My Pains After Our Family Friend Raped Me

Dear Agatha,

I need your help. I am an adult female who got married six months ago. I was sexually abused as a child at age 12 by a close family friend. I never told anybody not even my parents. Ever since, I have kept it within me.

Due to this, until I met my husband, I never had anybody friend because I felt the only interest of any man in a woman is to have sex with her.

I am now married and each time my husband wants to make love with me, I tense up. I have tried severally to put this feeling of sexual abuse behind me but can't. I just feel the same way about men. What can I do to forget it so I can enjoy lovemaking with my husband?

Your reply will be appreciated so much.

Blessing.

---

Dear Blessing,

It is indeed a pity but the first step is to go back into your past. Go back to the scene of that incident. There is no way you can mend if you don’t have the courage to go back to the scene of the crime.

In your mind’s eyes, the scene has refused to go away. You feel betrayed by the very society who is supposed to help you. You lost confidence in friendship. It wasn’t just your body that was violated that day, your mind, trust as well as belief in every good thing the society stands for were violated along with your innocent mind.

Besides, you also feel dirty and secretly blame yourself for being responsible due to your inability to stop the brute that took away your innocence. These are all normal feelings for any woman who has gone through the horror of violation.

The major advantage of going back to that day is to help you put things in proper perspective. Do you think there was something you could have done to avoid it? Sincerely, no matter how many times you have blamed yourself since then, the man that raped you was a predator whose intent was unknown to you and hidden under the cover of friendship to successfully carry out his desire. Even if you had wanted to prevent it, at 12 you were too young and naïve to.

At that age, the law places you strictly under the protective custody of every adult around you including this man who took advantage of the situation to defile you. There was no way you could have avoided him at this age. Besides, you didn’t have the experience to read the signs of his lust for your innocent body. Your parents and all the other adults that were supposed to protect you weren’t there to help when this happened. So, pointless for you to hold on to guilt you had no power to prevent.

Stop blaming yourself and allow the guilt and sense of dirt you have bottled up inside of you ever since come out in the open by discussing it with your husband. Like I said, there was no way you could have prevented what happened.

Your husband has to know why you aren’t enjoying intimacy with him; he has the right to know to enable him know how to softly berth you into enjoying the act with him.

If you insist on dealing with this issue alone, it will eventually destroy your marriage because very soon your husband will begin to notice your lack of involvement in the act. When it happens it sets the stage for him too to begin to doubt your feelings for him and to ask questions about your loyalty. At this stage, it may be too late for you to try to get him to listen, because all the while he patiently waited for you to tell him why you seem not to like making love with him, you refused.

It is too late to do anything about the past, but everything can be done by you to change the present as well as the future.

The tragedy of holding on to this is, you keep yourself as victim of a situation caused by a man who has since forgotten all about it. The man who caused your pains is enjoying his life while you continue to give him the power to hurt you. I appreciate you will never forget the incident but it is also pointless to continue to give this man through what he did to you back then power to hurt and dictate the melody of your life. It is too much power to give to an individual over your life hence you must allow the love and tenderness of your husband replace this very bad memory from your mind. It is called the power of positive thinking.

Look at the extra qualities in your husband, the reasons you married him and how supportive despite your obvious lack of enthusiasm to him has been.

You need to know that not all men are brutes or want a woman for the pleasure of her body only. That your husband agreed to marry despite your seeming lack of warmth to him is an indication of the goodness in most men. This guy that violated you is an exception.

Discussing your past with your husband would not only thaw the tension inside of you but would also help both of you know move your relationship and marriage forward.

In addition, you must also appreciate that as a married woman, you have to understand the value of lovemaking in a marriage. The man who raped you had sex with you, pure simple lust. Telling your husband about this dark past will help him teach you the other side of the act; lovemaking, an experience you need to erase all the pains and memories of all these years.

It is also pertinent you read books about lovemaking. Being married it is within your rights to learn more about the subject to help your marriag7e going. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help when you have to. And if you live in Lagos, please don’t hesitate to visit our office at Block 5, Plot 7D Wempco Road, Ogba, Lagos, to see me.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

When the right one comes along, the whole world seems so beautiful, I like a lady that is very clean, beautiful, lovely, caring, God fearing, friendly and working class or into business for a relationship and eventually marriage.

Tribe is not a problem but would prefer a woman based in Lagos since I based in Lagos too.

I am 41 years old has never been married, tall, self-employed and a Christian.

Any interested woman should call or send SMS this 07059289199. I am of the opinion that makes a good wife or husband is not where they both met but what is in their heart. People are like water a level must always be found.

Austin.

He Loves, But Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years of age in love with a man who would be 29 this year. Our relationship is five years old. There is no questioning the fact that he loves me as much as I love him. He is equally caring.

But the problem is that he doesn’t trust me one bit. He believes that any boy or man that calls me on my phone is either my boyfriend or daddy.

Expectedly this is causing major hiccups in our relationship as he finds it extremely difficult to believe any word I say. He once told he finds it difficult to trust any woman because he considers women generally untrustworthy

Agatha, I have never cheated on him and will never do it. Tell me how to go about earning his trust and stop all these instances of misunderstanding between us.

Do you think he will marry me? If so, would the marriage last since he can’t trust any woman on this earth?

Queen.

---

Dear Queen,

I am not a soothsayer, so I lack the power to say if he will marry you or not.

However, from his attitude towards you, it is clear there is an experience from his past which is making him unable to completely trust any woman again in his life.

This is what you should find out if you really desire this relationship because there is no way love and mistrust can exist side by side in a relationship. It is either he believes sufficiently in your person to accept everything about you or doesn’t.

Your first task is to go back into his past. Not just his relationships, but to his childhood. What type of relationship exists between his mother and him? If he classifies women as being generally untrustworthy, it means he doesn’t trust his mother as well. So, the problem goes beyond what you are looking at to something you cannot handle on your own without information from him or anyone close to him.

When a man finds it difficult to trust a woman, then there is a painful memory or incident in his past that is embossed and embedded in that part of his memory only he can reach. That memory has gathered so many cobwebs to the extent he thinks he has forgotten all about it but is unable to progress from the point of the incident.

Because it is a memory so etched in the deepest part of his heart and has erected blocks to make it harder to find, you have to learn to apply caution and wisdom to get him to talk about it. This is the time you must deploy all your feminine charms, prowess and tact to get him to talk about this incident.

Prepare for resistance and stubborn refusal to visit that incident. Don’t be deterred because it has nothing to do with you but as a result of inner struggle to open a very old wound he thought he had wrapped up nicely.

His reluctance would be more difficult to break if the issue has to do with his parents’ relationship. This sort of issue requires absolute patience so you must have plenty of it if you really love this man and hope to spend the rest of your life with him.

Frankly you are the one who has to do the most work in this relationship of getting him to learn to trust. So, are you prepared for the challenges of nursing a broken trust back to life? Mind you, a broken trust is the most important challenge in a relationship. Whereas a broken heart can be mended when true love flows in, trust takes more than love to mend. In his own way, he may indeed love you but without the concomitant trust to lay the right foundation, you may end up disappointed at the end of the day.

Whether it has to do with his family or former relationship, he needs your understanding as well as support to be able to heal properly. While it is not a case of you pretending to be who you are not, it is going out of your way to be nice so as to elicit his confidence.

