Dear Agatha,
I must congratulate you for the way you have been tackling problems. I pray for more wisdom for you.
I am 26 years of age. I have a fiancé, who though has come for consultations with my parents, but yet to formalise any marriage rites, both traditional and white wedding with me.
He wants me to move in with him. My parents insist he does everything he is expected to do on me before I go to live with him.
My fiancé isn’t happy at the position of my parents and I am so confused.
Please advise me on what do I do.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
I wonder why you are confused about the position of your parents. Without your parents insisting he does the right thing, shouldn’t you feel insulted that he is asking you to come and live with him while he makes up his mind on whether to marry you or not? Besides, what right does he have to be unhappy with the position of your parents? As a matter of fact, he should cover his face in shame for making such a proposal to you. If he has any respect for your parents, he wouldn’t come with such a proposal.
From your reactions, it is obvious you haven’t done enough to project yourself to this man as a young lady schooled in proper morals whose parents invested time into pointing her at the right direction. If you did, he won’t have the courage to ask you to pack in with him. For him to have said that means you must have given him the impression that you are beyond control, and that you can do whatever you like irrespective of what your parents feel. This is why he is angry at the turn of events.
What will it cost him to pay your bride price? If he feels he is able to cope with a woman under his roof, he should be prepared to meet the responsibilities that go with living with a woman under his roof.
Don’t cheapen your values or bride price by opposing the position of your parents, because only those who know the value of kola-nuts cover it up with leaves. If this man appreciates your essence and importance to him in life, he would never have suggested you come to live with him first before he does anything on you.
Marriage isn’t contracted on credit. Coming to your parents for consultation isn’t the same thing as performing all the marital rites on you. Going to stay with him is a risk because if marriage can go bad, what assurances do you have that he won’t, after a while, get tired of you and pack up the entire process of you two coming together? Where would that leave you?
If you are that valuable to him, he would do everything within his power to ensure he covers your shame of coming to live with him without him paying a dime on you.
Now think, of what use would it be for him to come and pay your bride price since he already has the privilege of your presence in his bed and house? Since he can have the advantage of you free of charge in his life without the legal encumbrance of marriage, do you think he would be in a hurry to do it when he can call it quits at anytime without thinking of the moral and religious pressures connected to divorce?
There is always a flip side to every issue. You may feel so much in love with him and he with you now, but take the time out to think of that tomorrow when the stress of living together gets to you both, and your so perfect mien becomes imperfect. Do you think this man has what it takes to make you a good husband?
Rather than waste precious time on the refusal of your parents to allow you move in with him, why not concentrate more efforts at researching him; investigating his person, attitude as well as general perception of life?
These are more important things to you rather than the issue of you going to live with him. What both of you fail to understand is that what you hope to do now, living with each other, are the things that ever go away in a relationship; the unlimited sex life you hope to achieve by coming to live with each other is one thing you will end up doing until you are tired of it.
But for it to come out right, as a blessing rather than a duty, it is important you give your relationship the right foundation else you will never be happy in the long run.
To better appreciate your parents’ point of view, take a trip into the future, how would you feel if your daughter comes to you that she intends packing in with a man who hasn’t paid her bride price?
Stop acting the confused girl; insist you aren’t prepared to disobey your parents by coming to live with him. That marriage, to you and your family, isn’t meant to be test ran. Make it clear that he is prepared to go into marriage once and for all.
Good luck.
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