I’m Dating My Cousin’s Ex

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for all you have been doing finding solutions to problems we throw at you. May the good Lord reward you for that.

I have been living in Europe for more than a decade. I am 42 years old. After trying two different relationships in Nigeria, I became disillusioned because these relationships didn’t work. Frankly, I became confused so decided to start something here in Europe. A cousin of mine linked me with a lady I eventually fell in love with but the issue here is that my cousin once dated her. He insists it doesn’t matter. 

They went their different ways because of the issue of their genotype. I am of the view that it isn’t right to date a woman my cousin has dated. The girl says they really didn’t go out.

The lady and I are deeply in love and you must have observed from my age, time is no longer on my side, and on her side either because she is in her early 30s. Please, I need your advice.

PP.

Dear PP,

As long as you are able to live with the knowledge, trusting them not to rekindle whatever they had in the past, there is really nothing to it. The only challenge is your ability to bury the memory of whatever it is both of them had in the past.

However, there is the need for both of you to be cautious. That you are both getting advanced in age doesn’t mean you have to rush into something you might both regret later. When it comes to marriage, a lot of issues have to be tackled to enable the couple enjoy significantly the bliss of being married.

So, what do you know about this lady beyond the fact that she once dated your cousin? Who is she? Can she be trusted to be a good, supportive, enduring, patient, understanding and caring wife? Do you think you both have what it takes to become good friends; to be able to laugh at, and with, each other? A good sense of humour between a man and woman who plan to live together through the thorny turns called marriage helps to douse tension in the home as well as create the right atmosphere for the two to make up when challenges come pouring in. 

As a man, how ready are you to share your space, time, resources, opinion and secrets with this woman? Are you prepared to make her the most important person in your life, consigning both your family and friends to the second and third positions after her? Do you love her for herself or the fact that you are becoming desperate to settle down? How well do you know her temperament? What are her drawbacks as a human being, the ones you just must learn to cope with as she is also expected to cope with the dark side of you?

I ask these questions to help you appreciate some of the issues that could cause a couple to have disagreements in the home. A lot of times, some people rush into marriage without looking or learning to appreciate their individuality first. There is no way anyone can be part of a team without first taking time out to study his or her limits as a person. 

The knowledge of one’s limit, more often than not, goes a long way in helping that person recognise the weakness in another person as well as the right attitude to help that person overcome it.

When we fail to appreciate that no one is perfect in life, that right from the factory we come with some defects and are unable to read our manufacturer’s instruction correctly, we become very impatient with others struggling through their limitations. 

So, before you and your girlfriend go through with the whole process, there is the need for you to sit down and talk as honestly as possible. At this age, it is very imperative you bring out all your fears especially as it has to do with her relationship with your cousin. For the last time, talk about it with all openness and oneness required to begin a journey together. From this early beginning, both of you should discuss whatever ground rules you want in place, what you expect of her particularly. A lot of problems come in marriages when couples attempt to change the goalpost at the middle of a game. Respect begets respect. For the marriage to succeed, both of you must learn the act of according to the other maximum respect, even when things are not going as expected. 

Once both of you are able to get the ground rules right from the beginning, a lot of the fears you are nursing now concerning her relationship with your cousin will be answered. 

Importantly, don’t forget the place of God in this matter. Always seek His approval first before doing anything, because with Him on your side, you will never have reasons to be resentful of the choice you make.

Good luck.

My Inability To Hook Girl, Any Spiritual Link?

Dear Agatha, 

Please prayerfully advise me on what to do. I don’t know whether to leave my father’s house or not. I am 27 years of age. Although I am not married, I have suffered too many broken relationships. I am told a lot of them have spiritual undertones. Please help me.

B.E.

Dear B.E.,

Who are those telling you these things? What sort of home is your father’s house? Is it a polygamous one with so many children and women contesting for recognition? What is your position in the home and relationship with all the other persons in that place? Is it a religious home or one that anything goes? Are you the only one suffering from these disappointments? Have others too noticed? Importantly what is your relationship with God like?

Before your father’s home can become a snare or curse to you, it is important to look at all the situations that have made it so. Sometime, we are actually the bane of our own problems in life by the attitude we put up and disposition to the concerns of those people around us. When we present ourselves as insensitive to the plights of those around us, it follows that when going through our own challenges those people that we ignored too would pretend not to notice our pains and struggles. 

What sort of child are you to your parents or brother to your siblings? Can you say with every sense of responsibility that you are a good child and sibling? It is only when you have eliminated your own complicity in the whole set up that you can look at other reasons. This is because in severe family related challenges, moving out of the family house may not be the panacea. It is only postponing dooms day.

There is no doubting the fact that some people suffer more family tribulations than others for what appears to be unjust reasons. In the depth of your hearts what do you think could be the reasons for your own challenges? Look around the family, their opinions and attitude towards you would point you at the right directions. 

