Before I Go Deep With My Landlord's Daughter…

Dear Agatha, 

I must extend my commendations to you for the good work. Keep it up and may the good God grant you more wisdom.

I got a job some couples of months ago away from home in one of the biggest firms in Nigeria. I rented an apartment in an estate and my landlord lives in the same compound with me. He has a beautiful unmarried daughter. I must confess I admire her a lot. She has this homely nature and behaves like a mother. 

I didn’t plan to have any relationship with her at the outset due to the fact that I am a tenant in her father’s house. She observed that I had no girlfriend, because she sees me doing the cooking, laundry and dish washing all alone. And on several occasions she volunteered to assist me with these things but I objected. I travelled out of town for an official assignment last month; she called to say she was missing me. I also told her I was missing her.

When I came back, from the look on her face, I sensed she has fallen in love with me. Therefore I wasn’t surprised when she told me she was in love with me. She professed her love for me and we started dating. Two weeks ago we had our first kiss, so intimate that I had to warn her of the implications if we fail to control ourselves especially as close neighbours.  

We kiss almost every day and caressing is becoming so intense that most times I lost control only to have her break the mood. Something keeps telling me that if we continue this way, there is trouble knocking at the door.

Please, I need your advice. Should I quit this relationship? What if the parents perceive we are dating, what happens afterward?  I’m in my mid 20s and need to settle down probably next year. I don’t want to experience heartbreak or even hurt someone. 

Gold.

Dear Gold, 

There is nothing wrong in dating this girl provided your intentions towards her are honourable. Problem would only come if all your interest were to sleep with her and leave. 

Like every parents interested in the welfare of their daughter, her parents will definitely want to know what your plans for her are. Until they know what your plans are, they may not give their support to the relationship and could lead to you leaving the house to protect the dignity of their daughter as well as protect their own image. 

Because of the delicate nature of your situation, you must be very clear on what you want from this girl. Are you into this relationship with her because you really want to or for the simple reason she declared her true feelings for you? Are you certain you aren’t capitalising on her declaration to have this affair with her? Would you have on your own considered dating her without this prompting from her?

Deep down do you think she has those extra special qualities you need in a woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with? Can you say with categorical confidence that she fits in more than one ways into the image of your ideal woman? Does she give you the kind of happiness and peace you have never experienced? Can she make you laugh even when all you feel like is to remain angry? Do you think she can give the right kind of support to succeed? Importantly, how much respect and trust do you have for her?

Honest answers to these questions would not only reveal your true feelings for her, but also help prepare you on how to handle her parents when they find out. If your feelings for her are deep enough, there is no reason you should be afraid of her parents knowing especially as you are contemplating settling down next year. 

The major issue here is for you to be sure of what you want, that thing you desire most in a woman. Once you are sure she has it, are confident that whatever life throws at both of you, you will always be able to overcome, and then there is really nothing to stop you from having a personal discussion with her before agreeing on when to see her parents officially.  

It is important you make haste in whatever decision you want to take on this matter to avoid the attendant scandal likely to follow should her parents find out first. If your decision is not to take the relationship further, be honest with her and let her know you aren’t ready yet, so that both of you can end the relationship before it becomes a major emotional disaster. 

Whatever happens, be prepared to relocate from the house to earn your freedom from her parents as well as to be in charge of your own life. There is no way you can stay there and be in charge of your life whether or not you and the lady agree to marry or end the relationship, because she remains your landlord’s daughter.

Good luck.

Unemployment Stands Between Marriage And Me

Dear Agatha, 

I am a full-grown man desirous of getting married but the global meltdown has been hampering me.

I had a relationship when I was in the university, but unfortunately we broke up and parted ways after we had a misunderstanding.

As far as I know, she is a very nice girl. My mind still desires her now for marriage. We talk on phone and even see once in a while.

Last week, I made my decision clear to her for marriage after she told me she desired to be married since she isn’t getting any younger.

Though, I made my heart-felt and sincere proposal to her, but owing to unemployment, I can’t make it as quickly as she may need it.

Please, tell me what to do so that I will not miss her in marriage.

Abdulaziz.

Dear Abdulaziz, 

Trust and sincerity are the two things you both need here. She has to trust you won’t disappoint her and you have to be sincere with her at all times. 

