Monday, March 23, 2009

I Hate My Brother For Visiting Altar Without Me!


Dear Agatha,

My brother recently got married without informing us about the marriage, besides my father.

Since after the wedding he has been beeping me but I refuse to respond. Now what do I do if he eventually decides to call me.

Orzo.



Dear Orzo,

Take his call and tell him exactly how you feel about his decision to exclude you from his wedding arrangements. Even if he has his reasons for not going public with such information, still let him know that you consider it improper and something of an embarrassment to be left out of his wedding plans.

Having said that, give him the opportunity to explain his reasons. You may not agree with his explanation but for the sake of family peace don’t doubt his logic. There are indeed some situations that demand absolute secrecy in some matters. He could have been warned in the church to keep things really low not because of you but other family interests and politics that might come to play or derail his plans.

He may have informed your father out of a necessity so it doesn’t look as if he completely ignored all his family members.

The onus is now on you through your actions to make this relationship work between you two. That he did what he did shows that within the family a lot of things are wrong and since your father is still very much alive, you should impress it on him to bring about genuine reconciliation between all his children such that when issues like this come up, the whole family would find it possible to queue effortlessly behind their own happily.

Your father should have been able to bring about this reconciliation before now particularly as some of his children were not informed about the wedding of one of his children. Irrespective of whatever reasons your brother may have given, your father should have called all of you the moment he knew the information was out and no longer a secret to mediate on the issue.

Waiting to mop up things after the wedding if not carefully handled may still leave some of you feeling alienated from this wedding.

To show you don’t have anything against him or his wife, go the extra mile by visiting them with your present.

While there, let him know that whatever may have informed his decision not to inform some arms of the family doesn’t concern you as much as ensuring the family remains one.

Whatever you say there must be final such that it buries all your misgiving as well as your anger. Forgiveness when complete and wholesome gives way to perfect peace and future happiness.

If you understand that decision not to invite you didn’t come from nothing, must have come from years of mutual suspicions, disloyalty, damaging family politics, fetish practices, you would understand the essence of making such that past history within the family is resolved to protect all of you from this type of embarrassment again.

Family disagreements are common but must be managed in such a way as not to expose the weakness of the family to external gossips or interventions like this one between you and your brother.

Pray for the wisdom of God to manage this.

Good luck.

Can Single Lady Pass Night With Her Boyfriend?


Dear Agatha,


Is it advisable for a single lady to pass the night in her boyfriend’s house to please him?

Confused Lady.



Dear Confused Lady,

It isn’t advisable for a single lady to spend the night in her boyfriend’s house to please him. This is because until you are both married, there is no guarantee that you both would end as one. The losses to the woman after investing her body, emotion as well as reputation to a stillbirth relationship are too numerous to mention.

A man has nothing to lose in the long run whereas a woman loses her everything. Her value in the opinion of others, especially men who may be interested in taking her for a wife dips by the time it is known that she spends nights in the house of her former boyfriend.

The assumption is always negative for the woman as she is regarded not having moral training or values.

Even though this assumption is often not right, but the thought of a single girl having the liberty to leave her parents’ house for her boyfriend’s house in the night is still regarded down here as not morally acceptable.

In other cultures, it may not be so much of a big deal but ours is a society still largely governed by deep moral codes that make it absolutely improper for a single lady to spend the night in her boyfriend’s house.

Ultimately, it boils down to a couple’s value. If the man feels that spending the night is the only way a woman can prove her love, it means a lot of things are wrong with the relationship.

Building of a relationship goes beyond the physical to more fundamental as well as spiritual qualities. A couple may have all the technical know-how when it comes to lovemaking but lack the essential ingredients in other areas. These issues are too important to be solved by a couple spending the night together or not.

Rather than waste energy on this issue, it is advisable you and your boyfriend concentrate on your compatibilities as individuals as a couple. The logic of spending the night together would be defeated if at the end of the day every other piece is defective and the relationship has to be terminated.

How many men can you afford to spend the night with before you find your own man? What makes one man desire to spend the night with you would also make another man demand your presence by his side through the night.

Relationship is a two-way traffic. It doesn’t work successfully with just one person made to make all the sacrifices. Both parties must invest their interests, concern and responsibilities to make it work well. He should be concerned about your reputation if he really cares about you.

It isn’t only when you agree to spend the night in his place, you would please him. You please him by being faithful to him, respectful, caring, understanding, trustful, prayerful as well as giving him your loyalty.

These are more viable and beneficial ways of telling your man you love him not by spending the nights with him.

Good luck.