Tuesday, August 14, 2012

He beeps any time I pray for partner

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you so much for solving people’s problems and reuniting them again. I am a lady of 31 years of age, single and a graduate. I met this guy in my school. He helped me with certain things, because I was a novice back then. While we were in school, we acted with a deep sense of responsibility. He couldn’t afford to call me because his condition then was pitiable. He couldn’t afford three square meals. Few months after graduating, he secured employment. Despite the change in his fortune, he still wasn’t calling me. Rather, he preferred calling me at night when calls were toll free. After registering my displeasure at this attitude, he minimised calling me at night. The funniest thing is that he claims to be in love with me but I know he is only after the pleasures of my body. As a result of the challenges I was facing finding a life partner, I decided to embark on prayer and fasting. But I noticed that each time I did this, this man would begin beeping me as if he is right by my side. He is always telling me he loves me, that I should come back to him, but he hasn’t said anything about marriage. My challenge is that men treat me as if I am invisible and I am not the kind of woman who flirts. I wonder why such things are happening in my life. Please Agatha, what should I do? Am I right to leave him? Amuche. Dear Amuche, Good education doesn’t translate to a successful relationship. Many things combine to make a particular relationship work or fail. There is no way you will move beyond your present level if you don’t first sit down to do a proper critique of your life and plan for the future. For instance, what kinds of men appeal to you? Why are you so angry with this man? Is it because he appears stingy or that he doesn’t call you? Be specific. Unless you are sincere with yourself at this crucial stage of your life, no amount of prayers and fasting can help you. What kind of man are you asking God to give you? What kinds of sacrifices are you also willing to make? The irony of it all is that you may have met your Mr. Right but because you are blind to what you want, you may not have looked his way. There is also the possibility of you pricing yourself out of the market of eligible women. This is so if he isn’t the only one ignoring you. Sometimes the attitude women put up scare men away from them. When a woman’s disposition and mien are not only arrogant but enough to intimidate a man, most men would naturally ignore her. Most men in search of wife materials avoid strong willed women or the kinds that appear to be too much in charge of their lives. There is no war the act of humility doesn’t win. If you are really searching for the proverbial Mr. Right, you really have to let go of some of the things you carry around. To know what to work on in your person, ask friends, both men and women, those close to you, to give you an apt assessment of your person. Ask your siblings what they think of you. Go the extra mile; enquire from colleagues, neighbours, and even new acquaintances. By the time you take a sample of these different opinions, you will be close to having a fair impression of how others rate you. The raison d’ĂȘtre is not to fight them but to help you arrive at an objective answer that would help you work on your deficiencies as a woman and person. We all need this character evaluation from time to time to help us become better persons. So you won’t be acting out of tune if you do it. Don’t forget that we are all students of the school of life. Without this occasional evaluation in our lives, we won’t be able to improve on our attitude and character. Also, there is the possibility of your problem being spiritual. When men appear to be oblivious of a woman’s presence, then something is very wrong somewhere. This is the time to look into your family history especially the women before you. What is the average age, women in your family marry? How easy is it for them to get married and when they do, what kinds of marriages do they have? There is no way you can flirt when the men are not even interested in looking your way. Flirting is a function of men looking at you and wanting to have one kind of relationship or the other with you. In a situation where men ignore you completely, flirting will definitely be the last thing on your mind. The mere fact that men are not even looking your way is a very serious challenge which looking deeper into your family history will give a clearer perspective into the kinds of challenges you have inherited from them. This kind of understanding will in turn point you at what to ask God for. Many a time, we play dumb to the things happening in our families when in fact more than 90 per cent of the problems we battle in life come from our family trees. Even if this man is perfect, the kinds of challenges confronting you in your family will make it impossible for you to look past the defect you have noticed in him. Even when others are seeing his positive side, you will only insist on looking at the negative side. This is the power of foundational problem. Unless, God decrees otherwise, such battles are always difficult to win because they embody everything that makes you who you are. They are the sources that know everything about your parentage and even those things you don’t know about yourself. Unless that source is sealed up by the powers of prayers, there is no telling the extent of damage it will bring to one’s life. Once you know where the problem is coming from, it would be so easy to pray them out of your life. All these three angles are important for your complete happiness. One cannot be done without the other. Even if you regain your spiritual independence, without you taking the step of changing your attitude, the men that come will still leave you. Therefore, be real enough with yourself because this is the critical point of your life. Don’t leave this too late because at 31, your choices are depreciating every day. Good luck.

