Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hard To Wrest Her Free From Her Man-friend’s Grip


Dear Agatha,


Please help me. I am 22 years of age, serving and in a relationship with a 20-year-old undergraduate. My relationship is shadowed by insecurity on my part. In all my previous relationships I have missed happiness due to this problem of mine.

Now I am in another relationship and don’t want to lose my girlfriend this time around. Please help me especially as she has this married man also interested in her.

Although I have told her to tell the man to stop calling her she declined to. In all fairness, I am sure there is nothing going on between the two of them, but she told me he might be 'useful'. When I asked her to explain what she meant by that statement, she said it was girl’s talk. This has caused a serious disagreement between us.

Insecure Boy.


Dear Insecure Boy,

This woman isn’t the real problem rather you and whatever happened in the past is.
There is no way you can conduct a viable relationship if you are constantly suspicious of your women. No woman likes to be questioned unnecessarily or clothed in attire that doesn’t fit her.

Whatever your past mistakes are, you have to learn to deal with the real issues in your life. It has to be an all-embracing approach to whatever it is that is bringing on your insecurities.

The first question to ask yourself is why you are feeling so insecure. Has it to do with your family history? Is there any particular incident in your past, your parents’ marriage, with your female relatives that has put this fear inside of you? What is it that you have locked very deep in your heart and has refused to discuss with anybody?

Your phobia isn’t normal and until you take the bold step of addressing it, you will never be completely happy with any woman because like a black cloud each time it promises pure sunshine, the dark clouds would come to cast a shadow over it.

To be able to be truly happy, you have to learn to trust all over again. You have to let go of the shadows of yesterday. You have to realize that while cobwebs are inevitable part of life, when they are allowed to last becomes traps. The beauty about life is allowing the past act as a motivation for the future. We are prone to mistakes and when they come, must be used as a ladder to reach on to better things in life.

This lady has done the right thing about telling you about this man. You won’t be pressurizing her to do as you say if she has kept quiet about this man. Learn to give her the benefit of doubt.

Doubtless her answer sounds provocative, but fighting her won’t make her change her mind. Rather, show her how much you love her as well as her importance to you. When a woman is secured in the love of her man, she will never do anything to hurt him or for him to suspect her.

Showing her that you trust her sufficiently to do her thing is one of the quickest ways of making a woman change her mind about her course of action. At that point one thing runs supreme in her mind, that of not betraying the man who has given her so much trust whereas anger and stubbornness at being told whom she can associate with or not makes her blind to reason.

Just tell her you trust her enough to go with her reasons even if the whole thing makes you very uncomfortable. Telling her about your discomfort would make her a little careful and unlikely to risk losing you.

This attitude would also help you more confident of yourself as a man. Insecurity in a man could lead him to losing his focus in life because the time that would have been spent on productive ventures goes into monitoring and picking needless quarrels with his woman thereby weakening the support base of his home and life.

As the head, you must resist the damaging consequences of insecurity. When in doubt about any situation, always ask questions before complaining or acting.

At 22, there is plenty of time for you to build on your self-confidence to avert the disaster of a broken home as a result of your inability to properly pilot the affairs of your matrimony with the maturity it deserves.

Good luck.

My Ex Put Our Secret Deal On Public Soapbox


Dear Agatha,


I was in a relationship with a man I loved so much until he travelled out. But before he left, something happened between us. My ex-boyfriend said things that scandalized my name which although were false but didn’t go down well with my boyfriend.

Officially, we are still dating but there is another man who has expressed interest in me and I think I like him.

Agatha, I am confused. Please tell me what to do.

Ability.


Dear Ability,

Haven’t you learnt anything from what your former boyfriend said about you? Didn’t you take anything away from that unfortunate episode?

If nothing, it should teach you to be careful about the choices you make as well as the image you project of yourself at all times.

Common sense demands you properly end a relationship before embarking on another one. If you and your current boyfriend are still an item, the best thing is for you to inform him about your change of plan. Since you and this man aren’t married, you still have every right to change your mind, hence should be free to tell him instead of loitering around him while into something new with another man.

Not telling him would only confirm what the other man said about you and could in the long run create some problem for you and this new man of yours who may later too be told about your past.

There is still no substitute to honesty and for a woman that includes self-respect that comes from restraint.

As a young girl with some sort of credibility problem, be careful how you migrate from one man to the other. What makes you so sure you like this man, that he is different from all the other men before him and that you can remain faithful to this one?

Precisely what do you seek in a man? What reasons do you go into a relationship? Who is your ideal man? I ask these questions to help you focus on the more important things in a relationship; those things that will never perish that give frame and flesh to relationship.

Why did you leave your former boyfriend for your current boyfriend? And why do you want to leave him now for this new man? What has this new man to offer which the others before him lacked?

What makes him sufficiently different to make you want to leave this man who despite what your ex said about you still stood by you?

There is more to relationship than a boy meets a girl. It has to have character, strength, and ability to absorb injuries, shocks as well as lift up the couple involved.

While you have every right to do as you like with your emotions, be careful you don’t go into a relationship for the wrong reason. Think and apply the wisdom of God especially now that your current boyfriend is away. Use the opportunity to create by the absence of your boyfriend to ponder on what you want from a relationship and life.

This knowledge would go a long way into helping mould you as well as settle you into a new pattern of life.

Without you first taking this time out to clear your head of the many mistakes you are currently making, you will only end up making things worse for yourself.

In your shoes, I will think before leaping to avoid an unbroken fall. Go into this relationship only when convinced that you are doing the right thing. Even if you are having an issue with your current boyfriend, running away into the arms of another man isn’t the solution because overtime too, this relationship too would begin to show signs of tear and wear. Would you also run away into the arms of another man? If you are serious about growing a relationship, you will stay to work on whatever the problem may be since both of you are two different people trying to make something special happen between the two of you.

It takes a lot of sacrifices and perseverance to make something really good happen.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts


Dear Agatha,

I am a final year law student. I reside and school in Anambra State. I am really an addict of your column. I am also a very prolific writer. I need your help in getting a man who is God fearing, responsible and serious as well as resident in the east for a friend. He must be between the ages of 28 and 30 years of age.

Any interested man can get me through this number, 08074050577.

Queen.




Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your work. I am a widower in my 40s with three children. I am HIV positive but very healthy. I would appreciate a woman who is positive and desirous of marriage. She must be a Christian, endowed with the spirit of oneness, should contact me through this number, 08056215900.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Re: Not Ready To Hook Me, Yet Hangs On

Click here for the original article and comment(s).

My Hatred For Girls, Blame Masturbation


Dear Agatha,


Thanks for all you are doing. There are these problems I need your urgent attention to solve. I don’t know how to deal with them.

First, I masturbate. I have tried to stop it, but to no avail. Secondly, I lack interest in women. If I meet a girl and we become friends, the whole things doesn’t last more than two weeks before I begin to feel hatred towards the woman.

The worst thing is that I don’t make friends easily and the few I make, I lack feelings for them especially the ladies. The strange thing about it all is when we begin; I can go all out to make them feel comfortable. I would stop at nothing to make them happy, including spending a lot of money on material things for them. I can be very extravagant in those early days before I begin to lose interest.

Agatha, you won’t believe this, I have never slept with any of these women or with any woman for that matter.

What do you think is the problem with me? How do I stop masturbating and have a girlfriend in life?

Donald.


