Friday, September 7, 2012

Despite being married, he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for your wonderful advice to couples and intending couples like myself. I have a problem, which has been disturbing me and I need your advice on it, it is a year since I met and started dating my boyfriend. He is all I need in a man; he loves me so much and treats me like a queen. He has proposed to me and I have accepted but Agatha, my problem is, he has two boys from a woman. The first time I prayed about his proposal, I saw him in my dream playing with children. When I narrated the dream to him, he confirmed he having children with a woman he once lived with. He explained that they were never married because he never paid her bride price, but that he wedded her in court. I asked about the woman and the children, he told me that he doesn’t know their where-about but that he sends money for the boys’ upkeep. He said the woman left with the children and said she has moved on with her life. According to him, he doesn’t want to remember anything about the woman or talk about her because of the pains he suffered at the hands of the woman. He said the woman represents everything bad in his life. When I asked him how come they have two children between them if everything he is saying about the woman is true; he said he it doesn’t take much to get a woman pregnant. He warned me against mentioning the name of the woman if I don’t want us to fight. I have tried asking him so many times what caused the problem between them and why he didn’t pay her bride price. He is not saying anything. But my problem now is how can a woman leave such a man that is so caring and loving? I have meet with his family members and even asked the ones I am close to about their brother’s ex-wife, they keep telling me to forget about the woman that, she showed their brother pepper that no member of the family wants to talk or have anything to do with the woman. I asked about the children they told me that the children will look for their father once they are old enough. Agatha, I have introduced this guy to my pastor who has given his go ahead. Knowing the spiritual gift of my pastor, if this man wasn’t meant for me, he would have said so the day we visited his office. My family members to have accepted him even my elder sister who is in the habit of kicking against all the men that have come to ask for my hand in marriage, accepted him with all her mind. My problem now is that he said he has to go to the court to divorce the woman as he wedded her in the court. I am having this feeling in me that, I am getting married to a divorcee who has two boys already. Agatha please advice me on what to do. I am confused.  Eucharia. Dear Eucharia, It is not a feeling you have; it is a statement of fact that you are marrying a man who already has a wife. Whether he agrees to this reality or not, the truth remains, he has a wife somewhere. The laws of the land places more premium on court marriages than any other form of marriage. The marriage act, gives universal recognition to court marriages alone which means he would be committing a crime under any marriage act if he attempts to wed another woman under the marriage act. If you marry him, he cannot wed you in the court unless he vacates his earlier marriage contacted under the act. For now, you can only get married under the customary laws of the land, not in church or registry. But, as long as he remains legally bonded to the other woman, whether he hasn’t paid the bride price or not, in the eyes of the church and laws of the land, your marriage remains null and void. Therefore, whether he likes it or not, he has to revisit his marriage to the other woman if he wants to move on with his life. However, this matter is beyond you since you weren’t there when all the issues happened. Explain your apprehensions to his family members on the need for him to take legal steps to vacate his legal ties to the mother of his children. He may not understand it the way you do but if someone else explains all the legal implications to him, he will listen. As it stands, the woman still has a right to his name and home as long as the contract between them remains intact. Besides, she has children, two boys for him. She cannot just be wished away from his life like that. A lot of things may have gone wrong with their union but he has to learn to do things properly to forestall problems for you and the children you will have for him in later years. This is the angle you must make him appreciate if he really cares about you. Let him realize the future implications of his stubborn refusal to discuss his life with the other woman. It is your right to know, at least if for the simple reason of avoiding the mistakes she made. Definitely the children will come look for their father someday but, is it the responsible thing to do? Wait until they come to look for the man who fathered them? Isn’t it the right of the children to enjoy their father’s presence and attention? Should these children be punished for the problems between their parents? The intricacies of marriage make it impossible for only one person to destroy. Although the faults may be more on her side but, your man cannot to be completely free of any blame. I say this not to discourage but to help you appreciate the complexity of the institution you are about to enter. Without both of you making concrete efforts to work properly on the foundation, some of the issues he is unwilling to discuss will come back to hunt your marriage. Besides, he is lying about not knowing where the woman and the children are. If he claims to send the money regularly, he must have an address he sends the money to. He must have a phone number with which requests are forwarded to by either the woman or the children. It is your right to know so as to avoid breach of trust between the two of you as well as the consequences of harmful gossips. The fact that he also didn’t tell you from the beginning about this woman and her children should make you pause a little bit to think. One thing is for him to be caring and loving, another thing is for him to completely open his heart to you. You must find a way to make him appreciate that the first step to being happy in a marriage is to be forthcoming with information to one’s partner. Don’t allow your haste and heart blind you to obvious flaws in his character. To pretend you are okay with them is to postpone challenges in your association. This is the man you intend spending your life with; don’t begin your journey with fear or allow him to intimidate you to accepting only his ways. By the time you are ready in later years to reject the state of affairs in your marriage, the situation would have grown beyond you and change would become impossible. Since you have become in this past by virtue of your relationship with him, he cannot afford to be too rigid on this matter. He should file for a divorce from this other woman. He should also take steps to locate the woman and her children; especially his sons to iron out the issue of their welfare and education. They are his first seeds; he must be concerned about their education. He may not know it now, but these boys are his future pride. They may not be yours biologically, but they are part of him hence you must chart a proper way for him and his children to be happy together. It is part of your job as his wife. If these boys are not properly cared for today, it would affect your children too. Only a sane man abandons his children simply because he has issues with their mother. The go ahead signals from your pastor and family members will only work, if you are wise and ready to be a rally point in the family. Good luck.