His ex threatens hell if he dates me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with a man whom I think doesn’t feel the same way about me. He rarely calls, always claiming to be busy. I just found out that he is still dating his former girlfriend because she threatened to deal with him if he thinks of leaving her. The lady is connected in his college. He is in his final year in medical school. He says I should tolerate the situation until he graduates when he will be able to cut the bond between him and this lady. I am contemplating on forcing him to choose between the two of us because he can’t eat and still have his cake. What do you think? I am 21. He is all I want in a man; I do really love him but I want to be careful so it doesn’t appear as if I am selling myself cheap to him. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What kind of influence does this lady have over him? Why should the fact that she is well connected and in a position to spoil things for him bother him? Not unless the information she has about him is capable of damaging his entire dream of becoming a medical doctor. If this is the case, even if he graduates from the college of medicine, this woman has the advantage of using her information to destroy him either now or in the future. The implication is; unless she is tired of him, ready to move on with another man, your boyfriend will never be free to have a life of his own. This is why you should be curious to know why he feels incapable to move on with you now. He has to take you into confidence, tell you the choices before you if you elect to endure the situation with the other woman. Make him understand that enduring the situation isn’t the big challenge for you but you knowing why you are doing it. In addition, the power the other woman seems to hold over him must be very strong for him to go back to her after approaching you for a relationship. Refusing to discuss or acknowledge it will definitely affect the quality of your relationship in the future. He simply has to learn to trust you with the nature of their relationship. As for you staying, the decision is yours to make. It is your life and your dream. While some relationships are worth fighting for, others are simply not worth it. Our experiences in life incubate patience as well as our maturity in handling of certain personal matter. At 21, what kind of experiences do you have to play second fiddle to another woman in the attention of your man? What makes you think, he has the kinds of qualities you need in a man to be happy? Have you the maturity to look past his appearance to his nature as a man? Good looks alone don’t paint a relationship with the colours of success. It takes more than the kinds of qualities you think he has to give a woman the drive to make a relationship work. One thing is non-negotiable - respect. No matter where a man is, who is with, he must at all times revere the woman in his life. If at this early stage in your relationship, he doesn’t feel the excitement to call, know how you are faring, what would happen when your relationship has developed into a pattern? This is one sign for the woman with a discerning mind to ponder on. A woman’s best days are wrapped in her relationships, when men court her attention and interest. If you are the one running around the clock to attract his attention, then you might want to consider what this relationship would feel some years down the road. No matter how busy a man gets, the thought of his new relationship overshadows everything. The fact that he gives the excuse of being busy not to call you means you are not exactly the prime person on his scale of preference. That means there is another person in his life, who occupies that important place. You therefore have the option of staying and enduring whatever you get from him or leaving him to find happiness somewhere else. Relationship is about joint ideas or dreams. He may be your ideal man, but he has to be convinced that you are his ideal lady too. That is the only time you can enjoy this relationship. Whatever you are doing now without this man sure that you are worth the risk or sacrifice, you may not get the best of him and this relationship. Like I said, the choice is ultimately yours to stay or not. Good luck.

He wants me back, just the way I need him too, but…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Long ago, I fell in love with my best friend. We were so much in love until we had a dispute. This disagreement led to our break up. I also left for Calabar that very weekend, determined to put as much distance between us. Due to the stress of what happened between us, I didn’t particularly pay attention to my body. It was until three months later, I noticed I hadn’t seen my flow. By the time I went for test, I was already about four months gone. And when I made attempts to inform him, I heard, he married the first girl he met after we broke up. Everything was too fast for me. A combination of the hurt and betrayal made me decide against coming back to Lagos or informing him about the baby. That was three years ago. Now he is in Calabar. A friend of his who moved to Calabar a year ago must have told him about us. His child attends the same school as my son. What I didn’t know is that he and the woman he married went their separate ways barely six months after their wedding and that they are now formally divorced. He is begging me to reconsider coming to him but I am involved in another relationship. Though I love him and would want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am however constrained by my relationship with this other man who has introduced me to his people as the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. Honestly, there can never be anyone like him for me but I don’t know how to go about this problem without causing anyone pains. I love the father of my child with all my whole heart. Already my son is thrilled with the idea of meeting and having his father. He has suddenly become so hostile to my boyfriend. What do I do? Hilary. Dear Hilary, This is the junction where you have to face reality in your life. You cannot be in love with one man and marry another. Sentiments won’t get you anywhere in this matter because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. You cannot afford to cut corners, sweep under the carpet issues you should tackle now. If you go ahead to marry your current boyfriend feeling the way you do about the father of your child, you would only be postponing doom’s day. No matter how deep your current boyfriend loves you, there is no way he would endure being married to a woman who doesn’t love him. Even if you pretend to love him now, the knowledge that your former boyfriend is free and available to marry you will eventually make you to become cold towards this man. Gradually, you will begin to be offended by his presence, his attitude and everything he used to do that once made you happy. At the end of the day, hate would take the place of whatever feelings you have for each other. This is why you should be bold enough now to tackle your shadow. Even if your ex didn’t show up, you still would never have been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. You will only end up destroying this man for another woman. Free him before it is too late for another woman to redeem him; give him back his confidence as a man. He may not really appreciate your telling him the truth today, but he would eventually thank you for having the guts to end the relationship when he finds his true rib. There is nothing difficult in telling him the truth about what you feel for the father of your child. Just be very honest. The plain truth is that you haven’t really fallen out of love with your past. Let this man know that you will never be able to love another the way you love the father of your child. As for his family, they will understand that it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage. In taking back your man, ensure whatever caused the initial problem is properly discussed and settled. So it doesn’t cast a permanent shadow in your relationship. Good luck.

