Dear Agatha,
I am sending this mail to you in tears. I have a fiancé, who lives abroad. Before he travelled in 2001 he made a promise that if I could keep myself for him, he will marry me.
I kept my promise. Initially, things were going on well. He would call and send money but things changed in 2004 when he sent money through his brother to me. These days he calls either once or twice a month but still insists I keep myself for him.
He came back home last year but to my greatest surprise, he didn’t treat me like the main woman in his life. He also didn’t make mention of his plans to marry me. Puzzled by his attitude I had no choice but to broach the subject. His answer shocked me, even to the marrow. He told me in clear terms that he has lost interest in marrying me but was willing to assist me to go to Europe.
This is because for seven years I shunned every other man who came my way. I didn’t want to go back on the promise I made to him to keep myself until he comes for my hands in marriage.
I agreed to follow him to Europe so we started processing my papers. I spent so much money trying to get the papers. And just as we are about completing the process, he made another dramatic U-turn. He says he doesn’t have the money to assist me to continue and that I should hold on since Europe was rough now. Agatha, I can’t help asking God why me? Right now I have spent all my money on this project. Please help and advise me on what to do next.
Omokhodion.
Dear Omokhodion,
It is unfortunate but in a way you are to blame for the mess you have found yourself. The moment he stopped calling you as often as he used to, reducing it to either once or twice a month, you should have known things have changed between the two of you. At that point, you didn’t need a soothsayer to spell it out to you that this man has since found pleasure in the arms of another woman.
Frankly, you allowed him to waste your time and it all had to do with the fact that you wanted to travel abroad at all cost.
I am sure if the same man in Nigeria had given you the same conditions to wait for him as well as the same treatment you would since have left the relationship for something more promising.
Even though some disappointments are real and unexpected, however most of the time, the disappointments we suffer come from our determined refusal to accept obvious signs. The signs of your eventual disappointment were there for you to see all these while but you simply decided to ignore them for the ultimate purpose of travelling abroad.
This is underscored by your willingness to accept his offer to assist you abroad despite his declaration that he has lost interest in you.
For instance, you would have noticed from the reception of his family towards you or the frequency they visited you. That their son is abroad should not have stopped them from commencing any marriage rites with your family, if indeed he was serious with the promises you made to each other when he was leaving.
At the point he changed, if he had done the proper thing of telling his family all about you, they would have been able to influence or intervened on your behalf.
Also men who are serious about the women in their lives, before travelling out expose and make known their relationships to their families.
In fairness to him, he may have really liked you enough to want to marry you before leaving but changed his mind when he got there.
From the point he made public his decision to assist you, you should have declined the offer and terminated every relationship with him.
A man who has no qualms leaving you for seven years or felt any remorse at the havoc he has caused in your life should have been kept at arm’s length. Accepting his terms showed you were too desperate to do anything to go abroad which may have also raised the question in his mind of the authenticity of your love for him. You filtered the little respect you had by agreeing to his conditions without a protest.
By agreeing to such demeaning terms, you re-enforced whatever reasons or stories he may have heard that made him change his mind about you. Your willingness made you appear desperate and ready to do anything to travel. When a man is looking for a wife, a lot of issues come to play and many of them don’t want is a desperate woman. This is because men think woman who is desperate is capable of doing anything to achieve her goal.
The past is past. There is no way you can retrieve both money and time you have wasted on this failed relationship.
Gather whatever pride you have left and move on with your life. Let him know that without him, you can stand and walk tall. That deep down you have what it takes to make any man proud. Weeping over what has happened would only make him feel like a demigod who has the key to your life in his palms.
Make him regret his loss and decision to leave you by pretending even when you are hurting badly inside of you that he doesn’t matter anymore in your life. Life is a big gamble. We win some and lose some.
The man that would appreciate you would one day come your way and with this experience behind you, you are now more knowledgeable about what to look out for. However, care must also be taken by you not to transfer the bitterness of your previous relationship to the new one else you end up more frustrated and bitter with life itself.
God never wanted both of you to be together because if He did, irrespective of whatever may have happened, this man would still have come for you. This is what you should always remember at all time to gather the right strength and attitude to move on with life.
Had you bothered to look at this man you wasted seven years of your life on, you would have noticed fundamental flaws in his character, things you know would make your living together impossible.
But all that is gone so move on and allow the will of God for you to shine through this nightmare by going to Him in prayers and complete submission to His supremacy in all things.
Good luck.
Posts
