Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Won’t air ticket to visit him sound too pushy?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,

I keep wondering how you sit everyday to reply all the numerous mails you get. You are really doing an amazing work. I wish I could do this too. The lord will continue to strengthen you.
I met this guy online a year ago. He is 38 years of age, while I am 26. We are always chatting, and he is always calling me.
He recently promised to visit me in my base here in the United States, but only for him after a while to say he wouldn’t be able to come due to work pressure.
But I am thinking of asking him to buy me a ticket to visit him instead.
This is why I am writing to you. Do you think he would think I am too pushy? Agatha, I truly love this guy and would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He calls me everyday to declare his love for me, but I don’t know if he means it. He told me he wants us to get married next year, but I don’t know his family he doesn’t mine.
How can we be talking about marriage in that condition? Besides, I don’t know if he is real or mean what he tells me.
I am of the opinion that if he really loves me, he should trust me enough to buy me a ticket to come and see him.
I don’t want to lose this guy. I don’t want to stay in this country (USA) fooling myself that I have a man in Nigeria that everything is well between us. I want to know what my man looks like, know if he is married or not and if he is serious about me.
I am very confused.
Joycelyn

Dear Joycelyn,
You are right to be apprehensive about this arrangement. There is no way you can be discussing marriage with an abstract person, someone you know next to nothing about beyond what he tells you. Someone you have only met through phone, who only calls when he is at his best or you call when you are at your best.
How can you live with an image of each other which deep in your hearts you know isn’t real?
Using yourself as an example of the deceit we all put into telephone and internet conversation, do you think you are getting the worst of him or he getting that side of you that you both know is very ugly – one you keep in the darkest part of your cupboard which only very close people know about?
It is only logical that when we are striving for something like a relationship with the person we desperately want, we always put our best foot forward. There is no way you would show him especially through telephone conversation that side of you that might make him run away. He too would be careful not to tell you things or give you any inkling of things in his character that would make you put a distance between the two of you.
In marriage, the best side of a couple is usually not what sustains a relationship but the ability of the couple to manage the worst side of each other.
A lot is involved in making marriage work. Don’t forget marriage is about two completely different persons with dissimilar cultures, values, perceptions and family orientation coming together under one roof to form a home. Though they may really love each other but usually the dynamism of these inherent individual struggles most times put a big damper on things and a couple whose understanding of each other is very limited may find these discrepancies daunting and insurmountable.
Marriage is not all about laughs and happy endings. It is a twine of the bad, ugly and good. Before it can be called marriage it has to undergo pains, sacrifices, tolerance, patience, understanding, stressful moments and a lot of other hard work to be perfect.
If you don’t know what makes him laugh to be able to laugh with him when you really feel like crying or he doesn’t know what to say to get you out of a nasty mood, such a relationship risks going into extinction.
Quality trust too goes into making it work. With some many doubts swimming in your mind, further fuelled by the distance and the circumstances under which you met and still striving, the two of you must do something dramatic to give a foundation to the relationship.
These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversations or emails. You both need to give yourselves physical time to develop as a couple.
By this, I am not implying sex but evolving a friendship that would frighten whatever challenges your different natures might bring into the relationship.
You need to know for instance what degree his real temperament is, just like he must also know about your attitude to things.
Marriage is more serious than two people talking over the phone everyday. If there is anyway you can afford the trip to and fro Nigeria, don’t ask him for money. Simply tell him you would like to come and visit your family here in Nigeria.
Asking him for money would probably frighten him off you especially if he has something to hide. He may also come up with an excuse on why he is unable to send the money. There are a lot of seemingly genuine excuses to give at any given time to deter from a true intention.
If your heart is really in this man, finding the money to pay your way would not be so difficult because when the hearts seeks something special, it doesn’t mind the cost and inconveniences that come with such desire.
Besides, it would give you the much-needed opportunity to find out the nagging issues bothering you.
If at 38 he remains unmarried your visit would unearth the real reason.
It would also help both of you build into the relationship the much needed trust to move beyond the point you are in now. This is because you would not just be helping yourself solve the puzzles you feel but him as well.
Granted, he may be truly busy, but it is still wise for both of you to formally meet after one year of dating through the Internet.
However, if you are not completely in a position to pay your full ticket to and fro Nigeria, let him know of your desire to come as well as your inability to completely fund your way. Without you asking, if he is really in love with you and curious to meet the woman he desires to marry, he would offer to share the fare with you.
But don’t ask if he doesn’t make the offer. Curiosity is part of love. He too should naturally be anxious to see and meet the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
As a matter of fact, you should be the only one who is inquisitive about knowing how your future partner looks and thinks.
However, you can know if you put your mind to it if he is hiding something from you by observing the particular time he calls you. If his calls are timed to fit a particular time, change it by calling him at a time when he should be at home sleeping.
If you haven’t asked before, demand to know why he is still single at 38. Listen to what he is not telling you rather than what he is telling you.
Allow sometime to pass before asking him again some patent questions about his true marital status. Take note of any inconsistency in his story.
A lot of time we ignore obvious signs because we have convinced ourselves to believe otherwise. Are you sure deep inside of you, you don’t already know the answers to the questions now bothering you?
This is the time for absolute honesty on your part to avoid a costly future mistake.
Good luck.

