Between Funding Our Wedding And My Studies

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your advice and concerns. I am in my early 30s in a relationship leading to marriage. My fiancé and I are so much in love. He has introduced me to his parents and relatives. He is a graduate while I am not, but it has never bothered him since I am willing to continue my education after our wedding. But the problem now is that he is not buoyant enough to sponsor this wedding. I am working and buoyant, he is asking for my help. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because I’m confused.

Kate.

Dear Kate,

Why the confusion? Don’t you love and trust him? If he is serious and you are sure he cannot afford the luxury of a big wedding, the most sensible thing to do is for both of you to sit down and discuss what you can both afford.

Marriage isn’t a rigid science where everything has to be done in a particular way. For it to survive, it must be dynamic and able to breathe freely. What makes marriage unique and interesting is the amount of trust and freedom a couple is willing to invest into it. There are no laws against a woman helping the man to pay for some of the marriage expenses if she has more money than him. Don’t forget you are both going into a lifetime partnership; one both of you must be willing always to invest the best of yourselves. You don’t give marriage less of what it deserves if you want it to succeed. You must be willing to make all the sacrifices for its survival. Marriage involves a lot of sacrifices and selflessness to make it work for both parties.

Depending on the kind of marriage you in particular have in mind, it may not require so much to make it happen. The first thing is to draw up a budget of the kind of wedding you will love to have and another budget of the kind of wedding you can both afford now.

Between the fantasy and reality budget, you will get an idea of how much is really necessary for both of you to tie the nuptial knot.

Bear in mind that there are so many things involved in the process of two people coming together and having a successful marriage. The wedding ceremony is only a process that leads to marriage. After the ceremony, comes the real road show. Don’t ever make the ceremony more important than the real thing. The moment you do that, you risk upsetting the entire process of getting married.

You also have to be careful that you don’t make your husband-to-be feel bad that he is unable to play his role effectively. Give him the confidence to trust in you and give you too all the support when the table turns in his favour too. Therefore, after drawing up the two budgets, sit down with your man to discuss what you both must do. The way you handle this seemingly simple task of funding the wedding would go a long way in giving him the much needed confidence to rely on you as his woman.

This is a test case for you; one to demonstrate that you know what marriage entails and that you are capable of coping with the many challenges that come with it.

Deep down I know the conflicts going on inside of you; the many questions you are asking yourself; don’t worry. Helping your man to sponsor the wedding ceremony doesn’t make you cheap or desperate either. It simply helps present you to this man as a dependable woman. Remember, you both have made the plans to marry; your families are aware of the relationship, hence nothing to be ashamed of if you make your resources available for this thing you long planned for.

If you don’t tell, nobody would know where the money is coming from. You won’t be the first woman or the last one to help her man pay for the wedding ceremony. More than he does, you are the one who needs the ceremony. Left to most men, they would rather limit themselves to paying the bride price and end the ceremony there, but women are the ones with the desire to expand the ceremony so the ball is now in your court to determine.

Don’t hesitate to do whatever has to be done to make you and your husband to be happy because marriage is a journey of give and take.

Good luck. 

Desperately Need Expert To Tend My Finger-problem

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious physiological problem that has
been bothering me. My fingernail’s beds are ugly and infected. In 2005, I had a fingernail bed infection, the kind that separates the nail from its bed. It was so serious that I had to cut off the nails from the beds. This condition continued up till last year and when it became too much, I had to cut off the nails on seven of my fingers. Unfortunately, they refused to grow properly again. They have become some sorts of embarrassment to me because I’m a
university student.

I have taken to hiding my fingers from prying eyes. Agatha, is it true that I can put artificial nail graft on them abroad through surgery and also remove some marks on my body? I haven’t seen anywhere it is done in Nigeria or can I? Why is my case different?

Chinonso.                                                                                              

 

Dear Chinonso,

From what I read about your condition, known medically as Onycholysis, you were careless in the handling of the infection.

Had you paid more attention to the infection from the beginning, you would have saved yourself from the pains and embarrassment happening to you now.

Though nail disorders are judged differently from skin diseases, symptoms and treatment vary. Onycholysis is a deformity of the nails that require medical attention sometimes.

Onycholysis is a loosening of the exposed portion of the nail from the nail bed, usually beginning at the free edge and continuing to the lunula. This nail disorder is often linked to an internal disorder, trauma, infection, nail fungi, allergy to nail enhancement products or to the side effects of drugs taken by the afflicted person. Onycholysis is a very common problem and involves a painless separation of the nail from the nail bed. Onycholysis is a warning sign of skin disease, an infection or the result of injury, but most cases are seen in women with long fingernails.

