My son won’t take the girl I want for him…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband left my children and I when they were still very young. He left us to marry his former girlfriend, the one he left to marry me. From that point, my children, two girls and a boy, have been on our own. It was very tough, but God saw us through. My son, the second child of the family always wanted to be a medical doctor. I practically sold all my gold to assist with his dreams. Fortunately, he got a scholarship from his father’s elder brother in his second year in medical school. This man paid for everything including his books, cloths and other allowances. Now he is married, but I don’t like the woman he is married to. They met while he was in medical school. From the very first day he brought her home, I have resisted his choice but he ignored me to marry her. I simply don’t like her person at all. She has never been rude to me, but I dislike her with a passion. I would have felt more comfortable if he had married the daughter of my best friend, the woman who stood by me during my difficult times. We had this arrangement between us that her last daughter and my son will end up marrying each other. His refusal to marry her has caused a big gap in our relationship. There is nothing I haven’t done to separate both of them. Now she has become so rude to me to the extent that when I go to their house, she doesn’t bother to entertain me except to cook my meals, her children too don’t play with me as they used to, making it obvious that their mother has been telling them about me. I have tried talking to my son to let her go and give me the joy of having my friend’s child as my daughter-in-law but he won’t hear of it. Besides as my only son, I want him to marry more than a wife so that I can have more grandchildren through him. After all, his father left me to marry the one he dated before meeting me. I suffered to bring them up. It wasn’t easy for me but this woman he calls his wife isn’t making him to listen to my wishes. Please help me. I don’t know what to do to win back my son’s listening hears. His wife is evil. Ayoka. Dear Ayoka, Allow your son and his wife to be. From all you have said, you appear to be the issue in this marriage since you failed to say what she has done to you precisely. If she isn’t going out of her way to be friendly with you, you asked for it through your attitude towards her. In her shoes, would you subject yourself to the horrors of being in the company of a person who doesn’t like you? That she is going out of her way to cook your meals, provide what you need shows that she isn’t a rude woman, just one who is avoiding a nasty situation. She isn’t to blame if your son failed to honour whatever promises you and your friend made to each other. If your son didn’t approach her for a relationship, she would never have ended up as his wife. She ended up as your daughter-in-law because your son found something very special and precious in her. Not many young women would put up with your kind of attitude towards her without her coming out smoking against you. If she is influencing her husband not to yield to you, she is not doing anything out of the ordinary. Every woman must take measure to protect her territory, which is what she is doing in her own way. The fact that you had issues with the father of your children, doesn’t mean your son and his wife must suffer the same thing you suffered. Your husband left you and the children for reasons best known to him just as your son is determined to stay in his marriage to his wife. For whatever reason, you are not being fair to your son and his wife. As a mother how would you feel if the mothers of the men that married your daughters are making life as difficult as you are brewing for another woman’s daughter? How would you feel if your sons-in-law decide to dump your daughters and marry other women? Come to think of it, how did you feel when your husband left you for his ex? It is an act of undiluted cruelty to wish the same fate that befell you on your daughter-in-law. Is marrying your son such a crime? Is happiness forbidden to your son simply because you didn’t enjoy your marriage? The choice to stay on to look after them was one you willingly decided to take. Back then, you had the option of leaving the children for your ex-husband to care for. After all, if his elder brother took on the responsibility of training your son through medical school, it shows that there was no draught of capable persons in that family. If you persist in your attitude, you will end up losing this son. Remember, he is now a man of his own and educated enough to realise the harm of marrying more than one wife. Your daughter-in-law is very responsible, that is why she hasn’t bothered to confront you. And if she does, you would only have yourself to blame because even your son will not support you. It is also important you change your attitude towards this woman for the sake of your latter years. A time would come when you would want and court the company of your grandchildren, these ones may not want to have anything to do with you again. If at this stage of your life, they are beginning to show indifference to your person, you can imagine the kind of relationship that awaits you when you are older than you are now? Chances are their mother may not have put them to it. You and I know how children pick up negative signals with ease. Children these days are especially sensitive to things done to their mother. Their reaction is a way of communicating their displeasure over your attitude to their mother. They are just as capable of going a step further to confront you if they think it is necessary. If you don’t like her at all, stop going to their house. This way you will save yourself the hassles of seeing her. But what will you lose by being nice to her? From what you wrote, you do stand a better chance of gaining more from being nice to your son and his wife than fighting them. Whatever she may have done, would you act like this if she were your daughter? As a woman and mother, you must learn the act of forgiveness. Whatever mistake or something your son and his wife may have done to you, let go. The beauty of being old is the wisdom it gives us to manage our affairs better. If you are truthful, you will know that what you are doing or planning for your son is wrong. But you are pushing on out of your own buried pains and hurt when his father left you with three children. Although you didn’t say it, but deep down you are determined that no woman in the life of your son escapes the kind of pains you passed through. Even if he had married the daughter of your friend, with your kind of pent up anger, you still would have found reasons to complain. There won’t be peace in your life and son’s home until you change your mind and attitude towards life generally. To do this right, there is the need for you to take that essential trip back into time, go back to your own marriage. Ask yourself that question you have been unable to ask all these years. Why did he leave you? This question holds the key to your peace of mind. That your children turned out successful has answered the question of your suitability as a good mother. Doubtless, only a good mother can make the kind of sacrifices you made for your children. But to make your happiness complete, bury all the disappointments of your failed marriage. Your daughter-in-law and children are innocent of what their father did to you. Even if this woman is making a mistake, your place is to help and correct her. If God had wanted your choice of a wife for your son, nobody would be able to stop it, therefore allow this couple to be happy. The best revenge in life is to succeed and be happy. Whatever reasons your ex may have had in abandoning you and the children, don’t give him the last laugh by being a grouch. Even if it weren’t the reason he left you, he would eventually tell the children that he left when he couldn’t take anymore of your attitude. Even if it was his reason, disappoint him by changing for the better. Good luck.