Dear Donald,

At what age did you get introduced to the act? How did it all begin? A lot of your attitude towards women could have been informed by the circumstances that led you into masturbation.

And sincerely, there is no way you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman as long as you depend on it to have fulfillment. It is a conscience thing, something that you have no control over, something etched in your sub-consciousness. It would take a lot of will battle on your part to come out of a habit that has almost become your second skin.

To help you beat the habit, ask this all-important question. How do you feel after it all? Do you feel proud of yourself or repulsed at what you are doing? Sex, when done the right way brings along with it a sense of deep fulfillment as well as peace.

It is something you are not ashamed to admit. But can you admit to having sex with yourself among your friends? How does it make you feel when others are talking about their girlfriends as well as their relationships?

You must find a way of falling out of love with yourself, to make room for a woman to be part of your life. There is no way you will find a woman interesting enough for you to stay with her if you are constantly in your thoughts. You have made yourself the competition for other women in your love life.

Masturbation has become your passion, addiction and life. Nobody can help you get rid of the habit until you are ready to give it up.

To help yourself, you must first of all make a determination to stop it at all means. This means diverting your energies to very strenuous exercises whenever the urge comes to make love to yourself. Enlist the help of a trusted friend to be around you, because these initial days are going to be tough and depressive. Tough, because having gotten used to touching yourself, it has become addictive. As with every addiction, the initial period of withdrawal is the most difficult because you will always keep having the urge to do things in what has become the normal way of life to you.

It is also essential you enlist the help of God in this matter. He is more than able to handle all things and has the compassion to overlook all our mistakes.

The next time you see a girl, look for friendship, someone you can talk to and who in turn has a caring heart. Overtime, you will be able to care for each other as well as share things you have never shared with anybody. Your friendship would get to a stage that you will have no inhibitions sharing your past story with her.

Avoid, for now, women that are materialistic in nature, only concerned about what they can get from men. These types of women would only spoil you for that special woman meant to make you a complete man in life.

Good luck.

Monday, September 28, 2009

She’s Committed, But Hard To Be Loyal To Her


Dear Agatha,


I really appreciate and pray God gives you more wisdom for the great work you are doing in this column.

The issue before me is that, I am a Higher National Diploma holder and my fiancée holds a Senior Secondary Certificate. Though I do not take this as a yardstick for my choice of partner, but will it not have effect on me in the future as she has agreed to go into trading?

Another source of worry to me is that I still keep girlfriends despite her faithfulness to me. I honestly want to stop and have assured her over time that I have actually stopped. There is this deep urge within me now to tell her everything I have done to clear my conscience, but I am worried that it might affect our relationship considering she has been very faithful to me. In her shoes, will I be happy?

Please should I just stop and forget about it or is there any need to tell her as means of restitution. Currently, there are four different girls that pass the night in my house. Each time any of them is around, I tell lie to her whenever she calls to know my whereabouts that I am working late in the office.

She presently stays with her parents but do come during the weekends. She suspects, but I covered it all with cooked lies.

Please advise me.

Jonah.


Dear Jonah,

This calls for wisdom. Ideally, the option would be for you to tell her the truth if she has the stamina to forgive and continue the relationship. Some of us simply do not have the right absorbers to soak these types of shock. You have to know her limitations as a person before deciding whether to tell her the truth about your cheating on her or not. It is something you have to do on your own because you know her better than I do.

One thing is clear, if you want to keep this lady, best to let go of all these other girls. Because if she finds out that you have been cheating on her, she would never forgive or trust you again. Keeping four girls outside her is a very careless thing, something any woman would find impossible to forgive or comprehend.

She would never understand what your motivation is or what precisely you are looking for. It is easier to forgive a man with one girlfriend than one whose interest seems permanently etched on the skirts. It would not only destroy her, but also the trust she has for you.

Again, it will call to question your ability to be trusted with any female relative or friend. This indeed would be the greatest challenge the relationship will face and one that in her opinion would weigh heavily against her giving you another chance into her life.

That you are into four women at a time shows there is problem somewhere with you or the relationship. It is either you are an incurable Casanova or deep down not satisfied with this woman and relationship. If the former is your challenge, you definitely need both determination as well as the presence of God to fight the habit, else you not only end up hurting this woman but also yourself in the process. This is because by the time you realise the harm you are doing to yourself, you would have lost the most important relationship in your life.

But if it has to do with the former, you must be ready to face whatever truth you have been trying desperately to hide. There is no better time than now to let her know what your real fears are especially if it has to do with what you consider to be her inadequate educational status, and her decision to go into trading. Though you are still trying to deny that it isn’t a problem with you, the fact that you mentioned it and think it could be a problem is enough indication that it is an issue with you.

So you must first of all examine how you feel about her educational status. Are you comfortable with it? Be honest and tell yourself the truth. Do you wish she had a higher educational qualification? Admit it, and don’t pretend to yourself, because that will be your undoing in life.

Tell yourself how you feel. It would make the problem easier for you to deal with and make solution easier to source. This way you will be able to confront her with your discomfort as well as discuss the likely consequences of her decision on your relationship later in life.

Because you haven’t admitted the problem to yourself, you are finding solace in the arms of other women thinking it would help you forget the issue nagging you about her. I suspect you want a woman who has higher education, one you can gladly introduce as a graduate. The fact that she is simply a secondary school holder doesn’t exactly sit well with you. It could be a reason for your misbehaviour and will continue to be an excuse for you to cheat on your wife.

Discuss with her. Let her know what you think about her refusal to want to further her education and how it would eventually affect your chances at being happy together. Encourage her to go for any part-time programme in addition to her desire to trade. In discussing this with her, don’t make it sound as if without her going back to school, you will terminate your interest in her. But at least her knowing how much it is affecting you as well as the possibility of making you interested in another woman.

Whatever your reasons are for going into all these affairs, you owe it to yourself most importantly to get rid of this habit especially as it concerns your health. With the number of sexually related diseases around, how do you keep yourself safe from these cocktails of women you are involved with? And should you come down with something, who will you suspect to be the culprit?

Whatever the shortcomings of your girlfriend are in terms of her educational status, don’t throw away something as precious as truelove, what this woman have, none of those women has. You can if you are determined to do away with them. Just ask God for His help.

Good luck.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Can A Reticent Lover Be Trusted?


Dear Agatha,


I am a frequent reader of your column and a 400-level student at the University of Port-Harcourt.

I am 22 years of age. There is this guy I met when I was in my 100 Level that claims to be in love with me. He is also in his 400 Level and 23 years of age. We have been friends since then and he has never ceased to profess his love for me till date.

However there is a slight problem in our relationship. Despite admiring and being fond of him, he doesn’t call me; this I find very annoying.

He is always saying he doesn’t have money to buy credit, a fact I find disputable as a result of his lifestyle. He stays in a very comfortable place in school, dresses well, owns a personal computer and uses a very good phone. He lives comfortably. I find it hard to believe he cannot buy N100 credit to call at least once a week just to say hi. The funniest part is that I call him regularly and he is always very happy whenever I call yet he cannot do the same.

I tried limiting my calls to him as well as visits, to see if he would be forced to call but he hasnot changed. We however chat online sometimes. How can you claim to love someone you cannot go out of your way to call at least once in two weeks? I sincerely do not understand that part. Aside this, he is very nice and friendly so much so everyone in school wants to be his friend but he prefers me as his special friend which is all right by me.