I’m confused about my girlfriend’s changed mood

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have a problem that is making me restless. It has to do with my five-year-old relationship. I deflowered my girlfriend who is now in her final year at nursing school. I met her, a very humble, respectful and loyal girl. But earlier this year, a guy visited her who she introduced as a cousin’s brother. When I offered to take the guy out that day, he said he was tired and they slept together in her room that night. So not quite long, I met the same guy on Facebook only to discover he is the same secondary school friend she had been telling me about. I confronted her with my discovery when she came back home after two months from her posting; she couldn’t deny it. All she said was that if she had told me the identity of the boy, I would have fought him. I was not only hurt but disappointed since I had planned to marry her. Her action made me to start dating another girl. When she found out about the other girl, I didn’t bother to lie. I told her the truth. From that moment she became a kind of wolf, there is no name she didn’t call me, but I ignored her. Recently, I got her an engagement ring as proof of my love for her and to announce my decision to quit the other relationship. To my surprise, she turned down my request on the ground that God hadn’t told her if I was the one for her. I was planning the introduction ceremony for December, this year. When I told her mother what she said, she said God would guide and protect me if it is His will for me to marry her daughter. But my girlfriend doesn’t pick my calls, let alone call me. I am tired and confused over this problem I am having with her. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Don’t be. Most times what we think is best for us, turns out not to be. When it comes to the issues of the heart and marriage in particular, it pays to listen to the voice of God. This is because marriage takes more than love and sentimental feelings to sustain. It takes a lot of courage and a very deep kind of friendship to maintain. A lot of things have to be right from the foundation level for relative peace to reign. One of the necessary ingredients is trust. Unless you get the composition right from the onset, no matter how much in love you both are, it won’t work in the end. Even though her motive for asking you to wait may be suspect, but since she has mentioned the name of God, don’t panic. Nothing entrusted to the hands of God ever brings unhappiness. You may think she is doing the things women who have lost interest in their men do, looking for an easy was to ease you out of her life but ultimately you will come to see that it was God at work in your life. Whether she comes back or you find another woman, this moment is to help you focus on the important things about relationship in general and your person in particular. What do you understand by being in a relationship? Is it for you an opportunity to have free sex or a special chance for you to help another person grow and be happy? Beyond being her first lover, how will she remember you? What special thing is she going to miss by not having you in her life? Just like in every thing we do, relationships are meant to establish something extraordinary in the lives of those we care so much about. So, our absence would be so much profound when we are no longer in their lives. Between a man and woman, the contact goes beyond sleeping together to living in each other’s bodies. This way, it is easy to establish that compassion, link, ease, understanding and tolerance needed to make a relationship work. Unless there is a spiritual link between a woman and man, a relationship hardly ever survives the politics of everyday living. This is what you should use this time out to cultivate. Go beyond what a woman looks like to the inherent qualities in her. This way, you would know when you are being taken for a fool or when she is telling the truth. It will help you control your temper because when a man gets to the level of being able to vouch for the character of his woman, nothing she does would ever make him suspicious of her. This is what absolute trust in each other does for a relationship. Stop calling her if she isn’t inclined to picking your calls anymore. Granted, you are hurting and desire a chance to be together again with her but, this can only happen if she is willing and since she has expressed a wish not to, allow her be. This way, you will also be giving yourself time to heal before someone else comes along. Good luck.