When a woman gets to a certain age and is unmarried, even if she doesn’t want to admit it openly, she begins to nurse this involuntary fear about her life; about her viability as a woman as well as the essence of her time. With each day that passes, her anxieties are heightened because time waits for no one; especially a woman whose biological clock ages every second. The fear that her time keeps depreciating at the end of every of her monthly cycle makes her desperate to settle down and deaf to the reasons of her heart.

Time isn’t the only conspiracy; her family, friends, peers and society are all part of this finely woven web of conspiracy that leaves her drained and unable to listen to the rhythm of her heart. It is usually tougher on the woman because she is the one Mother Nature has put limitations on; whose reproductive organ expires after a certain age. 

Given this scenario, she may not be willing to listen to whatever reasons you have against marrying her now; especially as there are numerous examples of men who jilted the women in their lives after making them wait endlessly for them to be ready. 

You may lose this woman to her own entrenched fears of the uncertainty of tomorrow unless of course you both sit down to discuss the essentials of your situations. 

This is what marriage is made up of, being able to find workable ways around a particularly knotty issue. 

It is not just enough to blame your inability to marry on the economic situation because if the truth be told; there are no signs that it would abate anytime too soon. It is only someone who isn’t serious that would put everything on hold until the economic situation improves. Major decisions still have to be taken. People are still getting married and new babies are daily being born to even very indigent families. There is no way everything can be in place before you marry especially if you are not born with a sliver spoon or come from the new league of millionaires. 

The reality of the situation is for both of you to look at what you both can pull together; that is if you are really sure you want this lady sufficiently in your life. This would determine the amount of dedication, drive you put into the whole process of making her choice. To be frank, if you don’t make the efforts, you may end up losing her to any man who comes her way now; it may not be as a result of love but to appease the fears which are daily growing inside of her. This is where sincerity comes into play especially on your part. What kind of business or employment are you currently engaged in?

This is a fact you must present to her; to convince her that you are not hiding anything from her and that you are sincere with her. Give her the chance of contributing to it, hear the options as well as ideas she has. By the time you discuss options available to both of you, you will have a decision that will please both of you and which ultimately would give her the assurances she needs and also instigate commitment from her whether the marriage takes place now or later.

Involving her is a way of preventing her from disclaiming you or your reasons. Once she is part of the entire process, knows and understands all the issues involved in your decision, having the confidence and trust to help push you closer to a near perfect situation won’t be so difficult for her.

In addition, your talks would resolve the riddle of ‘when’. The way you have presented the issue, the ‘when’ is abstract; it has no definite date of expiration. Your discussions will at least give her a clearer picture of how long she has to wait for you to be ready to walk her down the aisle. She isn’t comfortable with your decisions now because you have left it open-ended and for a woman who is desirous of marriage, it is as good as not having commitment from her man. It is one thing to be interested in marrying a woman; it is another thing to want to marry her but your discussion with her will tell her if you indeed want to.

Good luck. 

She Dates My Boss, Eyeing My Brother For Altar…

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve this rather difficult situation I have found myself. It concerns my brother and the woman he intends to marry. 

Around April last year, I met this lady through my boss who happens to be her boyfriend. Being the secretary, there is seldom anything happening in his life that I am not aware of. He is one of those bosses that are honest, responsible, respectful and very opened. Like every man, he has a weakness for the wild ladies, and do from time to time indulge in wild romances even in the office.

He tells me almost everything happening in his life. I know for sure from what he tells me about this lady that he has no intention of marrying her kind; that he only intends her to warm up his bed whenever he wants the service.

I have severally caught them in very intimate positions in my boss’ office and one of his very regulars. I didn’t consider her my business until she showed up as my brother’s much talked about fiancée.

My elder brother, five years older, is one of the nicest persons I know. His girlfriend of eight years about two years ago walked out on him to marry his best friend. It was a very devastating experience for him. At first, he vowed never to remarry, but with the support of our parents and his other friends overcame the disappointment. 

You can therefore imagine the joy of the family when he announced to everyone this fantastic lady he met and with whom he intends settling down. He didn’t get to bring the lady to the house until three weeks ago when I discovered to my dismay that she was the same lady whom the day before spent the night at my boss’ house. I am aware of this because he begged me to bring some letters he forgot to sign to his house. Because I had to go for my personal errands, see my own boyfriend coupled with the fact that the letters weren’t something that I had to dispatch that day, so I got to his house at about 6p.m. I met her in my boss’ T-shirt, suggesting she was there to stay. 

My boss insisted my boyfriend and I spent time with him. We left at about 9p.m. as a result of the league match both of them were very passionate about. 