Guess she thinks I’m a gullible guy

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
There is this girl I really wish to marry. We started dating eight months ago. However, much as I love her there are certain flaws I have noticed in her character.
One of the flaws is her inability to take a firm decision on issues. For instance, unless she has the express permission of her aunty she is staying with she would refuse to do anything or take a decision.
It is so painful that even matters I consider to be confidential between us she shares with her aunty and does only what the aunty tells her to do about the matter.
Agatha, I am afraid that this attitude of hers can cause problems in future between us.
Another thing is while she enjoys confiding in her aunty, she doesn’t tell me anything and unless I accidentally find out and confront her with it, she won’t tell me a thing.
Naturally, this raises the issue of the quality of her feelings towards me. I think she doesn’t love me the way I love her.
It is painful because not only have I proposed to her but have refrained from any other relationship since I started dating her. Furthermore, I have shown her respect by telling her I won’t have sex with her until our wedding night especially as she claims to be a virgin.
But if her conduct is anything to go by, I am beginning to doubt this claim as she keeps receiving calls from different men every hour of the day.
I honestly don’t know what to make of this.
Agatha, in view of all these, do you think she is telling the truth about being a virgin or is she just playing me for a fool? How do I know if she is telling the truth and if she is the right woman for me?
Festus.

Dear Festus,
Trust is fundamental to the success of a relationship. That she gets calls from different men often doesn’t make her a liar. Don’t forget, she is still single. Hence, considered a free woman by all these men who also want her as much as you do.
She is at that age, when a woman is at her best, when it seems all the men in the world are magnetised by her beauty and scent. It is something she cannot help or prevent. It is a process everywoman goes through. These men would keep calling her, demanding for her attention and desiring her for a wife – whether she encourages them men or not. This is simply her prime when she is the most sought after flower in the garden. Just like you cannot prevent the pollination of flowers by the bees, so also you cannot prevent the thirst of men for a woman in her prime.
To distrust her on account of this would be most unfair. She cannot prevent the calls. Yes, you have the right to be angry over her liberally giving out her number to these men, but don’t use it as a benchmark to judge her loyalty to you.
The best thing you can do is to call her and let her know how you feel about the numerous male calls she regularly receives. Let her know precisely how you feel and the impressions these calls give you of her.
There is no way she would know, guess at your pains and despair if you don’t tell her. Don’t forget both of you grew up in different homes, under different morals, cultural and family beliefs. What may look right to you may be wrong where she is concerned. The period of a relationship is to help both parties fuse their differences; accommodate those things they cannot change and plan for their tomorrows.
Pointing out your discomfort with the calls she receives would help moderate her responses to these calls but you should also be careful over your attitude else it would drive her into keeping secrets from you. The best way to pass across your message is not to give her a fiat. If you do that you would simply be pushing her to be on the defensive, which may drive her away from you. Nobody likes to be put on the spot so be careful how you pass across your unease at the number of male admirers she has.
Merely teasing her about it is enough to convey your thoughts on the matter to her and would be most effective than any quarrel or orders you may give.
Knowing if she is telling the truth or not, would depend on what you place on the front burner. Her character would become apparent to you if you place the right values before you. For instance, if you base everything on her physical appearances, neglecting her moral values as well as those things she holds important, you may never get to know who she is.
Look beyond what she tells you and focus on her character as a person. Examine what she says and does. Is there a lot of difference? In the spirit of relationship building, point out any difference you observe between what she says and does or things you don’t understand.
This would not only give you a broader view into her person but enable you judge her fairly.
Many a time, we make the costly mistake of judging others from the premise of our own inadequacies as a person. We all come with patent faults and unless we allow ourselves to be corrected of those faults, we cannot change others around us. To know if this lady is telling the truth, examine yourself for lies and half-truths you have also told her. What are you hiding from her? What are those things you are not telling her? Clear your wardrobe first of any cobwebs before attempting to examine hers. You must learn first to trust yourself before you can trust in another person.
Good luck.

