We Have Only A Child

Dear Agatha,

Please, I need your counsel on this problem. I am 47 and my wife is 40 and we have only one child. Since the birth of this child, nothing has happened till date.

Worried man.

 

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Dear Worried Man,

Let me begin by assuring you that what you are going through is not unknown to God and that only He knows why He does certain things.

Again, give Him all the glory that He gave you a child. There are countless others who would love to have one of their own but are not so blessed as you are. These people, didn’t offend God to warrant what is happening to them but who are they to challenge or confront God?

Celebrate God who in His indefinite wisdom has given you this child to be guardian to. Invest all your love in this child, take care that you don’t over-indulge the child though. Show your child the ways of God and allow the will of God prevail at all times.

More often than not, the challenge in life is not the number of children a couple has but the attention that goes into bringing up a child. Rather than worry about your inability to have more children, why not begin to think and plan the life of this child?

Every child needs a solid foundation to get a good start in life. The issue here is about quality parenting not, quantity parenting. If a couple is rich in quantity parenting but lacks the grace or ability to give quality guidance to the children, chances of those children giving the parents the joy and rest that come with having children are very slim.

Many who are today criminals, ‘area boys’ and society rejects all have parents who celebrated their conception and ability to have a lot of children.

The end of a journey is what justifies the beginning. The happiness this child would give you in your later years depends on how much attention you invest in its life now.

Rather than worry about why God is not giving more children, don’t deny yourself the thrills of being a parent or appreciating this special gift God has given you. When we worry too much about those things we think we should have, we forget the important things of showing appreciation for that which we have and enjoying it.

Worrying about your desire to have more children; has the ability to deny you the chance of investing concentration on this child. Your worries would also rob you of the ability to relax and enjoy all the God-given beauty in this wonderful child.

It would also deny you the ability to laugh with and at your child as well as the relaxation needed to build memorable memories together.

Give yourself the chance to be wholeheartedly involved in the growth and development of this child. It is imperative you enjoy this child now to avoid regrets that you will get later for not investing all of yourself in the most important years of your life. This is the time the child needs you and the mother the most. Don’t for whatever reason make your child feel your worry over inability to have another child.

By enjoying the gift of this child, you perish any negative thoughts and worries of having only one.

It would also afford you the opportunity of appreciating the exceptional gift of God to you.

The beauty of having a small family is that one is able to plan properly for their future. Besides, it takes one person in a family to bring about a positive change. This may be an only child, but if you and your wife know how to pray, this child may bring the world more honour and you fame than hundreds of children.

And if you really want more children, adoption is an angle you could explore.

Not everybody is meant, for inexplicable reasons, to have plenty of children but, this natural impediment can be circumvented through the process of adoption. Adopted children if given the right love, support, care, patience and understanding end up just like one’s biological children.

If you and your wife treat an adopted child as your own, you will get the same joy as that of any other parent. Even with one’s own biological children, if the essential training and attention are lacking, chances of that child turning out successful are very slim.

This is an option you should consider if your thirst for more children is more than you can bear.

Opening your heart and home to the presence and gift of an adopted child might just be what God is waiting for to begin his massive miracle in your marriage. He may be waiting for you to invest your massive love for children in one of those children whose biological parents’ responsibility ended the day the father contributed his seed or the woman gave birth to them.

These children need a home, comfort of parents, love of the society and an identity to go through life with. Offering one of these children your love would not only give you answer to your problem but also give the child the love he or she needs to make it through life.

It is also important you don’t allow your wife be affected by your worries over another child. If she senses your anxiety, the fear of you being pressured into having another child outside your home may put her under severe stress, a condition that might make conception very difficult especially at her age.

All the indices have to be perfect for a woman to conceive with ease. If she has had a child, it means whatever the problem is, it means it is secondary infertility, a situation which in most cases are emotional than physical.

What has been your attitude towards the situation? Do you give her the impression that you hold her responsibility for not being able to have another baby? What is the attitude of your family to her? Do they also think she is to blame? Even though this is a case of secondary infertility, the fault could still come from you. So don’t assume too much.

Even though a woman is usually the prime suspect in infertility issues, science is showing an increasing male complicity in infertility cases among couples.

