I’m still hanging on, she has moved on

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I wrote to you sometime last year seeking your wise counsel on ways to handle my girlfriend’s situation. I left her after five years of thorough relationship to study aboard. In those five years, I only visited home when my father died in 2009. In 2010, she wrote asking me what my plans for the next two years were. Since I was still in school and didn’t know she was looking for something, I told her my plans, which were to finish school, further my studies, come home and start work. Honestly if she had been clear or more direct about what she meant, I could have answered her differently, but truly as at then I was not ready and even now, I am still not ready. The bottom line is that she got a proposal and accepted it. I felt betrayed when she told me about the proposal and her acceptance in January this year. I deleted everything about her from my Facebook, BBM and phone. That was the only way I felt I could forget her quickly, because the pain was too much. She too could not bear it. She called me that she was joking but something in me remains unconvinced. So I started preparing my mind, just in case. I would have been home by now but something has been keeping me here since January. Besides, I have been having this strong feeling of pending danger that has to do with my relationship with her. On the 17th of last month, I called her to discuss these feelings with her. She made me promise not to delete her details from my contacts since she can’t stand without communicating with me. She went on to confirm the earlier story of her engagement as well as the preparation her parents are putting in place. She made it appear as if she was under pressure to marry. Agatha, she is just 23 and still in school. She is a 300 level student while I am 25. I asked if she is all right with the situation, she said yes, especially as I wasn’t ready to settle down. She said since I was ready, she had to move on. When I first learnt she wanted to get married, I persuaded her like you suggested in my previous letter to you that she holds on till I return. We agreed we would sit to discuss. God knows I love this girl but obviously she chose someone else over me. I would have persuaded her to wait but it seems plans are now in top gear and too late for me to do anything about the marriage since they have already gone for marriage counselling. I am used to her. She wants me to forget her. From all indications she has moved on long ago. She is obviously feeling pity for me because in my five years abroad, I did her no wrong. Before the advent of BB, I was calling her regularly thrice a week, and when the BB technology became a common place, I was always in touch with her at anytime of the day. She wants us to continue as friends, but it isn’t easy for me. Talking to her is like opening old wounds. I don’t want to appear like a bad loser but she is my source of joy. The thought of her in another man’s arm is killing me softly. Agatha please I need your wise counsel. Broken Guy. Dear Broken Guy, Only one relationship among the many we enter in to will end up in marriage. Some happen to teach basic lessons of life while others happen out of our foolishness or inexperience. Besides, every relationship comes with a unique package intended to light our way through the next one. Whenever a relationship goes bad, it is meant to educate us on the mistakes to avoid in our next effort. You dated this lady for close to a decade. You thought you will end up as an item but God has other plans for both of you. From all indices, you both put in a lot of efforts into making this end in the way you wanted, but other things happened to derail all your plans for each other. A lot of your problems are inexperience related. There is no way at your age you can conduct long distance relationship successfully. At the time you left the country, both of you lacked the experience to deal with the reality of long distance relationship. Most of what you felt, thought, and planned were based more on idealism rather than reality. You were just 20 while she was only 18 at the time you left the country. At her age then, the idea of having a boyfriend abroad was appealing and something to boast about among her friends. But as she grew older, cynicism from friends, aided by fears of her time ticking away changed some of her views about the relationship as well as the sincerity of your words and feelings for her. The fact that you only came back once in those five years further reinforced the sense of insecurity she was beginning to feel about the whole relationship. Between the time you left and now she has grown from a teenager into a young woman who should be thinking of her future and getting serious with a man in her life. Being so far away, you couldn’t offer her the security her situation was beginning to demand. No doubt you tried through constant telephone conversations to assure her of your love but in this instance she wanted more than mere words from you. She needed your physical presence to do the talking for you and deal with all the doubts that were being planted in her mind by friends whose boyfriends were present. Even though she may not have said it, she certainly had her doubts, about your fidelity towards the relationship. Being a man and very far away from her, nothing in her opinion was stopping you from having another girlfriend there. Doubtless, with the kinds of heartbreaking stories told by those who have ventured