One way of determining that Onycholysis has set in is to check for signs of discolouration underneath the nail since this may occur as a result of secondary infection. The painless and spontaneous separation of the nail plate starts at the distal free margin and gradually progresses proximally. Larger portion of the nail may become opaque, get whitened or discoloured to yellow or green and this calls for medical attention.

If the cause of Onycholysis is fungal infection, mere examination alone will not be enough to tell it apart and a test for fungus may be called for. Use of strong medications like Tetracycline, Minocycline, Naproxen make a person abnormally sensitive to light and such persons are at risk of getting sunburn under the nails, which causes Onycholysis. In extremely rare cases, all the nails are affected and then it can be a sign of iron deficiency or thyroid over-activity.

If there is noticeable discolouration underneath the nail, the cause may be a secondary infection and this may require the people to take some antibiotics to rid themselves of the underlying cause. Since Onycholysis is usually painless and the separation occurs gradually, it is only in rare cases that a person may experience severe discomfort. This is linked to trauma or the setting in of active infection.

To treat the condition at home, it is recommended that a person regularly trims the nails to ensure they remain short and clean. Using a skin softening hand cream to nourish the nails and hands is of high benefit to the nails and skin.

If Onycholysis has set in due to nail biting, picking or tearing, the person can consider seeking psychological counselling to get the necessary encouragement and guidance to underlying problems to stop this behaviour.

To save you from further embarrassment on account of the ugliness of your nails, protect your hands from too much exposure to water. Water from washing clothes, plates and other house-works that require you to immerse your hands in water for too long only worsen the condition of your. Invest in quality hand gloves to help you arrest the condition of your fingers.

There are very good hospitals in the country that can successfully carry out grafting of the skin. If there is a teaching hospital where you are, go and make the necessary enquires. From there you will be appropriately directed on how to go about it.

To avoid a recurrence of the condition, be very alert to changes in your nail beds and be careful also about the kinds of nail extensions you do as well as how long you carry them. More often than not, problems to our nails come from poor handling of our hygiene as well as our health. There is a time frame attached to how long we get to wear some of the beauty enhancements women are fond of.

Good luck.

Erectile Dysfunction, Drug-free Remedy, Please

Dear Agatha,

Please advise me on what to do before it is too late. I have a problem of inability to sustain my erection. Each time I make love to my girlfriend, it is a struggle for me to last two minutes before ejaculation.

And to get it up again is even of greater struggle. Sometimes it takes me more than 30 minutes to get it up again. I know my girlfriend is only tolerating the situation; that she doesn’t like it at all. Most times I take drugs to make her happy, but for how long can I do this? I can’t continue on drugs any time I want to make love with my girl.

Please advise me on what to do. How do I get out of this problem?

Biafra.

 

Dear Biafra,

So many factors could be responsible for your condition, but I will restrict myself to the possible psychological reasons you are having this problem.

One, what is your state of mind? Have you ever had a lengthier erection than you are having now? If yes, when did it start? Can you remember? Are you having some sorts of unresolved problems causing you so much stress as well as putting a very heavy burden on you?

Most times when a man is having difficulties in his office or finances, it affects his ability to relax completely to give his partner quality time in the bedroom. If this is your case, even though difficult, you must learn to leave whatever it is that is troubling your mind outside your bedroom to prevent the greater challenge of you having to deal with emotional problems in your relationship. To ensure this doesn’t happen, give your girlfriend the free rein to take the lead in the bedroom. It will save you the burden of leading and using your imagination.

As the leader, the onus would be on her to see to your satisfaction; treat you to all those extras that make lovemaking beautiful. However, in doing this, you must have an opened mind about her ways as well as the knowledge of her expertise because the moment you begin to doubt her, raise questions concerning her experience and expertise, you unwittingly close the door against whatever help she has to offer in making this moment less stressful for you.

Don’t allow your male ego stop you from admitting to your limitations to her. If you don’t, she would eventually get frustrated and move on with her life, but if you court her help, she would develop the necessary understanding and patience to explore other ways to make it happen for both of you.

Giving her the lead in the bedroom is just the first part; the second part is to explain to her why you are having problems being your normal premium self. She has to know what is happening in your official life, your finances and in your mind to know how far and long you would need her help. It is also a way of ensuring she doesn’t begin to think that your performance is based on lose of interest in her or the presence of another woman.

If no, it means this is the way you are, hence must find other ways of ensuring you manage the situation. In this kind of situation, it is also important you take your woman along. Let the woman in your life know what to expect in the bedroom. I know it sounds unrealistic, but when a woman is trusted with such information by the man she likes, she ends up being very supportive.

