Wednesday, June 3, 2009

We’re Perfect Pair But My Parents…


Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column and always impressed by the quality of the advice you give. God will surely reward and give you more wisdom.

There is this problem I have for which I need your advice.

I entered into a relationship in 2004. We love each other and he is also nice. I am NCE holder and met him in my final year at the college. He came for his NYSC scheme in my school, along the line we became friends and the rest is now history.

After his service year he went back to Enugu, and the distance between us didn’t affect the relationship at all. My parents were not aware then because of their disposition towards me having a boyfriend.

In 2006 he got a good job with the Enugu State government. Despite this, his feelings for me never changed as his friends and family members always gave us their support.

The job didn’t change his feelings for me. I can attest to the fact that I am the only woman in his life.

During Easter in 2008, he came to my house to ask for my hand in marriage but my parents rejected him on account of him being from Imo State, while I am from Anambra. They don’t like the village he comes from. According to them people from his area are very wicked hence they won’t allow me marrying any man from there.

My five years with him have exposed me to his nature and character. I know for certain, he doesn’t have the traits my parents are afraid of. On the contrary he is very loving, caring, supportive as well as encouraging. Like everyone else he has his weaknesses, which I have come to accept and tolerate.

Since 2008, he has been waiting and pleading with my parents to give him an opportunity to study and know his character before passing their judgement but they have refused. There is nothing we haven’t done for them to give us a chance but they remain resolute.

This Easter, we took the painful decision to quit the relationship since we can’t marry without their consent but we are daily challenged with the problem of staying away from each other. He is of the opinion that he can never live with another woman except me and like him I am also experiencing the same thing. I can’t find in another man the same qualities in him. His support is so unconditional to the extent that he is instrumental to my being a graduate of Mathematics today.

Some people advised he should get me pregnant, but he said that it would only complicate the matter as my people have already made their stance known on the matter. That if he had done that before his coming to them, they would have had no choice but to bless the marriage. Doing that now, he thinks, would amount to disobedience, in the opinion of my parents. He wants their blessings to be unconditional.

Although we have gone our different ways, we are still praying for my parents to call us back.

Agatha, I am seriously confused and the pains are increasing instead of abating. We have invested so much into this relationship. His friends, cousins and parents, especially his mother are worried about us. They think we were made for each other.

Worried Fiancée.

Dear Worried Fiancée,

If you and your partner don’t stand up for the love you share, nobody would. Giving up on yourselves and love is a very cowardly thing to do in the face of your parents’ objection.

True love is detribalised and cuts across religious or general categorisation of a people. What your parents accuse his people of isn’t limited to where he comes from. Bad people are everywhere. The world has only two types of people, the good and the bad.

Being more experienced in matters of relationship, they ought to know that the important thing is what a couple has in its favour, which is friendship.

That you have courted successfully for five years despite the problems of distance shows a good measure of compatibility, faithfulness, understanding and trust. These are very much in supply. Relationships are crumbling like packs of cards these days because the couples involved don’t know what to look out for and what to invest their time on.

For the simple reason that you have accepted each other’s shortcomings and willing to live with them shows a high sense of understanding and thoughtfulness you have both invested in this relationship.

To give up all these on account of what your parents feel isn’t right. Does it mean you two would give up easily on a future situation you find yourselves in simply because the opposition appears insurmountable? Would you and your man give up on your marriage if the unforeseen situation of not having a child comes up?

This is the time to begin the process of fighting for what you both want and belief in. Unless you are both of the view that five years together is of no worth, then give up on your love but if you think these are important years to you and the foundation of your happiness in future, look for more effective ways of getting your parents to accept this union. You being at the centre of it all has the greater role to play because you know things he doesn’t know about your parents. Use you knowledge of your parents to get them to listen to you on this matter.

Our roles as parents are to provide support and give hope, not to jettison the hopes of our children on account of unsubstantiated facts. It is unfair to deny two persons who have found true love the chance to be happy together on account of what his people are.

The right thing would have been to give him a chance to prove to them whether he is bad or good, given you a chance to say what you know of him.

There is nothing in life that is well defined but love conquers all and makes perfect those things, which are not.

Rather than pine away, take your destiny in your hands because no one will. It is your life and happiness that is at stake, so you must find a way of making your mother especially listen to you.

Get her on her own to plead with her. This is a woman to woman thing, a time to drag her back into her past, and to remind her of her own days when she and your father decided to get married. To enquire how she would have felt if anyone had tried to stop her spending her life with the one man she knew was made for her.

Make her understand, the risk you are willing to take for true love and how you would remain an old maid in her house if she refuses to let you be. No mother wants her daughter to remain with her for long. Let her see your pains as well as determination as a woman. Let her think you would get pregnant for this man if she refuses you to follow your destiny.

Then go to your father, can you remember the tricks you used as an innocent and helpless child to bail yourself out of his bad book? This is the best time to drag that out and use your charm to get him to support you. Every father has a secret soft spot for his daughter. It is an inexplicable reason. Fathers always give in to their daughters even when their mouths are saying no. His heart is what you need to appeal to, the heart of love and protection as the head of the home. His desire is for you to be happy and well protected in your husband’s house. Women are the ones that are always looking for sentimental things to hold on to, men look for substance. Allow you father see the good side of him through your tears. Show your father the evidence of your love for him and his for you. Weep like you did when you were a child but this time let it be tears of pains of a woman who is in love and asking her father to protect her against the pains of losing the only man she truly loves.

You will neither win this battle by being stubborn nor would you win it by being passive. This is a battle of wisdom combined with the craftiness of a woman. This is an attribute women bring from heaven, which no marriage course teaches.

A woman has to be a diplomat to win her battles.

It is in your interest you develop the skill before going into marriage because marriage itself requires diplomacy to sustain. You must master the act of accommodating all interests and neutralising opposition without being obvious or confrontational.

It pays at all times to know the weakness of your opponent and use them to your advantage without them realising it.

After talking to your mother, get your boyfriend’s mother too to do a woman-to-woman talk with your mother. Once you are able to get one of your parents on your side, it would be easier to push your agenda and interest.

In addition to these, pray. There is nothing God cannot do. No matter how difficult your parents may appear to be, they are subject to the will of God. Go on your knees plead for His help in this matter.

One thing though, if after praying alone and together, the situation remains and doing everything humanly possible including soliciting the assistance of older family members as well as the church to intervene on your behalf, it means God didn’t make both of you an item, so let go. It does happen that sometimes what we think we want desperately isn’t the same thing God wants for us.

Good luck.