Seeing her as the woman my brother intends spending the rest of his life with almost gave me a cardiac arrest. My brother and parents must have noticed my disposition because they kept asking me if everything was okay with me. I have to invent a headache I didn’t have to escape into my room. My boyfriend who came in later also didn’t know what to make of the whole development. 

What really worries me is her attitude. She not only pretended seeing me for the first time, but also stayed cool all through. It wasn’t until the following day in the office she came to plead with me to let her be. That she was with my boss for the fun, but want my brother for a husband. She promised to be of good behaviour once she marries my brother. 

Since then I haven’t seen her in the office, but when I asked my boss about her, he told me she said she didn’t want to come to the office anymore; that she now preferred seeing him at home.

Agatha, I haven’t told either my parents or brother yet. He is my only brother and sibling, which make us very close. Our parents married very late. I don’t know how he would react given the kind of disappointment he suffered two years ago. 

My boyfriend insists I say something before my brother makes the mistake of marrying this girl. Last week I told my best friend who is also of the opinion I tell my brother. 

My fear is not telling him, but his reactions to the news. I can’t withstand seeing him in the condition I saw him the last time his girlfriend walked away from him. 

What should I do? I feel so helpless. Do I challenge the lady or go straight to my brother? My friend says I should also tell my boss about her. Do I?

Ibidun.

Dear Ibidun, 

Which would be tolerable for him; to know now that the woman he plans to marry isn’t who she claims to be or to find out after marriage that he has married the wrong woman? 

Chances are he would never forgive you for knowing the kind of person she is and not saying anything about it. Sincerely you would have achieved nothing at the end of the day because he would eventually find out about her. 

What you are doing now is simply to postpone your brother’s doomsday to a time it would not be easy for him to quit without complications. 

He may not receive the news well now, but would at the end of the day come to appreciate your interventions. As his sister, it is your responsibility to watch out for his interest, provided your intentions are not malicious, intended to secure his happiness in life, don’t feel guilty at being the harbinger of this piece of news. You need to protect him from himself before it is too late.

You can only feel guilty if you are lying about what you know. As long as you are sure of your facts, don’t be afraid to tell your brother about her. 

Who your boss is dating isn’t any business of yours, but whomever your brother involves with and marries is your business. If you don’t know how to tell your brother, tell your parents first. Your father being a man and one that has seen it all would know how to tell his son about the nature of women. He too must have had one or two experiences to share with him; encounters that will help your brother come to the realisation that whatever challenges he is going through in the hands of the women in his life are meant to prepare him for the right kind of woman. 

He is most likely to listen more to your father than your mother whom he would see at this painful time in his life as a woman. But coming from your father, a man like him, one understands how it feels to be rejected, betrayed and made a fool by a woman, he would eventually get over it and bounce back to listen to well meaningful advice from you and your mother. 

It is also essential you encourage your boyfriend to be closer to him; keep him company to ensure he doesn’t capitulate to temptations that follow this kind of disappointments. 

Like you fear, this incident will certainly dig up the ghost of his first disappointment, but having the right kind of support will help him overcome. 

As his only sister, your job doesn’t stop at just telling him about this girl, it goes beyond that. Why do you think your brother is falling into the hands of the wrong kinds of women? Do you detect a similarity in all the women he has dated so far? If yes, what are these similarities? Use this information to help point him at the recurring mistakes he has been making with women generally. If all the women have the same outwards qualities, perhaps he should look at the one different from all other women he has dated. 

Chances are that he dates this lady because she may look like his former girlfriend physically or has same characteristics with his ex. Having dated his ex-girl for eight years, he could have unconsciously searched for a woman with her kind of personality to replace her. Deep down, he wants a woman like his ex in his life. 

To help your brother overcome this, encourage him to begin his relationships from pure friendship. This would afford him the opportunity of getting to know the woman for who she is and not for want he wants her to be. Chances are he didn’t bother to look deeply before bringing this one home. He wanted to see his ex in her and unwittingly fixed her into the image of his ex without making efforts to know whom she is. 

