Dear Agatha,
I’m a final year student of Ambrose Ali University, Ekpoma. I was 23 years of age when I agreed to a relationship with my current boyfriend.
Before I agreed to his request, he had through a picture I saw in his photo album introduced his ex-girlfriend to me.
But few months after we started dating, he informed me about the visit of his supposed ex-girlfriend. It was at that point he admitted that he told a lie about the lady being his ex. He told me that he was once very much in love with the lady.
However, she came as he had warned. Not did her visits become frequent, having secured admission into 200 Level in our school, they now live together.
Immediately she came, she placed everything in the room prompting my boyfriend to give away his former things. The lady is responsible also for his financial needs since he doesn’t have a good job for now.
The most painful thing is that she uses everything that belongs to my boyfriend, including wearing his boxers. Whenever I ask him the precise situation between them, he says nothing.
Everybody in the compound tells me he is cheating on me. When I confronted him on who is responsible for the pregnancy he took her to the hospital to terminate, he told me it was the girl’s boyfriend.
I’m told they go to the bath together when they think nobody is at home.
I once trusted him and I have never cheated on him and I don’t want to be cheated on either. They both speak Igbo whenever we are together, knowing full well I don’t understand a word of the language, as an Ishan lady.
I’m beginning to change my mind toward him despite him being the one who deflowered me, a year and six months into our relationship.
Please I need your advice before it is too late. I’m 25 years old and time is not exactly my friend.
Rosy.
Dear Rosy,
What sort of advice do you want? That you should continue to stay with a man who obviously has little regard for you? Isn’t it obvious this man and his girlfriend are playing you for a fool and that you don’t reckon in his life?
What more evidence do you need than the ones they are presenting to you? Are your fears of being left on the shelf so profound that you would continue to tolerate this humiliation from this man who has no grain of respect for your person or feelings? What do you call this, love or outright stupidity? He lives with a woman in the same room who wears his cloths, uses his things and he tells you there is nothing between them? And you believe him? Why are you finding it so difficult to let go of something that never was?
Deep down, do you think this man has anything to offer you? Do you think you can trust him? From the very beginning he has never been straight with you. The woman he told you was his ex, turns out to be very much alive in his life. Not only was she ever out of the picture, but also has come in full force to take her rightful place beside him.
At 25, there is no hurry for you to get married. Even if you are well advanced in age, it still doesn’t mean a woman should marry any man simply to please the society. This man would never treat you with respect. He would always find an excuse to hurt you. Is this the type of man you want or a marriage where there would always be other people?
One thing is to desire marriage another is to have it with the right type of person. Trust me, it is one of the most wonderful institutions on earth but the wrong choice of a spouse could make it the worst nightmare in life. Often, it is best to remain single than to go into a marriage laden with pains of disappointments, lies, infidelity, and outright lack of respect.
Wake up to the hard fact, this man doesn’t feel a thing for you or this other lady. He wants you for the free sex he gets when this other lady isn’t around. While the other lady, he wants for the money she provides him.
Men like him are nothing but opportunists, always on the look out for his self-interest. This is one man who would never make you happy. Not having a job is not an excuse for him to be cruel or deceitful.
But beyond the issue of this man is that in all these, you seem to be your own worst enemy. There is the need for you to build your self-esteem else you would become an easy prey for any man out for quick fun and mischief. The moment men perceive you as desperate to marry, they would tell you all the things they know you want to hear for the purpose of sleeping with you.
If you are not careful, you would end up more broken hearted than you already are now, because out there are more men like this current boyfriend of yours.
You need to help yourself adjust to the fact that age adds value to life if you know how. You must shake off the mentality that says you are aging fast on the shelf to prevent you short-changing yourself from the good promises that go with marriage.
Earn your respect from a man by refocusing your priorities from desperation to acceptance of the will of God. Unless you key into his plans for you, you are liable to making the worst kinds of mistakes in life. Our God is neither late nor early but always on time. When His time is ripe, age becomes secondary; it assumes the posture of a huge advantage not the disadvantage you seem to think it is now.
The important thing in life is to be happy with the choices you have made, not weep over them later in life.
The more time you spend with this man would only add depreciation to your worth and self-esteem. If you don’t end the relationship before it is too late, you would never be able to recover from the psychological trauma of all that is happening to you. Yes, you took a gamble on him by loving and trusting him. That he deflowered you doesn’t mean you have to tolerate humiliation. It is time for you to move on with your life. Painful, yes, but there is nothing more for you in this relationship. This is life, sometimes it is so unfair and painful, other times, it is just and fair to all those who learn from each bitter experience as well as trust God.
At this early stage, he should be the one sweating to have you in his life, not you. If you begin from the beginning to fight the battle to have him remain in your life, what will you do when you marry and you have to fight to make the marriage work as well as protect it from the claws of other women? You can drag an unwilling horse to the river but can never force it to drink.
You are forcing this man to retain his interest in you when he has made it obvious that he no longer wants you around.
Leaving him to focus on your strengths, qualities, values as well as work on your self-esteem would help you know what to look out for in another man who comes your way. You must first have a focus of your own to be happy in a relationship. You remain in this relationship despite the pains it is causing you due to your lack of focus beyond getting married at all cost. It isn’t his problem but yours. Make the decision to be happy and God will provide you with everything you need to make it work wonderfully well for you.
Good luck
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