I denied my wife sex for three years

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I stopped sleeping with my wife of six years. The reason then was simple. Although I was having an affair but the major one being that she was dirty and rude. There was nobody she didn’t report me to, including writing to you under the name of worried wife. I went through all you told her and was happy at the results I noticed in her. She became trendier, neater as well as more respectful to me. Unfortunately at the time she made up her mind to change, I wasn’t interested in her anymore but I didn’t want to divorce her because of the children. I needed her at home to care for the children. Having grown up in a polygamous home, I didn’t want my children going through what I went through. I however made up my mind to resume sexual activity with her early last month but I noticed she wasn’t too eager. I expected that she would be after years of begging me to share her bed. She actually stopped begging me to have sex with her in January this year. At first I didn’t bother but when it persisted, I told a friend of mine who was so certain that she was having an affair. I asked her if she was sleeping with another man behind me, she denied it but asked if I had the right to ask her such a question anymore. I ignored her but made up my mind to investigate. There was nothing to suggest she was. Besides, I thought she wouldn’t have the guts to cheat on me because I married her as a village girl and a virgin. She lacked the sophistication of the city woman which was part of the problem we were having. But about two weeks ago, by accident, I had gone to see my boss along Adeniyi Jones in Ikeja when I decided to stop over to eat at a local restaurant around that area. The setting was very formal and neat. I was still waiting for my order to be served when my wife walked in with this man who looked very much like a very top manager in a company. They drove into the place with this latest Toyota Camry. She didn’t notice me at first but I made sure she did when I walked up to her to demand what she was doing with another man in a public place. She didn’t bother to answer me; instead they got up and left me standing. By the time I got home, she was already home, packed and ready to leave. She didn’t bother to deny that she and the man I met her with were dating. She told me the man was ready to marry her and that as soon as her people refunded the bride price I paid on her, she would marry the man. I didn’t even know she was in school, University of Lagos and in her third year. She also has a flourishing shop, a fashion outfit near her school. She said, it was only in January this year, she agreed to date the man I met her with even though he had been disturbing her since he rescued her from a suicide attempt three years ago. According to her, he helped her gain admission into the University of Lagos to get her mind off her matrimonial challenges and got her the shop to give her financial independence. She said, since she has made up her mind to be intimate with this other man, she no longer has any space in her heart for me. I found out all these from her in the process of explaining to my friends how far apart we had grown. Agatha, I have realised I don’t want her to go and I’m ready to do anything to ensure we live as man and wife again. I have since discharged the woman in my life and has been pleading with her to have a change of mind but she insists she is fed up. My parents, especially my father blames me for whatever decision she has made concerning our marriage. I know I wronged her but I have suddenly realised that she means so much to me. How do I get her back? Worried Husband. Dear Worried Husband, What were you thinking of leaving a woman in your house for three years without having sex with her? You drove her into the arms of this other man who realised her outstanding qualities and took the necessary steps to harness them. Only very few women would have been able to withstand such cruelty. Denying a matured married woman of sex is worse than beating her. To have gone without sex for three years have hardened her beyond measure. Without being told, she knew there must have been another woman in your life taking care of your heat. This itself would make her bitter and extremely angry and the injustice of your action each time she remembers. Thank goodness you realised your mistake and isn’t bothered about the matter of her infidelity. But you became conscious of your mistakes too late. Having made up her mind to leave you, it might not be too easy for her to change her mind about leaving you. Sincerely as this stage, it will take the special grace of God to make her continue in this marriage. Women are the most difficult to bend when a decision as grave as this one has been made. On what platform would she want to stay? If for six years, all you did was complain, put her down because she came to you as a local girl, branded her dirty, lacking in respect as well as denying her sex for three years out of these six years, why would she want to come back to such a marriage? If you are unaware that the woman you call your wife is enrolled in school and already in her third year in the university, then it isn’t just a matter of asking her to stay. You have to do more than you are currently doing to resolve the many crises in your marriage. From her account, this man hasn’t only invested money into her life, he has been very patient, understanding, supportive and dedicated to her. These are things she didn’t find with you; wanted from you but weren’t prepared to give her. She has seen a side of life, she never dreamt possible. You may have met her a virgin but her experience in the last six years of being married to you have left her a different kind of person. This man has helped her to come to full realisation of who she really is as well as what she can be. You had the chance to do this but you failed. Now, not only is she more experienced but also wiser in the ways of men and women. In addition, education has exposed her to a kind of independence and power she never imagined when she came fresh eyed from the village. It isn’t going to be easy getting her to come back on your terms or in the kind of atmosphere you once conducted your marriage. This time, you have to engage her in serious dialogue in which both of you will have to first talk and decide on the premise on which the marriage will operate. Swallow your pride and give her reasons why she should stay with you despite all that have happened. Remember you are as guilty, if not more than she is. The rule that she shouldn’t have done what she did doesn’t apply to her at all because your actions precipitated it. In her shoes, you would have done the same. This is one issue, you may not be able to handle on your own; involve people she respects in her own family as well as yours. Your families have to be involved in this kind of settlement if you hope to get her to even listen to you. This is because you left it for too long. If she is bold enough to tell you that she is ready to marry the other man as soon as her bride price is returned; it is going to be very difficult to make her change her mind hence the need to involve everyone in a position to talk to her, if possible the spiritual head of your church. Marriage is full of turns and bends, never a long straight line. The moment she made the attempt to change from her ways to please you, the wise thing would have been for you to meet her half way. You must learn to always meet her half way, plenty of sacrifices, selflessness and compromises. Every woman needs a friend in her man. She may have come from the village but she is not without feelings or intelligence. Always learn to respect who she is; it is the only way to get her to respect you. Sincerely, it would take the grace of God to make a woman that has gone this far to change her mind. Give her the opportunity to see the loving, caring and attentive side of you. Also learn to pray if you want your efforts to be noticed because you are at fault. Good luck.