Always stand in gap for him by praying for his success. He really needs all the help he can get to ward off disappointments in his life. Sometimes things we take for granted may be warning signs from God that we need to draw closer to Him in prayers. If you are wise, begin now to secure your own marriage in prayers to prevent you too from late marriage and several disappointments. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column. Thanks for the life changing advice you have been giving to people. Truly, you are God sent. I am a girl of 21years, an undergraduate, dark in complexion, tall and easy going, need a responsible man for a serious relationship. An interested man can contact me through this number, 07039888697. e-mail Ngbaby4zubby@yahoo.com

My Marriage Is Threatened Over A 20-year-old Secret

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve an impending crisis that is staring my marriage in the face. Years ago, while in school, I got pregnant and due to the insistence of my parents, had the baby. But my mother later took pity on me and agreed to raise the child. Till date, my son stays with my parents and regards them as his biological parents instead of his grandparents.

Nobody has bothered to explain to him that I am his mother due to my insistence that things be kept the way they are. He sees me as his elder sister. 

I didn’t also bother to educate my husband when I met him. He, like others, assumed my son was my younger brother. We are blessed with three children of our own. Once when my parents called me to discuss the issue of me telling my son myself that I am his real mother, as well as inform my husband-to-be that I have a child shortly before my wedding, I pleaded with them to let things be for a while. I told them I needed time to think.

My son is now 20. He comes to my house to spend his holidays at the insistence of my parents. My parents are getting very advanced in age and are determined to settle this issue before they die. My mother is afraid that if she isn’t around to help the boy get over the shock of knowing he is their grandchild, he may never be able to forgive me. She is fearful the information may affect him negatively. She is also very apprehensive of the implication of this information on my marriage. 

She wants the whole thing settled before her death. She has actually given me a deadline of March ending to either tell my husband or she does it for me. 

Knowing my husband, the way I do, I doubt if he will ever forgive me because he is a very difficult man. I fear my marriage will not survive this. I have tried persuading my mother to let things be since nothing would be achieved by the truth coming out now. The boy thinks I am his sister, a situation I am comfortable with. I don’t want anything to happen to my marriage and children. Please help because right now I don’t know what to do.

Christy.

Dear Christy, 

Ask yourself this question, are you being fair to your first son and child? Doesn’t he have the same rights these other children have over your time, affection and considerations?

Was it his fault that you and his father slept together when you were least prepared for the challenges of having him? Why would you persist on parading your son as your brother? 

No matter the consequences of the truth coming out, it is high time you began to take responsibility of your actions and play your role in the life of this young man by confronting the shadows of your past. 

Your parents are right. They have the influence to water down considerably the negative effect of the truth coming out this late. 

Don’t think the truth will not come out someday. Your parents are the reason nobody in the family is saying anything and have continued to accept the boy as being part of the family. Sooner or later, someone would want to set the records straight, especially if the boy steps out of line. Don’t push your luck too far. Besides, there are others outside your family members, friends and colleagues who are also in the know. 

It would spell greater doom for you if your husband gets to find out from other sources about your child. If you think him difficult, wait until he finds out from people outside, then you will know what difficult means. 

Has it ever occurred to you that the father of this boy would one day walk back into your life to demand for his son? What would be your story then? How would you handle a child you haven’t even told the basic truth about his maternity, much less of his paternity? 

Not matter how difficult he is, the fact that you have spent some years together, built a joint history and have children together, are enough to make him want to listen to you later. Yes, like everyone whose spouse kept such a fundamental information from, he will initially get angry, betrayed, embarrassed and disappointed at what you did, but these feelings will eventually go away unless of course his years with you are bereft of any worthy memory. 

You have made a costly mistake once, denying your son by pretending he is your brother. Don’t make the mistake that would completely destroy everything for you. No matter how well mannered a child he is, the fact that you could look him in the eye all these years and address him as your brother, rather than a son, is enough to make this child reject you as a mother for life. 

You may think it doesn’t matter now and that things should be left as they are but you will later realise that it matters a whole lot. Apart from being your first son, he happens to be your first child, the leader of the team. No sensible mother divides her children; the consequences of having divided children are usually more fatal on the woman than the man. The reason being, a man isn’t the one blessed with the task of moulding the family. Your parents may have acted in gap for you all these years but they are not his parents. He remains your primary responsibility. You must establish a relationship with him that will see you playing a dependable role in his life as your parents are doing for you now. It would be a great disaster if after the deaths of your parents, this boy replaces you in his life with another person to act the role of his mother. You may not feel it now because you are young but when the age piles up, you will need the comfort of all your children.

Even if the choice is between your home and child, stand up for this boy for once. Stop rejecting him; give him the chance of knowing his siblings as his brothers and sisters and not as nephews or nieces. You have been very unfair to this young man.