Angela.


Dear Angela,

Growing a relationship entails a lot of sacrifices. It goes beyond the chemistry that brought a couple together. Having studied him sufficiently to know one of his drawbacks is not to phone, concentrate on his good sides, that side of him that brings the best out of you. For both of you to have stayed together for three years shows that the relationship is meaningful to both of you. Despite the challenge of his refusal to call you, you both enjoy being in each other’s company.

There are still some people who simply don’t think phoning or sending text messages is necessary. They don’t think it is such a big deal at all and often than not wonder why their partners are making mountain out of molehills.

No matter how much you try to convince him on the need for him to keep the communication going, he will never really understand it the way you do because it is simply not his thing. You are the one that has to learn to accept him the way he is else you end up hurting yourself in the process of trying to reason out why he doesn’t take the pleasure of calling or sending you text messages. I appreciate it can be very frustrating especially if you are the kind that take delight in constantly talking to your mate but when one is in a relationship with a person whose communication habit is minus zero, it helps to try to accept things the way they are.

Relationship cannot be perfect because we all come in with inherent faults. It takes determination, selflessness, acceptance of the situation as well as patience to make the difference in a particular relationship. To help you get a better understanding of what you are expected to do, look at your own faults. What are they and how well is he learning to cope with it?

Imperfection is what makes us so unique and exciting.

To enjoy this relationship, look at what he has that you cannot get from another man, like his character strength, his support of you as well as the amount of respect he has for your person. There are issues that are oftentimes more important than those we play up in a relationship. As a woman I appreciate how you feel, making all the calls while he laps them all up, but when trying understand yourself, things like this are expected.

For now, don’t crowd the relationship with too many demands or expectations. Just take each day as it comes and learn first to be a good and understanding friend he obviously need now. At 23 and 22, friendship is what matters the most now.

Good luck.

I Suspect She’s In Love With Another Man


Dear Agatha,


I am 24 years of age in a month old relationship with a “supposed innocent” lady. We work in the same place. When I met her, she told me she wasn’t into any relationship. A month into our relationship, I am beginning to feel insecure. I suspect she is dating another guy in my office. I love her, and wouldn’t want to lose her. Do I ask her now? How do I know she truly loves me? What are the possible tests to check her love for me?

Worried Guy.


Dear Worried Guy,

Since you think she is dating another man in your office, ask her to prevent the mistake of accusing her wrongly. Whether she denies it or not, at least it would be on record that you asked.

However, it is also important you have some facts to knock off any reason she may have not to answer your question. It would be complete disaster if you have nothing to hold on to. It could create the problem of trust for both of you. If it is only a simple case of a hunch, be diplomatic when approaching her with your suspicions. Instead of making a big deal out of it, restrict your inquisition to mere question of wanting to know why she seems so close to this particular guy you suspect. Let her know, before even telling her about it that you are not accusing her of anything but just asking because you are curious of the nature of relationship between them.

Also, let her understand your concern of the mess it could create since you all work in the same place if people who know the two of you as lovers begin to suspect she is also involved with the guy.

Make her appreciate that she would end up being the loser as it would call to question her moral credentials.

But if your suspicion is more than guts feeling, the best thing for you after asking her is to consider ending the relationship considering the possibility of you being the newer man in her life given the fact that your relationship with her is under a month old. You must apply a lot of caution and wisdom here to avoid you sacrificing your career for something, which isn’t worth it at the end of the day.

If you need this career, learn to keep romance out of official settings else you could end up stepping on toes capable of casing you economic hiccup.

Good luck.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

He Is Having An Affair And Treats Me Shabbily


Dear Agatha,


My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage. He used to be such a loving and caring husband, always ready to help me with the housework, sometimes even offering to share the cooking of the meals with me.

However, last year after the birth of our daughter, he changed from the loving man I have always known him to be. Unlike my previous births, this time, I sensed reluctance in him each time I pleaded with him to help cook or wash the baby’s clothes.

I pretended not to notice to avoid problems at home, especially as my sister-in-law was around to help.

Even in the night when I woke him up to help with the baby, he would pretend not to hear me or simply walk away from the room. It got to a point I couldn’t tolerate his treatment of me any more so I blew my top.

It was during our exchange I discovered he had this built up anger against me. He said so many things which all came as a huge shock to me. He practically accused me of capitalising on his good nature to turn him into my houseboy. He said I had gotten so lazy I now expect him to do the dishes, cooking and washing of the clothes, which I order him to do even when there are guests in the house.

Shock gave way to anger and I also said some unprintable words to him, including calling him ‘callous’ and ‘a weakling’ because I sensed his sister and his friends who have never liked me put him up to it. I was hurt so I didn’t think twice about giving it back to him.

After that things were no longer the same at home. He refused to help me with the housework leaving me to do everything at home. This attitude of his got me so angry; I also refused to wash his clothes or go out to do any special work in the house beyond what I could handle.

This continued for a while until I found out recently through a friend of mine that he is having an affair. On my own, I have found this to be true and I am so pained I don’t know how to go about it.

My friends are all warming up for a fight with the lady who we discovered lives not very far from his office.

But I sense he is aware, I know because recently he warned me not to do anything stupid else I won’t like what I would get in return. He has also stopped eating my food on the grounds that I don’t wash his clothes or cook his meals.

My mother thinks I am wrong and that fighting him or the woman would not resolve this problem; that I should rather beg him to change his mind. But why should he treat me like this? First, as if I am his house help and now go with another woman?

I am determined to wrest my home back from this woman. What do you think I should do?

Lucia.


Dear Lucia,

Don’t make the fatal mistake of going to fight him as advised by your friends. To do that is to foreclose any chance both of you have of redeeming the marriage from the problems presently confronting both of you.

Irrespective of what you think, your friends don’t mean well for you. If they do, they won’t be urging you to fight a man that seems to have already made up his mind to quit the marriage.

You will only be giving him a reason to justify his actions. When issues like this come up, it is always best for the woman in the house to take things easy if she desires to continue in the marriage.

In this type of situation, plenty of wisdom is required to scale the hurdle, especially as there is another woman involved. Any wrong move could see you vacating your home for the other woman. Good wisdom requires you beg him to come home first to enable you both discuss where you have each gotten it all wrong.

Your mother is giving you the benefit of her own experience as a married woman. She knows that it takes a lot more than a physical fight to get a marriage going.

In the first place, what are your duties as a woman, wife and mother? When you went into marriage, what were you expecting? That the man would cook your meals, wash your clothes and clean after you in addition to playing his role as the breadwinner of the home? Even if you are the breadwinner, your duties as a wife are well defined. Your reason for getting married is to set up your home and you don’t do that by dragging your man through the mud. The moment a woman steps out of her family home into her matrimonial home, a lot of things must change about her. She has to subject her ways to that of her man, while nobody is saying you lack the right to express your opinion, demand for his help in executing your duties as a wife, but there are subtle ways of doing it without making it obvious that you expect him to.

Honestly, you didn’t handle things well in your home. He elected to help you with the housework because he loves and respects you. Whatever illusions you come with, the naked truth remains washing, cleaning and cooking of the meals are strictly under your department as the woman of the house. He only offered you his helping hands to make things easy for you, something a lot of men don’t have time for.