into distant relationships tell about their experiences, she won’t be the first to worry about the sincerity of the man she had only seen once in the five years he has left her. At the time she called to ask for your plans, she wanted something different from what you have been telling her since you left. She wanted you to come up with something more concrete, the kind of plans that will shelter her in your love. When it appeared as if you were stalling, undecided on how to proceed with the relationship, her alarm bells went up forcing her to take another look at her options and offers. She didn’t want to lose at both ends Granted, she may not love this man as she loved you or desired you, but he has more applicable plans and above all was physical within her reach. At least, with him she could tell where she stood. There is little or nothing you can do at this point. Whatever you think of her decision doesn’t matter anymore. She now belongs to another man; therefore you must let go and force yourself to love another woman. Many men and women before you have had to deal with the emotional pains of seeing a loved one go for good. It is all part of human history and experiences. You will get over it like all the others before you did. Heartbreaks don’t last forever, there will always be another person ready to mend the heart as long as you are wise enough to avoid making the same mistakes. Now you know that it is wrong to go into any serious relationship unless you have the time and presence of mind to execute it. Leaving a woman alone for five years is like imprisonment. Until you are ready don’t promise a woman something you cannot easily give her, especially attention. The mind of a woman desires the awareness of the man in her life. She wants to be complimented and appreciated by her man at all times. The moment this is missing in her life, she becomes insecure and fearful of her position in the life of the man. This is why you must be free to love your woman in the different ways she wants you in her life. It is the only way to avoid the pains of watching another man, take your place in the life of your woman. As for this lady, allow her be. It is too late for you to do anything. Good luck.

He wants love-making spiced with new styles

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I need your help urgently. My husband and I are Christians. We both grew up in strong Christian homes and members of the same church. I actually married him as a virgin. Our marriage is five years’ old. Sometime last year, I noticed a sort of restlessness in my husband. He began to demand for new ways of making love. Some of them were very odd to me. I refused him and at a time threatened to report him to the church authority. That stopped him from putting the pressures on me. However since then, he hasn’t come near me. It has been six months now. I fear if nothing is done, I may lose him to another woman with the way things are going between us. I am not that naïve. My husband is the kind of man who loves sex. But I am worried about one thing. One of his requests was for oral sex; a practice I know is not biblical. Despite not knowing how to go about placating him, is oral sex recommended especially for us as Christians? Our church is against it. Please help me. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, What does the Bible say about the position of the husband in the home? What does the church say about the wife; her role in the home and husband’s life? Your Bible like mine harps on the headship of the man in the home front. Therefore, as your head, he has the right to ask while your duty is to give. Besides, the Bible also stresses the need for wisdom to succeed in marriages. As Christians, whose law is more powerful — that of the Bible or the church? You have to make the choice of what is important to you in life. It is either you go along with your husband’s desires or go with what the church wants. Your husband has made his position very clear; the choice is yours to make. It is either you negotiate peace at home on his terms or mortgage peace in your home simply because you want to do what the pastor says. Most times, what pastors say and what the Bible teaches aren’t the same. In the first place, it isn’t the business of the pastor or church to teach married couples what kind of sexual styles to adopt. The business of the church is to teach morals to both young and old; not how married couples should find their sexual harmony. To risk your marriage simply because a pastor is declaring his or her personal opinion on a matter that is very fundamental to the sustenance of marriage is to throw away the basis of your union. What you and your partner do in the privacy of your bedroom is your concern and not that of any other person. What would happen if your husband decides to marry another woman who can give him what he wants in the bedroom? Will the pastor marry your or the church force him to stay with you? What if he impregnates another woman? What would be your gain and story? What kind of stories will you tell your children, family and friends are the cause of break-up in your home? A marriage is an everlasting journey; one that requires so many sacrifices to make it work. If your husband is the kind of man that loves sex, you must learn to flow in the same realm else, you open your doors for another woman to take over. God that created sex knows the importance of it to the human mind and being. That is why He instructed it to be done within the walls of marriage. He