His promise to sponsor my study turns trick to mar my dream…

Dear Agatha,

God will bless all that you are doing through your columns.
I met him almost at the time my sister whom I was staying with died in 2003. He promised me marriage, but after the burial of my sister, my mother and I travelled to the village and I lost contact with the man. 

But somehow, he managed to trace our house in Lagos and told my family the day he came of his intentions to sponsor my education as well care for me. I was naturally happy that God has finally sent a helpmate to me because I desired to go further on my study, but no money to turn my dream to reality. 

So I left to live with him. After some months, I discovered I was pregnant. He asked me not to abort it so I agreed. I gave birth to a son. After the birth of our son, I asked what would happen to my plans to further my study; he promised to work towards it. One day, he came home with a polytechnic form. I was happy at the development. I got admitted into the school and started to attend lectures. However my dream of a good education disintegrated when I asked him for money to pay my school fees. He simply told me he lacked idea of what I was saying. Left with no choice, I had to stop attending lectures. 

When it appeared as if I would never fulfill my dream of a better tomorrow, I demanded to know why he didn’t want to pay my fees. He told me that before he can invest in my education, I would have to agree to give him another child. I declined the condition he attached to it and cried to God that night. Not too long after this, someone from the village came to inform me of my mother’s state of health. I eventually lost my mother and I blame him for this.  

From that point, he became cruel to me, started maltreating me. He sees me as nobody all because we are not from the same State. I am planning to leave him at the end of this year when our last child would be a year old.  From the much I have observed about him, our relationship isn’t leading anywhere. Considering my purpose on earth, I would be wasting further time staying with him. We don’t discuss issues together as two people living together under the same roof. We don’t have plans for the future together. Do you know Agatha that he built a house without informing me? I work for him; he has never paid me a time for my services. He accuses me of not liking his family members. Please I need your urgent assistance. 

I have seen different messages sent by different ladies he met online to his phone and when I confront him on these messages, he would deny knowing any of the ladies. But I saw the details of the money sent him by one of these ladies on his phone. 
What do I do? 
Esther.

Dear Esther, 

Don’t replace one mistake with another mistake. The worst mistake that can happen to you now is to be left high and dry by your own children at the time you would need them the most. You cannot afford to be hasty in taking a conclusive decision on this matter because children are involved. It has transcended the two of you to include the future of those innocent children you both brought into the world. As their mother, you owe these children your time, future and interest. Unlike a single woman who can afford to take her leave of a relationship that is not working for her, you cannot do the same thing because what you have is as good as marriage. You owe those children so much. There is no sacrifice that is too much for you to make for these children. It is your first call as a mother. I say this because you don’t have any means of livelihood and it isn’t a tea party caring for children especially in today’s highly competitive world where education has become a must for every child. 

If you take them away from him, do you have the ability to take good care of them? This journey you are about to embark on requires you to premise everything about the children on your income because along the road, their father may not be forthcoming in money for their upkeep especially if another woman comes into his life. It is always a different ball game for most men when their children are not living with them. You will have to provide much more for them even if he is alive to his responsibilities. No matter how generous he could be, you must have enough money of your own to cushion the shortfalls that are bound to arise. Do you have that kind of money? Do you have the emotional strength to devote on your own to caring solely for these children all alone? 

Would you be able to cope without the attention of another man in your life? The attention of another man would definitely affect the quality of time and interest you have in your children. These are not things one plans for but they just happen and if care is not taken you risk losing the respect and cooperation of the children. Therefore, you must think of that time now. Factor it into your plans to leave the father of your children. 

And if you are planning on leaving the children behind, whom do you plan to leave them with? The man you claim has no time for you? Whose interest is shadowed by different women?

The truth of life is that there is no perfect situation. What we have is a perfect will to make it work at all cost. There is no point blaming this man for a situation your family helped in creating. They should have insisted he paid your bride price before leaving for his house. To have allowed you leave for his house without performing any formal ceremony on you didn’t exactly do you any honour where this man is concerned. 