The faith to allow the feelings that brought you both together sprout solid roots.

One way you can do this is by being absolutely open about your past, male friends, engagements as well as movements. Let every chapter in your life be opened for him to browse through anytime he wishes. Don’t wait for him to ask questions before giving him answers.

Refuse to be frustrated by his constant quest to know the identity of all your male callers. If possible give him the phone to talk to them if that is what would make his develop the right trust in your person.

Always have it at the back of your mind that whatever caused his insecurity in women cannot evaporate within days. It could take almost forever but if you learn how to be patient and considerate of his feelings, he will eventually forget all about the time of his pains.

Encourage and court his friendship because it is easier to trust a friend than a lover. So work on the quality of your friendship to help improve the quality of your relationship.

If you two are still having the problem of trust after five years of staying together, it shows that your relationship lacks the help of trust to pull it out of the point you started with.

The danger of all this is that in the last five years, the relationship has not grown beyond your starting point. It is dangerous for you in particular because this man hasn’t given you any solid commitment to anchor your desire to be with him for the rest of your life. Rather all he has done is to make you understand in very unmistakable terms that he doesn’t trust any woman including you.

I tell you, it isn’t going to be very easy getting him to change but if you are determined as well as have the ability to treat him like a baby, you will end up being happy eventually with him.

Good luck.

Biblical Injunction: How My Wife Is Married Off To Suit Restitution

Dear Agatha,

I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my home where a church has broken the peace I have enjoyed for 18 years in my home.

I married this woman as a second wife under the native laws and customs system 18 years ago and have three children with her. To the best of my knowledge we have had a smooth relationship. She and my first wife are close and even though I am an Anglican, we have managed our affairs quite well.

Our first son is a year two student of one the private universities while our second is warming up to go into the same university this year.

Three years ago, she told me of her desire to change church. I didn’t object since it was a church matter. I actually gave her all the encouragement since her happiness was uppermost in my mind.

Immediately she became a member of the church, Deeper Life, I noticed she changed completely, first were her trinkets and her manner of dressing. In place of the clothes she favoured, she started wearing shapeless clothes and without consulting me, stopped dressing her hair.

Just as I was trying to grapple with these changes, she began to complain about our marriage. She said was a visitor in my life and that she had committed the sin of marrying another woman’s husband.

My first wife had to come into the matter when her complaints were becoming too much. My first wife assured her that having lived with her for 18 years, she was glad at the opportunity of knowing her.

Without any premonition of what was to come, she woke up one day and packed out of my house saying the church said she should. I watched her move out of the house in a trance. To me it was like watching a movie.

She didn’t make attempt at taking the children with her, as she said the church warned against it. Nothing the children, friends and family members said could change her mind. I even went to the church to threaten them but I was told to leave her alone.

Six months later, they forced her to marry a man who is 12 years her junior.

The question I am asking Agatha is whether it is right to take the wife of another man to another man? Is that what the Bible says? What kind of church would be so callous to separate a woman from her children? She says what she has done is restitution. Is it right?

Please help me because I have read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and I haven’t seen any portion to support what this church has done to me. She remains my wife since I haven’t divorced her and have no wish to.

Olalekan

---

Dear Olalekan,

There is indeed no aspect of the Bible to support marrying off the wife of another man to another in the name of restitution. This doctrine is strange. At all times, the application of the Bible is based on God given wisdom. Since God isn’t the author of confusion it follows, He would never allow His words be used to cause pains and disappointments in the lives of His own.

Granted that the Bible talks about restitution when one becomes born again, its proper application has remained a subject of controversy. In some churches, this woman would not be encouraged to go into another marriage almost immediately but given the support to help her begin another life in company of her children. At least her nudge towards matrimony will not be this immediate to give her time to adjust to her new way of life.

Therefore, this doctrine can only be the product of this church, not that of God. Even if they are insisting on restitution on account of her presence inflicting emotional pains on your first wife, they have destroyed whatever point they hoped to gain with the stance by arranging a marriage between her and another man irrespective of his age.

In asking her to leave the home and husband of another woman, they should have considered principally the feelings of those innocent children. They are the real issue here. The best the church could have done is to support her to be alone with her children and not commit the legal and moral offence of encouraging her to marry another man while turning her back on those children.

I fail to see the moral ground of this marriage. What sorts of marriage are they hoping the two can have? A marriage where one is coming with 18 years of experience against the other one’s zero experience?

Furthermore, what about the children? Are those children also to be deprived of the love and presence of their mother on the basis of her making the first mistake of marrying another woman’s husband? Should solutions to a mistake and problem ignore reality and objectivity of the situation on ground?

God appoints to us all responsibility for our actions, which means, her responsibility to her children cannot be ignored whatsoever. Marrying her off to another man cannot erase the fact that she has a past, perpetuated by her three children, even if they feel your feelings or presence amount to nothing in all these, while same cannot be said of the products of her union with you.

Without fear or favour, what they have done paints the Christian responsibility to us as superficial and hypocritical.

The church and society owe children a good measure of responsibility, which at all times has first call over all other issues. To have coldly ignored the children in the decision of restitution, amounts clearly to throwing the baby out with the bath water. There is no justifying whatsoever the decision of the leadership of the church to separate a mother from her children.

Frankly, with the way things have turned out, there is nothing you say to this woman now that would make sense to her or change her current feelings towards you. Allow her be and concentrate your energy on those children who by now would be wondering why their mother left them without thoughts.

You must do everything possible to protect them from any psychological problem that might arise from all these as well as whatever negative attitude they may want to develop to the things of God.

Understandably, you have every reason to be bitter, resentful as well as confused but the best approach to things like this, is allowing the will of God prevail at every turn of event. It is a battle beyond you, one only God has the final say, because sometime what we think is right in our eyes may be wrong in His estimation.

Until He speaks on this issue, don’t because of what has happened make you lose faith in God or His ways. However, we, as human beings, try to interpret His thoughts. But we will never succeed at knowing the secret of His ways. That is why He remains God and we Human beings.

The greatest joy you can give to yourself and these children is to ensure they succeed in life. This is what you owe them. Your claim to them remains without dispute. Always remember this at all times to make this period endurable for you.

Good luck.

My Aged Husband Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear Agatha,

My marriage is only a year old but my husband, who is almost 20 years older than I am doesn’t trust me. I’m in my late 40s while he is in his late 60s. I am a mother of three children while he has five from his late wife. He also has about five grandchildren.

I am divorced and was that way for a considerable length of time. From the moment I met my current husband, I felt something deep for him and irrespective of our age differences decided to spend the rest of my life with him when he offered me the opportunity to.

We got married last year but instead of the peace I envisaged, he has kept suspecting me of infidelity.

By every standard I am a very pretty woman and I know a lot of men have desires for me but I have made up my mind to stay with him despite our huge age difference.

I can’t say how all this started but I think it all started when he came home one day to meet my ex-husband, who is incidentally remarried, in our living room. Actually, my ex came to discuss our second child’s choice of career. He wanted her to read medicine while she preferred pharmacy.

When he showed up at my doorstep, I didn’t have the heart to turn him away hence invited him in so we could discuss. In the process of our discussion, I offered him entertainment and must have gotten carried away because my husband met us holding hands and laughing as we watched a movie.