knows its potency hence instructed the man and woman in the union of marriage not to deny each other the pleasure of sex. You broke this important rule by turning down your husband’s desires. If he decides to seek solace in the arms of another woman, the same pastor you are trying to please will be the first to deny and condemn your actions because the Bible is very clear on this matter. And, if he hasn’t asked you for sex for six months, it can only mean one thing, that someone else is already giving him that which you refused to. This is particularly so because he loves sex. I am sure the danger of this isn’t lost on you. If you don’t act fast to make amends, do something extraordinary to attract him back, you may just wake up and find another woman in your home as the new madam. Unfortunately that which, you should have done in stages and with his cooperation, you now have to fast-track on your own. Sex is the most delicate subject in every marriage. Once the chemistry is not properly mixed, it becomes the cancer eating into the binding fabric of the marriage. Sex in a marriage isn’t dirty, rather, it is very beautiful and special. Only people with uneducated minds, project sex as being evil and dirty. Sex has multifunctional roles to play in the development of a marriage as well as in the lives of the couple. One of the greatest things sex does is to fuse two people into one. When a couple has a really balanced sex life, you could almost tell from the way they think alike, look out for each other, are tender to their children and willingness to make extra sacrifices for each other. It makes the couple glow from within and brings about an ambience of peace in and around the couple. By denying your husband of his desires, how do you propose to grow your marriage to the level of absolute trust, loyalty and friendship? Like everything in life, we have to constantly upgrade for better results and satisfaction. Sex isn’t an exception. Every couple must from time to time upgrade sex between them else the marriage becomes stale and unexciting. Variations in sex are what keep the engine wheels of a marriage well lubricated. Eating a particular food every time can be very boring. Life shouldn’t be predictable. Sex is fun hence it needs different constant ideas to make it a pleasure each time a couple goes on an expedition. Therefore, you must fight for your home and husband by reading books on how to improve sex in a marriage. You don’t have to like the positions he is asking for. The important thing is to work yourself into it. Remember your happiness is not negotiable. If having oral sex with your husband is what would make him come back home to you, do yourself a favour by doing it. There is nobody that can live your marriage for you. The power to make your union happy is now in your hands. Good luck.

My son-in-law blames me for my daughter’s bad behaviour

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this crisis in my daughter’s marriage. My eldest daughter has been married for 12 years. She is blessed with four children but from all I have witnessed in her home, she is not a happy woman. Her husband, just like her father did to me, is unforgiving, arrogant and selfish. He doesn’t care about my daughter in the way a man should. He seems to think money is everything. He is never there for his children. It is so painful because I experienced all that she is going through in my own marriage. The only difference is that he is paying his children’s school fees while my husband didn’t even bother about our happiness and welfare. The funny thing is that he is always accusing my daughter of being arrogant and rude to him. I am a teacher. I brought my children up to be fearless; besides, my experience in the hands of their father has taught them to be independent as well as determined to protect their hearts from being hurt. As a woman you know how it is with children. Nobody sits them down to teach them how to react to a situation. I guess my struggles in the hands of their father influenced them a lot. My son-in-law is of the opinion that I haven’t really been fair to him; he is now blaming me for the way my daughter is behaving and has told me to my face that I am always supporting my daughter against him even when it is obvious to everyone that my daughter is rude to him. Given what I went through in the process of training and seeing my children succeed, there is no way I will ever support any man maltreating my daughter. I had enough of that in my time. And I have never hidden this from him. The latest is as usual, I went to my daughter’s house in response to her distress call on the latest challenges she was having with her husband. Since he wasn’t at home when I got there, I decided to wait for him. He came back at about 9 p.m. Despite seeing me in the living room, he greeted me casually and walked away. He didn’t bother to come out again even when I sent my daughter to inform him of the reason for my visit. The next thing I heard is his angry voice yelling at my daughter to pack out of the house if she so desires; that he is a man of his own and would not allow his home or himself to be pushed around. I couldn’t stomach the insults so I walked into their bedroom since they were already fighting only for him to turn to me in anger. He said I was the one ruining his home and that I should leave his home first thing in the morning. That night, I left to book myself into a hotel not far from their house. Now my daughter has packed out; her father and everyone else say