Deep down he feels that you agreed to his proposal because he promised to send you to school. And to be very frank, in his shoes how would you feel if this man considered you based on what he can get from you? Would you in all honesty have considered him as father to your children, if he didn’t promise to send you to school? Would your parents have been so generous to have allowed you go and live with him if he didn’t make you this promise?

As long as your stay with him is violent free, all the things you complained of are normal issues you can manage with time. But you must have to completely forgive and forget his broken promise to you. Some of the major issues in your marriage have to do with resentment on both sides. You are suppressing anger at the way he deceived you and your parents into thinking he has the answer to your family economic problem and has made up your mind never to forgive him for shattering your dreams of getting a good education. 

He, on the other hand, cannot forgive the reason you advertised for agreeing to come and be part of his life. You have to forgive him for duping you of your body and life while he has to let go his conclusions about you that you are a gold digger. 

The presence in your relationship of these children has made it very important that you leave all these hurtful memories behind. There is so much more of joy and happiness in your marriage if you both learn to trust and belief in what you have going. 

You must appreciate that there is nothing happening to us that God isn’t aware of. Forget all the other women in his life; they are distraction. He wont be the first man to have other relationships outside his home neither would he be the last. When things come to this point, a sensible woman should apply the practical solution. If you leave, another woman would take over your home and all the efforts you have put into his life and home would have been in vain. You are the woman in the house and the mother of his children hence has an advantage the other women don’t have. If you still want to go to school, you can but ensure your home is intact for you to have the peace of mind to pursue your education in peace. 

At this junction use the woman in you to get him to listen. Apply wisdom, humility, respect, trust, and selflessness into your marriage. Always be there for him. Even if he doesn’t tell you anything concerning his day at work, ask him about his day and tell him about yours. If you are patient and persistent in your resolve to keep your man, you will at the end of the day succeed.

Good luck.

My UK boyfriend starves me of gifts

Dear Agatha,

Before I begin my story, I want you to know that I would do precisely what you tell me to do. I am 26 years old and graduated in December last year. My boyfriend is currently in the United Kingdom (UK) for his Master degree programme. Before he left for UK he asked me out but I declined because I was into another relationship then. 

By the time he left we had nothing going between the two of us. We only started dating eight months ago when he found out that my other relationship had collapsed. He called me to renew his interest in me. After a while I accepted to date him. 

But my problem is that he hasn’t been forthcoming with gifts or money. He doesn’t care how I fend for myself at all. I also noticed that he doesn’t call me as often as he did and when he calls he is so aloof on the phone. 

Agatha, I am asking for your help because I don’t subscribe to double dating. He is the only man in my life and sincerely I can’t be categorical about my feelings for hm. Sometimes he stays for more than two weeks without calling me. And when he calls he complains of hardship over there. Recently, he called one of his cousins to take me to his village to meet with his uncles and grandma. Please what should I do because a lot of men are asking me out? I am currently so confused. Should I quit and start something else with another man?  

Mary.

Dear Mary, 

Your boyfriend isn’t the problem here. You are! From the tone of your e-mail, you don’t really care about him but are more interested in the fact that he is abroad and the money you assume he has gone there to pick on the streets of that country to send to you.

If you want to end the relationship don’t look for excuses, rather be bold enough to admit to where your interest really is. If you love him, you would understand that he is a student and that money doesn’t grow from trees in these countries; that things are just as difficult as they are in Nigeria, if not more difficult out there. If nothing, you at least have the familiarity as well as comfort of family and friends; he doesn’t have that at all. For him, it is a lonely and very cold world out there. If he went as a student, he isn’t officially permitted to work. If he is working, it won’t be with the knowledge of the authority and even at then, the remunerations won’t be anything to write home about. 

In addition those countries are going through crunching economic situations too which means the limited jobs available cannot go round even their own people, let alone foreigners. Sending things and money to you isn’t automatic at all. You must learn from this early moment to begin to make the necessary sacrifices for both of you because life comes in different phases. 