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met the lady I am about to marry last year. She is a wonderful woman, but very stubborn. I really love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She has met my family; they all like her but the greatest challenge I have is how to present her two and a half year old baby boy to my family. Knowing my mother, she won’t accept the fact that this lady has had a child. I know this because the lady I intended marrying three years ago also had a child from a previous relationship. Despite her contributions to my education and all that she did for my family, my mother insisted I couldn’t marry her on account of the baby she had in her previous relationship. It was very painful but there was little I could do given the fact that I desire my wife and mother to be friends. My mother’s stance on the matter is that through the child, the mother and father could get back together especially if the child is ill or has a need that requires the attention of the father. She cited the story of her elder sister who left her marriage to get back with the father of her first child. When I met my current woman, she didn’t tell me about her child, at least not for the first two months. By the time I got to know, I was already in love with her. I had no choice but to forgive her. But I didn’t tell anybody within my family about the child, not even my sisters both of whom I was very close to. Each time she is coming to our house, she leaves the baby with her mother. I have tried talking her into leaving the baby with her mother permanently, but she appears unwilling to. She says I have to learn to love her and her baby since she isn’t ready to leave the child with her mother. She also says she doesn’t care what my mother or family members think since they don’t expect her to throw the baby away simply to please them. We have debated this inside out. Now she is pregnant for me and we are planning our marriage. As a matter of fact, our wedding day is two weeks away. I shudder to think of what would happen to her and our marriage if my mother discovers she already has a child. I have also suggested giving the child back to the father if she cannot give the child to her mother. That too, she rejected. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love my mother, she suffered so much to bring us up and I don’t want to ever hurt her. I am her only son. I am at a crossroad. Much as I love my woman, I am also wondering if I can cope with her unusual obstinate nature. Even when I pleaded with her to do it for me, at least until we have our own children and nobody can hurt her anymore, she still refused. She is even planning for the child to be present on the wedding day; she actually suggested that we use him as the pageboy. How do I resolve this issue? Please help me as I am becoming fed up with everything. Daniel. Dear Daniel, From your letter, you have told the story of what your family and wife-to-be want, but nowhere did you say what you want as a man. As the man at the centre of this whole drama, you must have a say because the issue concerns you more than anybody else. No serious minded man leaves his home to chance or the opinions of others. It is either you want the child or not. It has nothing to do with what your mother feels or your wife for that matter. Staying on the fence in a delicate matter as this won’t help you or your home. This is not a transient situation; rather it is a permanent thing. Therefore, if you are not comfortable with it from the beginning, your chances of being a good husband to the mother and worthy father to the boy are very slim. The happiness of your home is pegged on your ability to adequately perform these roles very well. Once anything limits your ability to function as a good husband and father to this child, then your decision to marry the mother becomes void. This is because his very presence in your home will continue to irritate you, causing you to react in ways that you should ordinarily not when angry. There is therefore the need for you and your intended wife to sit and discuss as truthfully as possible. Let her know precisely what you feel about the issue of her baby. As it is, you are deliberately hiding behind your mother to voice your own uneasiness with the idea of the child staying permanently with you. Your woman doesn’t know you are really the one who isn’t comfortable, hence her insistence that the child will stay with both of you. She thinks if you don’t have a problem with the child, your mother shouldn’t. Not until you come out with what you really feel, your woman will never shift grounds. Before you both make a costly mistake, one you will both end up regretting, let her know what you really feel about her child. It will help her come to a realistic decision on where to leave him until it is expedient for you to bring in the child. Life is about compromises, particularly in a marriage where two strangers are coming together to begin a family. She has to be convinced that her decision to marry you is right while she also has to assure you that she would give you the support and respect needed for you to function as the head of the home. This issue concerning where her child stays must first be tackled before your wedding day. To go into a marriage with your very opposing views would be very unfair on your marriage. The burden of