The way you carried on about his offer made it appear as if you wanted the housework done by both of you on equal basis. You have no right to order him but to plead with him with love and humility to help you. A woman can get a man to do almost anything for her if she knows how to massage his ego and plead her way into his heart. Demanding it of him in the presence of his friends and family, underscores disrespect for him as well as humiliation of his person and position as the head of the home.

It was very unwise to have stopped washing his clothes, tending to the house as you used to. Your attitude showed that you actually expected him to do all these things for you. A very wrong attitude from a woman desirous of building a viable home.

The best you could have done is to passionately plead with him to consider taking his clothes to the dry-cleaners to make the work load at home light for you and give you time to attend to him personally. It would still have amounted to you not washing his clothes but without the bitterness and problems you have created by your negligence.

An average man would automatically interpret your attitude as being tired of the marriage, hence the freedom to look for another woman who knows how to please her man.

Even if he was looking for an opportunity to play the field before, you unwittingly gave him reason to. Do as your mother has said, beg him to come to the house. Don’t end there, also beg forgiveness for taking him for granted because that is precisely what you did.

As for the other woman, she would fizzle out of the scene once you are able to get your man back home into your loving arms without you fighting and washing all your marital linen in the public. Everyone has an issue with his or her marriage but it is wise to keep it within the four walls of the home. I am sure those friends, who are urging you to go also have issues in their marriages, but are wise to keep it under the carpet.

You can only get him to apologise for betraying your marriage by first begging him to forgive you.

Marriage is about appreciating and respecting our different roles in the home. God didn’t make a mistake by putting the man above the woman.

Good luck.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Having Gotten Hints On My Profile, She Goes Gaga


Dear Agatha,

You have been a blessing to me over the years, by offering very candid advice to troubled hearts on relationships.

I recently felt moved to speak to a sister, who has been attending the same church as I. Indeed, I have known her from afar off for a fairly long time now. We have been going out for sometime now, and on one occasion she admitted to me having everything she has always hoped for in a man.

Although I have tried my best to make her accept me for who I am, remind her of that statement, she remained unimpressed until a couple in the church, who know me outside the church told her about me and where I worked.

Since then, I noticed that her attitude towards me changed dramatically. I am confused because I do not want to become husband to a woman who is marrying me for my status or material things. I would have preferred she didn’t know my place of work until she had considered me on the right and enduring values.

Zip.


Dear Zip,

Her knowing about your status has done no great harm. A lot now depends on your ability to extract from her disposition towards you, what is real and unreal about her.

Having detected traces of materialism in her, keep your eyes open for those characteristics, and that would properly highlight her person to you. Don’t rush things, take each day as it comes with her by, for now, playing down on your desire to marry her. Insist on doing things the right way by keeping to the creed friendship. Being friends would enable both of you gauge your strengths, determine your suitability for each other, point you at the things you have to play up in your relationship that will eventually help you make up your mind about her.

Also learn to be your natural self, don’t go out of your way to begin something you will not be able to continue in the name of trying to sustain a relationship. Anything you do for her must come from your mind and must never be an act of enticement, else you find yourself with the continuous problem of doing everything to satisfy her, even when it isn’t convenient for you.

Don’t make the mistake a lot of men do in their bid to keep a woman at all cost. When a man pretends to be what he isn’t or cannot afford to please a woman, he digs the grave of perpetual unhappiness. The woman will never understand the word lack or no sufficient funds for the simple reason that the man has always given her everything she requested for.

If you invest on the important things as well as ignoring sex between the two of you until your wedding night, you will be able to tell with some certainty if she is actually interested in your money or person.

Being a Christian, commit your affairs into the hands of God since He is the creator of relationships.

Good luck.

Before He Jumps Into Marriage Without Kit…


Dear Agatha,


The blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ will continue to give you wisdom, as you use it to touch the lives of the children of God.

I have this friend in Nigeria who, to the best of my knowledge, is currently unemployed and has a very pious nature. You can therefore imagine my surprise when he recently called to inform me of his decision to marry. Worried, I questioned him about his decision to marry at the age of 25 without a job and third level certificate.

Again, his answer threw up a deep worry inside of me. His reason for wanting to marry the girl, whom he doesn’t love, was because he deflowered her and is therefore feeling guilty.

According to him, he has asked this girl out, but found himself in this uncompromising situation when he went to her house and found her alone. He said he couldn’t explain what came over the girl, but before he knew what was happening, two of them were in bed. And that was how they both had sex for the first time.

Agatha, I know him to be a devout Christian, who had always nursed the ambition to be a catholic priest.

To be sincere to you, the same girl wanted to lure me into bed with her when I was about to travel to Europe last year in the same house because she lives with one of our best friends.

I am beginning to wonder if this girl is possessed by evil spirit. Now my friend is pushing for marriage with this girl without giving it any thought whatsoever. He doesn’t have a job and has only sat for aptitude test at University of Nigeria Nnsuka.

The parents are very poor though they have told him to go ahead with his decision. I have warned him that all those that promised him financial assistance may not be forthcoming when the going gets tough. Please I need your help because I wouldn't want him to enter into marriage without a job. Though I am not advising him to leave the girl since his conscience is disturbing him. But to stand first and discern whether the girl is for him really, as time goes on, the future will tell. By then he must have something doing that would help both of them if God wills their marriage.

Cone.


Dear Cone,

You have done your bit as a friend. From experiences, it is always difficult to convince someone who has made up his or her mind about a decision he or she is determined to execute.

And the matters of the heart are the most difficult to advise people on. Your friend is determined to go ahead with his decision to marry this girl because he has convinced himself as the right thing to do. Whatever you feel at this point in time doesn’t matter to him as long as he is able to achieve his desire to be with this lady.

Irrespective of what your fears are, he seems an honourable and determined young man. These are qualities that would see him succeeding in anything he applies his mind on.

At this, don’t try to dissuade him against marrying this lady, but that of encouraging him to further his studies. Also advise him to get something to do to enable him meet the challenges of caring for his wife.

You can also help him by telling him to discuss the obvious challenges associated with marrying without a visible income with his wife to be. So doing would help clear to an extent any idealistic scale the lady in particular may have. She may not be really possessed as you think, but responding to the potency of the hormones inside of her. For some women, mismanagement of the sexual hormones could cause misbehaviour, cause them to act in a way many would suspect them to be under some spiritual influences.

As a young girl, who hasn’t slept with a man before, and who is desirous of doing so, the sexual aches of her body make everyman insight the ideal one for her. You were able to escape, but your friend fell into this trap that is as old as time itself.

This is why you must be careful on how you intervene because it could work out for both of them, while you risk becoming the enemy of a dear friend for refusing her advances and also trying to destroy her happiness through your friend. When two people are determined to be together, the wise thing is for a third party to stay away. She isn’t unaware of the situation of her husband and can’t be so naïve as not to know that a jobless man cannot meet her financial expectations. Even a child knows the effect of staying with parents that are jobless, not to talk of someone her age. If sex were her motive for going ahead with the marriage, she would soon find out that marriage doesn’t survive on sex alone. It takes more than a man and woman sleeping together to do that. Let experience teach them the lesson of life, that way, nobody would accuse you of being the stumbling block to their happiness. You have done the best a friend can do on this matter. It is high time you stopped trying to make him see things your way, learn to commit them to the hands of God instead. He is the only one capable of doing all things and making seemingly impossible situations possible.