Against all odds she still wants me but her family

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am planning to get married but any lady I met always give me one reason or the other on why a marriage between us would not work. But there is one girl in particular that I met two years ago. I proposed to her this year, but she declined from giving me an immediate answer. Instead she pleaded for two weeks to enable her pray over my proposal to her. After the two weeks, I called to know what her answer would be; to my surprise as well as disappointment, she said a marriage between us wouldn’t work. When I asked why, she told me that she was told, that she would face severe problems from my sisters. She said, though they said, she won’t have problems from me and that I am the kind of man she would have loved to marry, but she won’t be able to cope with the kinds of issues they said she would contend with from my sisters. She also didn’t deny being in love with me. Two days after this conversation, she called to say it was difficult to let go of me. She announced her willingness to marry me, but the problem is that her family is aware of the things they told her about my sisters. According to her, she won’t marry me if her people insist on us going our different ways. Agatha, I love this lady deeply. Please tell me what to do; I don’t want to ever lose her. U.C. Dear U.C., She has been told she won’t have any challenges with you as her husband, but that she will have profound issues with your sisters. If all women before her turned down your request to marry them, then something is really wrong somewhere. The only difference is that she has the guts to tell you what others didn’t. You see some problems are physical while others are spiritual. What kind of sisters do you have? Why do you think your sisters are up to and why would they be the major problems to your wife? This isn’t time for you to go sentimental if you want to resolve the issue of you getting married. You must be able to identify what you think will be the challenges to your wife from your sisters with a view of solving them even before they become monstrous. Are you their only brother? If yes, you have to develop the power to stand as a man even before a woman enters into your home. This is essential so she doesn’t get the blame of turning their only brothers against them. You have to begin to think for yourself, make hard and difficult decisions on your own. While you struggle with gaining your independence from your sisters’ apron, keep your girlfriend out of sight else she will still get all the blame for the change in your character and person. And once they develop an opinion about her, the attendant hatred and jealousy her perceived effrontery at taking you away from them will only get worse by the day. This could even lead them to getting fetish in their bid to get her out of your life. If a lady who claims to love you is very afraid to marry you on account of this prophecy, then you do really have to worry about it. Without you addressing the issues of your sisters first you may not have the presence of mind to enjoy your marriage at all. To achieve positive result, table everything before God. Ask Him for help in your quest to get married as well as expose the kinds of challenges your wife is likely to encounter from your sisters. If you can’t do it on your own, get the help of your pastor. Explain your fears to him. There is nothing that cannot be undone through the powers of prayers. Men’s female relatives are usually the problems women have in their marriages. More often than not, these problems are embedded in jealousy women typically exhibit for each other. Every woman wants to be in charge of a man’s heart irrespective of who that male is to her. This is why mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law are the ones notorious for making their sons or brothers home a living hell for their wives. Unfortunately, the men at the centre of it all suffer untold emotional hardship because of this. Even if there wasn’t this kind of prophecy, every man must take measures to protect the woman in his life. Make the decision from this early that you will give the right to your woman, protecting her from the external influences of the female members of your family. In addition, you must make up your mind to be fair to all, refusing to play the puppet in the hands of any of the women in your life. A man, who is fair, gives him home a fair chance to survive the odds of third party interference. A clarification from God will help you know what to say or do to make your sisters respect your feelings for another woman. All she is asking, is assurance from you is that you will always be there to protect her against your sisters. Once this assurance is given, she will be able to explain to her family members, knowing that she will not have need to come back to them. Her fears are well founded. If she defies her family to marry you against this warning, who will help her stand again? Every woman runs to her family when she runs into problem in her marriage. But a situation she ignores the family’s warning and she later has problems in the marriage, a combination of fear and shame will not allow her go back to her family. Some women have died while concealing their marital problems out of shame from family and friends. Besides, what family would encourage their daughter to go into a marriage that will not give her the required rest of mind? In their shoes, would you encourage your daughter to go into such marriage? More often than not, love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. It requires much more than that. If a woman isn’t happy, is suffering intimidation and attacks from her in-laws, there is no way you as the man, can ever be happy. This is why you must do everything you can to nip these challenges in the bud. Furthermore, if you are able to discuss with her family, first to admit whatever you find out to be the challenges and secondly to also confide the measures you have put in place to protect your wife from your sisters, they may change their minds. As parents who want the best for their child, they would be happy to know that you are not dismissing what their daughter said about your sisters. Not many men would be that considerate. It is a simple matter of you knowing what you want the most in life and how best to go about it. Good luck.