Saturday, April 10, 2010

Why Are Men Polygamous?

Dear Agatha,

 God who made heaven and earth will continue to bless you in His infinite mercy through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

 Why is it that men are not satisfied with what they have? They would have a beautiful, good and talented wife plus healthy children at home yet take delight in dating and romancing ugly single girls at home. And when their adventure boomerangs, they come begging for forgiveness and want the wife to forget everything about their betrayals.  What do men really want?

 Uzoamaka.

 

 

Dear Uzoamaka,

 First it would do every woman a world of good to understand the adventurous nature of the man. No matter what and who we are, the reality of life is that the average man has the tendency to stray at any time in their lives.

 Right from the early days of creation; men have unashamedly indulged in polygamy, and has become second nature to them. Even though Christianity anchors its faith on the policy of one man, one woman,men have always found excuses to exercise their unlimited taste for the female flesh. So many men along the time have suffered untold hardship as a result of this but nothing has stopped many of them from pursuing women even when they have a good family at home.

 Many of them want adventure, fun and the freedom of knowing that they can get away with it. Often than not, it isn’t about the woman at home, but more of an ego thing, to demonstrate to their friends and peers that they are no woman’s fool as well as being in charge of their lives. Also, they want to assure themselves that they haven’t lost touch with trends as well as the magic of their sexuality.

 Any sensible woman who knows her onion must learn to apply wisdom when it comes to the issue of the other woman in her relationship. If the truth must be told, the world is populated with more women whose men and husbands are cheating on them than those whose men aren’t cheating on. And given the weird sexual taste both men and women are evolving, more relationships would face greater and newer challenges in the years to come hence it behooves women to try to keep their heads above the water when it comes to the issue of their men’s other affairs.

 Whatever a woman is, one thing stands clear, she has to submit to a man. Ironically, most men walk on very fragile self confidence hence would always stray from time to time. A man who is finding his wife increasingly difficult to manage would want to be with a woman who is more manageable and makes him feel like the man he is. So it is not always about the woman being beautiful and good that is important, but how she is able to manage and sustain the interest of her man in her and the home.

 Physical beauty only plays the role of a magnet in attracting the man to the woman, but only inner beauty stops him from straying too far and into dangerous grounds. Therefore a man wants a woman who though has the financial and physical powers but is humble enough to be submissive to him by acknowledging him as the head of the home. A man’s fragile sense of insecurity makes it difficult for him to be in the company of a domineering woman for too long. Once he senses she has the ability to overrun him as the leader of the team, he shrinks into his shell and quickly crawls into the waiting arms of the single women who are ready to fill in the gap and sensible enough to make him feel like a king even if it is for the purpose of edging out the main woman.

 A woman who is serious about keeping her man must learn to balance the delicate roles of being a mother, wife, worker and friend in her home. The man must at all time come home to good meals, well-kept home, attractive, romantic and attentive wife, good mother to his children as well as a friend who understands everything he is going through and who is ready to give him loving and dependable shoulders to lean on.

 When a woman realises that her husband is her first born and dotes on him with all the attention and care she lavishes on her own first son, most men would find it easier to stay at home. Most men don’t want to be told when they are wrong; rather they want to be cocooned in the loving embrace of their women for that moment to allow the memory of what they had done to fade before being reprimanded.

 Hitting the nail, when the iron is still very hot, isn’t what most of them can cope with at all. Even though most men have the knack for straying without any reasons at all, it is only a wise woman that knows when to fight and when to beat a retreat.

 Forgiveness is part of the process of healing, a natural thing when two strange people come together either as friends or partners. With forgiveness comes respect and responsibility for the wronged person. Overtime patience has won the battle for many women whose husbands initially begin the journey confused.

 Good luck.

 

 

How Can I Be A Good Wife?


Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you tremendously for the free services you offer. A lot of people would have made a fortune from doing what you do free of charge.

I am a great fan of yours. I read your column everyday including weekends. I have learnt a lot from reading Marriage Clinic. So many things I never understood before about marriage are now very clear to me.

I am getting married at the end of this month and would want you to help me further understand my role as a wife and friend to my husband. I want you to also teach me the difference between lovemaking and sex. I know you have said there is a huge difference, please tell me because I don’t want to lose my husband to another woman.

Besides, you are the only one I can come to since my mother won’t even discuss such a thing with me. She would promptly label me promiscuous.

Please tell me how to behave around my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who is very protective of her son.  I also want to know the kind of friends to allow in my home and those to keep out. I want to know how I should behave around my husband’s female colleagues and friends.

He is Igbo and I am Yoruba, but have never lived in Yoruba land. Although he assures me that eating my kind of food won’t be a problem, when I read some of the advises you gave to some women who wrote to you on what they are going through in the hands of their husband, I know it would eventually be a problem so how do I learn to cook his local meals? Who do I go to?

What kind of clothes do I wear as a married woman?

Please, help me because you are my best hope.

Bamidele.

 

Dear Bamidele,

Marriage is one the greatest institutions on earth but the most complex. The first principle for its success is to have the compassion and right attitude to make it work against all odds.

