Dear Agatha,
I have been in love with the first man I fell in love with for two years now. He claims to love me and I love him too. He never fails to come to see me at home daily. However, I noticed that each time he is with me, there is this number that always calls, which he doesn’t pick in my presence.
This has happened more than three times. Recently I was forced to ask who this particular caller was and why he doesn’t like answering the call in my presence. He told me the caller is always in the habit of beeping him and asked if I suspect him of trying to keep something away from me.
When I told him that it doesn’t appear as if this caller was beeping, he came with the excuse that this caller likes his caller tune, which I am aware he recently added to his phone.
Frankly, this is making me to have second thoughts about him. Even though I have told him on more than two occasions that I am not interested in him, he hasn’t stopped visiting or calling me.
Each time he reprimands me for a naughty action, I always refer him to the secret caller, a reference he seems to dislike with passion. On some occasions he has reminded me of the fact that he hasn’t introduced me to anybody, hence free to kiss or cuddle a lady on his laps, but that whatever he does with any lady is unimportant because what he feels for me is very special.
Agatha, don’t you think he could change overnight if I fully give him my love? He doesn’t appear to be serious with me notwithstanding his claims of love for me. Once, he asked me to take him to my village. When I asked him why he wanted to go to my village, he said he just wanted to know my village. Knowing the deductions people in the village would come up with should I be seen with him, I declined. Part of my reasons for not taking him to the village also had to do with what I told my parents that whosoever I bring to the village would be my husband, something I had stuck to all these while. I don’t know what he has in his mind. How can I take him to my parents without our first discussing the terms of our relationship? We must agree on something before I can take him to them. Agatha, do you think it is fair? I am so confused about him, what do I do?
B.B.
Dear B.B.
If for two years you have been dating a man you aren’t sure of, then something is fundamentally wrong somewhere. It is either you don’t know what you want from life or both of you are playing a game with each other’s emotions.
In the first instance, why would you waste 24 months on a relationship you are not certain of, a relationship where you have doubts about the man and his motives?
It is either you are in a relationship or not. Having dated this man for two years, what do you think of him? What have you learnt about him other than this mysterious caller whose calls he refuses to take when you are around?
The worst kind of harm you can do to a relationship and yourself is to speculate about the intentions or motive of the other person. It is either you trust his excuse or you don’t. To stay with him and still doubt his motive is harming yourself more than you know.
Get everything in the open. Let him know what precisely you think of him, his attitude, his way of life as well as his sincerity. Your two years together have given you the right to ask questions on areas of doubt in this relationship. Ask him questions on issues you don’t understand at all.
If he has asked you to take him to the village, it means he has something up his sleeve. Instead of declining to take him to the village without any explanation, you should have told him why you didn’t want him to go yet. He would have understood your reasons better than you just telling him an outright no. Sincerely, it wasn’t fair of you to do that because he might go away with the impression that you don’t feel anything for him.
While I agree that both of you should first have a discussion before going to your parents, the fact remains that you have been too encouraging. Telling him you are no longer interested in him while you still welcome him into your home gives a conflicting signal. He could be scared that discussing his plans with you at this point may be counterproductive.
For this reason you must make up your mind now on what you want from him and this relationship, because after a while, he would get tired of giving you subtle hints on how he feels.
Even if he has another relationship and despite you telling him of your disinterest in him, he keeps coming to your house and as well calls you almost everyday, shows you occupy a special place in his heart.
Show him some encouragement. It doesn’t mean you have to do what you shouldn’t do, but let him also know that he isn’t hitting a brick wall with you.
Good luck.
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