Although he didn’t say anything but from that point I noticed a lot of things changed between us. Right in the presence of my ex, I explained his mission in our house, which he seemed satisfied with. He even sat with us for the remaining half hour it took for the film we were watching to finish

I expected him to voice out his feelings at the point if he had any reservation but he didn’t.

I have ever done everything humanly possible to make him trust me but nothing I say or do has been able to change his opinion of me.

Although he is caring and very attentive to the needs of my children, I want his trust. I am so confused and don’t know how to go about this issue.

Please help me.

Mariam.

---

Dear Mariam,

In his shoes how would you feel walking into your matrimonial home and meeting your husband with his ex holding hands, sharing a drink and watching a movie together? What does that scene convey to the onlooker? Complete sense of intimacy between the two of you.

Yes, couples that have gone their different ways and have children between them cannot totally avoid each other but then there should be limits.

Allowing him to come into the home of another man and going to the extent of entertaining him, sitting together and holding hands is more than enough to plant a seed of doubt into the mind of any man, particularly an old man taking the risk of marrying at the age he ought to be happy.

Coming home and meeting the two of you in the relaxed and compromising position is more than an old man can bear. If you expect him to clap and pat your back for being so unthinking and disrespectful, then you are wrong.

The moment you re-married, your ex became part of your past life, a life you need the permission of your new life to visit. Your ex had no right coming to your matrimonial home and you definitely were wrong to have invited him in without the express permission of your current husband.

If he doesn’t trust you anymore, it is because you gave him concrete reasons to doubt your sincerity to him. You are a married woman, no longer free to associate with any man in an intimate way. Besides, why would you allow any man to visit you at home when no one else was around to defend your honour? For all your current husband knows, both of you could have indulged in something unholy given the fact that nobody was around in the house.

Besides being former couples, you risked bringing back the memories of a time past. When it comes to the issue of sex, a lot of things can go wrong when caught on the side of things. Sexual feelings and rascality has nothing to do with age or ability to take charge of the situation, not when the situation seems right and actually support the act to happen. The fact that your ex stayed for another 30 minutes to finish watching the film that was on showed the contempt he held you and your marriage.

If you were more discerning you would have been able to read mischief into this visit. From his attitude, the whole process of his visit may have been timed to create problems for you in your marriage. A case of no man having what he doesn’t want.

There was no reason for him to have come into your house to discuss the issue he purportedly came to discuss. This could have been done on the phone. And if he must see you, why didn’t he invite you to his house as the man and father of the child in question? His home would have been a more suitable place to discuss any issue affecting the children you have together not the home of another man.

What do you think would have happened if it were the wife who chanced in on such a scene between you and her husband? You are lucky your husband didn’t react probably because he now has maturity on his side.

You have really wronged your husband and need to do everything humanly possible including going on your knees to beg for his forgiveness. Yes, you may not have done anything with your ex but what you did is enough to make any man doubt your loyalty and sense of propriety as a married woman.

Entertaining a man in your home without the consent or knowledge of your husband is wrong and very difficult to explain.

When he arrived unexpectedly and insisted on discussing the issue of his child, you should have taken time out to phone your husband on the development. Such consideration for his feelings would have prepared him for the scene he met in his living room.

What happened scattered the basis of his foundation for you. Besides, it must have made him recall things he had previously forgotten like the memory of his late wife. Silently, he would be blaming God for taking the woman he started out with, whose death is making him witness things he shouldn’t be seeing in his old age. Don’t blame him for this. Being 20 years older than you, he has more experience than you and has more open wound scenes like the one he saw open up afresh. Unlike you, his capacity to endure such pain is weakened by the sad memories we daily carry along.

Go to him, cry and beg him to forgive you, tell him you have realised your mistake and that it would never happen again. The difference between the old and the young is that when an old man falls in love, it is without reservations because he has seen it all.

Show your husband that you love him by inviting him out to a naughty time out away from him. Like a child, he needs to feel and be assured of the love of the woman in his life.

Good luck.

My Pastor Boyfriend Wants Me Pregnant As Marriage Preconditon

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very tight corner as my boyfriend of six months who professes to be a pastor is insisting I get pregnant before he can marry me.

I have equally made up against getting pregnant before I marry or allow him sleep with me for that matter. Although I am not a virgin but I want a man to love me for whom I am, and not for the thrills of my body.

I actually love this man with my whole heart but his condition is putting me off as well as making me questioning his passion for the things for God.

I am so confused especially as my age, early 30s, is putting me under severe pressure to settle down but do you think him sincere in his feelings for me? Incidentally, he is in his late 40s and still single.

Confused Lady.

---

Dear Confused Lady,

I concur you are walking a very tight rope but one which wisdom and honesty of what you really want out of life can get you off easily without consequences.

To help you make the right choice, think of what your new values are and what informed them. A man who is interested in a woman would not give conditions without thinking of the consequences to the woman.

The issue here is whether you are you ready to be pregnant now without being married? You have said no, so let your no be a resounding one to him, one he has to understand as well as appreciate the reasons behind it.

The danger of submitting to him on this one is that if you allow him to blackmail you now he will do to you as he pleases in future. From this early, he has to learn to respect you, consider your feelings and thoughts as well as give both of you the opportunity to discuss the advantages or otherwise of the choices you have to make in your relationship.

A relationship where one party takes the decision and expects the other person to accept such a decision never works no matter how desperate the two initially crave for it. The pedals of a successful relationship need the input of both parties to get it moving excellently well.

In this instance both of you must set aside your previous prejudices that caused both of you to take the decisions you each took before going into this relationship. Without both of you helping this relationship get off the ground, it will collapse like a pack of cards.

On your part, you must understand why he is unmarried at his age when all his peers are almost expecting their grandchildren. Whatever experiences he has had are definitely not pleasant ones for him to be still single at his age. Against this background, you must understand that such a man may not be ready to take chances, want assurances that after waiting for almost 50 years of age, his choices are very limited hence must have the physical evidence to take the all important step in life.

For him, it is no longer love the way you see it but a reality of what he has to do. This is not saying he doesn’t feel anything for you but not enough to make him take the risk of marrying a woman he isn’t sure of her ability to give him a child.

Though unfortunate, given the fact that as a servant of God he ought to be more trusting of the God he serves, he is still a man, limited by his ways and hampered by his life experiences. You must understand that not everybody who claims to be a servant of God has all that it takes to stand on the side of God in times of trials and temptations. Yet, God finds a place for them to work in His vineyard, so don’t on account of what he is asking you to do question his relevance in the factory of God.

The danger of concentrating on his vocation is that you will never be able to make an unbiased assessment of all the unseen issues involved in his demands. To help, you must know every experience he has had with women and how he ended up being still single at his age.

That would enable you know how to manage him in such a way your relationship would come out the best for it.

As the woman involved and who has to give him back the confidence he must have lost in the past in women and relationships, you cannot afford to be too rigid on certain things. While you insist you don’t want to get pregnant before the wedding day, both of you can quietly go to the registry to formalise your union to enable you get pregnant within legal frameworks. Make him understand that this is more for his sake than yours since he is the one who has the moral responsibility of facing a congregation of God’s children to explain why he who is supposed to know better pre-empted his marital vows.