Before telling your husband, invite your son to your parents and gently break the news to him. On your knees beg this young man for forgiveness. This is not the time to play mother but a naughty adult who needs forgiveness of an innocent soul.

Explain everything from the moment you met his father to the point your parents took him over and how each time you stopped out of fear to tell him the truth. Allow your parents take over the discussion from there. With all of you around, he will eventually come to terms with it.

Thereafter, get your husband’s closest confidant and open up to him or her. With the help of this friend, begin by begging for forgiveness. Tell him if he breaks up the marriage on account of what you are about to divulge you will understand but that you are appealing for understanding from the heart you love with everything inside of you. Also, blame your not informing him earlier on fear of losing him. These preambles are to prepare him for the very worse situation and also to help him cope with the shock of your news. 

It will for a while affect your relationship with your husband; when he gets snappy, irritated, understand he is going through a process and that with time, everything will return to normal. But the one thing you should never expect is an instant miracle from either your son or husband. Take each day as it comes.

But before you do this, commit the whole situation to the hands of God in whom we rest our destinies. Beg for forgiveness and tell Him to personally talk to your husband.

Good luck.

She Can’t Cook, Bad Home Manager, Lives On Pills To Be Childfree…

Dear Agatha,

What is the use of having a woman who doesn’t know how to cook my food properly? It is so bad that if I don’t go out, I give my mother or sisters money to make my food. I have tried to make her change but she is very adamant, preferring to do what she likes. 

She goes to fast food joints to buy food, garnish it for me to eat. Because I have stopped complaining as well as attempts to make her learn, she has started accusing me of having girlfriends. This prompted her to come to my office to disgrace one of my female colleagues she thought I was dating. But for the benevolence of my boss who has natural likeness and respect for me, I would have been sacked. He covered up the whole incident. Also my female colleague is a very matured mind, didn’t take offence at all. 

The same cannot be said of my neighbour she accused of trying to break her home. It was a real show of shame as this woman descended on my wife and gave her the beating of a lifetime. It became a Police matter prompting the landlord to give me quit notice.

I have complained to her parents who have severally tried to talk sense into her head. The father, a very forthright man, right in my presence heaped the entire blame on my mother-in-law that he indicted for not teaching her daughters the right things to do as a woman.

He has kept pleading with me to be patient and even suggested she goes for some cooking lessons. 

There are several things in the house she doesn’t know how to do. It is just that I have decided, for the sake of peace, to ignore these things. I have also deliberately kept my family out of this, because I know what my mother is capable of, if given the free reign, to interfere. 

But at every point, I kept meeting with disappointment. We have been married for two years with no child. One would have expected her to be the anxious one, but she isn’t. And because I didn’t want to get her worried I refused to dwell on the matter only for me to discover that my wife who should be worried is actually on birth control pills. When I discovered the pills where she hid them on the side of her wardrobe when I was looking for a wrapper to cover her up during the fight with my neighbour, she didn’t deny it, insisting she wasn’t ready to be a mother now. Shouldn’t I be informed over such an important matter? This has really shattered me and as well make me doubt her motive for marrying me. Would a woman in love with her husband be this callous and adamant?

Agatha, I don’t know what to make of all these. I am nearing my wits exhaustion in this marriage. I really don’t know if I still love her or not. 

Please help me because right now I feel like ending it all. Because of her peace seems to have deserted me completely. I don’t want to die before my time.

Gabriel.

Dear Gabriel, 

It is high time both of you sat down to talk, as husband and wife. One thing is for a woman not to know how to cook, another thing is for her not to want a child. 

You must know what her reasons are. At this point, the issues have gone beyond you quarrelling with her to you finding out what her reasons really are. It is obvious there are some very fundamental issues in this marriage both of you either neglected to discuss before you tied nuptials or glossed over. 

Had both of you discussed the issue of when to start a family, the decision wouldn’t have been hers to make alone. If you didn’t discuss it, don’t take offence, just allow the past be and thoroughly thrash out the issue once and for all. Because the issue of marriage is a very delicate one, one that needs all the patience and wisdom in the world to handle, don’t allow what she did to affect you in such a way that forgiveness would be difficult for you to offer her. There is no arguing the fact that her conduct digs up the issue of trust and love, but you must learn at this nascent stage that for any marriage to work, the issue of who is wrong and right must never be allowed to creep in. If you insist on seeing her as the one wrong in this matter and you, right, the issue of personal ego will obliterate the necessity for both of you to come to amicable agreement. 