your differences will be too heavy for your marriage to bear. The implication would be constant quarrels, the kind that will sooner or later wear down the fabrics of your dreams as a couple. Although the child ordinarily should not be your burden, but since you have elected to marry the mother, it is only fair that you encourage mother and child relationship. At age two and a half, returning the child to the father may not be too tidy unless the mother of the man is willing to take on the child. However, the child’s mother should have the freedom to visit whenever she likes. But you have to know why she is unwilling to let her mother to take on the child permanently. Encouraging her to talk about the child, her own mother and all the situations she has been through will at the end of the day give you a clear idea of how to intervene in this matter. Trust me, nothing good ever comes out of giving orders. She has to listen to your reasons just as you must know her reasons too. Once both of you have a common ground, it would be very easy to convince your mother about her child. It is also important not to totally dismiss your mother’s worries. Her years of experience on earth have exposed her to the kind of situations you haven’t gone through or even seen yet. No matter how annoying her stance on this matter is, give her the benefit of doubt by asking her for help. At any rate, your woman is already pregnant, so your mother cannot completely insist on you terminating the relationship. Therefore, go to her before she finds out on her own. Her reactions to your woman can still be moderated than if you both go to her with the story. Let her know that fear of how to present the subject of the child to her led to your delay in telling her. And that it wasn’t out of disrespect or mischief. Enlist the help of your sisters to confront your mother. Ignore whatever they all say; the important thing is for her to find out from you before she gets to hear about it from other sources or on the wedding day. The idea of the child featuring in the wedding train would have been the height of insult to your mother’s feelings. What is missing in this whole situation is communication. You must all be willing to talk about the subject of this child. Don’t forget that whatever decision you all take concerning this child will tell on the person he turns out to be and that this child is going to be the elder brother to all your children. For this reason, you must therefore take more interest in what becomes of him since you are marrying the mother. Good luck.

My bridesmaid stole my man on our wedding day…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Several years ago, I was disappointed on the day of my white wedding with the only man I loved. Without explaining, what my offences were, he left me standing like a fool in my wedding gown on the day I was supposed to be the happiest. Funny enough my bridesmaid, who was with me in the church, took an excuse to go urinate but never bothered to return. After two hours of waiting endlessly for the man who was supposed to wed me on that day and a bridesmaid whose disappearance I couldn’t understand, my parents took me home to nurse me back to emotional stability. I had to leave the country to stay with my elder brother. Those days were very difficult for me as there was no news from my best friend. I was getting very worried but my parents as well as hers kept assuring me she would be found. If her parents knew what happened, they didn’t say so, but they were always calling me to know if I was okay. As for my ex, I couldn’t be bothered but after five years, I ran into him by accident in London. He was in company of my former best friend and bridesmaid, married and with children. Seeing them both brought back those memories I didn’t want to remember. Although I had no way of knowing but something very deep inside of me had always known that my bridesmaid disappearance was not unconnected with my ex standing me up on our wedding day. I didn’t bother to acknowledge their presence, just walked past them. I don’t know how they found out where I stay, but they have been sending people to come and plead with me. They are actually asking for a chance to come and explain to me what happened on that day. But my mind is made up, I will never forgive both of them for causing me so much pains. Because of that incident, I have been unable to trust any man enough to fall in love. I see everyman as evil. Besides, knowing that they both left my life to be together makes it the more difficult for me to forgive them. How can I forgive the two people I loved the most in life for hurting me the way the did? Was it wrong to have introduced my boyfriend to my best friend? My brother and parents all want me to forgive them but it is impossible because I have vowed never to let go of all that they did to me. Is it wrong, my stance of not ever forgiving them? Something tells me from the attitude of my parents and siblings that they are not happy with my decision not to forgive and never to trust again. I am 32 and even if I want to forgive them, I don’t know how to let go. The pains will never go away no matter how hard I try. Semilore. Dear Semilore, There is no balm as complete and powerful as forgiveness. Without it, you and I will be nowhere. If you want to go far in life, experience happiness and love, you just have to let