You have to learn to use what is important to him now to make him reason with you. There is every possibility that in his blinded quest to actualise his own personal agenda, he forgot to consider the implication of his desire on his calling as well as the effect it would have on all the youths who in one way or the other have come to see him as their role model.

Discussing it with him would enable him think beyond the immediacy of his problem and consider all those who would not only be disappointed at his conduct but equally those whose Christian growth and life would be terminated by this quest of his.

The proper wedding, if it would not affect his ministry can wait until you get pregnant.
In your 30s, I am not going tell you to submit to his love advances or not. This is because you are more than ripe and old enough to know what you want and how to manage your desires having done it before.

However, one thing stands out in a relationship that is this complex and has over-aged participants, it cannot be conducted like that involving young and impressionable couple. You have both seen life in all its colours and know what to drop to meet your immediate need and what to hold on to in terms of personal principle.

As for being sincere, it depends on who judges whom. Though jaundiced and appears subjective, he has at least the boldness to tell you what works for him. It goes beyond the sincerity to that of the needs of a middle-aged man who wants to be sure of the years he has left. Life’s lessons have taught him to look at life differently from the way he would have looked at it about two decades back.

That he is offering you marriage in addition to being the mother of his child is enough show of sincerity for him.

Since his offer has not offended you enough to quit the relationship or stop the flow of love you have for him, shows the relationship has one or two things going in its favour.

This is what you two should find out and hold on to jealously, to give your foundation a good frame as well as character to navigate it.

Issues like this require both of you to make the choice that suits your relationship and not what works in an ideal world or for others.

In addition, you both need to seek collectively and individually the face of God to be sure you were meant to be together since that is the only way all the other ingredients can finely mix together without lumps or lose bonds. Once God gives His consent, whatever the problems are would melt naturally away.

The essence of seeking the face of God is to prevent the greater calamity of having to live with monumental regrets after all the former years you have both waited to be happy.

Good luck.

Re: Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

I read your column often and would like to say you are doing a nice job. On May 11, 2009, your publication concerning a guy, scared of losing his woman to premature ejaculation fascinates me.

I would like to offer him the benefit of experience and assist him.

I am not a specialist or an expert, just a young guy of 23 years of age, who had similar problem and become knowledgeable on it from reading several articles on the issue. Would be glad if you can do this if it isn’t against your policy.

Jerry.

---

Dear Jerry,

I am glad at the news you are offering to share with this reader. I am sure he would get to you through your email once he reads this.

---

Dear Anxious Man,

If reading this, take advantage of the offer through this email address, jerrychi770@yahoo.com. No teacher like experience.

Good luck.

To My Craving, He Ejaculates Too Soon…

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 28 years of age who just got married.

I don't enjoy sex, though I hear people discuss their sexual escapades and I try to satisfy my husband despite my feelings.

Every time we want to make love, I feel so wet and ready but when the real show starts I get bored because he ejaculates quickly and off when I am just starting to enjoy him. This annoys me. If I ask for more he’ll tell me it is okay or call me a prostitute that will never get enough of sex.

Please what can I do? I can't discuss this with anybody and I can't complain since he may think I am being unfaithful to him.

I need your advice because I crave to enjoy sex like everybody does.

Frustrated Wife.

---

Dear Frustrated Wife,

If he is failing to do what is right what efforts have you made to help the marriage overcome this issue outside complaining of his inability?

Granted, sexual harmony and happiness remains one of marriage’s greatest challenges. No doubt, a lot of the time, women are forced to endure sexual unhappiness in their marriages to avoid the very problem you touched on.

Because sex remains a powerful tool of communication and bonding in a relationship, you and your partner must find a way to discuss it as peacefully as possible if your union is to last. This is against the background that a lot of things unintended may happen when a man or woman isn’t getting the type of fulfillment he or she craves for the partner. This is why you must get past the complain compartment to the action mode to prevent regrettable actions. Many extra marital affairs didn’t begin because those who find themselves in it wanted to. Unresolved sexual problems in some marriages pushed some couples into it. This is in recognition of the role and importance of sex to the adult person whether male or female.

As a woman, you must find a way outside the bedroom to tell your husband what you feel. Let him know before starting the discussion that it is in the interest of your marriage he listens to you. Look for a soft landing, the time he is at his most relaxed, when his mood can endure and envelop all irritations without getting angry. If you know your man well, this should not be a difficult thing to do. Once you sense him listening to you, open up to him not by criticising him but by presenting the issue as romantic suggestions of how to improve your love life.

Most men find the issue of their sexual prowess very sensitive mainly due to the typical male ego. Everyman is under the illusion that when it comes to sexual performance, he is the best and any woman who does as much as hint at the flip side of this notion gets crucified by the man and called names just to hit back at her.

The idea is to stop her from making demands of him because he doesn’t have any answer to the issues she is bringing up. It also makes him shaky and less confidence of himself. This is one thing you must never do to your man else, in his bid to restore his confidence in his ability as a man, he would fight you like a wounded lion. For this reason be careful on how you handle this because it has the capacity of capsising your marital boat. Believe me, the entire blame of the problem will be placed at your door step since it has become an ego issue for him and when a man’s self-esteem is involved he is capable of saying or doing anything to come out smelling roses.

The woman is always the loser in the game of sex more so when the person pointing the accusing fingers is her husband.

But if yours is the kind of man that gets really uppity about issues like this, there are other ways to get him to listen to you. And it is definitely not by fighting him or nagging him on the issue. A woman who finds herself in this type of situation should use her imagination. She should without shame create the mood for massive romance. This entails spending money to woo him into the right frame of mind for the seduction plan.

It also entails a thorough research of adult books and adult films that teach the woman how to take the initiative. A woman who finds herself in this situation must discard fear and be bold to do what she has to do to both save and protect her marriage while still treating the man as king. Even if stealing the initiative from him, always give him the impression he is firmly in charge. This way you are able to get your way and change the tempo of things between the two of you without resistance from him.

What does he like the most? Give him a present of what he loves, including well research books and films aimed at putting him in the right mood.

Soften the mood further by getting yourself a sinfully designed nightgown, for his eyes only. Top it up with a sweet smelling perfume that would forever plant the memory of the moment you are trying to create in his mind forever.

Electric light should give way to perfumed candlelight to make the whole thing irresistible for him. With a good wine, food and the right atmosphere, put to practical use all the knowledge you gathered from reading the books while the adult film is on to give him visuals of how you want it done. In selecting the visuals, make sure it is the one that has the one on the lead role.

At that point, he would readily agree to being used by you as an experiment tool.

The lesson here is to give him another side of lovemaking; something new and different from what he is used to. Chances are if he really enjoyed it and you are good at the game of optimum seduction, he would gladly allow you to lead the game the next time you do it.

Fighting for your happiness with your man isn’t done by nagging or physical quarrel. It is by using tact and wisdom. A woman with plenty of wisdom can win any battle at home provided she remains humble, unassuming but with plenty of imagination.

This is because majority of men don’t admit to their faults or limitations. It is the duty of the woman to find a way around the problem for them while at the same time taking care to give them the credit for it.

As a matter of fact, learn to compliment him when he goes out of his way to allow you take the lead role. Such compliments and the smile of satisfaction he gets from you would make him want to do more because in the actual sense of it, he is the one who is most happy at the new things and sense of well-being your ideas have brought into your love life.