If there is anything you can offer him, please do, to help him begin something to enable him pay his bills as a married man as well as improve on his lot in life.

It is the least you can do for him in current situation he has found himself.

Good luck.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Expelled In Final Year For Writing Her Paper…


Dear Agatha,


I just want to say that you are God sent. I am very confident that you will solve my problem the way you resolve other people’s problems.

February last year I was expelled from school due to examination malpractice for helping someone I loved and thought was in love with me write her examination.

I developed the habit of helping write her examination from our first year in school. It was in our final year that luck ran out on me. I got caught, faced the school senate and was found guilty that led to my expulsion from school.

During this period she was extra nice to me, always there for me because I lied to the senate that I wrote the examinations for her without her knowledge and permission because she wasn’t feeling fine.

She currently serves (NYSC) in Lagos and sometimes invites me over to spend time with her almost every month until January this year when she eventually got a job and the whole story changed.

She stopped calling me and when I call her, she would refuse to pick her call except I hid my number or use a pay phone. Three months after, I decided to visit her and was told she had moved out by one of her close friends who lived close to her. She was surprised that I didn’t know my girlfriend had packed out. She volunteered to take me to her new apartment, a three bedroom flat.

Agatha, can you believe she didn’t even tell me all these until I saw things for myself. Her friend didn’t bother to follow me inside. She simply pointed the house to me and left with the excuse of having an important thing to do elsewhere.

A young man in boxers called out to her to come and see who was looking for her. When she saw me she was shocked but recovered sufficiently to deny knowing me. I got angry and raised my voice at her prompting the man to come out to ask what the problem was. She called me a tout, a thief as well as one of those 419 people who move around.

Left with no choice, I told the man the entire story about us, but she kept denying it. He ordered me to leave, but I refused insisting I made her who she is and that he has no right to take her away from me.

We eventually got into a fight, which landed both of us at the Police Station. He was released that day because I fought him in his house while I was detained for two days before I was allowed to go when a close friend of mine showed up.

Agatha, I want to know where I went wrong. She has forgotten so soon that I became a drop out because of her.

She would be getting married by next month. Should I go and disrupt the wedding ceremony during the church service?

It has been six months now. I am lonely and heartbroken. I need you to hook me up with someone who will love me for who I am. I know my story is very shameful, but I simply must move on. I don’t want to die young. Each day I get inspiration from your page, hence inspired to share this with you. Please I need you to help me fast.

This is my number, 07059237604. The interested woman should from this beginning to appreciate me for who I am. I also want to thank Independent Newspaper Limited for this column.

Luwis.


Dear Luwis,

It is unfortunate you have to be so treated by the woman you thoughtlessly gave up your future for. Being in love doesn’t mean one should be stupid and careless. Love is about responsibility for the person you are in love with and to yourself.

Writing her examinations from your first year until your final year when you were caught isn’t love. In the first place, you weren’t doing her any good by taking such thoughtless risks for her.

What you should have done then was to help her with her studies, not write all her examinations for her.

Her attitude isn’t new. She has always manifested it, but because you were too busy and involved with your feelings for her, you didn’t bother to notice. A woman truly in love would have elected at the most crucial point of your rustication to tell the truth with the intentions of trying to get you off the hook.

You were just a willing tool for her to go through the university.

As things are now, don’t make further fool of yourself by trying to fight your way back into her life. Despite your present pitiable condition, she doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t need such a cold-minded woman in your life.

To have denied knowing you, called you a fraudster shows she is capable of doing anything. So, beware and allow her be. She was never meant to be yours and would never be.

Going to her wedding ceremony is needless. You will only be humiliating yourself the more and exposing issues you shouldn’t. Rather, give God all the glory for allowing what happened to you, because if you are serious you will use it to rise again.

Rather than waste precious time trailing her, trying to make her pay for your self-imposed sacrifices, why not think of going back to school. You may have been rusticated from one university, but that doesn’t mean life must come to an end for you.

Get a job and go back for a part-time programme. It is the only way to show people like her that you may be down now, but not out. Hope only comes to an end when one is dead. You are still alive and able to regain much more than you have lost before.

The lesson in all this is simply for you to be honest and focused in life. Had you a focus back then, you would have been careful about doing what you did. Your focus would have been your target.

The only way to get back at this lady is to stop acting desperately, do something useful with your life. Yes, you need a woman to fill the void created by loneliness, but you also need a dream, quality life to be able to keep this woman happy. Your new woman should be made to cope with your mistakes of the past.

Again, to be truly happy with yourself, as well as trust any woman the debris of the past must be thoroughly swept away. And it is only by going back to school and making a useful life (for yourself) that this can be possible.

I appreciate the pains of beginning something you have gone through before, but at the end of the day, it is your only way of revenge, especially to this woman who thinks life has come to an end for you.

A man must have a dream in life to be called a man. Wallowing in pity would only serve to justify her reason for quitting the relationship. In life, there is no room for self-pity. All the time you were going to her, she saw self-pity as well as desperation by you to continue to hold her accountable and responsible for what befell you. Remember, when the chips are down, it was your choice to sit for all her examinations, she didn’t force you to. Always remember this bitter pill of reality, because herein lies your ability to rise again from all these.

At this point, learn to pray for strength as well as determination to move beyond this point.

I am sure an interested woman would get in touch with you through the number you have left.

Good luck.

How Does Woman Know Man That Fits?


Dear Agatha,


Please how can one tell a particular man that he is meant to be the special man in a woman’s life? How would the woman know he would be her husband?

Confused Lady.


Dear Confused Lady,

There are no hard and fast rules about it. But there are basic things a woman who is on the look out for a man must know. She has to begin from herself. Unless a woman knows what she wants from life, know the type of man who can help her achieve these dreams. She would not know what to look out for beyond the general and often irritating tall, rich and handsome qualities a lot of young women canvas.

So, what are your dreams in life, the type of marriage you want?

When you know, it will be easier for a woman to recognise the man who fits into her life. Then the idea of being tall and rich, would feature less to other qualities the man must have. For instance, she would be able to know if the man is responsible, respectful and has the required drive to make it in life.

A man can have physical beauty but out-rightly ugly inside of him. Whereas, someone who is considered not so good looking, may end up being the most beautiful person on the inside.

So, a lot depends on the type of man a woman wants to live with in her life. The choice of a good or bad husband depends on what she wants. Out there are so many men with diverse qualities for every woman to make a choice. When a woman knows what she wants, getting the right man is very easy.

Good luck.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

At 28, I Have No Girl In My Life


Dear Agatha,

May the Almighty God continue to bless you for the good work you are doing. I am 28 year old and don’t even have a girlfriend. I have tried, but all in vain.

Uchenna.



Dear Uchenna,

It takes courage and confidence to approach a woman. Just learn to be sure of what you want in your woman and look for a woman who has some of the features.

To get it right, look beyond the physical appearances to the inner qualities in a woman. Many a time, people concentrate more on what the person looks like than who the person really is. There are some people with beautiful features on the outside, but have ugly interiors. When it comes to conducting a successful relationship, it is whom we are on the inside that makes the whole lot of difference.


Another mistake you must never make is to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time that you love her. It is a great put off. Begin by offering to be her friend, nothing complicated or demanding. Give time the chance to berth it right.


A woman is more relaxed and accommodating when a man offers her friendship first. This way, she is able to be herself, enjoy the companionship as well as express herself without reservation. This way, a man gets the rare opportunity of observing her at close quarters and making up his mind.