Since it isn’t a case of you not having erections at all, concentrate more on foreplay. Get almost to her peak before going into her to ensure both of you climax at the same time. If you use a lot of your imagination, she won’t even notice you have the problem of sustainability.

The difference between successful lovemaking and failed one is the amount of imagination a couple puts to play. A man may have the strength of a horse but if lacking in incentives, he still won’t be able to please the woman in his life. 
Therefore, the problem isn’t in your strength, but with your inability to be adventurous.

Desist from taking performance enhancing drugs, because they will only worsen your case at the end of the day. Your imagination will achieve more than these drugs can do.

However, there is still the need for you to seek medical help from a qualified doctor to rule out any permanent damage.

Good luck.

 

Need Retroviral Drugs, Doctor Says I’m HIV-positive

 

Dear Agatha,

Please, I need advice and help urgently. Three weeks ago, I had fever and cough, and decided to take some familiar malaria tablets. Despite taking the drugs, my condition didn’t improve so I decided to go to see a doctor. After explaining my state of health to the doctor, he recommended some drugs for me.  Again I noticed these drugs did nothing to ameliorate my critical health situation, therefore I went to see another doctor who then sent me for medical tests. There again, I was told I had malaria parasites. 

Since none of the drugs recommended did anything to reduce my high temperature, I decided on my own to go for HIV test, which turned out positive. I am very confused and disturbed because my partner with whom I have been sexually active is negative.  We have resolved to first of all seek medical solutions before going spiritual, prayers. We both live in Aba. Please can you connect us to any place we can get the retroviral drugs and other necessary counselling?

 Mercy. mercymemere@yahoo.com

Dear Mercy, 

I don’t know what obtains in Aba, but most government hospitals across the country in addition to giving free HIV test services; provide treatments almost at no cost too. 

To be sure you have HIV, go to any nearest government hospital and go for a test. There have been instances of someone people confirmed to be HIV positive turning out to be free of the deadly virus. 

It is therefore advisable you and your mate go for another test in a government hospital to forestall the unnecessary anxiety caused by wrong diagnosis. If at the end of the day you are found to be positive, always have this at the back of your mind, unlike some few years back, when HIV was considered by both the society and the families of the person living with it as being the end of the world; a lot advancement has been made medically to make the disease more manageable. And very soon, the drugs to completely cure it would be available in the market. The retroviral drugs, in the interim, are effectively helping to give the person a normal life.  Even though there is still massive discrimination going on against HIV positive people, the government is as determined as ever to make life more meaningful and normal for those who are living with it. 

Medically, it is possible for women living positively to have children who are HIV free. As with every other health condition, even the most common and harmless, cold, good and prompt management is always required to water down the negative effects of whatever health condition one is having. 

If you are finally diagnosed as being HIV positive, try not to panic or do something foolish. Always appreciate that life is a phase and that God will never give a burden too difficult for His child to bear. Also refuse to be condemned by the society who thinks all HIV positive people are promiscuous, hence suffering the consequences of their lifestyle. In life if you allow the world to put you down, chances of you ever getting up again to your feet are slim. So from this early learn to fight for what makes you exceptionally happy. Just like everyone else, be assured you have a right to be happy irrespective of whatever your health situation is. Despite the stigma that goes with HIV, there are some other medical situations with more physical excruciating pains than HIV. HIV is more psychological than physical. Once able to get over the shock, the rest is a lot easier than you think.

Seeking spiritual help isn’t a problem provided you are broadminded of the situation. God can cure us of all our afflictions and diseases, but some He purposely allows us go through to serve a particular purpose either in our lives or that of others around us. 

The most important thing is allowing His will prevail in everything we do. For help and more counselling, you can call Toyin in Owerri on 0803-600-1934 or Bunmi, Port Harcourt, 0803-710-4250; they are members of the Hope Worldwide, a support group that offers tremendous help and services to people living with HIV or Rolake, Lagos, 0803-303-5895.

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
I was particularly drawn to the request made by Fred in today’s edition, who seeks a woman friendship.
I was kind of enthralled at his presentation, as he seems to me to be someone who knows what he wants. 
The qualities he highlighted are to me the very pillars of great and enduring relationship. 
I would like to know him more and see if we could be great friends to each other. 
Since there is no direct contact to him, and since he wants to be reached through your medium, could you then please let him have my email address: davids.diana@yahoo.com
Would be very glad for your assistance. 
Peace.

Dear Fred, 

Please get in touch with Peace.