Support her in every way you can because marriage is about being able to withstand the difficult times. It gives courage and rest of mind to a woman to know that her husband is on her side.

Granted, your own pains are real, but in this situation, she needs all your support and encouragement to face her world, to outgrow her feelings of inadequacy and failure as a woman.

Giving her support would also make it possible for both of you to form a united front to be able to give your child all the security to be so happy.

This is because a woman is the one mostly affected when issues like this come up. You must do all within your power to allay her fears that her position in your home is intact irrespective of whether she is able to give you another child or not.

Remember, that marriage is like a wrapped gift pack. You only discover what is in it when you open it. None of you bargained for this problem so to blame each other for a situation you have no control over is only to compound the already tensed situation at home.

There is nothing love cannot do. Give the love that brought both of you together the chance to heal whatever wounds have been afflicted by this situation.

Asking God for help and direction is the only way you can overcome completely.

Good luck.

She Didn’t Tell Me About Her Son

Dear Agatha,

Please help me before I make the biggest mistake of my life.

Understand and appreciate the role you are playing in the lives of many people. I am sure a lot of people in my shoes or with other types of problems are aware of your rare contributions to the lives of many people through your daily column in the Independent titles. May God continue to bless you with more wisdom to do more for us and to enhance the quality of your life.

I got married eight years ago to the woman I thought I knew so much. We dated for four years, which makes it a total of 12 years that we have been together.

We have three children, two girls and a boy.

Agatha, given my experience with women, I thought I was beyond being surprised by them. Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with a lady for six years but who dashed my hopes by dating my best friend.

The betrayal took a long time to heal. So you can imagine my current state of mind when I discovered by accident that the woman I have three children with, whom I thought I knew very well, has a 16-year-old son.

Ironically, the boy isn’t a total stranger to me. My wife’s family presented him to me as my wife’s nephew all along. According to them, he was the son of their late daughter. I had no reason to think otherwise until I came back home unexpectedly from a trip to a fight between my wife and her supposed nephew. From the doorway, I overheard him accusing my wife of being insensitive and wicked for sleeping well while she continues to deny him of the love of a mother.

He told her he was tired of being kept out of her life.

Since then my wife and her family have been running from pillar to post trying to explain why such an important information was kept from me. According to my wife, her mother insisted she kept it from me to prevent me from changing my mind about marrying her.

Agatha, given the way I felt about her then, I would still have married her.

In view of my latest discovery about her, I am not so sure I want to stay with a woman who can treat her own child so cruelly. If she can deny her own child, what assurances do I have, she won’t do the same to me when the going gets tough?

I don’t know what to do about my marriage anymore? I have lost confidence in her, the marriage as well as all the respect I have for her family.

I really want to end everything because if she can lie about having a child, how am I sure she hasn’t also lied about all the other things she has told me?

My parents say they would respect any decision I take on the matter. Would you, Agatha support my leaving this woman?

I am at the most critical cross-roads in my life.

Disappointed Man.

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Dear Disappointed Man,

No, I won’t support your packing up your marriage even though your wife’s conduct leaves much to be desired.

You see, marriage is a long journey into the unknown. At times, it is so sweet while at other times, it is very bitter and painful. Marriage draws its attributes and character from life itself, which is never stable. It takes real determination not to give up on life when the pains become too much to bear.

Doubtless, life must have dealt you some very excruciating pains before. I am sure, determination made you overcome those pains, as well as give you the needed will to go on trying. This is not different from all the other pains you have gone through.

Much as I appreciate this bouquet of pain comes with much more stings, the fact remains that without a will to let go of the horrors of today, you may not be able to forgive your wife.

By focusing alone on the betrayal and the attendant implications of her actions, you will never be able to think rationally about the other even more damaging implications of quitting the marriage.

Think of the children whose lives would be affected at the end of the day. Doubtless your wife did the unpardonable but scratching an itch with the intensity it requires would only attract blood and scars.

Nobody would blame you too much if you find it difficult to trust her for a long time to come. What you are feeling is very natural because trust has been broken and your person taken for a fool.