go of the memories of what these persons did to you. Therefore everything is wrong with your decision not to forgive. Life without forgiveness is like an empty shell because our imperfection makes us daily candidates for forgiveness. When you refuse to forgive, it makes forgiveness difficult to obtain from God and others. Besides, when one nurses bitterness against another person for too long, it becomes a cancer, which eats into that person if not controlled. Soon, the bitterness begins to reflect in the person’s attitude to everything happening around him or her. You may not know it, but the resentment in you may be reflecting in your attitude and reactions to things around you, the reason your family is asking you to let go. More often than not, it is the people around that suffer more from the attitude of a person who is unable to forgive. While friends and family may have started with sympathy but this soon turns to worry and later silent anger at the attitude of the person. In addition, your refusal to let go is blinding you to the other reasons God may not have wanted you in such a marriage. Remember, if your marriage to your ex were meant to be, nothing and nobody would have been able to come between the two of you. The fact that he stood you up on your wedding day underscores his irrelevance in your life. And one of the reasons you must make an effort to forgive him is that God allowed it to happen before you made the mistake of marrying him. What would you have done if it happened after you married him? How would you have felt discovering that your so-called best friend and your husband were having an affair right under your nose? If you look beyond your hurt and pains, you will appreciate that they actually did you a favour because he would never have been able to love or give you the kind of happiness you deserve feeling the way he felt about your friend. For him to have left you for your friend on your wedding day meant what he felt and still feels for her has deeper roots than what he felt for you. You would never have been able to cope with that kind of situation. For this reason, release them so that you too would feel the power of love. One of the many lessons life has taught me is that love can happen in very unexpected places. Terrible as the decision of these two people appear to be, see it as one of those things that give character to our persons. Without such life changing experiences, our personal history books will be devoid of occurrences that will either help inspire others or pull them out of emotionally troubled waters. Our experiences are solution incubators for others to learn and grow from. Granted, yours was painful and dehumanising. However the truth is, you don’t have the patent for it. Some men and women have gone through similar situations and are today happy for such timely intervention by God. Have you ever considered that fact if you both had ended as an item, one of you might have gone before today? Remember, God doesn’t do anything without a reason. He is the only one that sees the end from the beginning. No matter what you feel, how painful and hurtful, submit yourself to the supremacy of God. This way, it would be easier for you to forgive this couple. The reason the memory remains fresh is your refusal to let go. If you had accepted offers to date other men, you would have since gotten over the emotional pains of being left standing on the altar. At 32, your biological clock is ticking, it is oblivious of whatever pains you are going through. By refusing to date another man, you are denying yourself with each the day you spend on the same spot the opportunity of being happy and of becoming a mother too. Of what use is your refusal to move on? The two people who hurt you are happy with each other and have children to show for it. Even if you silently thought he would one day come back to you, shouldn’t the fact that they are married with a family of their own enough reason for you to move on? You are unable to forgive because you have refused to let go. Once you make that vital decision, you will find that forgiveness is very easy. It is a simple matter of allowing yourself the freedom to exist in the shadows of God, of surrendering your life to Him as well as trusting in Him implicitly. The danger of not surrendering to the will of God is to stagnate the hands of God in your life. Once you allow yourself to live again, trust in love and experience once again the comfort of being in love, you will forget all these. It is a matter of having the right attitude towards life. Regard whatever happened that day as a closed chapter in your life. It is time for you to take stock, what were the things you ignored, didn’t count important in that relationship? The incident that led to you being left in the altar didn’t begin that day; you just didn’t bother to take on the signs. By reviewing your mistakes as a person, you are helping yourself become better to take on the challenge of a new relationship. For reasons best known to God, you needed this incident to effect some changes in your life and attitude. Only a free and willing heart can embrace the inherent lesson here. When next a man comes, submit the desires of his interest to God; leaving Him to do what He knows how to do best. I am sure several years down the road you will have reasons to thank God for your narrow escape. Good luck.

