Am I too old for her?

Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wonderful salvation you are giving to the relationships of countless people. I wrote you two years ago about a teenager I was in love with and wanted to marry. She was 17 then and I was in my mid 20s. You advised me to wait patiently until she is mature. Now I think she’s mature but it seems she is not ready for me. I’ve offered to train her in school myself and support her in every possible way. But she’s a little bit reluctant. She asked me to wait for additional four years. I can do that for her but my fear is, she might change her mind about me and go for another man. It’s possible she might give a reason that I have become too old for her. How do I make her change her mind. I love her and wish to spend the rest of my life with her. Chinenye. Dear Chinenye, You can force a horse to the river but cannot force it to drink water. Marriage is lot more serious than you are thinking. It is a journey of a lifetime. For it to be enjoyable and not something you endure, it must be contracted with the right kind of person. Yes, you do love this young lady but is she in love with you? Does she share in your desire to spend your lives together? Does she have the passion to get married now? Don’t forget that, like you, she reserves the right to fall in love with the kind of person she wants. If she is refusing you to pay for her schooling, then she knows what she wants from life. She clearly doesn’t want anything that would force her into making a decision she might regret later in life. The truth about life is that not everyone we fall in love with would end up permanently in our lives. She wants the freedom to make her decision when the time comes for her to think of settling down. If for nothing else, give her credit and respect. If she is asking for four years, it is simply because she wants to be more definite about many things in life. Don’t force her into a situation both of you will never enjoy at the end of the day. It is always best not to venture into a marriage than go into one that would leave a very bitter taste in one’s mouth. This young lady may not have the kind of answer you want from her now but, she has the depth of character to stick to whatever promise she makes. To understand her kind of person better, why not talk to her first as person rather than the woman you want to marry? Get to know her kind of person, her dreams, her plans for herself as well as the time she needs to get to that point of being ready to share her space and life with a man. While at it, ask her who her ideal man is? There is no way you can measure your relevance or a future between the two of you without first knowing if you come close to the kind of man she wants in her life. Hearing from her would help you answer all the important questions of whether or not she will want you around her in the four years she has given you. Most times, we don’t get our answers from what a person is saying but from the signals the body is transmitting. If you are observant and deep, you will know from what she isn’t saying what her real answers are. But beyond your desire to marry her, it is important you first become a good friend to her. By doing this, you are giving her as well as yourself the chance to know each other, put your feelings for her to test as well as taking your dreams a step further. It will also give her a chance of appreciating the age differences. There is the likelihood that the almost a decade differences in your ages is what is frightening her. By being friends with her, you make it easy for her to correctly assess your person, attitude as well as outlook to life generally. You must appreciate that at her age of 19, being in your mid 20s can really sound ancient. This is because she is just emerging into a young adult; that she is at that time of her life when like a young butterfly, freedom means so much. Not every woman wants to exchange the nest of her family for that of her husband very soon. She wants to experience, like most young women of her age, the thrills of being young. Certainly, you cannot take that away from her. If she perceives you to be understanding of this stage of her life, as well as understand your willingness to let her grow at her own pace, she might really come to see you differently; a friend, she can depend on anytime. Let the decision to marry you come also from her heart. It is the only way it can last. if you can wait, do so but if not, it only means that both of you aren’t meant to be. Good luck.