This is why you are his wife, the woman of the home. Your role isn’t just to receive but to give as well. This way you put in all your best to eradicate this problem now.

Being married, you have the licence to approach God for help in getting your man to be receptive to your ideas and you to his too.

Good luck.

At 27, Fighting Hard To Avoid Premarital Sex…

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate all you have been doing for us. I am 27 years old, still a virgin. I am a very principled guy that is against pre-marital sex. I am very handsome. I have many beautiful female friends who have all left me because I won't have sex with them.

Agatha, do you think I am doing the right thing? I plan to only have sex with the woman I am married to and not pre-marital sex. Please, advice me because I am confused.

Worried Michael.

---

Dear Worried Michael,

Why are you confused? Your decision shows you have character and integrity. You are definitely on the right track. Forget what anybody or your female friends are saying. The important thing is what you have elected to do as well as the peace you derive from doing it.

When it comes to issue like this, don’t expect support or understanding because in a long line of hundred, chances are you are the only one holding on to such an ideals. So it would be difficult for the other 99 to understand what you are talking about or think you normal.

In such situation, you would even begin to question the sanity of your decision just as you are doing now but I assure you, at the end of the day, you will come out better than the majority.

A girl who leaves a man on account of the fact that he refuses to have sex with her isn’t worth planning a life journey with. Ideally a woman should be glad that a man respects her enough not to ply her with demands of sex before he walks her down the aisle.

You may not appreciate what you are doing until you meet the right woman who would treat you as her king on account of this decision you have taken.

And always remember the good things are the most difficult to propagate while the bad ones are the easiest to sell.

Don’t worry, when the situation gets so confusing, look up to God for help and support.

Good luck.

After His Seven Years Abroad… Haven’t I Waited In Vain?

Dear Agatha,

I am sending this mail to you in tears. I have a fiancé, who lives abroad. Before he travelled in 2001 he made a promise that if I could keep myself for him, he will marry me.

I kept my promise. Initially, things were going on well. He would call and send money but things changed in 2004 when he sent money through his brother to me. These days he calls either once or twice a month but still insists I keep myself for him.

He came back home last year but to my greatest surprise, he didn’t treat me like the main woman in his life. He also didn’t make mention of his plans to marry me. Puzzled by his attitude I had no choice but to broach the subject. His answer shocked me, even to the marrow. He told me in clear terms that he has lost interest in marrying me but was willing to assist me to go to Europe.

This is because for seven years I shunned every other man who came my way. I didn’t want to go back on the promise I made to him to keep myself until he comes for my hands in marriage.

I agreed to follow him to Europe so we started processing my papers. I spent so much money trying to get the papers. And just as we are about completing the process, he made another dramatic U-turn. He says he doesn’t have the money to assist me to continue and that I should hold on since Europe was rough now. Agatha, I can’t help asking God why me? Right now I have spent all my money on this project. Please help and advise me on what to do next.

Omokhodion.

---

Dear Omokhodion,

It is unfortunate but in a way you are to blame for the mess you have found yourself. The moment he stopped calling you as often as he used to, reducing it to either once or twice a month, you should have known things have changed between the two of you. At that point, you didn’t need a soothsayer to spell it out to you that this man has since found pleasure in the arms of another woman.

Frankly, you allowed him to waste your time and it all had to do with the fact that you wanted to travel abroad at all cost.

I am sure if the same man in Nigeria had given you the same conditions to wait for him as well as the same treatment you would since have left the relationship for something more promising.

Even though some disappointments are real and unexpected, however most of the time, the disappointments we suffer come from our determined refusal to accept obvious signs. The signs of your eventual disappointment were there for you to see all these while but you simply decided to ignore them for the ultimate purpose of travelling abroad.

This is underscored by your willingness to accept his offer to assist you abroad despite his declaration that he has lost interest in you.

For instance, you would have noticed from the reception of his family towards you or the frequency they visited you. That their son is abroad should not have stopped them from commencing any marriage rites with your family, if indeed he was serious with the promises you made to each other when he was leaving.

At the point he changed, if he had done the proper thing of telling his family all about you, they would have been able to influence or intervened on your behalf.

Also men who are serious about the women in their lives, before travelling out expose and make known their relationships to their families.

In fairness to him, he may have really liked you enough to want to marry you before leaving but changed his mind when he got there.

From the point he made public his decision to assist you, you should have declined the offer and terminated every relationship with him.

A man who has no qualms leaving you for seven years or felt any remorse at the havoc he has caused in your life should have been kept at arm’s length. Accepting his terms showed you were too desperate to do anything to go abroad which may have also raised the question in his mind of the authenticity of your love for him. You filtered the little respect you had by agreeing to his conditions without a protest.

By agreeing to such demeaning terms, you re-enforced whatever reasons or stories he may have heard that made him change his mind about you. Your willingness made you appear desperate and ready to do anything to travel. When a man is looking for a wife, a lot of issues come to play and many of them don’t want is a desperate woman. This is because men think woman who is desperate is capable of doing anything to achieve her goal.

The past is past. There is no way you can retrieve both money and time you have wasted on this failed relationship.

Gather whatever pride you have left and move on with your life. Let him know that without him, you can stand and walk tall. That deep down you have what it takes to make any man proud. Weeping over what has happened would only make him feel like a demigod who has the key to your life in his palms.

Make him regret his loss and decision to leave you by pretending even when you are hurting badly inside of you that he doesn’t matter anymore in your life. Life is a big gamble. We win some and lose some.

The man that would appreciate you would one day come your way and with this experience behind you, you are now more knowledgeable about what to look out for. However, care must also be taken by you not to transfer the bitterness of your previous relationship to the new one else you end up more frustrated and bitter with life itself.

God never wanted both of you to be together because if He did, irrespective of whatever may have happened, this man would still have come for you. This is what you should always remember at all time to gather the right strength and attitude to move on with life.

Had you bothered to look at this man you wasted seven years of your life on, you would have noticed fundamental flaws in his character, things you know would make your living together impossible.

But all that is gone so move on and allow the will of God for you to shine through this nightmare by going to Him in prayers and complete submission to His supremacy in all things.

Good luck.

My Teenage Friend Turns Up For Renewed Deal

Dear Agatha,

I pray that you will reap the fruit of your labour here on earth for the good things you are doing to solve people's problems. I will be 30 late this year and there is this guy who happens to be my first love but because we were young then, were unable to manage the challenges of our religious differences, he being a Muslim and I a Christian.

However, we met again late last year and he expressed the willingness to continue from where we stopped several years ago. I am scared because then I was a virgin and I am no longer one. Besides, I am of the opinion that he only wants to have a taste of me and leave.

Agatha, to tell you the truth, I like him especially as we no longer have the burden of religious differences.

I am so confused and need your help.

Worried Girl.

---

Dear Worried Girl,

What makes you think he is after only your body? If this is true, why are you even considering him?

Although as an adult woman you reserve the right to do whatever you please with your body, the fact remains, you will be the one who will get hurt in the process if you are aware of his intentions and still go ahead to oblige him with a relationship.

At your age, you must be able to account for whatever you do. Why would you go into a relationship with a man who has nothing more on his agenda but that of having the privilege of your body? Is that what you are looking for, a man to add you to his list of conquests?