But all these would change if you give yourself time to heal naturally. Incomprehensible as her actions may be, listen to her reasons for doing it and ask yourself with all the honesty you have within you if you would have considered marrying her if you knew? And if you would have, what about your family? Would they have approved of you marrying her?

Think of all the angles to it. Also, factor in the influence of her mother and family. If her family pressured her into not telling you and going ahead to introduce the child to you as that of their dead daughter, the matter went beyond her.

From their stance, they didn’t want to take any chance and must have told her if you left her on account of the child, they would not be there to cushion her fall.

Fear may have been the real reason she didn’t tell you. And as time went on, it became more difficult for her to tell the truth.

This is usual given the period of time between when you found out and when you both met.

Only time can really heal you of this wound because it is really deep. For now, let your mind focus on the good times you have had with her in your 12 years of being together. Remember how it was before this unfortunate incident happened. To have married her after four years of dating and having three children with her shows that she means so much to you; that you both have something unusually peaceful.

Yes, she erred terribly by refusing to trust you with the secret of her past and allowing herself to be willing collaborator in the scheme of her parents but what is prime here is the quality of happiness she has brought into your life as well as the gift of fatherhood.

What would you tell your children later in life? That you drove their mother away on account of their brother? By then the story of her not telling you would not be so bad but the memory and incident of sending her away on account of a person who is related to them by blood would never leave their memory.

Whatever you say by then to justify your actions, it might not make much sense to them.

Also, think of the effect it would have on the boy if he knows that his mother was sent away because of him. Because of what has happened to him in the past, he would consider it as another evidence of rejection. He would never believe you are on his side.

Granted, he may not be related to you but he is to your children.

Because of the uncertainty of the future, the best you can do for him now is to help integrate him into the family. Remember, he is an innocent party.

Let your wife explain the circumstances of his birth and why his father isn’t involved in his life. It might make it easier for you to understand why she decided on her option. Most times it is easier to condemn when we are not in the position of those we take delight in condemning.

Much as she doesn’t have the right to deny her son, when a young woman is faced by the choices she had to make when she met you, the easier option seems to be the most appealing.

The health of every marriage is dependent on unconditional forgiveness.

Your parents understand this which is why they have given you the liberty to take your decisions. This marriage would only survive if you play the role of the father, which you are, by having the heart to forgive her.

I know it isn’t easy but this is the stuff real marriages are made of.

Going to God in prayer would make forgiveness easier.

Good luck. 

He Has Taken To Drinking Heavily

Dear Agatha,

I am a mother of four children and I have been married for 10 years. The major problem I am facing now is my husband, who has taken to drinking alcohol, a habit he never indulged in before now.

Regina.

 

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Dear Regina,

When a human being take to habits totally alien to everything he or she believed in then two things are obviously wrong.

The first could be peer influences or stressful situations either at home or in the office.

Is he out of job? Has he recently acquired strange friends whose lifestyles are entirely different from his? How close are the two of you and how well do you know him, his friends, challenges, thoughts and dreams?

Judging by the current standards in your home, can you in all honesty say he has achieved much as a man especially compared to his childhood friends and peers?

Having had four children together, you must have a fair knowledge of your husband to know that all is not well and that his recently acquired habit is a clarion call for help.

What first aid have you applied to it beyond voicing it out?

This is a very delicate matter, which requires wisdom, comprehensive analysis as well as absolute honesty to navigate.

There is no contesting the fact that your marriage is in danger of lack of direction; brought about by logistics, which you must unearth.

Can you remember the time it started and what happened at the time he took to drinking? It may not be something very fundamental but anything could be used as an excuse by anybody desirous of misbehaving.

Begin the searchlight from your end. As a spouse how would you rate yourself as well as describe your place in this man’s life?

Are you the loyal and dedicated type, the woman who is positive minded and not easily influenced by the evidences of what she sees? Most often than not, women unwittingly push their husbands into opposite ends of their normal behavioural patterns.

Your husband would not take to drinking without a real reason. Is his home conducive in terms of emotional peace? If he waited until you have had four children to become alcoholic, then something is very wrong somewhere. What changed about you to make him dread the idea of coming home? Nagging is one of the easiest ways to drive any person insane particularly a man who desires peace in his life and home.