There are a lot of issues to be discussed other than romance when a man and woman get together to be friends.


Also learn to be your natural self. It is important.


Good luck.

He Can’t Honour His Words On Premarital Sex


Dear Agatha,


I am 22 years of age and have been in this relationship for three years with a guy that introduced me to the Bible and taught me everything I know today about the ways of God.


When we started, he was very clear on his stance on premarital sex. Then he told me why we shouldn’t engage in it and how sex doesn’t demonstrate love.


But all these seem to have changed, as he is now demanding for sex. It all started this year. When the demand became too much, I allowed him to have a preview of my body, but didn’t allow him to sleep with me. I have tried unsuccessfully to convince him of the need to maintain the status quo, but he insists it is the only way I can show him I love him.


Agatha, I love him so much and would not want to lose him, but how can I stop him from making these sexual demands?


Angel.



Dear Angel,

Stand your ground because this man isn’t real and is inconsistent. A man who preaches one thing this minute and does another thing the next cannot be trusted.
From the pressure he is now putting on you to have sex, it is obvious his intentions for you were never honourable, but done to gain your trust and understanding to enable him gain access into your heart.

With the unfolding drama playing itself out now, there is the need for you to be careful to avoid making one of the most painful mistakes many women make at your age.


It is either he waits until your wedding night to have sex with you or allow you be. Don’t fall for his emotional blackmail, because there is no telling with this kind of man. If he finds it so easy to jettison his biblical teachings for the pleasure of his desire for your body, there is nothing to stop him from leaving you after you have capitulated your body to him. He would always have a reason to justify whatever action he takes.


If you decide to stay with him, you will need the wisdom and help of God to cope with him because he appears to be very calculative and with such a man or person, you have to be on constant alert to prevent being caught unawares.


For now, avoid being in a private place with him, because he could force you to heed to him if he runs out of patience of pleading with you. He would definitely apologise later, but the harm would have been done. So, in your own interest, be careful.


Exposing your body to him was the height of temptation, something you must never do again unless you have made up your mind about going all the way. Even if he intended it as a test of your will, you failed because at that point he could have done anything with you and he won’t be found guilty. Don’t ever allow yourself to be pushed into a situation you don’t want. A man determined to stay with a woman would do so whether she gives in to his sexual advances or not. It is called respect for her. If this man has any deep feelings for you, he would endure the inconveniences placed on him by his desires. It is called sacrifices for the sake of love. It isn’t as if couples that decide to wait until their wedding night don’t feel the heat generated by a man and woman being in constant company of each other, but have developed the discipline and respect for each other to endure the situation.


It is this discipline your boyfriend should have brought to play as he started out preaching the Bible to you.


However, it is important you make use of this opportunity to evaluate your relationship. From what is happening, can you really say you know him, can vouch for him at all times? Do you still have the confidence you had in him as when you first started out? How would you rate your three years with him especially in the light of his present behaviour?


Perhaps now is the right time to confront him on his true nature. Challenge him to tell you what he really feels about sex. Tell him that having stayed with him for three years, you have what it takes to handle the truth about him. It is important you know the truth about him because without you having the true image of him, there is no way this relationship can move beyond this point.


You must know the real person behind the mask. It is apparent that you have little or no inkling about him at all. During the talk let him also know what your views are on the issue of premarital sex as well as your determination to stick to your resolution.


The talk will definitely help both of you move the relationship forward by giving you fresh perspective into your relationship.


Being the nature of men, there is little or nothing you can do to stop him from asking for sex. You can only keep resisting him until he gets the message that you are serious about it.


As for losing him, if he isn’t yours in the first place, there is little or nothing you can do to keep him. Even if you sleep with him everyday, he will still go away. So, there is no reason for you to be afraid of a situation you have no control over. Only God can do it for you, hence you should learn to trust him more because this situation could be working in your advantage.


Good luck.

My Only Man Engages In Multi-girl Deals


Dear Agatha,


Please I need your urgent help. I have a boyfriend whose friend told me that another girl has just given birth to a baby girl for him. I also found out that asides this girl, there is another girl he is sponsoring in school, whom he hopes to marry.

My major problem is that he is the only boyfriend I have, because I don’t believe in dating two men at a time. Please what do I do?

Udochi.



Dear Udochi,

If your information concerning this man is anything to go by, I dare say you are wasting your precious time with him. Already, there are two women in his life, one he is sponsoring in school and the other, the mother of his child.


You don’t have a place in his life unless of course you want to tag along in his already emotionally crowded schedule.


There is nothing stopping you from quitting this relationship and finding another man. So the excuse that you are staying, because he is the only man in your life isn’t tenable at all. You are either staying, because you are afraid of letting go or think you may be unable to attract another man.


If you don’t have the confidence in yourself to move ahead when the signals are pointing at the wrong direction, you risk opening yourself up for more pains and disappointments.


While you should do the right thing by confronting him with the information you have to avoid falling victim to malicious intentions, be prepared to quit if the information you have is true. This is because you don’t have this man at all. Hence, you have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain by counting your losses now and moving on to better things in life.


Even if you decide to brave his deceit, can you endure the quality of his feelings towards you? Do you think you have his loyalty, love and support?


Do you think you can endure the attendant problems of having to fight two other women, who have more claims to him for a love you don’t even know if he has for you or you for him?


Your reason for being with him isn’t because you love him, but because he is the only man in your life. This isn’t enough reason for you to tie yourself down. Only love can give you the strength to fight for the survival of a difficult relationship. Without it you will have nothing, but very painful testimonies to give.


I am also worried about your lack of a clear focus for yourself. It is the drive you need to move ahead in life, to have the stamina to take quick decisions over matters such as this.


Besides, your stepping aside would give him the freedom to face his problems without undue pressures from you. If at the end of the day, God ordained both of you to be together, he would come back. But for now, it is in your interest to step aside and give yourself the chance to be happy.


Good luck.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Any Sure Remedy To Wet Dreams?


Dear Agatha,


There is this problem I am currently facing and don’t know how to get out from. I always have wet dream up to five times in a month to the extent my sperm has became watery and one of my testis is as tiny as beans. I don't know if there is any remedy for it like drug or food I can use to increase my sperm count. I have prayed to God for divine deliverance but the problem has persisted.


Vidic.



Dear Vidic,

God gave doctors the wisdom to cure. He only steps in the situation when doctors have given up hope. When doctors’ report predicts hopelessness, not in a situation where you haven’t even seen a doctor to examine you, diagnose what the problem is with you. It is when the world fails to find a cure that God steps in to demonstrate His awesomeness. There is no way a student who fails to prepare for an examination would pray to God, expecting miracles to happen just like that. So, asking God for abstracts won’t work. This isn’t an exercise for faith, but that of facing reality. You have a medical condition, which doctors can treat easily.

Doctors didn’t get their knowledge from the devil. They got it from God, like they always tell you theirs is to cure while God does the healing.


God isn’t a magician. He doesn’t work that way. So, you first have to go and see a doctor whose gift from God is to help put a name and find a cure to our medical problems.


Wet dreams aren’t so much of an issue even though in some cases, it shows the presence of psychological problem somewhere.


But there is no way you can be sure your sperm is watery or that the size of your testis has any negative effect unless you subject yourself to the expert knowledge of a trained mind.