I’m in love with my friend’s sister…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 15 years old and I am in love with a girl who is two years younger. Her brother is my best friend and he doesn’t want the two of us to date. Please what should I do?
Worried boy.

Dear Worried Boy,
At 15, what do you know about and by love? What do you understand it to be? Do you know the responsibilities that come with the feelings of love? Do you know the self-denial that goes with falling in love, at your age especially? Do you know the havoc an unguarded moment can bring to your life and the girl’s in particular?
There is no contesting the fact that at your age, love is one big field of beautiful colours, sign of maturity, licence of freedom and liberty. Yes, love is all these but it is much more. Behind all the beautiful features you see, there are reality signposts hidden beneath.
For instance, what happens if you and this girl, who is barely a baby herself, get into a compromising situation and do what you should not do? Are you ready for the responsibilities that come from a man and woman sleeping together? Behind the euphoria of expression of this sexual excitement is one big issue – the arrival of an unplanned baby.
Do you have what it takes to care for yourself, the lady and the baby that would come from the process of expressing your love for each other?
Doubtless love is wonderful feeling but it has to be packaged into the jacket of responsibility for it to remain wonderful.
The issue here is not whether you have a right to fall in love with her or not, but if you should allow the feelings overflow? Clearly, at 15, you are not equipped spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally and materially to cope with the attendant complications that come with being in love.
At the age you are in now, your hormones are at their most, exciting, destructive and unfortunately at their most aggressive. This is because they make you so aware and conscious of your sexuality and potentials. Giving in to their demands may give you temporary freedom, but in the long run they leave you empty and vulnerable when pregnancy occurs, when you are made to fend for the premature family these hormones caused you to have while your mates are busying pursuing their education.
This is the reason her brother and every other adult near you both would never support the relationship.
She especially has more to lose. Her dignity, innocence, freedom, future, respect and life are just a few of the things she would lose. Would you ever be able to compensate her for all these losses if you get her pregnant now? Would you ever be able to regain all the opportunities that would be forfeited by both of you if you allow this untimely love take root?
This is a feeling that should never be given the opportunity to grow because the season for it has not come yet.
At 13 she is nothing but a baby. Like you, she is not knowledgeable about the consequences of the bedroom game beyond the on the spot excitement she would enjoy being with you.
Love at your age is a bitter pill. It is infatuation, a deadly chemical substance that is very harmful to your life and soul.
Love is selflessness, respect, tolerance, patience, care, understanding and support. Which of these do you feel for this girl? Do you feel the need to put on hold your desires for her and support her instead to realise her dream? Do you have the desire to protect her, care for her at all times beyond having her in your bed and arms?
If your libido is what is propelling you to her, please don’t infect her life. There is no harm to be friends with her provided whatever you do with her is done in public. The regrets associated with premature lovemaking never go away – lives on forever. What she needs is a friend, be that friend, not a lover. If you indeed love her, you would bury whatever feelings you have for her until the reason is right because a flower plucked before its season is useless to itself and the person that plucked it.
Good luck.

My wife is ungodly

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a reasonable man that has a bright future but got married to an ungodly wife determined to ruin my life.
It took me a while to notice that she isn’t the person I thought she was. This is because her mien is innocent and gentle. However underneath is a very volatile person, one people close to her try so much to avoid.
To cut the story short we are separated. She actually ran away with our children.
If I don’t part with money, she won’t allow me see my children.
What pains me the most is the fact that she isn’t taking good care of the children. I want to enroll the eldest one in a good school but she is refusing my request.
Agatha, what can I do now because I am fed up with this woman? She isn’t hiding the fact that she plans to injure me whenever I come near my children. My children are my future; my family members have tried their best to settle the matter but it was in vain.
I need your assistance. Please help me by giving me the best way to solve this problem. I am too young for this problem and don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want to die untimely.
Bode.

