Dear Agatha,
Advise me on what to do.It is all about my girlfriend, and a girl I love very much.When we started, we promised that the only thing we would not forgive one another is unfaithfulness.I was very categorical that I would never forgive her if I discover that she has been unfaithful to me.We promised to eventually marry one another.
All these happened before I travelled out of the country two years ago.We talked everyday but she called one day to beg me to forgive her.Since she hadn't done anything to warrant begging, I was puzzled by her request.So, I told her to tell me what she had done.
And she confessed sleeping with another man.Despite the fact that she confessed the relationship herself, and that I wouldn't have known anything, still I am finding it very difficult to forgive her.The distance between us notwithstanding, I make sure she doesn't lack anything.Hence I cannot understand her reason for doing that.I also supported her to finish her school.Now, see how she is paying me back for all I have done for her.I am so confused and disturbed that I cannot think straight.Please help me.
Efenba.
Dear Efenba,
This is tricky but there is no offence beyond pardon in life provided the one doing the forgiving has the emotional stamina to completely forget.
Irrespective of whatever vows you both made, the gospel of relationship preaches faithfulness at all times.Both of you didn't need that vow to stay faithful to each other.It is expected that when two persons are committed to one another, all other persons and interests are forgotten.Therefore, she wronged you and the commitment a relationship demands by not only going out with another man but sleeping with him as well.
Whatever her reasons were for doing what she did, it still doesn't erase the fact that she has been unfaithful to you.For this reason you have every right to be angry with her.If you decide to terminate the relationship on account of this, nobody would blame you after all, she has broken the chain that binds both of you together.
But relationship isn't as simple as that.Sometimes, what appears the obvious solution at the beginning doesn't at the end of the day.This is because it is emotional and with emotions, there aren't clear cut mathematical solutions. Emotions come with too many complexities that it is always best to view things from an entirely wholesome perspective before a decision is taken to avoid regrets.Sometimes, what works for one person, may not be what would work for you.While another man can afford to turn his back against the woman who has betrayed him in the worst way any woman can betray a man, it might not be so simple an issue for another man to handle.
This is because just as our characters and attributes are different so also are the chemical compositions that make us unique. Not even identical twins can claim the same destiny in the sense that God may have made them appear the same physically, their outlook towards life give them different personalities.
It helps not to say or do anything when a matter is very fresh to avoid rash decisions.For now, the best thing to do is to refuse to take a decision until the clouds of the pains clear significantly to enable you view what is ahead of you.
Since the past cannot be divorced from our present, this is the right time to go back memory lane, to those things and places that made both of you such a hot item.Why did you decide on her among all the other girls that came your way? Something about her must have made you proposed marriage to her.Can you recall what precisely that thing is? Can you quantify the joy she has brought into your life as well as the sense of fulfillment? Would leaving her make you happier than you are now? Since the discovery, what percentage of you died with the news? Can you ever be complete without this woman? Would you have reasons to regret later that you might have been too hasty in judging her?
You cannot change what she has done; this is a fact you have to learn to live with. So even if you refuse to forgive her, it won't change the reality of the situation.
What can change things is your attitude to what has happened.Like you rightly pointed out, she didn't have to tell you what she did and since you had no way of knowing, she could have gotten away with it.She told you because guilt didn't allow her to rest from what she had done.Only people with conscience allow guilt to determine their actions.For her to have told you herself shows remorse as well as the intention to remain honest to you despite what she had done.
This is one vital point you should not neglect.If you didn't know anything about it in the first place you won't be talking about forgiveness or forgetting a crime.You are talking about it because she told you of what she had done.Not many girls would have done that.Given the fact that you are so far away from her and nobody would have told you, a lot of girls would have continued to string you along until you sent for them.
The truth is that when a body is used to sex, it is difficult for some people to stay off it for a long time.This has nothing to do with their values or persons simply a case of the body demanding for appeasement.Like hunger, some people cannot simply control their sexual urges.What the body doesn't know, it doesn't crave for, so in a way, you may have contributed to her dilemma when you were around.If you didn't refuse her sex, encouraged her to have sex with you at will, she wouldn't have been sexually bereaved leaving her for such a long time.Our bodies simply don't do what we expect of it at times.
While this is not an excuse, in a moment of weakness, it could happen before she knew what she was doing hence her sense of guilt.
Has she ever given you any reason to doubt her? Suspect her of being disloyal to you while you were here in Nigeria? If she never for once gave you reason to doubt her loyalty, why not give her a second chance? Her conduct no doubt is condemnable, enough for you to call off the relationship without thinking twice but look deep into your heart, forgive her if your love for her is strong enough to deal with it.But allow her to go if you know you would always hold it against her.
With forgiveness comes new strength and new focus.It also brings in new respect and determination never to hurt our loved ones again.Your forgiveness may be what she needs to be more determined; to be a good woman.She didn't do it to hurt you but because she lacked the self-discipline to control herself.
That you have written me about it means you are not so convinced about leaving her, hence the need for you to take some time off to do a good thinking before telling her what you feel.
God will help you make the right decision.
Good luck.
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