Her flirtation with men wanes my trust for her

Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am so impressed at the way you solve people’s problems. I pray God should fill anywhere that looks like vacuum in your life with joy and happiness.
I am a guy of 21 years of age. My girlfriend is of the same age as I am. We have been dating each other for the past six or eight years, but unfortunately the relationship is presently causing me emotional pains and trauma.
It started like this, some months ago I chanced on a romantic SMS on her phone. It came from surprisingly the man she introduced to me as her uncle. I was not only hurt but also felt highly betrayed by this. So I decided to give her the space to execute her romance with the other man. However, we settled our differences some days later.

In August last year, she celebrated her birthday with her grandfather. I went in company of my friends but these friends and I were thoroughly ignored by her, making people around us to wonder if we gate crashed into the party.

On the other hand, she was all over the man who sent her the SMS.

Really embarrassed my friends and I left without bothering to inform her that we were leaving.

The next day, she came to my house. Still smarting from the embarrassing way she treated my friends and I, I told her it was over between us. She cried and begged me to forgive her. Some of my friends joined in persuading me to have a change of mind.

Based on this intervention from friends, I forgave her. Besides I thought she was really repentant.

But I was wrong. On Christmas day, she came to visit me. After some few minutes, she requested to take her leave and I saw her off. About four hours after she left, I in company of my friends went out to see another friend of ours. On our way, not far from a popular fast food restaurant, I saw my girlfriend in company of another man. From the look of things, they were just leaving the fast food joint.

I was very disappointed and depressed. When I confronted her the following day, she told me the man was a family member.

The issue is, I don’t trust her at all. I don’t know if I should continue with her or simply pack up the relationship.

Please, help me before I do something stupid.
Confused Boyfriend.


Dear Confused Boyfriend,

Trust is very fundamental in a relationship. Once trust is violated, it becomes extremely difficult to sustain a relationship.

There is no contesting the fact that your girlfriend has repeatedly given you so much reason not to trust her. Having lying to you previously about the actual relationship between her and a supposed uncle and giving you the cold water treatment during her party, you do have reasons to be apprehensive and doubtful about her claims to be related to this other man.

But you didn’t handle the situation very well. Had you approached her when you saw both of them, you would have been able to read from her reactions if she is telling the truth of not.

Because you allowed the opportunity slip away, unless you have not really forgiven her of her past mistakes, there is no way you can categorically label her claims as lies. That man could actually be a relative of hers.

What both of you should do is to sit down and have an honest discussion given the length of time you have both dated. If you have been together for close to eight years, it follows that both of you must have attained some measures of understanding to warrant both of you being very honest to each other about your feelings.

Unless you have spent the last eight years exploring your sexual desires instead of values that help sustain relationship through turbulences like you are now experiencing, both of you should be able to pull yourselves through this despite all the odds challenging your relationship.

If you are both 21 and have been dating for eight years, it means you both started dating when you were both 13. At that age, you were both too young and unknowledgeable about the values and attributes to look out for in your mates. At that age, you both were purely under the influence of adolescence hormones. Your values and expectations at that time you met and agreed to date were different. As emerging teenagers, your sense of excitement ruled supremely over your sense of values.

Excitement for you was instigated by the power to attract the opposite sex. Then, enduring qualities, like honesty, truthfulness, understanding, perseverance, support and absolute faithfulness meant nothing. What mattered then were the chemical reactions going on inside of your bodies. Your mind and bodies were permanently tuned to discovery channel.

But if you both had allowed your dreams to grow with your bodies, your mind to shift from discovery to reality button, you have both attained the understanding and maturity to tackle this inevitable period of your relationship.

Because of the stagnancy you have both allowed to build into your relationship, boredom and the need for excitement may have necessitated her going into another relationship. Even though this is no excuse and not an attempt to justify her treatment of you, fact remains that both of you need to sit down and work at getting rid of the web that gathered over the years.

It means starting afresh. Forgetting whatever it is that is causing both of your disappointment now. It means wiping the slate clean of all past mistakes and making a pledge to integrate into your relationship all those attributes you never thought of and didn’t know were important.

You are worried about trust because now you know its importance to your happiness. Now you know that love comes in different shades, that it is not another word for sex.

Having reached the stage in your life where your body and emotions are demanding for the same things, being very frank with her and giving her the final opportunity to confront and revisit the decision she took when she was still physically and emotionally an innocent virgin would go a long way in helping bring your relationship boat to berth at the right anchor.

You may not like the outcome but given the fact that you are both discussing your lives, future happiness and lifetime security, it is important you give yourselves time to unburden your fears and pains.

Why is she lying to you? Why is she interested in other relationships? Do you fit into her matured dream of a husband? Do you have what it takes to make her absolutely happy in marriage?

Also hear her out. What precisely is bothering her about your behaviour? Insist she tells you. She may not want to initially but it is best you also know what she isn’t happy about. This way, resolution of all outstanding matters that has gathered between you two over the years become possible.

But you in particular must be willing to forgive her. She also must be ready to let go of all other sundry relationships in her life. There is no way she can continue with these other men if you both agree to move forward.

She must learn to win your trust and respect through the values she markets, emphasis this while discussing with her. She must realise that love, friendship and marriage happen out of trust and selflessness.

Yes, you may not have all the qualities she wants in a man but she has to be satisfied with the ones you have because these are what make you unique. If at this age, she doesn’t know what makes her happy, then she has a long way to go.

Your discussion must focus on what your expectations of each other are as well as for your future. It must strive to imbibe unconditional friendship to survive till the end comes. You both can only achieve this by laying all your cards face up on the table.

The outcome of the meeting would determine whether you have a future together or not.

Also by trusting God with your relationship and life, would help in no small way to make light every challenge before you two.

Good luck.