Shouldn’t you be focused now in life especially as you are itching towards that age when all women take stock of their early years especially if unmarried? This is not time for you to be making hasty and sentimental decisions, choices that will not pay you at all.

If you must go into this relationship both of you need to sit to discuss the future of the relationship since you both have a past together. Be bold to ask specific questions as well as discuss your suspicions. It is also pertinent you ask about his current status and even if single, his love life.

Like you, he has a past. These pasts have to be discussed to enable both of you know the platforms you are coming from and where you are going from the point you met again. Your story would tell him everything he needs to know about your body state as well as plans for the future.

Submitting to him on his conditions without first discussing the health of the relationship will eventually turn that likeness of yours to pains and eventually disappointment.

You can only be happy if you know what to look out for in the process of seeking happiness.

Good luck.

Being Virgin Woman At 32 Sounds More Of Curse…

Dear Agatha,

I find your daily articles quite encouraging and helpful.

I’m 32 years old, a Nigerian woman based in the United States of America. I am blessed, well read and have a good job. I also come from strict Christian family. Even if I say so myself, I am responsible and a born again Christian.

I have never had a long-term relationship with a man. My friends and some families back home have recommended men for me on different occasions but none seems to have worked out. I tell you the truth, at my age, I am still a virgin.

I go to church every Sunday, belief strongly in God but I am worried that I am yet to be married or even have a relationship with any man for long.

I am more of a shy and humble person. I have read so many books on relationships, been to so many seminars for singles and sowed seeds for God to give me my own husband but nothing has happened yet.

Sometimes I begin to wonder, if there is a witchcraft curse or incantation placed on my family because my elder sisters are in the same problem as well.

We are all single ladies. My eldest sister is almost 50 and still a single. We find it hard to travel to Nigeria because it is quite shameful to us. It is not that I’m boasting, my sisters and I all are quite good looking as in terms of physical appearances, and can’t help wondering why we are in such a situation. I have seen well behaved single brothers in my church that have the fear of God in them, but I find it difficult to approach them for a relationship because I always want a man to make the first move in a relationship.

Please, I need your advise on what to do for me to get married. I know is not a one way thing but I just need advise from you and if possible, steps to take as a single lady.

Grace.

---

Dear Grace,

The first major challenge here is for one of you to come back home to discuss your family history. If your elder sisters and the other sisters you have are all unmarried despite having the right looks, behaviour and financial independence, then something is very wrong somewhere with your family foundation. Things like this just don’t happen without a cause.

Without you finding out, whatever you do or steps you take in approaching a man will not yield the right fruit. Whatever it is that is preventing your father’s daughters from marrying will not allow the move to succeed until the powers it wields over you and your sisters are broken.

It is very important you understand the history of your problem. Is it limited to only your father’s children or has its origin in the older generation?

If limited to your father’s daughters, then ask your father what happened before he met or married your mother. Demand to know if he promised any other woman before your mother married him and what transpired between them when he made public his preference for your mother.

Chances are if the other woman was justified in her anger and your father guilty of duplicity, whatever words said in anger may have their consequences on you and your sisters.

Sometimes, the challenges we are made to face or carry in life are not produced by magical charms of our enemies, but brought about by our own thoughtless actions.

If your father or any of your male ancestors are guilty of causing a woman embarrassment, disappointment and emotional pains along the line, it follows that they too would watch their daughters suffer the same things in the hands of other men.

Telling you the truth would help you and your sisters know where to direct your prayers and what to do to remove this curse upon your heads.

Besides, this is one occasion you need spiritual help from your pastor and fellow Christian brothers and sisters. You need corporate prayers as well as deliverance to sail through this stage of your life. You also require fasting for God to reveal to you certain things that are hidden to help you know the extra mile you have to go for solutions. He says where two or more are gathered in His name, He would answer. The paradox of life is that the innocent is often called to carry the burden of the guilty.

Besides, your father may not even remember what he has done but asking him would help him know whom precisely he is to beg for the freedom of his daughters. A problem is more than half way solved if we are pointed at the right direction.

This is basic for you to move on. Granted there are some social drawbacks for you and your sisters, this is not an issue you should foot drag on because as women you have expiring date. Don’t allow pride or the fear of what people would say prevents you from taking the step of faith as well as reality.

People are always at liberty to say anything they like but it is the duty of the individual involved in an issue to seek the right solutions that would make the pain of the situation melts away.

Nobody would ever fight your battle for you if you fail to make the first move. A baby must cry for the mother to offer help hands.

Another issue you should look at is your attitude. Yes, you may be responsible but if arrogant about your successes in life, it would be difficult for any man to stay around you for long enough to appreciate the other qualities in you. Many a time, when we are successful, we become arrogant without even knowing it simply on account of those little things we fail to do. How do people around you, especially men access you? Are you approachable? Being reserved or shy sometimes come across as being snobbish or condescending. Success has many in between colours, some definite others non-descriptive. It is this middle hews of your character you should X-ray to enable you know if you are all that you say you are. If you are honest you will know what the issue really are.

And when that is done, there is no law, which says you cannot approach a man you like for friendship first before talking about a relationship. Our happiness is our own business not that of anybody so if you don’t at time create your own happiness, nobody would do it for you. Being friends with your dream man affords him the first hand opportunity to study you at close quarters and know who you really are.

Above all, learn to pray and listen to the voice and directions of God.

Good luck.

Erectile Dysfunction Denies Me Sexual Ecstasy

Dear Agatha,

I am 24 years, and I have never had sex, though I had a girlfriend who never succumbed to it because of her values. So, I opted for masturbation, and for eight years now I have been doing it. I later had another girlfriend due to a major breakup between the former and I. My present girl is ready to have sex, but the major hitch now is my erectile dysfunction.

What do I do about this condition?

Anxious Man.

---

Dear Anxious Man,

Erectile dysfunction or impotence occurs when a man that has erection cannot get or keep an erection that is firm enough to have sex. It can occur at any age but more common in older men who have other health challenges. The good thing is that treatment is possible whatever the age of the man involved.

From your story, anxiety and over dependence on masturbation may be the twin problem affecting you. Over masturbation leads to sexual under performance by way of premature ejaculation, as well as other sexual problems.

Under normal circumstances, masturbation is a healthy sexual behaviour but like other behaviours when over practised it could lead to both psychological and physiological imbalances. Frequent and excessive masturbation and ejaculation result in over-production of sex hormones and neurotransmitters. An unnatural abundance of these hormones and neurotransmitters can cause the brain and adrenal glands to perform excessive dopamine-norepinephrine-epinephrine conversion, which make the brain and body function at an extreme level. In other words, there is a huge change in body chemistry when one masturbates excessively.

This often is the cause of frustrating sexual side effects like the one you are currently experiencing.

Going from one extreme end to the other, may also be a factor in your problem. For eight years, you have depended on self-stimulation to get relief on account of your girlfriend not wanting to have sex with you. Now you have a girlfriend who is ready to have sex but it would take a long time for your brain and body to adjust to having actual sex.