To reap from this man, you must be ready to plant. He needs peace of mind from you to concentrate on what he has gone there to do and get good results. If he isn’t calling you as often as you expect, bear in mind that he has tests and examinations to write. He is spending a lot of money on his education and upkeep. What he needs from you now is encouragement. Asking his cousin to take you to see his family shows that he wants you in his life and that thoughts of you are on his mind. What he doesn’t have now is the free cash to give you. Appreciate the lithe he has to offer you, which is more than most men can give. Don’t torture this man emotionally if you don’t want him. Your concern should be to find out from him how he is coping and the challenges he is facing out there. 

It would have been a different case, if he was lavishing money and gifts on his family members and ignores you or stopping you from meeting with his people. 

Before you make up your mind on what to do with him, first ask yourself some compulsory questions. In my experiences, it is only when we don’t want a particular person to share our space that we begin to dig up issues that are unimportant. Make up your mind about this man. What do you want from him? Material gains or emotional satisfaction? Call him only when you are sure of what you want and are comfortable with what he has to offer you, to discuss areas you are still not clear about with him. Dialogue offers you both a platform to iron out grey areas and to also plan. Chances are he stopped calling you as frequently as he was doing initially in reactions to your attitude towards him on the phone. He may have sensed your resentment from the tone of your voice.

Relationship is a continuous process of blending and building. Nobody ever gets it right even till the end. You have to be firm and determined to make it work at all home. This is the only way you can protect yourself from negative peer and family pressures. 

If you love this man, give him a chance to build his life at the age he has more than enough strength to achieve the best of results. For now leaving him for other men isn’t the panacea as a matter of fact, it often doesn’t work because every relationship has its sets of challenges. 

Good luck. 

Greed to go abroad turns me his sex machine

Dear Agatha, 
I am a regular reader of your column and always impressed with your submissions. I have a problem and need your help.

I’m a 23-year-old staff nurse and dating a 29-year-old guy. Our relationship started in January. Being the first child in a family of seven and following the economic degradation, it the whole responsibility of the family fell on me. My parents tried to see me through the School of Nursing but couldn’t complete the task due to the demands of my siblings.  

Everyone was expecting me to get a good job and marry a rich man in other to help my family.
I’m a staunch Catholic by birth while my boyfriend is of the Cherubim and Seraphim religious denomination. That was where I began to have problem with the relationship.

He loved me enough to agree to sexless relationship with me. Although unemployed, he promised to marry me as soon as he got a job. He is a graduate. If there is a quality I find outstanding about him is his optimism.  He even promised to become a catholic because of me. He is from a good home and behaves responsibly. I love him, but because he has no job yet as well as his religious denomination, I didn’t take him serious.
Our relationship was all good till March when this other guy I met through the sister and lives in South Africa proposed to me over the phone. He’s from a catholic family and told me that he’s working and schooling over there as well. I told my parents about him and they accepted him thinking that their prayers have been answered. I’ve also dreamt of going overseas where my profession will be useful to my family and me. I thought I was in cloud nine then. My constant interaction with this guy on the phone projects him as being responsible.  

We exchanged pictures over the internet and he looked good. He was such in a hurry to pay my bride price but I insisted that he should come back to Nigeria so that we could meet and get to know each other more. To be frank, I called this guy over the phone more than he calls me and I thought it was right.
I kept all these away from my boyfriend. I planned my new relationship as a surprise for me. And I also denied having a relationship when asked by the guy in South Africa.  

Little did I know that the South African man had a skeleton his cupboard? He came to marry me for the wrong reason because am a nurse, while I accepted his proposal owing to my desire to travel out. I knew very well that I love my first guy more than him but I ignored this salient fact.  However, I started noticing this man from South Africa was not the person I thought he was when he pressured me to have an unprotected sex with him the first time I met him at his parents’ house.