It is only when the issue has been cordially resolved that you can jokingly and lovingly point her to the mistake she made, not with a view of reprimanding her, but of ensuring such mistake doesn’t come up again. Each day spent in marriage is a process of learning and new experiences. 

If anybody tells you his or her marriage is perfect, then the person is trying to deceive you. At every point in marriage, one person has to do more than the other to pull it out of the woods. It is called the will of sacrifice and selflessness. Marriage is what nobody teaches and since you have entered into it, just ensure you give all it requires to work even when all the indices are urging you to give it up. Whatever reasons you have for deciding that your mother should continue to cook for you could also be her reasons for continuing with the pills. No incident ever happens in isolation. Our actions and decisions are always interwoven especially in a relationship. Until you take the time out to find out, two seemingly unrelated events may end up being the cause of the other. All you have to do is to probe deeper.

On the issue of her inability to cook, part of the blame goes to you. Granted, her mother laid the foundation, but you ensure its completion. When both of you were dating, didn’t she attempt to cook for you? Did you ever complain about her inability to cook? Did you encourage both of you eating out? Did you ever try to teach her the kinds of food that appealed to you the most? When you discovered her inability to cook, what efforts did you put in the house to teach her before deciding that your mother continues cooking for you?

Obviously if you did anything, your efforts are obviously not enough to make her change. We can argue all we like that it is the woman’s place to cook, but the truth, not all women are gifted in that area. Some women are repulsed at the idea of going to the kitchen not to talk of cooking. If she happens to be one of those kinds of persons, there is little you can do to make her fall in love with the kitchen, especially if she grew up in a home where she got away with it.

To engage her, don’t condemn her; rather bribe her with something you know she likes as incentive to make her want to learn. Ask her what her best food is and get someone to teach you how to cook it. Buy the ingredients and get her to help you out in the kitchen while you attempt to cook it. Don’t mind people who will laugh at you or sneer at the way of resolving your marital issue. The truth is that when it comes to marriage, we all have to find out different ways of resolving conflicts. Having applied the general rule and failed, try another way until you achieve what you want, which is getting her interested in cooking. 

Going to your mother to cook for you isn’t right. And your mother is wrong to have accepted to do that. What she should have done is to offer to teach your wife how to cook for you. The fact that you are giving her or your sister money to cook should tell her that you are having a challenge with your wife. Encouraging you to give her money to cook is a subtle way of breaking your marriage even if you say you are doing your best to keep them off your marriage. That you are allowing her continue to cook your meals has given her every right to come into your marriage when she so desires. 

As for her jealousy, think back, did you at anytime give her reasons to suspect you and any of these women? Why these women? She must have seen something strangely familiar between you and these women to make her suspicious. Even if you are not doing anything with these women the fact that your mother cooks your meals is enough reason to make her suspect that her inability to cook is making you look elsewhere for quality food. 

When a woman has a deficiency in her life, she automatically assumes the man is searching for her placement in any woman she sees him with. Until you resolve the issue of her inability to cook, she will continue to suspect any woman close to you especially as you have contracted your mother to do your cooking. 

Above all, learn to pray and apply God given wisdom to secure your marriage.

Good luck. 

Met Her In Fellowship, But Won’t Love Without Cash Flow

Dear Agatha, 
I’m an ardent reader of your column. Please, help me.
Although I am the eldest child in the family, over 30 years of age, I find it difficult to woo a woman. Because of this, I haven’t found a woman of my choice. People, including members of my family are taunting me especially as my immediate younger brother is already married. This has expectedly increased pressure on me. 
Recently, I met a young lady, a relation of a good friend of mine, at a ChristianFellowship. I approached her for friendship and she accepted. We are from the same town. 

But I noticed that she is in the habit of demanding for funds to travel from her school to see me. Her attitude is putting me off. Frankly, her attitude has reduced the frequency I call her drastically. I want to marry in no distant time. I’m an introvert and still schooling. I want to discontinue this friendship. I love her but I haven’t known her well enough. Don’t get me wrong; I am not stingy.                                   
Not long ago, I met her again at a fellowship; but this time she scarcely talked to me. I noticed she had an expensive handset and that her manners have changed dramatically. She treated me with disdain.  I simply concluded her attitude is not unconnected with my inability to supply her with funds. I’m no more interested in her; I want nuptial happiness. Please, your advice is needed on how to get a good woman. 

Bernete. 

