He is being cruel to me

Dear Agatha, The guy I have been dating for six years traveled out of the country early this year. He promised to be back around June. But I noticed certain changes in him recently. When I pointed these changes out to him, rather than explain things to me, he accused me of complaining too much and that he cannot imagine marrying me. There was no name he didn’t call me. Unlike before when I could discuss anything with him, these days if I make attempts to talk to him about my troubles, he shuns me. He has even told me that I cannot force him to marry that if I can’t wait for him. I should find myself another man as he has no intention of coming back till next year. The most painful thing is that I don’t have another boyfriend because he made me what I am today. It is so painful he isn’t thinking about the good times we had. All he wants now is to terminate the relationship. Whenever he pings me, he takes to using abusive words on me. His mother said I should ignore him but I know something is wrong somewhere. I can’t tell my family because my stepmother has been complaining about him; it will afford them the opportunity to start saying different things. Please advice me on what to do because I have already told him if he desires a break up, he should be matured about it. I am planning to move on but I just can’t release my heart to another man. Betty. Dear Betty, Don’t be in a haste to go into another relationship. You need time to heal and take stock of the mistakes you made in your current relationship. Besides, he hasn’t told you expressly that you should go. There is no damage patience cannot repair. Despite making up your mind to move on, send him a detailed mail, chronicling how you both began, the promises you made to each other and how much you believed in those promises. Ask him where you went wrong and why it is so difficult for him to forgive you. Resist the urge to be bitter or condemning in your mail. Let him know you will never forget all the times he stood by you, holding up your hands when you thought it was over for you. Appreciate all those times he was there for you. Let him know you still love him and apologise for any offence you may have unknowingly committed. Give him time to digest and respond to your mail. If after a month, he still not forthcoming with a positive reply, send him another mail, asking him about the viability of the relationship especially what his current feelings for you really are. Nudge him into committing his feelings and conclusions into writing. This is all you need to move on. The reason you must patiently tackle this matter is not to offend his mother and other family members who like you. For posterity sake, show a close confidant of his copies of your mail to him as well as his responses. When you are sure of where he stands with you, respectfully go to his mother to explain everything to her as well as your decision to move on with your life. Absolve your self of any blame now or later in life. Another reason you should apply patience has to do with you not knowing what is happening to him in his host country. Sometimes, things don’t go the way we plan. You are not there with him neither do you know the challenges he is facing down there. There are certain challenges that can make people hostile to those they love. He could also be having the issue many immigrants experience in their host country. Because you are not there, nothing he says would make sense to you. There is a huge difference between reality and our perception of what life is over there. Out there, he cannot function with the freedom he does here. It is like living in a jungle where only the fittest survives. Because everybody that leaves this country for overseas is in search of a better life; time is of essence and so is funds management. Unlike here where he can always hustle for something, have friends to keep him company; it isn’t like that out there. Most people out there party with a lot of wisdom. They know what they put into making the money hence are not willingly to spend it at a sitting. He needs plenty of time to adjust to the situation on ground. Granted he may have promised to come back this year but that could have changed based on what he met on ground. Also don’t ignore the fact that we aren’t all alike; our reactions are very different. While some people can function very well under stress, others simply snap. Unfortunately, those close to us are the ones that suffer from our inability to manage our feelings. You could just be a victim of this. Lashing out at you is the only way he can get you to quit the relationship and free him from the burden of coming back home to a commitment. If things are not working the way they ought to, he doesn’t want you around telling him I told you so. He also certainly cannot cope with the added pressure of your demands with what he is going through. He thinks getting rid of you will give him the freedom to do as he wants. Rather than allow him to push you into a premature decision, for now, stop all contacts with him. Reply only if he writes or pings you. Don’t initiate anything but keep in touch with his family members. This is to give him the space he requires to clear things up in his mind. Besides, it is better for you if the decision to continue with the relationship comes from his mind. It is the only way you can be happy with him. Don’t also worry about the implications of you not calling him. It is best you know where you stand with him now than later. If he doesn’t come back to you, move on; there is a man out there specially made for you who would give you all the happiness and respect that appear to be missing from your current relationship. Again, the reason you must take your time to begin a new relationship is to ensure you are really over him and are not going into a new relationship out of a rebound. The danger of taking old wound into a new relationship is nuisance it constitutes in the relationship. It makes it almost impossible for the new relationship to be better than the previous disappointing one. This is because all the issues that crippled the previous relationship have been imported by the partner that is still bitter into the new relationship. This is why some people keep experiencing one disappointment or the other in relationships. This explains why you cannot release your heart to another man. You must complete the process of really getting over him for good because you can appreciate and date another man. The best thing under this present situation is to ask God for help either to have the patience to wait for you boyfriend or to move on in life. Tell God to make His wishes for you come true in your life. As for you stepmother and family members, you need them now more than before. Hearing their opinion could help you make the right decision. Why not listen to what your stepmother has against him? She may have seen what you were too blind to see. There is really no harm in hearing her out. It will help you make a wholesome decision. Good luck.

I’m fed up

Dear Agatha, I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body. Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of bitter experiences of this life. My child is now 13years of age and has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence but I do not know how to guide him and direct him. Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream? Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, play the roles of both father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step by step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at the stage in his life? I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years, this is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person, the people I see around me are not to be trusted, usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient. I have been starving emotionally, I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with. I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me but I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office. I feel so scared, so insecured. I often feel my heart beat faster and get shocked at every little thing. I really want to have a man of my own, I want to get married but only to the right man, but the way things are going, I don’t know what to expect, but supposing the right man is not forth coming, how do I handle to the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there being the only parent he has but, still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all is becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know. Ese Dear Ese, There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder, given the experiences you have had and currently going through. Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life. Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past. Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of offences against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a woman goes through this experience and abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted, is an indication he is not a stranger to you, he is somebody you know and who can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish. That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. Had you reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of the painful memories of those years. I appreciate, it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts. Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is, you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has. But to get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding and love to get his complete trust and compassion. A child is what parents, especially mothers make him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child. There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to tell him you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more this child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you. This child is becoming insecured by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears; that of losing you and all the insecurities that go with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep. No doubt, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways to let go. Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself. You have a choice to agree to the demands of these men; lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son. Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the mist of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day. Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours which the people involved have managed successfully. If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences which are today helping others to be happy. There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. Most often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you. Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our under-wears. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you because after awhile, the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you. Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in into his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth. Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you. Support him so he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love. Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend. Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier. To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him. We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies because at every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to. Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed. Good luck.