I mislead her. I am fed up because I never prayed for this. Her mother-in-law also says I should keep and teach my daughter some manners especially on how to talk to people. Even though I don’t know how I am to be blame for all these, how do I make her go back to her husband and children? Adebisi Dear Adebisi, You allowed your experiences to blind you to the faults of your daughter. You blindly supported your daughter to the ruins of her home. You may have had the best intentions for her but your handling of the matter worsened the situation between your daughter and her husband. As an adult, you didn’t provide her with the benefit of your experience beyond the hurt you suffered from your own husband whose house you obviously are still in. You should have taught your daughter the secret of your staying power in her father’s house despite everything you went through. Your pains and disappointment in your own marriage unwittingly made you the third party in your daughter’s marriage. Granted, mothers don’t teach their children how to respond to a situation but it is the duty of every mother to protect her children’s future and homes from ruins. When your daughter started manifesting this trait of stubbornness, disregard for men and rudeness to the authority of the man at home, you should have called her to order, reminding her that if you are still in her father’s house, she should do everything humanly possible to manage the shortcomings of her man. No woman, who is rude and disrespectful to the authority of her man, will last in his house. That you went into their room uninvited to register your anger at what the man said about you to your daughter, really fingers you as the major problem in that marriage. You don’t order your son-in-law around. It isn’t done. He had the boldness to disdain you because you are lacking in respect for his person. Respect begets respect. Your place is in your husband’s house where you can play court, not in his house where your daughter is the mistress and not you. The lesson you didn’t teach your daughter is what is affecting her relationship with her husband. At the point you heard them in that hot exchange, you should have sent your daughter a text message to keep quiet and not go into trading words with her husband. As an elderly woman, that words you heard were enough to alert you into a pending danger; the kind that would implicate you as the source of all the problems in your daughter’s marriage. Whether you like it or not, you are trying to use your daughter’s marriage to avenge your own pains and disappointment. Unfortunately the target is an innocent man, who doesn’t understand what you went through or witnessed what your husband did to you. If you have a son whose mother-in-law is behaving like you, how would you react? That this man’s mother hasn’t come to personally throw your daughter’s things out before now shows that he must have kept his family out of his marriage. A good mother stands behind her son-in-law or daughter-in-law against her child. It is the only way to secure the marital happiness of her child. Coming to your daughter’s house each time she complains about her husband gave her the impetus to continue to misbehave. A man is the head of his home. He dictates how he wants things in his house. You are the least person to tell your son-in-law how to manage his home. Patience should have been your advice to your daughter each time she reported her man to you. If you weren’t patient, enduring, selfless in your own travails, you would have since left your home for another woman to take over. In your interest pray, your son-in-law is responsible enough not to bring in another woman to take care of him and his children. If he does that, you would have finally driven your daughter out of her home forever. Now that she is back, it is essential you debrief her properly. Teach her how to be a good wife and mother; the kind that puts the interest of her husband and children first; the woman who is willing to make the sacrifice for the peace of her home. The first thing to do is to teach her how not to talk back to her husband and how to keep you or anyone else out of their marriage. All her husband is asking for is respect. Once he has it, he will also be willing to accord everybody that has to do with her the same kind of respect. Also, it is essential you tell her the difference between her father and husband. If she has any issue with the way her father treated you and her siblings, she shouldn’t take it out on her husband. He is innocent of this judgment you and your daughter have sentenced him to. One way you can help her is to change your attitude towards your own husband by forgiving him of any wrong he did to you in the past. Begin to accord him the respect he deserves as a man. This way your daughter will learn from you. Prevail on your husband to send for your son-in-law as you have forfeited your right to arbitrate on this matter. If you can swallow your pride, go to see his mother. Appeal to her to talk to her son; if there is anyone who can make him change his mind, it is his mother. Assure her you will never be a problem to them again and that you have really talked to your daughter on how to behave from now on. As a mother, you need also to go on your knees for God’s intervention in your life as well as your daughter’s. Only a true spirit of forgiveness can change the ambiance of things around you. Invest love in your life and those of your children. This is very important to the joy of your children. Good luck.