How Do I Overcome Disappointments With Men?

Dear Agatha, 

I am a young lady in her early 30s. I started facing heartbreaks in my early 20s. My first relationship was when I was 21 years. We broke up two years after when his father, after meeting mine, vowed we would only marry over his dead body. 

Since then it has been one kind of disappointment or the other. Please advice me on how to face life because I want to settle down.

EAU

08138352315

Dear EAU,

What kind of men and relationships are you going into? Chances are you are sticking to the same kind of men and making the same mistakes with them. What you know now, you didn’t know at 20, hence the need for you to sit down and take proper stock of your life with a view to making amends where and when necessary. 

Before you can be successful in life, you must first have a clearly spelt out plan of action. You don’t go through life thinking everything will fall into place naturally without first thinking of how to get there.

It is the lack of how to get there in your marital plans that is causing all the disappointments in your life. Once you have this plan, you will know the kind of men to avoid, become more realistic in your priorities and selection of men and concentrate on the enduring qualities of these men as well as change your focus from what it is now to what is more important.

That you kept meeting with disappointments is a clear indication that you are premising your relationships on the wrong values. 

What you need at this point is a clear cut honesty kit, one that will allow you x-ray yourself first with every bit of clear mind and cold reality of what your life is essentially about.

It takes going back to the drawing board to re-plan your life from what and where it is now to what it should be. It is also important you focus more on real values than transient ones.

In getting to the reality line, you must first ask yourself what frivolities you currently nurture in your life. Are you one of those romance book freaks, who think men must be tall, handsome and rich to qualify for your heart? Are these the kind of men you have all along stayed close to? If yes, time has come for reality show. There is more to a relationship than looks and the size of a man’s wallet. These are things that would come naturally if your choice gives you peace and happiness. Money without respect, trust, understanding and care at the end of the day only brings about tears in a relationship.

There is no way a man who really has your love and care in his heart would want to hurt the woman in his life. If there is something men do very well, it is how to avoid seeing tears and pains in the eyes and heart of the women they love and have respect for. While they may not think twice hurting other women, they do all they can to offer protection to the one woman who has the right key. If these men are hurting you, it is because you lack the knowledge of the kind of man who has the right kind of passion for your heart and not only your body.

To get this man, insist on being friends first, not lovers. As friends, you situate yourself to understand his kind of person, appreciate the unique nature of the man as well as his capacity to stand by you through thick and thin. You must also factor in your own positive contributions to the relationship. Its survival must be the business of both of you. In a situation where you expect the man to provide everything, you end up more disappointed than ever.

In settling down, you must look at the man who more than anything else should be your best friend; who has your interest at heart by way of friendship, respect, willingness to go the extra mile; a man who is responsible, trustworthy and supportive.

These are priceless and enduring qualities, ones that will stand the test of time and never tarnish. This is the kind of man you should find even if he comes in what you consider to be an imperfect casing. 

Furthermore, what is your suitability as a wife? One thing is for you to find the right kind of man; another thing is for you to be suitable for the role of a wife in his life. Are you sure you know what it takes to be a wife material? As a wife, you must be ready to submit to your man, mind his interest, take special interest in his food, grooming, home, his mind as well as his life generally. Even when you both are not together, you must at all times be abreast of what is happening to him because that is what will stand you out as a woman who cares about him. If you don’t invest something, you can never get anything in return in life. Relationship is like a garden that must given to every detail for it to come out beautifully well.

In addition, enlist the help of God to succeed.

Good luck

My Father Objects To Staying Close To My Fiancée

Dear Agatha,

I am 29. Since I couldn’t secure any meaningful means of livelihood, I have decided to relocate to Ibadan to start a little business since the cost of living is bearable there. I intend spending the rest of my life in Ibadan. This is also because my fianceé, who I want to marry is not only from there, she also resides there. I thought it best to go there therefore to begin to plan for my tomorrow. However, my father is against my plans. He is protesting my decision because my boyfriend lives in Ibadan. For this simple reason, he says he won’t allow me to go.

What can I do about this?

Omolara

Dear Omolara, 

He is only acting as every responsible parent should. Because of the uncertainty of tomorrow, he doesn’t want you to use the opportunity of living and trading in Ibadan to jettison every good thing he taught you and move in with your boyfriend. Even if you have pre-empted your wedding night, this is without his knowledge. To allow you go with his consent is to give support to whatever you and your boyfriend have been doing behind him. He is simply trying to protect you against yourself.

To your father, you are still in need of his protection and until he hands you over to a man as your husband, you are his responsibility. Unless he is from that town, he would naturally worry about your safety, where you would stay and feed pending the time your business begins to bring in the profit. It is only an irresponsible parent that would not consider these things and allow you do what you want to do. He fears the likely social reprisal of you living alone without any form of authority over your life.

What you can do is to insist your boyfriend and some of his people come to meet him formally, to convince him of the seriousness of his intentions. Not many parents are comfortable with the moral laxity that has become the hallmark of today’s youth. 

In addition to your fiancé’s people meeting him formally, you must also endeavour to show him that you are responsible by looking for a place of your own to stay. That you are old enough to marry doesn’t mean you should lack respect for his sensibilities. 

If you have never lived away from home, you have to convince him that you imbibed all that he and your mother have taught you. In addition, he has to understand why you think Ibadan would profit you than starting a business in Lagos. Do a feasibility study of the kind of business you think would do best in Ibadan as well as how you intend to make the difference. Hearing you discuss your plans with him would make him see how much efforts and thoughts you have put into it. As it stands now, he thinks your decision is being tele-guided by your need to be with your boyfriend than the real reason of having financial independence. 

Once convinced that you indeed know what you are doing, he would give you all the blessings you need to make the positive move. 

Also seek the face of God to know if your step is the right one.

Good luck.