Dear Agatha,
I am a young man of 28 years of age. I have just graduated from the University and currently working temporarily with a company at Awka while waiting for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) call up letter.
My problem is that in all the relationships I have had, I have found myself going out of the way to make the girls happy. I have never tried having sex with any of them or benefited from them in anyway. My question now is, since I am not the type that demands for sex, what is the essence of a relationship. This particular issue has started creating a cold spirit in me about women.
Secondly, is it wise for me at my age to start searching for a life-partner or a relationship, which could lead to marriage despite the fact that I am just starting out in life, and that my three elder brothers are yet to marry? Please I need your help and advice.
Ugo.
Dear Ugo,
As one reaches the age of maturity, it becomes imperative for one to have a relationship, to have that special person to share one’s life with.
A lot of things are tied to having the right kind of relationship. It doesn’t begin and end with being able to have free sex, but goes beyond that. Relationship threads all the complex issues of one’s life together as well as giving a definite pattern to life.
In addition, it brings into being the missing link in one’s life. From the beginning, God created man and woman to be a pair. After a certain age, life becomes a drab, struggle without the missing pair.
It also provides the man especially the needed opportunity to learn and acquire management skill. Any man who is able to effectively manage a home, the temperament of his wife, blend the different interests of his wife and children to have a harmonious home, sensitive to the moods and rights of his family and considerate as well as humane, often than not makes a wonderful manager.
A man who is not able to achieve a harmony in his private life in most cases cannot make a success of any responsibility entrusted him.
The patience, selflessness, humility as well as the accommodative nature of relationships has also taught some men and women who would have otherwise been bad managers to be good managers.
However, all these can only happen if blessed with the right partner, as a bad partner can derail one’s dreams forever.
To avoid getting into the wrong relationship, you must know before going into it what you want from life itself. What you want from life would invariably influence your choice of a woman. If you lack a clear focus of what you want from life, chances of you knowing the type of woman to help you with its implementation would be so difficult.
So, before you go into a relationship, first think of what you want out of life. What are your plans? What sort of home do you want? How many children do you want? What sort of marriage do you want and what sort of woman do you think can help you achieve? And what is important to you in a woman, her physical beauty or inner qualities?
Beware you don’t make the mistake of concentrating all your attention on the woman’s physical endowment only because beauty alone cannot make relationship work. It takes more than beauty to achieve your aim in marriage. A beautiful woman without manners, patience, lacking in respect, would make it impossible for you to achieve what you set out to in a marriage.
She has to be more than a wife. She must be your best friend, your cheer leader, spiritually as well as physically, she must be understanding, caring and very respectful to make your marriage or relationship a happy one.
At 28, you are not too young to begin planning for your life. Marriage remains one of the most important institutions in life, the only one, which from birth is mandatory for us all to go into. Right from the labour room, the expectation of the society for the new baby is to be able to continue the legacy that brought him or her to life.
However, it is unfortunate that despite all these expectations, many still find themselves very unprepared for marriage. Marriages are failing due to this. Many people think it is as simple as saying “I do” to the man or woman after their hearts. Unfortunately, it takes much more than that to make a marriage work. It takes, more often than not, determination to overlook all the attendant shortcomings that come with it to keep it going.
Such ironclad determination comes from a deep knowledge that marriage isn’t a bed of roses, which in turn comes from studying and learning from the experiences of others. It also comes from having a courtship where real issues are put on the front burners.
There is nothing stopping you from going into a relationship now, provided you and your partner have the perfect understanding of all the issues at stake. Once she knows that marriage isn’t an immediate thing on your agenda, has the faith and loyalty to help you achieve some stability needed before marriage can happen between you, you have nothing to fear.
Besides, it would afford both of you the opportunity to study each other, fine-tune some of your behaviours as well as build the proper foundation to peg your relationship.
That your elder brothers are still single doesn’t mean you have to wait for them to be married before you fulfill your own destiny.
What happens if they decide not to marry in the next 10 years? Wait for them all your life? Marriage is a personal choice. They may have their reasons for not getting married and would be unfair for anybody to expect you to peg your happiness on their own. Once you think you are ready, don’t hesitate. Being older than you doesn’t mean damping your happiness to make them happy.
Good luck.
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