Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being there for people like us. I never believed in agony columns until I came across yours. I admire the seriousness and dedication you devote to issues, it is what marks you out from the rest who reduce the seriousness of a problem to a few paragraphs.
There is this guy I have dated for close to 10 years now. He means the world to me and would have wished to be part of his life forever but he happens to be married and made it very clear from the onset of our relationship that he didn’t want a second wife.
At the time we made this arrangement it was okay by me because I didn’t envisage the amount of care and love I would get from him. Since coming into my life he has become the centre of my world. Always giving and attending to all my needs.
Like every other couple we have had our ups and downs but we are always able to resolve such differences without causing a major quake in the relationship.
I love this man with my whole being, which is why I now want something more from this relationship. When I recently told him of my desire to have a child for him, he declined and has since then avoided getting intimate with me.
I have tried every trick I know to get him to make love to me but he has consistently refused, insisting he doesn’t want the complications in his life. When I asked him what I meant to him, he told me he found true love with me but because of his commitment to his wife, cannot express it beyond the extent he has gone.
I am almost 41. I have given this man the best of my years and what do I get for it? Material things, which wouldn’t give me the comfort a child gives.
Agatha, is it too much to ask that he allows me give him a child? Isn’t that the ultimate evidence of love between a man and woman?
It is evident from all the men I see that I would never be able to love another man the way I love this man. Besides, I don’t have many choices anymore.
When I discussed with a friend of mine about the problem I was having, she initially took me to a white garment church where after being warned against my plans, we went to see a native doctor who promised to give me something to induce him into making love to me.
Since going to see the native doctor, he has stopped coming to my house and has been refusing my calls prompting me to go to his office. When I challenged him about his new attitude, he told me to leave him alone. My friends have suggested I go and visit him at home so that his wife will know he has someone else in his life. I actually feel very bad about his new attitude. Where does he expect me to get another man at his age? Is a baby too much to ask from a man I have been with for 10 years? What has his wife that I cannot offer him? I am really tempted to go and introduce myself to his wife to force him to negotiate with me.
I really want to hear from you before doing something nasty.
Alice.
Dear Alice,
What has his wife that you cannot offer him? Plenty of things! In the first place his wife is legitimate while you are illegitimate. Even if he loves you more than his wife, she is his soul mate while you are simply the other woman in his life. God knew all about you from the beginning yet allowed him freedom to marry the woman He gave to him, the woman with whom He planned the life of this man.
If God wanted you as a permanent feature in this man’s life, He would have made you his wife. Besides, you met him at his point of comfort, while the wife met him at his time of struggle. She believed in him to have given up her freedom to share in his life, to help him build his dream. Had you met him a pauper, a struggling man, one you have to help build, would you have willingly mortgaged 10 years of your life for him?
Had he denied you material comfort, would you have been struggling to have a child for him? Gone to the length you did or claim to be so much in love with him? It is easy for the woman outside to fall in love with comfort whereas the wife is the one who falls in love with the essence of the man.
This man loves his wife because she first discovered the treasures in him even before he himself did. It takes a woman with insight, determination, patience, tolerance and a caring heart to turn stone into pure gold. This is the point this man is begging you to understand and why he doesn’t want to hurt this woman who made him the successful man you think you are in love with.
This woman isn’t just a page or chapter like you, but the entire volume of his whole life book. These are the things she has going for her, which you will never have whether you give him a baby or not.
This woman remains his foundation, his anchor and vision for greater heights. She is a wife material everyday, one that his relationship with you isn’t strong enough to erase from his memory. If she weren’t such a strong and positive factor, he would have given in to your request.
If there was ever a time you loved this man, display it now and stop harassing him. From the beginning he gave you his rule for the game and you accepted without complaining so why are you now hell bent on changing the rule? Granted, he has been unfair to his wife, cheated on her for 10 years, but having come to his senses, he doesn’t want you anymore.
Beyond destroying what you cannot have, what other thing do you hope to achieve by going to his wife? It won’t change his mind about having a baby with you or make you take the place of his wife in his life. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in destroying your image and cause him to regret whatever motivated him into having a relationship with you. Whether your relationship with him was ideal or not, one thing cannot be wished away, the years you spent together. It has made him special to you and you to him. If you are very sensible, this is a contact you should keep and not destroy. You don’t have to be intimate with him for him to continue to offer assistance when you need it.
Besides, you cannot really blame him for the years you claimed to have wasted. Honestly, you don’t have any basis for what you are doing to this man. You made the choice to wait because he never promised you anything or gave you any reason to hope he would divorce his wife to marry you.
At least, he was honest with you from day one to enable you make your choice. You reserved the right to walk away from it all, and at any point. He took care of you because you were available. He must have felt something special for you being around you for this long but not enough to make him go back on the promise he made to himself or wife.
You failed to walk out for reasons best known to you. You wanted it all, a ready-made menu. There is no reaping without sowing. This man belongs to another woman, leave him alone irrespective of the mistake he made, including the abuse of his marital vows.
Simply because you are not his wife should dull your senses of fairness. For 10 years, you took what belonged to this woman, infringed on her rights, time and joy. All the moments you spent with the husband should by right belong to her and the children. The money and material things he gave you should been spent on the children and wife.
No matter how perfect this man may have been, 10 years is a long time for his wife not to have gotten information about you or know her husband has been cheating on her. One or two persons would have told her. That she didn’t come after you couldn’t have been out of fear or cowardice but respect for her marriage and man.
Walk away with whatever pride you have left and learn to pray to God for His forgiveness as well as help in finding a focus for your life. This woman has every right to brand you in whatever garment she deems fit if you make the mistake of going to her house to cause a scene. Beyond the evidence of gossip, what other proof do you have that this man has been dating you? Are you pregnant or do you have a baby tucked in the corner as evidence of your right in his life? She should be the one fighting you not you fighting her.
Stop acting desperately and also take precious time consulting spiritualists or native doctors because you are standing on a wrong ground. If you are wise and focused, irrespective of your age, you will still find the right man but this can only be if you make peace with God and yourself.
Good luck.
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