Masturbation has customised your body to ejaculate at a particular time, has programmed your body to accept the timing of your mind and manipulations. Having depended on it for eight years, it isn’t going to be easy for you body to adjust automatically on account of your desire to make love with a woman. It will take a while and would require understanding, patience, support, perseverance and endurance from your partner to overcome. On your part too, you have to be forthcoming with information on your old life as well as your current desires to help her navigate around the issue without it affecting your psychology too much and her appreciation of the problem.

This is because your issue is more complicated than that of the average male virgin. While you may not have actually made love to a woman, your sexual senses aren’t mute; they have been given life and definition by your recourse to masturbation. For this reason, you must go back to the basis of man-woman relationship to be able to overcome your erectile dysfunction. There is a very wide margin between the timing of self-stimulation and making love to a woman.

While the normal physical response for a man is to reach climax and ejaculate is approximately two to three minutes after penetrating the vagina, the normal physical response for a woman is to build to a climax about 12 to 14 minutes after sex occurs. Some premature ejaculation cases are easy to diagnose, especially when the man ejaculates before he even penetrates a woman. In relationship terms, premature ejaculation can be diagnosed as ejaculating before the woman gets orgasm. This is what over-masturbation can lead to, a disappointed woman and a frustrated man.

But to be sure yours isn’t the sign of a serious medical problem, how well were you able to manage your erection during those years you masturbated? Can you remember the length of time it took for you to have and sustain your erection? Do you have the normal male sign of virility in the morning? Do you get stimulated by the sight of a really pretty or sexy woman like men do? Does thinking about sex give you any hard-on?

If your answers are positive, then your current situation is one that can easily be cured with confidence on your part and understanding from your partner. Whether she comes with a wealth of experience or not, once both of you have the trust and support of each other, you can overcome.

On your part, you have to transfer your knowledge of self-stimulation to her body. Use more of your hands at the initial stage to get her ready for action and only go into her when you are almost ready to peak. This way, she gets satisfied while you learn the ropes of helping yourself make love to a woman.

Usually, the problem comes from a man not knowing what to do with a woman’s body during the process of lovemaking. Even when a man has the problem of early ejaculation, once he knows the technique of getting his woman ready for the peak action, it takes an imaginative mind to hide his inadequacies from a woman during the act of lovemaking. Fantastic male lovers are not necessarily the men who are able to sustain longer erections but those who add a lot of imagination and innovations by showing tremendous consideration for the feelings of the woman involved. If a man were able to distinguish the difference between sex and lovemaking, even if it takes him one second to sustain an erection, the woman would brand him a successful lover.

However if your answers are doubtful and point to the existence of some outstanding problem, it is in your interest to see a doctor immediately.

Good luck.

Any Spiritual, Health Hazard In Masturbating?

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years of age and a student. I do masturbate, because it helps me reduce sexual upset, but I am worried about the alarm of the so-called disadvantages of the act spiritually, psychologically, and socially. I take them as false because I do not belief in them. I can still think well, pray well, and do things well. I have been masturbating for two year now.

Please enlighten me about this situation. Is there any spiritual, physical, psychological, mental or emotional effect in masturbating? Is it good or bad to do it? If there are any negative effects, please advise me on how to run away from it.

Musa.

---

Dear Musa,

I decided to pair your letter with this one to expose you to the likely dangers of over dependence on masturbation.

The issue raised by the Anxious Man typifies problems that challenge most men or women that are addicted to masturbation face later in life. This is by far out-weighs the so-called benefits associated with the act.

While the act for a while may give relief, protect against the dangers of indiscriminate sex, it could also affect the normal man-woman relationship by robbing the man of his confidence to make love with a woman.

Much as I won’t pretend it is an adult, most adults, especially males have engaged in one time or the other in their lives, and moderation is the key. Learn to moderate your addiction to it to prevent a real life threatening health problem later in your marriage.

As for the spiritual, naturally the Bible and other religious books frown at it because it negates the principle of God. The Bible is clear, the body is the temple of God, and should be so treated. When we indulge in the act of masturbation, it is assumed that the temple has been violated. Sex is something that should be done between a man and woman. When a man or woman masturbates, it is assumed he or she is making love to him or herself, a deviation from the rule of God.

Any thing done outside the laws of God are immoral and could bring about a spiritual consequence on the offender’s life.

That is as far as the spiritual angle goes.

The same goes for the social aspect, which is why nobody discusses his or her recourse to it when the emotional circumstances demand for it.

Good luck.

My Parents Say He’s Outcast, Kick Against Our Relationship

Dear Agatha,

I’m a lady of 24 years of age, currently doing the compulsory National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme. I am in a relationship with a man whom I cherish and who loves me too. We are happy beings.

But my parents are determined to end this happiness. According to my parents, his family is an outcast, hence they want me to discontinue the relationship.

After making inquiries from people and meeting men of God, I was told the issue of anyone being an outcast is obsolete. As a matter of fact, his family members have all being true Christians for quite sometime now. I was therefore assured that nothing would happen to me should I follow the dictate of my heart.

Despite my explanations and citing of different instances of people who have married into such families, my parents remained adamant.

As it stands now, they are taking the issue of my insistence as a sign of disrespect and disobedience to them.

I want to do it in a way that everybody in my family will attend my wedding and be happy.

But since things are not turning out this way, I don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can give up my love and relationship with this boy without a concrete reason.

Confused Girl.

---

Dear Confused Girl,

Even if your parents accept him wholeheartedly, there is no way everybody in your family or in your life can all be happy at your choice of a husband. Some out of jealousy will always kick against it and some on the premise of mischief will come up with several reasons why they think your happiness isn’t with the man of your choice.
So perish the thought of trying to make everyone happy; it is an impossible task. Not even God has succeeded in making mankind smile at the marvelous works He does in our collective lives everyday. There will always be complaints from people.

This is a matter of you knowing what you want the most in life. Our current lives have advanced beyond the issue of certain people being outcast and some being free born. God never created us to be different in terms of social acceptance and co-existence therefore nobody has the right to take away people’s freedom or happiness based on some ancient customs that are barbaric or malicious.

Whatever made them outcast by your native system died long ago hence wrong for any person or group of person to alienate this boy or members of his family from being happy.

If there were global outrage against the apartheid system in South Africa on account of infringement on the rights of blacks in that country, what justification then does anybody have in Nigeria to segregate against anybody on account of ancient customs whose origin itself is enmeshed in the politics of some people’s quest to perpetually remain superior to others?

It is an unfair reason to deny you and the love of your life happiness. And if your parents are Christians they should know that before God, all men, whether rulers or servants are equal. That though we may come with different skin pigmentation, His love and reasons for creating all of us is same. And that whatever they profess, is made nonsense of their refusal to imbibe the teachings of their creed, which gives absolute freedom to all mankind.

If reasons refuse to prevail, you may have to take your own destiny into your hands by following the rhythm of your heart because at the end of the day, it is your happiness that is the main course. No matter how much you seek to make everybody happy at your choice of a man, if you aren’t happy, the smiles of others at your decision will not count.

Your happiness has to be full watt, its brightness 100 per cent, in order to shine through the storms of two different individuals coming together for life. Marriage is a challenging journey. You need the love, respect, friendship, support and understanding of each other to accomplish with minimal discomforts. Without you starting out with the person you love and respect, the journey would not only be difficult but absolutely stormy. Is that the kind of marriage you want, one where you and your man will never agree on any matter, one where you are always afraid to come home to and glad when either of you has an official assignment that entails sleeping outside the home?