 Dear Bernete, 

If you are serious about having a woman in your life, learn to be a little bit more patient and accommodating. There are no perfect situations in life, but passionate determination to succeed at the things that matter most to one. If you have the concomitant resolve to make whatever relationship work, you will grow the necessary understanding as well as tolerance to make it work.

But before you do that, you must first of all get a clear idea of what you want as well as rid yourself of some of your excesses. You must first of all appreciate that unless you are willing to change, nobody will eagerly make the same sacrifices for you. To make a relationship work for you, ask yourself why you seem not to find any woman who appeals to you? Do you think it just a case of being shy or that of not being able to tolerate having another person share your space? There is a world of difference between being naturally shy and being irritated at the idea of anybody trying to share in your thoughts and space. Bearing in mind that nobody is an island and that we at every point in our life need another person to function as an entity, you must open your heart for the concomitant changes that come with having someone else in one’s life. 

Granted, this girl may after all lack the qualities required to make a man happy, but you have to be careful not to end up prejudging people even before you get enough opportunity to know them. 

It is also important that you don’t rush into a relationship at first meeting simply on account of you being under pressure to marry. That your younger brother is married is no excuse to rush into marriage with the first woman you meet. It doesn’t work that way. Bear in mind that your younger brother has his life to live while you have yours too. So don’t allow anybody to force you into a situation you are not psychologically prepared for.

To help you get a clearer picture of what is important to you, what precisely do you want in your woman, that quality you know can keep you happy forever, sufficient to see both of you through torrents, hammering winds as well as disturbing sound of silence when the impulse is to break everything up and walk away while one’s sanity is still intact? You get the quality right to develop the kind of tolerance, understanding and care to keep such a woman by your side. There is no way you will meet a girl, date her without her making one kind of demand or the other on you. It is the way of life, something you cannot change. To be irritated at a woman’s demand means you aren’t prepared to make the essential journey that men make. While nobody is saying it is right for a woman to place all her needs on the man, the man in her life must be ready to play some roles in her life to remain relevant to her. This you must never forget.  It is the way between men and women.

When you meet a girl, give yourselves the chance to be friends first before laying the burden of love and relationship on her. She must be free to relate with you as her friend, get to know you as one and develop the concomitant trust to hand over to you her life. Until a woman learns to trust the man in her life, the man will never get the best of her even if she tells him she is in love with him.  She has to see in you a friend, father, brother, uncle to accept you as her husband and lover. 

Good luck.

  

My Medical Study Hangs For Switching To Christianity

Dear Agatha, 

I am so happy that I have at last summoned courage to send you this e-mail. I am a medical student in one of the Northern based universities in Nigeria.

The problem I am about to share started while in secondary school, when I developed interest in Christianity. This was despite being from a very strict Islamic family with a father who wasn’t only an Islamic teacher, but also a very fanatical one ready to do anything in the interest of his religion. 

I sometimes sneaked to church when he wasn’t around or the coast sufficiently clear enough for me. 

Somehow he found out and I instantly became his number one enemy so much so he threatened to stop me from going to school and marrying me off to a man his age. 

Shortly after he found out the particular church I was sneaking to for service, it was gutted by a mysterious fire said to be an accident, yet I know who must have sent people to set the place ablaze. 

During my brief interactions with Christians, I leant something important: prayer is the key to solving all problems. 

Agatha, right now I’m so scared. I have come to cherish the freedom of Christianity where I really want to be. 

I have begged my father to allow me complete my programme, but he has given the condition that he would only agree to my request if I denounce my new faith and return to Islam.  He called me a disgrace to the family. Although I don’t want to go back, I have dreamt of becoming a surgeon. 

I am so confused. Do I commit suicide? Would I go to heaven if I take my own life? I need help, advice and encouragement from real Christians. Is this what it takes to became a Christian-so much suffering and emotional torture? I might not have the chance to read your advice on your page, that is why I am giving my number, 07055657904 and email alayuaminna@yahoo.com, just for your prayers because the pressure is to much on me now.           

I decided to share my own story and problem with you after I read about one Mr. Abdul sometime last year. I called him; he sounded so happy as told me his new life in Christianity is the best now. He told me to be strong that God will see me through. He also told me about who helped him. Beg I want to join the Christian family because that is where my heart belongs.

Amina.

Dear Amina, 

Suicide isn’t an option at all. As a matter of fact, it is counted as a sin by the laws of God and man. Under the law, it is counted as murder. You would be regarded by God and man for killing having murdered yourself. You didn’t create your life, hence has no right to terminate it. The decision to end one’s life is the decision of God, not yours. 