My stepson hates me

Dear Agatha, I got married to my second husband two years ago. His first wife left him to marry another man. According to my husband, she hasn’t looked back since she left almost a decade ago, not even to visit the children. They have three children; her last-born was barely a year when she left. Aware of the complexity of marriage, I tried to find out from his friends and family members what the real issues were in his former marriage to warrant the woman packing out and leaving her very young child. Everybody including the lady’s cousins place the blame squarely on her shoulders. Nevertheless, I refrained from passing any judgment because I also didn’t come with a clean record. My own first marriage collapsed. My second husband came at the point I was almost giving up hope of getting married again 12 years after. Right from the first day he brought me home to meet with the children; his eldest son didn’t hide his dislike for me. The others, after the first few weeks, opened up to me. But nothing I do or say makes an impression on him. Before he left for school, I tried all I could to make him my friend but he rebuffed me and actually told me once to stay out of his way. To think my last born is a year older than he is, got me very angry and I would have given him a piece of my mind if my mother-in-law didn’t come in at the time she did to visit us. I was too angry to conceal the situation I was contending with from her, so I had no choice but to tell her the incident that took place minutes before she came. She instantly sent for the boy only to be told by him that he had no wish to be disturbed by her or anybody. Since she was staying the night, she eventually was able to talk to him as well as her son. Although my husband was angry with the son, he told me when we were alone that I should appreciate that the boy is still very young and yet to understand so many things happening in his life. I wanted to point out that the boy in question is 17 but I kept mute. Having learnt that life is governed by patience and tolerance, I left everything I was doing late last year to visit him in school. I went with his siblings but to my acute embarrassment, he didn’t even acknowledge my presence; not even when his brother and sister were dragging him to come and greet me. He told them to leave him alone and walked away. From where I stood beside the car, I could sense the confusion on the faces of the children. They were torn between going after him and coming to me. I had to wave them to follow him while I sat in the car too angry and hurt to do anything but to call their father. By the time the other two came, I had made up my mind about him. I was never going to go out of my way to be nice to him. When we got home, I told my husband of my decision. He wanted to appeal but one look at my face made him change his mind. Given the over indulgence of their father in all the years he was alone with them; he took care of them himself; this young man is totally lacking in respect for anybody including his father whom he talks to anyhow. The main reason I am writing has to do with the behaviour he put up in the presence of my children when they came to visit. We were all watching a particular programme when he came in. He didn’t even bother to greet me or acknowledge the greetings of my children instead he changed the channel to what he wanted to watch, sat down without so much as offering apologies to anybody. When his brother complained, he ordered him out of the living room. My children were livid with anger but I calmed them down insisting it was no business of theirs. I am fed up of the whole thing. Whenever he is around, it is always one problem or the other between the father and I. I think he does most of the things deliberately, to provoke me to leave his father. Please help me understand what I should do because I can’t take it anymore. Rosemary. Dear Rosemary, Every marriage comes with its garbage. The secret to overcoming these kinds of messy situations is to be patient. His days in that house are numbered. Besides, don’t see his behaviour as being targeted at you. The truth is he is fighting the system that made his mother leave his father at the age he needed her most and for not making her look backwards to visit them. He is lashing out at anything and everything he didn’t have as a child. Until he comes to the realisation that marriage is a complicated and intricate weave, which can go apart at the slightest tug. His own experiences later in life will teach him so many things he doesn’t understand now. Until he gets to that juncture in life when he will be forced to reevaluate his opinions about so many things, learn to ignore him after all, if you were his mother, you won’t throw him away instead you will continue to pray for him to change. He must have been young when his mother left him and by virtue of his position as the eldest, had dominated the household until you came into the scene. Granted his father may have over-indulged them but there is little he can do given the circumstances he finds himself in. Apart from dealing with his disappointment as a human being, he also had the added responsibility of parenting children that were so young. It couldn’t have been easy for him managing his own emotions with that of tending for his children. Overtime he must have come to depend on his first son to care for the younger ones in his absence. In his shoes, such freedom for such a young person could intoxicate. Freedom is such a funny thing; when given without strings of responsibilities, it could be destructive. This young man had all the freedom in the world to do and undo; asking him by your mere presence in his father’s life and home to give it up is bound to elicit this kind of reaction he is putting up. Having tried to win him over to no avail, rather than let him get under your skin to the extent of taking it out of his father, ignore him completely. Whenever he is around, pretend he doesn’t even exist at all. Talk through him even when he is there by sending his younger ones to inform him of where his food is or whatever message you want to pass across. Nothing hurts like being treated as if one is completely invisible. From my experience as a child, it hurts more than the anger of my mother who was an expert at applying the invisible approach in beating back into line. Whenever he is watching a particular programme, change the channel without even a glance his way. When he makes an angry response, laugh as if enjoying the programme on the television. Don’t give in to anger especially in his presence; it will teach him to ask for permission also before changing channels too. To avoid unnecessary tension between you and your husband, brief him on what you intend to do so that when he goes to his father with the report, he won’t do anything to upset or embarrass you in the presence of his son. On your own, begin to pray for him. He is really bitter at all that is happening to him. No matter how you look at it, life hasn’t been fair to this young man. The other two are not as affected because they can’t remember what their mother looked like. To them, it has always been just them and their father. Therefore having you is a thing of joy for them. You are the first mother they know unlike him that knew what it was like to have a mother from the beginning. He will eventually thaw but it will take a lot of patience and sincere love to bring out the angel in this young man who is also battling young adulthood. Good luck