Your parents cannot love you more than you love yourself. Yes, they brought you into the world, but cannot create your happiness for you.

Granted, you owe them explanation for your decisions but the final decision rests with you since you are of age. This is not to say, you shouldn’t try to convince them further or look properly into the character of this man you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

This is particularly important given the stiff opposition against your union. Until later in future when the current opposition against your union would have been watered down by time, you are clearly on your own in terms of family support. Hence, you must be sure that the man you are marrying is worth the risk of turning your back against the protective love of your family to avoid the double tragedy of being left by both your husband and family in the dark.

You must also properly scrutinise your feelings for this man. How much of a friend are you to him? How much of your friend is he to you too? Are you able to laugh at each and with each other? Do you have the type of friendship that can withstand and support difficult times?

When a couple is very much into each other, it makes the whole business of managing challenges within the relationship easier. This is one thing you must objectively look out for in your relationship as you contemplate your final decision on this relationship.

If there is something extra special, your positive conviction is irreplaceable in this relationship, don’t be afraid to pitch your tent here because you may never get it right even if you have the most handsome man for a husband.

A time comes in a person’s life when you either make the choice to be happy on your terms or make the choice to be unhappy while pleasing the majority. You are at that vital junction in your life when you to make the choice to be happy forever or make your parents happy at your own expense.

Whatever your decision is going to be, please, first seek the face of God who knows and sees the end from the beginning. Leave him only if God says so not because some ancient customs classify him as being a substandard human being. Nothing in creation, places one man above the other, not even those born with physical deformity hence presumptuous for anybody to arrogate to him or herself the power of classification of God’s perfect work. Not even being one’s parents gives such right.

Good luck.

My Marriage Is Complicated

Dear Agatha,

I read one of your articles; was challenged and decided to open up to you.

I am exactly 34 years old and married. I have been married for two years and we are still expecting the fruit of the womb. My husband and I courted for six years before we got married and he doesn’t live in Nigeria.

At the time of our meeting and during our courtship, not once did he tell me about the existence of a wife or children.

We had already printed our wedding invitation for both the traditional and statutory marriages before he told me on the eve of our traditional wedding about the existence of two children another woman had for him.

According to him, this woman also stays abroad but not with him. He assures that she was only a girlfriend and that, they there was nothing legal between them. Officially, he says they have been separated for three years and that he only talks to her when he wants to speak with the children.

He ended up pleading with me not to leave him on account of what he told me because I mean the world to him. Since I also love him, I accepted his pleas and agreed to go ahead with all the wedding plans.

However, shortly after our wedding, he informed me that the same woman out of mistake gave him another baby. He again apologised but I lost every trust in him.

I actually suspect him of having numerous girlfriends he is keeping away from me.

When members of my family got to know the details of his life, they were very angry with me for going ahead with the wedding plans without considering the implications of what he told me.

Now they are pressurising me to divorce him on account of his duplicity and unfaithfulness to me. What do I do?

Anonymous.

---

Dear Anonymous,

This is indeed a very complex situation as you are already in the marriage. I can’t tell you to leave because that will be coming between two adults and the choice they made to spend the rest of their lives together. Just like you decided to marry him without pressures from anybody, so also should you make the choice to do what pleases you at the end of the day.

But in making that choice, consider these points to help protect you against similar mistakes.

Why did you marry this man? Was it love or were you influenced by the simple fact that he leaves abroad? Ordinarily, at the point he told you about the existence of these children, you should have probed more into his life and activities before marrying him. In the first instance would you have been easily persuaded to go ahead with the wedding arrangements if he were based in Nigeria and not abroad?

Under normal circumstances, would you have considered marrying a man who didn’t deem it fit to tell you from the very beginning of the relationship all about his children and the woman, who had them for him? Would you have kept the information from your family members?

Chances are you did because you saw him as a passport outside your immediate environment, a situation he knew too well hence manipulated to suit his purpose.

In the six months you dated, what can you say about him? If called upon by the law or anybody to defend his character can you? Apparently, a lot of things were wrong from the first moment you met to the point you got married. You in particular failed to develop the relationship beyond the euphoria of getting married to a man, who stays abroad hence neglected to look at vital signs of defect in his character.

Were you more observant of the essentials, you would have noticed his womanising inclination from the very first moments you met. Such habits are not something that a man develops suddenly. This type of man would never bother to hide it but you made the choice to ignore this for reasons best known to you.

When he told you about the other woman, did you bother to probe deeply? There is a huge difference between being in love and having a motive for staying on. Yes, most times love does make people act out of character but not to the point of accepting a situation you willingly walked into.

At the point he told you, you should have insisted on talking to the children given the fact they were to become your stepchildren. What sort of relationships were you planning on having with these children, who till that moment were none existent? Common sense ought to have alerted you that a man capable of hoarding information about his children from you is capable of doing anything or springing more surprises on you.

If for nothing else you should have confided in someone close to you to help give you a more objective perception into the whole matter. This is because children aren’t ornaments to be sold off when they lose relevance. Children in any relationship are permanent and deserve acute consideration from anybody coming into to their lives.
Sincerely, six months is too short a time to have trusted someone you don’t know with your life, a man who waited till the very last minute to reveal what he should have told you long since, before you walked down the aisle with him. Your inner alarm as a woman should have made you pause all the arrangements at least until the issue of his matrimonial status as well as proper definition of your relationship with his past is spelt out.

Didn’t it cross your mind that he could be lying about his actual relationship with the other woman? That for him to have kept the knowledge of this woman and her children away from you until very late shows he didn’t want to give you any chance to change your mind?

Whatever his faults may be, you also aided him to have treated you with such callousness.

In your two years of being with him what has changed for you and for him? What is the true status of that woman in his life? Have you been able to meet with the children or spoken with their mother? What efforts is he making to take you to live with him at his base? What is his attitude to you and the issue of lack of child between you two yet? For that matter, what deep and lasting lessons have you learnt from all this? Given the chance to change certain things about this marriage what would you do differently?

Furthermore, have you also quizzed him on why he lied to you about the other woman, why he didn’t tell you about her and the children from the beginning? What do you think were his reasons? Had he told you before then, would you have gone as far as you went with him?

Only a deep and sincere X-ray of all the issues agitating your mind would give light to your challenge as well as tell you where to take your marriage to from where it currently is. Again, when did the baby come, after or before he told you about the first two? Or was it that she was pregnant all the time he was courting and planning a wedding with you?

And what would you miss the most if you decide to leave this man, things you know will be difficult to replace in another relationship?

When it comes to marriage and separation, the choices are never straightforward because a lot of things and emotions are involved in the final decisions. The same complex reasons that made you marry him are also the same reasons nobody can make the decision for you except you make up your mind yourself. This way, you have nobody to blame afterwards but yourself.

Because we are not all perfect, don’t look for perfection where none exists rather, look at manageable alternatives, compromises you can endure and what you cannot put up with at all. If the good outweighs the bad at the end of the day, you may consider staying on but if it’s a matter of total collapse of trust and numerous points of disagreements, be bold enough to make the choice now so that you can be happy at the end of the day.

Whatever you decide on, first seek the face and permission of God for the sake of your posterity.

Good luck.