Six years’ widowhood, no love relationship

with Agatha Edo08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a young widow; have been one for six years. Painfully and strangely, in all these years I have been widowed, no man has come close to asking me out; let alone a relationship with me. It isn’t as if I am ugly; by every standard and without sounding immodest, I am pretty. I am so confused about this. I am too young to be on my own; I need a man in my life but I sincerely lack knowledge of how to go about resolving my problem. Please, Agatha, tell me how to handle this issue, which is slowly killing me as a woman. Confused Widow. Dear Confused Widow, In our society there are so many myths and clouds of doubts surrounding widows especially if the man died under mysterious circumstances. In this part of the world, a man doesn’t just die without his wife knowing the cause of his death. Unfortunate as it is, widowhood in this part of the world is a curse particularly for the young woman who has ambition to remarry again. Even if a man really wants to be part of the woman’s life, his family and friends will never allow him be for the simple reason that the woman may have killed her husband to get his property or buy herself freedom from a bad marriage. It is always a woman’s fault when her husband dies. In your case, it appears that there is more to your story. If for six years, no man is coming near you, then something is very wrong somewhere. The time has come for you to move on, change your location to a place nobody knows about your story or the kind of death your late husband died from. But before you do this, be sincere to yourself. Face the truth about his death, your relationship with his people and the attitude of even those close to you during his death as well as after. If the consensus is that you are guilty, what makes people think you are guilty so much so there seems to be an unspoken order to men not to approach you for a relationship? Did you at anytime commit any social act that people think is responsible for the death of your husband? To move forward and be completely free of all that you have been through, take an introspective look into your life with a view of making peace with God. When things become this complicated as well as confusing, there is only one place to go. He knows and sees everything. Once you make peace with Him, it becomes easy for you to move on with your life. Whatever it is that is stalling your happiness, making it impossible for another man to appreciate you as a woman, has to be removed by God to open your face up to the appreciation of other men. Ask Him to send you to a pastor who He has prepared to conduct a deliverance session for you. Sincerely, your story and situation go beyond the ordinary. Something somewhere is holding things up for you and unless it is cleared, you may end up completely frustrated. This is why you must be truthful and alert to the spirit of God within you because that is the only way for you to move on. Changing your environment will help you set new goals for yourself. It will give you a new lease of life, the liberty to dream again. Because life is a big school and our experiences, the examination that takes us to the next classroom, you must be prepared to learn from all your past experiences to make your next attempt at being happy achievable. Sometimes, the things we count as unimportant are those things that stand against us in our times of trial and battles. You may have said one or two things in a moment of heated exchange of words with your late husband that is today working against you. A wholesome character comes from care and sensitivity to the feelings of those around us. African society is the kind where anything done or said can be amplified to mean so many things when something goes wrong. A wife must therefore be careful of the kind of attitude she puts up when having issues with her husband. The delicate and frail nature of life means that we treat every moment we have with loved ones with absolute care to avoid unwittingly branding ourselves with names that do not reflect our true nature. Only a complete change of environment would offer you the kind of clean platform to begin life all over again. When a man wants a woman, her appearance isn’t always what he is looking for but her character is what he is looking into. A woman may wear the Miss World crown; if she lacks the right character to go with it, an ugly-looking woman with a flawless character is more likely to get a good husband than she does. Therefore, it isn’t just about your pretty face but about your character as well as the spiritual freedom to progress from the point you are in. Good luck.