Doctors don’t bite. Go to any government hospital near you and tell them your medical problem. This is a pure medical problem, one that I don’t have answers for.


The danger of waiting is the chances of you accruing avoidable complications in your health condition. Don’t delay because it could have very damaging effects. If you can’t go alone, get a friend to accompany you to the hospital, especially if have phobia for hospitals like me.


You will, at least, know what you are up against by the time the doctor examines you.


This is not to say you shouldn’t pray, but it is good you know what you are asking God for. Go to the doctors for the cure and allow God to do the healing. God works perfectly with nature. He gave the knowledge and wisdom to each of us to glorify His name. Going to see a doctor doesn’t make you less of a Christian or doubtful of God’s awesomeness.


Good luck.

Extend Your Couselling Arsenal To The Masses, Please


Dear Agatha,


I give God the glory for your life, by using you to affect many lives positively in the world. Please I would love you to extended your columns as well as the talk you held last time at Airport Hotel to rural areas like villages, local towns, schools, markets and churches, because you can reach out more to many youths who need counselling there.


I made this plea as a result of many young boys and girls, who are out there and don’t care to read newspapers at all.


You must find a way of getting them to listen to the problems of their lives as well as solutions. It is important you and your management think of ways of helping these categories of Nigerians to live a more responsible life.


Worried Youth.


Dear Worried Youth,

Your concern is noted. We promise you that the next time the ••Just Before Valentine•• programme comes up it will be in one of the places you mentioned. Lack of funds denied the programme this year. If we get the right sponsors, we would hit the streets.

But the youths too should make the effort to read because our paper is well circulated and available in these places you have mentioned. They have to read the paper first to get the awareness for whatever programme this paper would be putting up for them. So, people like you also have the responsibility of creating the awareness and thirst in their hearts.


Agatha.



Lonely Heart


Dear Agatha,

God will favour you more than you ever hope and dream for, because of your selfless service to humanity. He won’t forget your own problems. May God fill your mouth with gratitude.

I am interested in establishing a relationship with a lady who must be God fearing, a good communicator, truthful, educated, a devoted Muslim between the ages of 20-28 years of age.

I reside in Lagos. Would appreciate SMS only to 07090146311 or an email to, ••hammeddaramola@yahoo.com••

Abolore.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Can’t Take Him To My Village Without Concrete Love Dealr


Dear Agatha,


I have been in love with the first man I fell in love with for two years now. He claims to love me and I love him too. He never fails to come to see me at home daily. However, I noticed that each time he is with me, there is this number that always calls, which he doesn’t pick in my presence.


This has happened more than three times. Recently I was forced to ask who this particular caller was and why he doesn’t like answering the call in my presence. He told me the caller is always in the habit of beeping him and asked if I suspect him of trying to keep something away from me.


When I told him that it doesn’t appear as if this caller was beeping, he came with the excuse that this caller likes his caller tune, which I am aware he recently added to his phone.


Frankly, this is making me to have second thoughts about him. Even though I have told him on more than two occasions that I am not interested in him, he hasn’t stopped visiting or calling me.


Each time he reprimands me for a naughty action, I always refer him to the secret caller, a reference he seems to dislike with passion. On some occasions he has reminded me of the fact that he hasn’t introduced me to anybody, hence free to kiss or cuddle a lady on his laps, but that whatever he does with any lady is unimportant because what he feels for me is very special.


Agatha, don’t you think he could change overnight if I fully give him my love? He doesn’t appear to be serious with me notwithstanding his claims of love for me. Once, he asked me to take him to my village. When I asked him why he wanted to go to my village, he said he just wanted to know my village. Knowing the deductions people in the village would come up with should I be seen with him, I declined. Part of my reasons for not taking him to the village also had to do with what I told my parents that whosoever I bring to the village would be my husband, something I had stuck to all these while. I don’t know what he has in his mind. How can I take him to my parents without our first discussing the terms of our relationship? We must agree on something before I can take him to them. Agatha, do you think it is fair? I am so confused about him, what do I do?


B.B.



Dear B.B.

If for two years you have been dating a man you aren’t sure of, then something is fundamentally wrong somewhere. It is either you don’t know what you want from life or both of you are playing a game with each other’s emotions.

In the first instance, why would you waste 24 months on a relationship you are not certain of, a relationship where you have doubts about the man and his motives?


It is either you are in a relationship or not. Having dated this man for two years, what do you think of him? What have you learnt about him other than this mysterious caller whose calls he refuses to take when you are around?


The worst kind of harm you can do to a relationship and yourself is to speculate about the intentions or motive of the other person. It is either you trust his excuse or you don’t. To stay with him and still doubt his motive is harming yourself more than you know.


Get everything in the open. Let him know what precisely you think of him, his attitude, his way of life as well as his sincerity. Your two years together have given you the right to ask questions on areas of doubt in this relationship. Ask him questions on issues you don’t understand at all.


If he has asked you to take him to the village, it means he has something up his sleeve. Instead of declining to take him to the village without any explanation, you should have told him why you didn’t want him to go yet. He would have understood your reasons better than you just telling him an outright no. Sincerely, it wasn’t fair of you to do that because he might go away with the impression that you don’t feel anything for him.


While I agree that both of you should first have a discussion before going to your parents, the fact remains that you have been too encouraging. Telling him you are no longer interested in him while you still welcome him into your home gives a conflicting signal. He could be scared that discussing his plans with you at this point may be counterproductive.


For this reason you must make up your mind now on what you want from him and this relationship, because after a while, he would get tired of giving you subtle hints on how he feels.


Even if he has another relationship and despite you telling him of your disinterest in him, he keeps coming to your house and as well calls you almost everyday, shows you occupy a special place in his heart.


Show him some encouragement. It doesn’t mean you have to do what you shouldn’t do, but let him also know that he isn’t hitting a brick wall with you.


Good luck.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

How Do I Win Her?


Dear Agatha,


I like the way you have been solving people’s problems.

Would appreciate if you come to my aid by giving tips on how to get this lady I am interested in to accept me.

Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,

The first tip is sincerity in all ramifications. Tell her everything she needs to know about you. Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep and never lie about what you don’t have or have.

Despite what a lot of men think, that women like being lied to, there are still many women who appreciate being told the truth.

Don’t also rush her or yourself in the process of falling in love. The trick is to take each day as it comes because many a time what we think is love may just be infatuation or lust. But when a couple begins by being friends, they help each other grow into their faults, strength, pattern, dreams and focus in life.

They are able to confide in each other, provide the support base they both want, maneuvre slippery terrains without it destroying or affecting their relationship negatively.

There is a lot to gain if you don’t on the first date, go professing love. The sensible thing is to offer her friendship and a chance to know each other before any talk about love. A relationship premised on friendship has better chances of surviving the concomitant challenges that come with relationship building. In addition, learn to trust, support, understand, care, tolerate, pray and be determined to succeed against all odds.

Good luck.

He’s Irresponsible, Broadcasts Our Affair


Dear Agatha,


I have been reading your columns in this paper and I must say you are doing a very good job.

There is this guy I met some two months ago. I honestly thought I had found true love with this man, but little did I know I was deceiving myself and that I was entangled with the devil himself.

My story is this: After sleeping with me; he went about saying all sorts of things about me. I now want to see a native doctor to help harm him for me, but I want to hear from you first.

Chinyere.


