Dear Agatha,
My marriage is blessed with two children, 15 and 13 years of age. I thought I had the perfect marriage until I found out the truth concerning my wife and her boss. For close to five years, she has been having an affair with her boss, something almost all our friends knew about but didn’t know how to tell me. Even my younger sister knew about it but decided to keep sealed lips about it to avoid being implicated as the reason my marriage crashed.
Actually, nobody told me anything about my wife’s infidelity. I found out by accident. One day, two months ago, I had this sudden impulse to see her. That morning we had a bitter quarrel which had become frequent following her refusals to pay attention to the home and children. She was also avoiding making love to me as frequently as she used to when we first got married.
I can’t say when it started precisely but over the years, our lovemaking got increasingly far apart. In some months I would be lucky if she allowed me near her twice. Even those times were real struggles.
It got to a point, I had to source for my satisfaction elsewhere but she still remained my wife, the one woman I wanted to be with all the time.
Never one to report my family to anybody, I bottled everything inside of me. I wasn’t ready to fight her for sex. I felt it was too demeaning for me. I kept asking her what the problem was and she kept telling me nothing. She said her workload was the reason she wasn’t having too much time for the family. I offered to pay her salary so she could have more time for the children and me, but she labelled me selfish and arrogant. She even accused me of trying to kill her dreams.
That morning, for the first time I beat her up for mocking me as a sex starved man who can’t think straight, all because I tried enforcing my rights as her husband after six weeks of not having sex with my wife.
At this point, I didn’t know where all the problems were coming from. It was not until that day when I walked in on her and her boss kissing passionately in the man’s car at the car park. She was too engrossed that evening to observe my car. I simply couldn’t control myself as I gave her the beating of her life at her office car park.
I was beyond caring and was ready to face charges her office might bring against me. Surprisingly, no member of the security came to her rescue, not even her lover, who zoomed off.
She didn’t come home that night. I didn’t care but she came the next day in company of her mother. She must have gone to
She went on her knees with tears rolling down her eyes to beg for me to listen to her. Since I didn’t want to be rude to her I stormed out of the house without saying a word.
My greatest challenge now is the role of her family as well as my mother, who for some inexplicable reasons seems to love my wife unconditionally. They are all begging me to forgive her. She told the family at a meeting the entire truth about her infidelity. To her credit she didn’t hide anything from them, including how she has been treating the children and I.
She claims not to know how it all happened but that whatever powers the man had over her died the day she was caught. I hear that she isn’t the man’s first victim; that in all the places he has worked, he has a record of dating and destroying the homes of highly influential women he worked with.
Our mothers, especially mine, who is very spiritual insists she was under a spell hence her appeals to me to take her back. She has since resigned and is now willing to be a full time housewife but I don’t know what to do. Deep down I love her dearly but how can I forgive five years of torture and infidelity?
Agatha, help me because I am very hurt and the pain is still very fresh. For now, I simply want to be left alone, to lick my wounds and deal with the pains, not take her back and forget what she did to me. They all seem to think it is an excuse not to take her back. I want her back but I also want time to be on my own but nobody understands. How do I make them?
Daniel.
Dear Daniel,
Your reactions are very normal and a natural path to achieving complete cure. There is no way you can immediately forget this incident without the assistance of time.
They may all misunderstand you because you are harping on the wrong reason for your wanting some time to be alone. You have to summon the patience you don’t have to push your point, focusing on the dangers ahead if you don’t first get rid of all the residues that arose from her relationship with this other man.
Irrespective of whether he used charms or not, some fact simply cannot be wished away. One of those facts is that while you struggled to enforce your rights at home, she gave willingly to another man. I guess this is one of the issues aching you, one you seem to be having problems forgetting. It is so because it has to do with your pride as a man.
I understand all the insecurities that come with such feelings, especially the one that has to do with insecurity, fear of her still not finding you good enough, of constantly comparing you with this other man.
Sit your family members down and explain that unless you take time off to sort out your fears, come to terms with all that has happened you may not be able to give her the type of attention and support to sail the ship of your relationship back on course.
Let them appreciate that being the injured party, there is no way your feelings can get back to normal without first allowing the efficacy of time heal you of all the different in-between emotions you have had to deal with during the last two months.
Make them understand that the time you need is essential and is not for you to get back at her but to ensure you both don’t go through the stress of your current situation. Tell them it is the only antidote to your being able to completely forgive her.
Since your mind is made up to have her back, allow her to move into the house because frankly that is the only means you can get your families to listen to you after which you can travel outside the country on your own.
Actually, this is something you can both negotiate outside other family members. She more than the others would understand your need to be alone at this important time provided she has your assurances not to abandon her. Whatever her misgivings may be, she has no choice but to give you all the support to become the person she unwittingly lost.
Beyond this is your need of the help of God. You need God now more than ever before to help you heal properly because a lot depends on you being able to forget this ugly incident once and for all.
Good luck.
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