I know it was totally against my principle but I allowed it, not minding the implication of what I was doing with him because I believed he is the man for me. I thought maybe after marrying me he would take me abroad.
My instincts failed me as he later turned me into a sex slave each time I am with him. Within me, it has never been my intention to sleep with him but I was blindfolded by the promise of travelling abroad. I later dragged him to see my parents formally. They accepted him because he behaved and talked like a saint in their presence. He promised to come back to see my parents again but he never did. The worst of it all is that this guy never spent any kobo or gave me money for once. I was the one spending my hard earned slim salary on him. I always force him to come and see me in my workplace and he came only once.
Soon my first guy started having this terrible feeling that something is wrong because I always ignore his calls each time I’m with the other guy. I was really feeling sorry and guilty at the way I was cheating on my first boyfriend but I kept ignoring my feelings of guilt. 

I later discovered that this other guy doesn’t love me at all but was only using me to satisfy his sexual urges all in the name of marriage. 

I couldn’t tolerate it any longer. I had to tell him about my relationship with the first guy. I challenged him that he was only using me as a sex slave. Before this, I noticed he was reluctant to come and see my parents again. Each time I reminded him of his promise to see them, he would become irritated and annoyed for no obvious reasons. I also discovered he was having other relationships. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was that he was dating my colleagues. 

I ran mad and went into psychological trauma for giving my virginity and body to the wrong guy. 
I couldn’t bear the pains any longer and I had to tell my first guy all that happened. He was shocked and cried bitterly. It was painful for both of us. I thought the best thing was to break up with him and pick up the pieces of my life again, but he refused to let me go. Despite my unfaithfulness, I swore never to have sex with him but he persisted. I later had sex with him because he told me that it’s the only way he can forget all that happened. I knew he wasn’t himself because he did not intentionally have sex with me but my infidelity dragged him to the wall. He later apologised and promised not to have sex with me until we’re married. He told me that he wants our relationship back to its normal state. From his actions lately, I know that he still love me but I always feel guilty. 

He has also been helpful in making me forget all that I went through. I have since forgotten about the South African man. I know that he will meet his nemesis.
Tell me, do I still wait for this guy who loves me after everything considering my family responsibilities or should I choose carefully from the suitors who are still seeking my hand in marriage? I knew my parents won’t accept him because of his denomination and joblessness but I think this guy really loves me. He has done what most guys will never tolerate. He keeps on telling me that love does not keep record of wrongs. I pray and believe that God will certainly give him the best of jobs.
Ozy.

Dear Ozy, 

True love doesn’t keep records of any wrong. Rather, it looks the other way when hurting. You have really been unfair to this guy who from what you have said really cares about you. He is not just a man who loves you but also one who is your true friend. Only a man who is a friend to the woman in his life would forgive easily what you did to him.

However the issue at hand now is more than you both being together, it has to do with what you really want from life. To prevent you hurting him again, you must be very clear on what you want from life and him.

Before you both go too far, there is the need for you to first of all clear the challenge your different denominations would throw up. Do you have the capacity and ability to withstand the avalanche of protests that would come from your parents knowing you are going outside the Catholic Church to marry, not just someone from another church but a white garment one? It is not enough for him to promise you he would change for your sake but a matter of reality. The tradition is for the woman to change to her husband’s church and not the man changing to the woman’s church. To pretend he would to appease you and your parents would be expecting too much, hence the need for you to properly resolve the issue within yourself before moving too deep into it.

You must be sure your love for this man can stand the test of time. He has proven his love for you by forgiving you of an offence many men would never have forgiven you. Look deep into your heart and be very frank with yourself, can you look at your parents’ straight in the eyes and tell them you don’t care about your denomination? Would he be able to rely on your love when your parents reject you on account of the church he attends as well his lack of job?

If you really want to make this man happy, forget whatever anybody says and listen to that inner voice right inside of you. What is the voice saying about him and his kind of person? Relationship and marriage go beyond having money and attending the same church. It is a combination of who you both are, your individual values, the kind of sacrifices you can willingly make for the other person to be happy and responsibilities you can each carry.  Be honest about what you want and let him know. It won’t be fair on this man if you again lead him on, only to drop him for reasons you should have tackled from the beginning. 