According to the Bible, when one takes his or her own life, he or she is intended for hell. Blood is very precious to God and taking it amounts to wasting a life God intended for something great and precious. 

Besides, only cowards take the easy way out by contemplating suicide. For you to have taken such a fundamental decision, it shows you are not a coward so don’t allow the reactions of anyone drive you into an option that would make you suffer the more in the world after. 

Being a medical student, you more than anyone else knows how precious blood is, so don’t be tempted to spill yours, no matter the provocation. 

It is the devil trying to fight back, you see things from this negative point of view to end the bright future God has in store for you. It is also to make your father and family put blames where they shouldn’t. Christianity isn’t a violent religion and would never support termination of one’s life as a panacea to any problem whatsoever. I am sure theQuran too doesn’t support suicide. 

In your interest as well as all those who love you, perish the thought immediately to end the temptation of wanting to do it. 

One basic and very important fact you must know about life is that every change comes with its own sets of challenges. While we all desire changes, it is one of the hardest things to accept. There is no change that comes without some forms of discomforts, sacrifices and conflicts. If you are fair to your father, in his’ shoes, you will definitely resist this kind of change you are trying to introduce into the family because it runs contrary to everything he is familiar with as well as he has known all his life. For this reason, you must apply a measure of wisdom because Christianity itself is anchored on wisdom, which is why Solomon remains the greatest King that lived. The book of Proverbs underscores the place of Wisdom in all that we do. 

Because you are trying to introduce something completely alien to his world as well as those of your family members, tread carefully. You have to find a way of courting his friendship and trust to have the required peace to practise your new religion. The Bible tells us to always honour our parents so that our days on earth can be long and fulfilled. This man remains your father, the authority God has placed you in his care. Until now, he was a good father to you so resist every attempt to be rude to him. Doing so will only antagonise you from Him, make you his enemy and deprive you of your rights in his hands. Your right is to be educated by him so don’t overtly aggravate the situation; sometimes it pays to play the fool for a greater goal. You are in your last year in the medical school; stopping now would make nonsense of all your efforts to get to your life-long goal of being a surgeon. It is what makes you unique, dream, hence the need to protect it with wisdom. 

Also being a girl, there is little you can do to withstand the combined force of your family who if pushed into a very tight corner by you may be forced to carry out their threat of marrying you off to this old man. Be realistic enough to know that culturally, your being a woman in such a hostile environment may not give you too many choices for now, so learn to be patient and tolerant of the reactions of your father and family. God may be using this period to prepare you for the tasks ahead because without sharpening yourself in the virtues of patience and tolerance, you may not last long in the new faith. There is no good process in life that doesn’t come with sacrifices. Do whatever you have to do to make him complete payment of your education as well as stop him from marrying you off. By the time you write your final examination, you are free to do what you like, because you would have the academic empowerment to be self-sufficient. 

Often than not, what we profess isn’t what makes us who we say we are; instead it is by the way we behave and respond to others. 

Religious is often a thing of the heart; a personal covenant between you and the God you serve. It doesn’t allow a third party interference because without you first encountering the God you serve in an awesome way, you will only be telling the story from another person’s point of view. Always have it at the back of your mind that you can effect a positive change in your family by your own attitude and firm control of your temperament. You must showcase at all times the quality and tenets of your new religion, respect and peace.

To have the right frame of mind to withstand the challenges of your decision, there is the need for you to examine your knowledge of the 

God you now serve. How much and well do you know him? Do you think He sees and knows everything happening to you and that He also has the authority and power to make things happen your way?

How far are you determined to trust Him and go with Him?

These are the things that will help you properly to situate your situation as well as point you at the right direction to go. 

The first place to begin is to pray and personally ask for His help. In doing this, be specific in your request. Ask God who authored the world and everything in it, including your father, to step into your home, the heart of your father to make this journey easy for you. 

I am sure like Abdul, you will get all the encouragement, support and advice you need to move on in your new faith. God remains your greatest anchor; so don’t ever stray from His side; no matter the challenges, pains and frustrations. 

Good luck. 

I’m Ignorant Of Free Days After Ovulation Period

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. 

I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship? Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it?

Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. 

People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.

Good luck. 

Any Merit For Sex In Relationship?

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship? Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it?

Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. 

The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. Good luck. 

People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. 

This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.