him.
If Amercia weren’t so far away from home, I would have since come back to my people. The worst thing is that his family, who in such a short time build a nice house for my parents and got my brother a contract from the local government is threatening to take all back if I refuse to stay in the marriage.
My parents and siblings are all urging me to stay on. Each time he attempts to touch me, I throw-up. The few times I agreed, though went well, the fact that he has a disability made it difficult for me to flow into the process.
What do I do? There is no way I can endure this marriage for long. I am angry he deceived me, bribed with money, attention, and care. I feel bad his parents are also doing the same thing to my parents. I cannot stay with a man I cannot show off to my friends. I want to know if the marriage we did is legal. I simply cannot marry a cripple, even if he has the ability to procreate.
Help me, Agatha.
Kosi.



Dear Kosi,
Stop hurting this man. You are unwittingly killing him psychologically. If you cannot stand the sight of him, help him as a wife become happy with the situation he has found himself, nobody is forcing you to stay. You are not just being cruel, but also unreasonable.
Granted he lied about his state of physical health, but to say he bribed you with money to fall in love with him is stretching the truth. You thought you had it all, a rich and well-connected husband, who lives in America. Besides, he came at a time you were giving up hope on ever finding a man to call your own. At the time he came, you were becoming desperate and would have done anything to him to marry you.
So the issue of deception is mutual. He deceived you by posting only his top half pictures on the Facebook while you completely fell for him out of desperation and the money he was sending you. At least, be truthful; it is the only way out of this situation. To blame him for the mistakes you made will get you nowhere.
Be truthful. Desperation and the prospect of cash filled life led you to marry a total stranger, someone whose thoughts, temperament, attitude, and disposition you knew nothing of and still don’t know. You were ready to take a gamble and everyone who gambles knows the rule of the game, losing everything at the end of the day.
Besides, marriage itself is a gamble. Even if you spent all your waking moments with this man before marrying him, there is no assurance you will still be completely happy with him.
The fact that you didn’t bother to make further investigations into the character of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with, underscored your determination to damn everything as long as you got what you wanted.
I am sure if either you or your parents went a step further to ask people around, there would have been someone willing to oblige you the information.
Whether he was present or not, your marriage is legal. You are still making the mistake you made from the beginning, limiting yourself to only the surface presentations of what he is. Every one suffers from one disability or the other. The fact that you are not physically challenged doesn’t mean you are without flaw. The attitude you are putting up presents you as one with a great flaw.
No situation is completely devoid of a positive side. Your grass is definitely greener than the ones in the garden of others. Granted both of you went into the marriage with secrets, but there is nothing stopping you from making the best of the situation you found yourselves. The fact that he can perform his husbandly duties means his case isn’t totally hopeless.
I honestly appreciate your anger and disappointment, but striving to find out more about him could make a whole lot of difference. Granted, your marriage may not be passion filled, but you could still achieve happiness with him.
And the only way is to go beyond his disability to his ability. If he has the ability to go all the way as a man, then the situation isn’t as bad as the image of him on the wheelchair. Your love and support may be all he needs to heal fully. That he is the success story he told you he is shows that he is a very complete man, one that can hold his own anywhere in the world. It couldn’t have been easy for him to make it in another man’s land if he wasn’t intelligent at what he does.
You should be curious to know why he didn’t tell you the whole story about his condition. Just like you must have suffered several disappointments to keep you single till you met him through the Facebook at age 35, he also must have suffered so many disappointments in life.
Begin from there. If he had the full use of his legs one time in life, something terrible must have happened to rob him of his legs. He must have detected something in your various conversations that made him decide on you.
Even though you started on a wrong footing, a lot of difference can still be achieved if you make that effort to get him to talk about his story. In talking you will discover so many things about him in addition to the information you want from him. All you have to do is to drop that attitude of disappointments from your agenda because he is also being let down by your reactions to him and the marriage.
If a man can make love to a woman, give her the quality companionship that makes her feel wanted and happy, what more does the woman want in a marriage? If it is just about your friends and attitude towards his situation, then you don’t have a point or know what marriage is all about for that matter.
You can only be sure of what you really want if you make the effort to make it work.
At this point, you really need the help of God and His wisdom to make the difference in your home. Sincerely, the moment you begin to think of him as your friend, his house as your home, your marriage has a chance of survival. Make the sacrifice needed to make this work.
Good luck.