My children disapprove of my remarrying at 50

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 50 this year. I have been divorced for over 20 years and I have four children. I had three for my ex- husband while my last child came from an affair I had with someone else. The father of my last child was very much interested in marrying me but I didn’t love him enough to be his second wife. Besides, I didn’t want to be involved with the hassles of struggling for a man with another woman. I had enough marital problems from my previous marriage. The decision to remain single was also taken to give me time to invest in my children’s welfare. I didn’t want to lose them too which in my views would happen if I had married at that time. My first and second children are married. The third one is in her third year in the higher institution while my baby is about to write her Senior Secondary School examinations. Without knowing it, I am almost alone. In the last four years, I have been in a relationship with a widower who is interested in marrying me. With all of them almost out of the house, I decided to give matrimony a trial once again. I cannot stand the idea of staying alone. Rather than my children to be happy for me, they are all angry with me. My two married daughters are dismissing my reason for wanting to get married saying being a grandmother is enough work on its own; that I can always rotate visiting them. They further argued that they indeed need me more than before to look after their children and that at my age, I am too old to marry. Even though my two younger children are not so vocal but they have to stand with their elder sisters in solidarity. My younger sisters all support my move and have told my children to allow me be. How selfish can children be? Can you imagine my second daughter asking me what I need a man for at my age? Am I too old to have feelings anymore simply because I have reached menopause? After devoting my life to them, they are not ready to allow me be. I love them; they are all I have and live for but I also need to move on. At my age, I need companionship; what do they expect me to do when I need the comfort of a man? Is it wrong to crave for happiness again? Their father, since leaving us, has remarried. His only contribution to their lives was coming on the day of their native and white wedding ceremonies to play his role as father of the brides. I have shouldered single-handedly all their responsibilities. All I am asking from them is their understanding. I want to be a woman all over again. Is it too much to ask? What do these children want from me? I am very hurt, Agatha. Help me deal with this challenge because I am saddened by their attitude and meanness towards me. Theresa. Dear Theresa, At 50, you are more than ripe to make your decisions. You don’t need their permission to be happy in life. Children, by nature, are very selfish especially when their parents are separated. They usually cling to the parent they are with, refusing to grant the parent any freedom to chart a life of his or her own. They see any attempt by the parent to have a life with another person as shutting them out permanently. It is usually a very difficult and emotional time for the parent whose emotional needs also must be satisfied. That is why some parents rush into other relationships or marriages once they obtain freedom from a previous marriage. The reason is to prevent a battle of monopoly in later years. Mostly, they are reacting to the fear of complete abandonment by their two parents. Irritating and absurd as this may sound, your children are afraid that allowing another man into your life means they will become irrelevant in your life and their movement in and out of your life will be restricted because they now have to knock on doors, they never had reason to knock on before entering. It is obvious that you still need to make them understand some basic facts about life, especially the two of them that are married. They are the ones that you have to work on the most. Like you said, the younger ones may not think anything of you remarrying as long as it doesn’t affect their access to you or pocket money, the only ones on the other hand want you entirely for the sake of their own children.If you remain single, it will be a lot easier for them to dump their children on you anytime; the only kind of company they reason you would need at your age. Without your undivided attention focused on them only, they are afraid you may come up with excuses as to why you cannot have the grandchildren at a particular time. This is why the older ones are more infuriated at the idea of you remarrying. Normally as women, they should be the ones campaigning for you to remarry considering how lonely it would be for you now that they are all almost out of the house. Like my mother once said, if a mother isn’t careful or wise, she would end up being her children’s unpaid as well as unofficial house-help. They are being both malicious and mischievous if they say they don’t need a man at your age or that you are too old. The third semester of a person’s life could be the loneliest particularly if that person is single. It is the time of an adult’s life when companionship is most desired because the children are all leaving to start their own families. What do they expect you to do? Call them for a private meeting with you. The meeting is not to plead with them about your decision but to ask them what you have done wrong to them to deserve their opposition to your decision to be happy. Perhaps the time has come for you to tell them how you managed all these years to stay sane emotionally. Let them know what it cost you to stay alone for their sakes. Tell them if you had intended to abandon them, it would have been in your younger years. Make it clear to them that you may have attained the wisdom age but you are not without feelings as a woman. And to brand you old and worthless as a woman is unpardonable. This is no time to massage whatever ego or right they think they have over your life. As a mother and parent, you haven’t given them any reason to be ashamed but now that they are passing out of your home, the time has come for you to drag the woman in you out of the cupboard of time where you have kept her. Demand to know from them if they would have tried to stop you if you were a man.End it by asking how they would feel if each time they come for visits with their children, they meet a different man in your bedroom? Let them chew on that possibility for a while. They don’t have to apologise now but eventually when they see you are determined to go ahead with your decision; they will eventually come around to your way of thinking. But, you must ensure the man you are marrying is the kind of father figure they need. Their resentment is a clear indication that deep down they haven’t really gotten over the issue of their father and you. They are really scared that they would lose you too as they did their father once he got himself another woman. Ensure the man is the kind that can bring all of them together, has the maturity to overlook their initial response to him. His interest in them would make it easy for you to function in your roles as grandmother and mother to both your children and his. By doing the very things they fear you may not be able to do for them once married, will make them thaw towards you and your husband faster than anything else. Encourage him to stop by in their houses to greet them without you. If he understands all the issues involved, he will know the politics of ensuring harmony in all your lives. Involving his children too in this integration plan will indeed help smoothen things better. The young have a way of communicating to each other better than when older people try to talk to them. Above all, just give yourself up to the will of God. Good luck.