Until the issue with your relationships, have you ever felt that you weren’t really making it that some forces are dragging you backwards? If you have never had reasons to suspect your family of trying to bring you down, perhaps you should look at the quality of the women you bring into your home. What is the common complaint among them? How did all the relationship break up? Looking at these relationships in retrospect and the way they ended, do you think they would have ended differently were you living elsewhere?

Before accusing fingers are pointed, in your interest, you must also look at your won faults in all these. There is the tendency for us to see things differently when our emotions are involved. Now that these women are gone from your life, what would you have loved to change about them? Do you think whatever led to your separation is justified? In bringing them to your father’s house do you abide by the decency code, not to sleep with them or advertise images your younger siblings should not be exposed to? And the all-important question is, do you think bringing women to your father’s house is ideal? At 27, don’t you think, you should be thinking of setting up your nest? Should one of them get pregnant where do you intend to stay with her? There is an adage that a man old enough to appreciate the backside of a woman must be prepared to take on the responsibilities that go with it. Falling in love goes beyond the romance, it is a cocktail of different shades of responsibilities, one, getting accommodation for the purpose of privacy. The hostility would be more if you don’t have a job to finance your feelings. 

Frankly speaking, these are issues that could lead to your family home becoming the bane of your problems in your relationships. If this is the case, learn to keep your affairs outside your father’s house until you are financially buoyant enough to get your own place.  Even if you have the means, your father’s house isn’t the right place to advertise your relationships.

However if the issue were spiritual, none of these would work as much as you first getting the right kind of spiritual help to neutralize whatever harms that may have been done to you. Again it depends on the credibility and motive of those telling you these things. Therefore, go to God first in prayers because he sees so many things we don’t see as well as know what we don’t. This way, you give Him complete authority to determine your fate as well as the exclusive rights to fight your battles no matter from where they are coming. Spiritual battles move with person from place to place and never go away until one is bold enough to confront them. So, leaving your father’s house isn’t a solution because you are his product and carries his genes inside of you. As his child, you remain susceptible until you stand up to fight whatever demons fighting you in your father’s house. 

Like I earlier said, the battle isn’t yours or anybody, but that of God, hence you must go on your knees not only to pray but to seek His assistance on where to go for complete deliverance. You have to be guided by Him, so you don’t end up going to the wrong place where nothing would either happen or one that will end up complicating your situation. You have to be helped by Him to locate your pastor and place of deliverance. If the battle is truly from your father’s house, it is one battle you need the grace of God to win. Since these are people who know everything about you, all the names you bear, your history as well as the important things, which could be used to further hurt you spiritually. They have the information no outsider will ever have about you.

If you are attentive enough, you will get instructions. Hence, for now be careful on who you talk to or where you go, to enable you get clear messages from God.  At the end of the day, God Himself will tell you what to do.

Good luck. 

Tired, Having Waited For Him In Vain

  Dear Agatha, 

I’m a lady of 27 years of age. I was into a relationship with a guy of 30 years. He was showing a kind of seriousness then and asking my father if he could bring his people for introduction. My father told him to hold on for a little to enable both of us get to know each other very well. To my disappointment, he went ahead to marry another person. Ever since then my passionate feelings for men died a natural dead.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Disappointed Lady.

Dear Disappointed Lady, 

No one can help you beside yourself. You have to learn to let go of the memories of the betrayal of your former boyfriend. Just accept the fact that both of you weren’t meant to be, else he would have waited for you. 

It is obvious that he was too much in a hurry to get married and for him any woman was okay as long as she was available to marry him.  Had you married him, it may not have worked out right for both of you. It certainly takes more than a hurried signature on the marriage certificate to make it work. 

Your father knows this, hence his counsel that both should wait a little bit to get to know each other. He spoke from a wealth of experience, so don’t blame him, rather be glad he did else you would be hooked a stranger who goes by the title of your husband. His inability to wait underscores the value he placed on you as well as the relationship. You were never really important to him. He was more interested in the idea of getting married more than whom he got married to. It would have been tough job getting such a man to think along your way or see things from your point of view. 

Marriages evolve on the platform of friendship, trust, loyalty, faith in the things we don’t see and know, love and endurance. If he believed in your relationship and has the trust that you and him were meant to be, he would have waited for you, no matter what. After all, your father didn’t say you can’t marry, but only wanted both of you to at least get to know yourselves better before taking the risk. As a matter of fact, you should be thanking God that things happened the way they did, because it has left you free to marry the kind of man that would make you happy. The lesson you should keep from this experience is that not every man you meet is qualified to be your husband. Some, no matter how much you desire it would ever be. It is also important you know that God determines your time and season, hence any attempt to fast track it will only meet with disappointments. 

Don’t worry, after each storm comes calm. The right man would come and when he does, nothing or woman would take him away. Just learn to depend on God the more.

Good luck.