Look back at the woman you were, the one he met and fell in love with, married and have children with to the one you are now? What has changed dramatically about the two women? Are you still as loving and supportive of him as you were before or one who is constantly reminding him of his failures as a man?

Taking to drink and not women shows he is not doing it for pleasure or that he is irresponsible. It is a clear indication that he is going through a severe and stressful situation. An irresponsible man would take to women without thinking twice about the effect his passion for the skirt would cause his family.

His attraction to alcohol is to give him the peace he obviously craves for. It is an escapist route meant to keep reality away. So, what reality is he escaping from? You can only help him by admitting to the truth concerning the quality of your marriage.

If you are the problem, don’t hesitate to retrace your steps because the deeper he gets into the habit the more difficult it becomes to wean him off it.

By making conscious effort to change would signal a corresponding desire on his part to do away with this habit because in the first place the dependency isn’t something he is enjoying at all. He is only doing it for the simple reason of escaping to an imaginary perfect world completely different from the situation he is experiencing at home.

You need an all-embracing attitude to do a good job of this and can only be accomplished if you think there is a lot to be salvaged remaining in the marriage.

There is no way you can be honest if you are also going through bouts of emotional pain, accompanied by disappointment at having made the wrong choice. Whether you admit to it or not, there must be something about your marriage that isn’t making you short-fussed. Don’t be afraid to bring it out of the inner part of the cupboard you have hidden all your fears because there may never be this kind of opportunity to openly and boldly address it.

If this is what you are going through, you have to take time out on your own to sort out your feelings. This means finding a way of getting through to him with the aim of talking things over, sharing your thoughts together and finding a loophole in your bitterness to exploit to the good of your marriage.

You may not know until this development that your marriage was going down the slope. Men unlike women are not talkative, they believe more in actions than talking and nagging.

To help you both recover from your individual disappointments, attempts must be made to focus on wrestling your marriage from the extra baggage challenges of marriage usually visit on a union between man and wife.

If you see it as what ever other couple is battling with, chances of both of you being able to get it behind both of you is very high but, if you think it is peculiar to your marriage, it might consume both of you.

Your solution is not the kind that must be rushed or forced. Get him to listen and dialogue with you. Use your body, food and all the good things he likes about you to get him to come home sober and willing to talk because he cannot be on alcohol throughout the day.

Once peace is assured at home dig deep into his official life. Is he happy with his work? What is his relationship with his bosses and co-workers? Is he getting job satisfaction from what he is doing? Is he involved in any deal that is putting him under undue pressure? A good wife should know what her husband thinks about his choice of career and his level of satisfaction. If he isn’t fulfilled, encourage him to quit and go solo. As his wife, your job is to ensure he has the peace of mind to execute his functions as the head of the home. Anything that would remove from his pride as the man of the house must be avoided by at all cost. A woman’s first job is to provide succour and coverage for her man at all times.

One of such ways is to be on her knees constantly praying her husband out of danger and into huge success. That your husband is finding succour in beer bottles might be an indication that you are weak spiritually hence cannot give him the spiritual help he needs to be happy and successful.

A lot would depend on how far you are ready to go for this man who stole your heart away several years ago.

There is also the need for you to check the new friends that have mingled with his old friends. Take time out to investigate them. Who among them is a very negative influence, pray that person out of his life before he does more damage to your home.

Don’t do the common thing of fighting that friend. Pretend you are not aware of the damage he is doing to your home. To physically engage the enemy in a fight for supremacy over your husband would not be in your interest because your husband is already too involved with them.

By also encouraging your husband to come home to drink if he must drink would make hanging out with the ‘boys’ unnecessary. In situation like this, you cannot afford to be too rigid at this point when the battle is fierce. Being uncompromising would only lose the battle for you. Allowing him to drink at home would enable you monitor him as well as put the habit under control.

You also have to beam your searchlight on external forces like his own extended family as well as his confidence. If his friends are all making it and he isn’t doing so well, your task is to give him all the encouragement to bring him out of his melancholy you have to give him every reason to want to challenge and defeat his situation.

What he needs now is a delicate handling until he is strong enough psychologically to face life stumbling.

Being alert spiritually would at the end of the day solve so many problems for you and your marriage.

Good luck.