From the very beginning make the efforts to patent your marriage to suit you and your husband-to-be. Attempting to live in another person’s marriage is one of the greatest mistakes any woman can make. That your friends seem to be getting away with one kind of behaviour doesn’t make it right and you should not import that into your own marriage because your husband isn’t their husband. Chances are that your husband may not be able to endure that kind of attitude, so be warned. You are not your friends and your husband isn’t theirs.

From this early stage, learn to read and study your husband like a book. Learn where his comma, semi-colon, exclamation, paragraph and full stops are. You must know from the beginning where to underline in bold letter in his character and where to highlight and where to run the normal typeface. This would help you a great deal to know what he won’t tolerate and what he would let go. This way you are able to give your relationship pure character and build up a history of perseverance, friendship, patience, care, friendship, tolerance, respect, responsibility, sacrifices, selflessness, bravery, trust, strength, loyalty and prayers.

Without you knowing who he is, you won’t be able to know how you can fuse your personality into his. You must make up your mind the role you want to give your husband in the house. Some women believe they must occupy the same position as their husbands in the home hence refuse to submit to the authority of the man. They insist on sharing house chores with their husbands. Others think because they are in positions of leadership and authority in their places of work, their husbands too must submit to them at home while the more sensible women allow their husbands function in their God given positions as heads of the home even when they, the women are the ones really providing for the homes.

The last group of women is made up of the wise women. They know that the male ego needs constant massaging and have mastered the act of using respect to win their husbands completely over so much so they can get the husband to perform any task for them without even saying it. With humility, care and respect, a wise woman charms her husband into total submission. It works faster than any charm at keeping the man at home and interested in the marriage. Humility is making him feel like a king anytime he steps into his home, no matter the stress he has been through in the office.

Therefore, the role you give your husband to play in the house would go a long way in determining how long your marriage would last, as well as the quality of peace you will have in your home. Submitting to one’s husband isn’t demeaning as some women think and have unwittingly led others to think. Even when a man has nothing to offer by way of finance, he remains the head of his family hence his wife must at all times give him the much needed respect for him to function in full capacity.

So be clear on what position you want your husband to occupy in your life and marriage.

As your husband and leader, you must, even when it hurts, accord him his respect, especially when there is an audience. By managing your temper, you shut the doors of your marriage against external influences and manipulations. Not everybody who comes to settle a dispute is interested in positive settlement. A lot of times some people come with the agenda to destroy so be careful who you report issues concerning your home to. From the beginning learn to rely more on God than anyone else because the marriage institution is one of His works of six days. He only can intervene positively.

To be your husband’s friend, don’t nag, instead discus with him. Avoid comparing him with others; make unreasonable demands you know he has no way of meeting. Get interested in the things he enjoys, his friends and work. Praise him when he deserves to be praised, compliment his outfit and when he looks exceptionally good, buy him gifts even when it is not his birthday or your anniversary. This way you tell him without saying it that he is the centre of your world and that even when you are not together, thoughts of him are permanently etched on your mind.

This is what makes the difference between sex and lovemaking. When you are both friends, you are able to communicate very well in the bedroom, accept suggestions for improvement without anger or suspicions. As friends, you have the confidence to explore each other’s body without inhibitions or fear of being branded as being too exposed. When all the stops imposed by fear of what your partner would say about your moral values are removed, what you have is quality lovemaking and not sex. Whereas sex is just satisfying the physical, lovemaking is a meeting of the soul, spirit and body. This is why some couples, no matter how much they quarrel, will always find a way of settling their differences.

To get it right, don’t ever be shy to tell him what you want and how you want it. Always remember that he is your only partner and that if you allow him short-charge you in the bedroom, you will be the one to suffer emotional frustration.

A good wife must be able to cook the kind of food her husband likes so, learn how to cook his local meals; the kind his mother cooked for him when he was growing up. His mother remains your best teacher so go to her and beg her to teach you those things that will always make her son happy. Mothers-in-law are not always the monsters they are presented. When approached with respect, patience, friendship and humility, you can win her over.

Let her know you have no intentions of replacing her in the life of her son but to support her to ensure her son remains happy and the centre of her world. Seeing the efforts you are making to learn how to cook his meals, learn his language and his cultures would thaw whatever suspicions and misgivings she may have against the union.

Like his family members, learn to respect his friends. You don’t have to be friends with all of them but train yourself to accommodate them just like he must also accommodate your friends.

Keep his home clean, ensure you don’t delegate issues concerning him to anybody; for instance, his meals, clothes and personal effects are your sole business. This is why you are his wife.

Don’t allow marriage rob you of your sense of fashion not even when the children start coming. You must always remain fashionable if you intend keeping your husband interested in you. Like wise always pay attention to your personal hygiene. It is important as a woman to ensure he doesn’t get tempted by the many daughters of Eve out there.

And when the children come, always have time for him. Remember he came before those children hence should not be edged away when the children come. It is a fatal mistake many women have made to their regrets.

Above all, learn to pray and discuss issues concerning your home with God always.

 

Good luck.