He insists I get pregnant first

Dear Agatha, Someone is asking my hand in marriage but on one condition, I get pregnant. He says it is the only way he can go ahead with all the arrangements for our wedding. I am scared because I don’t know what he has in mind but I love him and he has been my friend for a long time. Joy. Dear Joy, Under normal circumstances, no man should give his woman this kind of condition he is giving you before walking her down the aisle. But many women have mortgaged their future through the different kinds of risks they take with their bodies which is making a lot of men wary of marrying women who aren’t pregnant first. This is because of the high rates of infertility the world over is contending with in our modern world. Most men are making it a condition to avoid unnecessary delays and medical expenses as a result of secondary infertility in the women, some who have damaged their wombs through reckless lifestyles. The reality on the ground is, even if I tell you not to accept this condition, in addition to you not likely to do as I say, I don’t have a husband to give you so, you really have to make up your mind on what you want from this man and life. Furthermore, countless number of girls would jump at the idea of getting pregnant for this man if only he would look their way. When an issue gets this complex, the practical thing to do is to holistically examine the relationship so as to be sure you are with the right man and that you both have the maturity and understanding to paddle this canoe to safety. Beyond the issue of pregnancy, is the all important one of both of you having the right qualities and attributes to stay together forever. That a couple is blessed with children doesn’t exempt them from having serious marital issues. This is what your man must understand first and foremost. He must be able to love you for yourself and not because you are fertile to procreate. Use whatever means you have to communicate this message to him. The essence of having children is to provide them with a home wherein they would be happy and fulfilled. Why have children when the promises of having both parents stay together forever cannot be guaranteed them? For you to be very clear about your next course of action; answer these questions sincerely. How do you feel at the proposal? What is it telling you about your importance to this man? What happens if you are unable to give him a baby; would he leave you on account of it? Perhaps a little explanation on my part will help give you a more detailed insight into this issue. The pride of everywoman is to be loved for who she is by her man and not because she is fertile enough to make babies. An ideal marriage begins with two people before expanding to accommodate others. This is because marriage is a risk and like a well wrapped gift must unfold gradually to reveal its content. Children are part of the content of every marriage. Asking you to get pregnant is placing the cart before the horse. Do you feel right about it? Are you comfortable with the knowledge that this man isn’t ready to take unnecessary risks with you? That he wants to be sure of your viability as a woman before he marries you? What this proposal means is that if you aren’t able to get pregnant within a stipulated time, you forfeit the offer to another woman who is lucky to be pregnant. Given the fact that he has promised to marry you, don’t fret if that is what he wants. But be sure, you have reasonable security from his family to avoid last minute disappointment. It is also extremely important that you understand the ground rules. For instance, what is the time limit you have to get pregnant else another woman takes your place? This is where the all important issue of trust comes to play. How much do you trust this man? Will his love for you always be conditional? Deep down if there was someone else; would you even consider doing this? Don’t be shy in admitting the truth to yourself because it will help you adjust and prepare your shocks for any eventuality whether now or in future. Also, don’t neglect the issue of compatibility between the two of you. Both of you have the right chemistry to flow together as an item. This, the presence of a child or children cannot give you. Because infertility is a two way thing, you must discuss with him on the need for him too to subject himself to medical examinations to erase the presence of any problem from his end. This is because infertility in marriages is increasingly being traced to men. No matter how fertile a woman is, if the man in question has low sperm count, she won’t be able to conceive so don’t allow yourself to carry the canister alone. As a couple, you must be able to laugh at each other and with each other. If you are not the desperate kind and realistic about the dynamism of life especially as it has to do with our contemporary society, you won’t have problems doing what is right for you. Good luck.