Dear Chinyere,

What will you achieve by going to a native doctor to harm him? Will it change the fact that has been circulated about you or the truth that you slept with him? Will it make the memory of what you both had go away? In the first instance, he didn’t force you into a situation you didn’t want to go into and at the point of transaction, you also found it satisfying, so no contract was breached per se. The only ugly thing is what he did thereafter. And it all comes from your inability to read his character from what he says about other people.

Often than not, what people say behind the back of others tell a great deal about who they themselves are. It tells of their moral values and attitudes towards life. This man clearly lacks self- respect, is uncultured and vain to go about telling what you both did in the privacy of your bedroom.

Doubtless, he has acted irresponsibly by broadcasting to everyone things that happened in the confines of a room but the fact remains that if you hadn’t left your flanks unprotected, this man wouldn’t have stories to tell without you being able to challenge him on the authenticity of it. Like I keep saying, sex is not a prerequisite for the success or failure of any relationship. When a relationship is premised on sex only, it ends up becoming an instrument of pains. At the point, had you taken time to investigate his person or settled down to invest meaningfully into the relationship instead of jumping to have sex with him, you wouldn’t be in this moral mess.

What do you expect him to think of you when in just two months of meeting him, you have already gone the whole mile with him? What man would take a woman who presents herself to him like that serious? He is bound to think you are of low morals. He would think you are cheap and so generous with your body.

For a woman, there are basic requirements she must know about a man before jumping into bed with him. What do you know about him before taking the risk of exposing your body to him? For a woman who is serious about her image, it takes more than a chance meeting of two months to sleep with a man.

Even if you aren’t like that, the fact that he had it so easy with you would make him think you are cheap and indiscriminating in your choice of men.

Rather than waste precious time consulting a juju man to harm him, do yourself a lot of good by rethinking and re-branding yourself sufficiently for a man to honour you.

Use this experience to examine yourself, be bold enough to admit to your own faults because that is the only way you can move forward. Even if you consult all the native doctors in the country, without you changing your ways, you will continue to meet men who kiss and tell. You gave room for this man to call you names; after all, you won’t be the first woman he has slept with. Something about your conduct, attitude towards your image gave room for this ugly incident.

The most vital lesson for you is to zip up until the right man comes; and this is on your wedding night. You may seem to have lost everything now, but like a phoenix, you can pick up the pieces again and rebuild, this time with blocks of determination to do things right.

Rather than waste precious time and resources on native doctors, why not turn to God who has all powers to do everything as well as give you a better chance to be happy? Unlike a man whose season never comes to an end, a woman has limited season. So, be careful how you manage it else you end up with nothing but very sad memories of what could have been. Therefore make hay while the sun is still shining and learn to place the essential priorities in your front burner.

Good luck.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Should I Leave Him Or Stay?


Dear Agatha,


Thank you for being there for people like me. My marriage has benefited tremendously from your advice, which is why I am writing to you to help me with the challenge I am having with my husband’s nieces, who are hell bent on causing problems for me.

I have been married for close to nine years now and I am blessed with a son.

The child came after five years of marriage. It was a difficult and traumatic period for me. At a point, my in-laws actually took another wife for my husband. It was the grace of God more than anything that made him reject the woman even though he was already having an affair with another woman as a result of my inability to give him a child.

Even when the child came, it was made to go through a paternity test by my in-laws, who suspected that the baby could have come from another man other than their son. From their attitude it was obvious that their grouse with me was more than my not giving them a baby on time but also that they detest my person.

The recent challenges have to do with my inability to increase the number of my children and the recent trend of my husband’s niece, who are teenagers arranging for girlfriends for my husband right under my roof.

I have had my suspicions but there has been nothing concrete until now. Knowing the type of family I married into, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself hence I had to bid my time. Recently, I came home to meet one of the girls they had introduced to me in my bed with my husband.

The shock of it was that my in-laws were at home, in the living room and knew their friend was in my bedroom with my husband. When I came, they didn’t bother to stop me but allowed me to walk into the scene.

When I picked a fight with their friend and my husband, the two of them threatened to beat me up if I dared. They told me to my face that I wasn’t wanted in the family and that I should pack my things and leave. They also called me a witch who was eating up the babies in her womb.

These are the same girls whose tuition I am helping to pay at the university.

To my shame my husband didn’t do anything to stop his nieces from insulting me or sending the other lady away rather the girl stayed put in the room while the whole scene played out.

From the reactions of my mother-in-law and her daughters, it is obvious that these girls are playing out a script written for them by their grandmother and mothers.

My mother and family insist I ignore what is happening and stay with my husband that, eventually things will work out. I love my husband and will always do but this embarrassment is too much for me to endure. It is killing me. Although my husband has come back to beg me for forgiveness, going to the extent of enlisting members of my family as well as his friends, I feel like quitting. I am afraid of his family and really don’t know what to negotiate for now that he is begging me for forgiveness. I am so confused. Please help me.

Martha.


Dear Martha,

If he is begging you, don’t pack out even though what you witnessed is enough ground both spiritually and legally to quit the marriage. One thing is for someone to wrong a person another is for that person to show remorse.

To have gone to the extent of enlisting the help of your family and his friends shows a real attempt at redressing the situation. The first thing to do is to get rid of that fear of yours and lean heavily on God. Your in-laws lack the power to control your life or determine your future. That you were able to give birth to that child shows that God is on your side in this battle so brace up and give it all it takes to be happy. Life can be cruel and unfair. Your happiness is right in your hands. If you leave, you are only giving them undeserved victory, the chance for the other woman to come into a home you have laboured to build for nine years. He is not only your husband but the father of your son.

So protect your home with all you have. First, tell him to send those nieces of his packing from the house. For them to have gone to the extent they went means they are capable of doing anything to harm you and your son and having declared themselves your enemies, there is no sense in housing them to destroy your home.

Insist they don’t have to stay in your home to be assisted by you or your husband. That this can still be done, irrespective of wherever they stay.

The time for pretenses is over or trying to buy into the favours of your in-laws. While you must never be rude to them, keep your distance from them as well as make it clear that you are no longer in fear of them. One of the conditions too you should give is for these girls to apologise to you for what they did to you.

Also feel free to discuss all other matters with him now that you have the opportunity.

Let your husband know that this is your call and that he has to support you to make the home happy too for him. As for his extramarital affairs, he should keep them away from your knowledge and home.

However, be careful not to hold a grudge against any of them to enable God to continue to fight your battle. Once you have accepted the apologies of your husband, allow the matter die a natural death because to bring it up later after this time would be so unfair and could limit God’s support for you.

Also, don’t assume that you are without blame. There is always room for improvement in every relationship. Look at the areas too you need to improve on and do everything to make your man happy. Also give him the opportunity to say one or two things too about what he doesn’t like about you.

God may have allowed this situation to help make your marriage stronger. Allow the presence of God as well as His peace to lead you into a solution that would wipe away all your tears. Go on your knees and really pray your marriage into the kind of success you want it to be. There is nothing God cannot do.

As for your husband’s nieces, that they are also women and would one day find themselves in other people’s homes is enough comfort for you to go by.

Without issues like this, your marriage will not have a character as well as the type of testimony that will encourage others to have the faith and encouragement to go on in their own turbulent marriages. God in His wisdom allows us go through some excruciating conditions to exult His name in our lives as well as those who come in contact with us.

Good luck.