As for the other man, he isn’t to blame for anything. You caused what happened to you out of greed. No matter the temptations you were facing at home, it wasn’t enough reason for you to trade your body, conscience and dignity for money. You kept enduring his dehumanising treatment of your mind and body because you were greedy. The offer of marriage wasn’t enough for you to do what you did. 

All you need in life to succeed as a woman is to be focused. Once you have that, no man would ever be able to take undue advantage of you or be pressured into anything. 

Good luck. 

Dated for 10 years, mother married her off, now schemes to return…

Dear Agatha, 

My relationship was more than 10 years old before I left Nigeria. Our plan was to marry each other. 

Two years after I came to this country, she called me to inform me of the pressures her family members were putting on her to marry another man. The essence of her call was to have my opinion on the issue. I immediately called her mother to ask why they were trying to make my girlfriend change her mind about me. I assured her of my love for and desire to marry her daughter. Without mincing words, she told me that if I wanted her daughter to wait for me, I should commence the marriage rites by asking my people to come and pay her bride price. 

Unfortunately, things were rough for me that I couldn’t raise any money for her. I kept encouraging her to be patient until my cousin called me to inform me that she has gotten married. I was shocked and feel uncomfortable for some years. During these years I made up my mind that I will not call her and even if I come back to Nigeria, I will not look for her. 

Thank God I found favour in His sight because He blessed me. When I travelled to Nigeria, I asked after her and my cousin told me she has two daughters and that she has been asking after me. To my greatest surprise she called me on phone and I asked how she got my number, she told me that my cousin gave her my number. Thereafter, she started sending me text messages. 

I had to warn her to desist from such an awful act. Later my cousin told me that she plans to divorce her husband and marry me.
Please advise me on what to do because I am confused. I don’t know what next to do. The fact is that I love her so much and yet to meet a girl I love like I love her.
Celestine.

Dear Celestine, 

Don’t be confused about anything concerning this lady because she is off limits to you. The moment she accepted to be the other man’s wife, she ceased to be your business. Granted, you both spent more than 10 years of your lives dating and desiring to marry, there is nothing left for you with her.  The fact that she married someone else shows that God didn’t intend both of you to be an item. God ordains the order of things the way He pleases. You both desired it but failed to reckon with the final plans of God for both of you. If He had, she wouldn’t have married another man and you would have had the money to commence the marriage rites when her mother demanded it of you. That you didn’t, further underscores the truth that you and this woman weren’t meant to be.

So allow the memory of her go and move on with your life.  To look back and contemplate any future with her is to court trouble. Apart from being the wife of another man, she has two young children to look after. These people should be her concern now and not you. Whether she was justified in her action or not isn’t the issue now. Having made her choice let her understand there can never be anything beyond friendship between the two of you. Help her if you feel like helping from a distance but avoid being in her company alone or with this friend of yours who is obviously in subtle support of you both coming together.  You haven’t met another woman to love because you have refused to allow yourself fall in love again. Deep down you are still hurting at the memory of losing her as well as the circumstances in which the whole thing happened. 

You just must let go because that is the only way you can find comfort and peace in another woman. Stop blaming yourself for a situation God long ago took the power of decision away from you or this lady. Accept the fact that at the time you both dated, you came to fulfill a reason of God in your lives. For both of you to have stayed that long together, showed that you were both close and were friends.  God wanted to use your coming together to prepare both of you for your future partners. She must have imparted positively on your life. Draw strength from that relationship by beginning something new with another woman. Your ability to manage the temperament of a woman for that long; shows you have what it takes to make a woman happy.  If she is refusing to allow the training she received from your time together reflect in her life and marriage, don’t make the same mistake in your own life. 

Regrets are only for those who aren’t sensitive to the spirit of God in their lives.  The trick is to take a day at a time. Begin by being friend with the woman you like. Don’t rush anything and don’t make promises until you have asked God to direct your steps this time around. Once God is in it, there is nothing to fear. Lean on God completely.

Good luck.