Dear Bode,
This matter has gone beyond your family alone. Her family must be involved in this matter too.
Besides involving her family, you must also be truthful to yourself. Granted she may have her faults but there is no way she could have done it alone.
Somewhere along the line, you may have done one or two things to provoke her reaction.
When issues get this complicated in a marriage or relationship, the best approach remains dialogue.
Given the attendant bitterness and trading of blames that accompany every troubled marriage or relationship, you won’t achieve any success if you insist on discussing anything with her on your own. She is still hurting just as you are and only time would help both of you heal sufficiently to come to an agreement that would suit you both.
To insist on her listening to you in her present state of mind is to drive a wedge further between the two of you. Irrespective of what you currently feel about each other, the presence of the children makes it inevitable for both of you to continue to relate as friends.
You may have decided to live your lives separately but resist allowing your soured feelings get into the way of the welfare of the children. You can forgive each other but those children will never forgive you both if they end up becoming the victims of your troubled marriage.
For this reason, you may have to stop forcing her to allow you visit the children. Presentation matters a lot. Your current approach maybe the reasons she is resisting your request. Both of you are still too raw to be able to deal with seeing each other.
Understandably, a lot of things went wrong while you were living together as a couple. The fact that both of you lacked the patience and determination not to allow your differences and disappointments tear both of you apart, be careful these same factors don’t make your children your enemies eventually.
Whether you or she likes it or not, both of you cannot continue to ignore the presence of each other. A time would come when you would need to create the avenue for discussion because of the children. The way you handle your current impasse would determine how far you go in getting that cooperation from her.
The reason being she currently has the children living with her. To the outside world, she is the one who has been traumatized and is forced to run for safety. Even though you say you are the victim, not many people would believe you.
Going to her to insist on seeing the children would ultimately lead to a major disagreement between the two of you and that would definitely work against you. How many people are you going to try to convince that she is the real problem?
For this reason you have to be tactical because what you think is her fault, others may see as her strength.
Besides, when it comes to marital dispute, nobody is ever blameless.
As a man you are to blame for being unable to understudy your wife, know when to ignore her, turn her negative side to her strength, grow the determination to be her friend and as such wean her of what you consider a threat to the peace of your home. The fact that you lacked what it takes to manage a woman with her kind of temper is itself a fault on your part. Selflessness and sacrifices are what make the difference between marital success and failure.
The kind of temper you say she has, isn’t the kind that can go unnoticed. You must have felt the heat of her temper during your courtship days. That you ignored it or had the courage to put up with it at that time without pausing to think of the long term implication of living with her kind of person, couldn’t have been her making. It was your choice and the ideal thing and way forward is to accept your own mistakes in the mess your marriage to her has become.
You should have realized that for those children to grow into the kind of persons you want them to be, they would need stability in your reactions to their mother’s temperament.
Being honest with yourself at this difficult juncture of your life would help you to put things in proper perspective.
It is the only way to let go of all the built up bitterness and tensions your marriage went through as well as provide you with the energizer you need to face your new marital challenges.
After speaking with members of her family and explaining what you want for the time being, seek the help of a mutual friend to be the in-between. This friend, apart from trying to appeal your case to her would be your witness in future. He or she would be able to answer for you when the children begin to ask questions concerning the efforts you made to see or get them.
This friend should also witness all the financial transaction between your wife and you concerning the welfare of the children.
If she isn’t taking care of them the way you want, get an accommodation for her, discuss the kind of school you want the child to enroll with her on the phone without making her appear inadequate or insensitive to the needs of the children.
Being their mother, she is naturally equipped to care for the children but this isn’t to say that if you notice things you don’t like, you should keep quiet. She has friends and family members you can talk to.
Beyond the issue of preserving the welfare of your children, there is also the need for you to rethink your options.
Isn’t there anything you can do to pull your marriage out of the woods? What lessons have you learnt from all these things happening by her packing out and the welfare of the children? Is there a possibility that the two of you can come back to make it work? What sacrifices are you willing to make?
There is always that point in our lives when we look back with regrets at some of our actions in the past.
In a decade from now, how would you feel about this woman and the decision to end the marriage?
Whatever you are going through, good wisdom demands you tarry to enable you think clearly of your options.
There is no one that is perfect. We all come with defective manuals from God. Marriage provides us with the support base to be near perfect. Couples are supposed to learn from each other. You are to help this woman overcome her weakness just as she is supposed to help you overcome yours.
Going back to your starting point would help both of you, especially you recall the important things in your union. She couldn’t have been this bad when you started out with her. If she has become absolutely bad, pause to ask yourself your own contributions to her present state of the mind.
Knowing where you went wrong would help point you at the solution. It would assist you to understand how much support you must give her to get the kind of results you need to be happy with her.
I say this because you aren’t sure what kind of woman you are going to meet after her. What if she turns out to be worse than this one you are leaving?
Even if she is ungodly like you say, there is nothing prayers cannot do. If you really trust in your God, these habits are things you can really pray out of her life. A lot of times we fight over things that can easily be resolved through prayers.
If you made a mistake marrying without first asking God, don’t make another one by leaving her without first seeking the face of God. It is very important to avoid huge regrets in your life later in life.
Good luck.