Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
In the past three months, my husband has been behaving strangely. Although the changes are not the kind you can hold on to, give a name, but are there nonetheless.
He takes extra care of his appearance, ensure when he is going out that everything about him is perfect, changed his cologne to a stronger one, has started cutting down on his in take of food with the excuse that he doesn’t want to go out of shape too much.
I recently went through his clothes, discovered he has practically changed his easy clothes to jeans and T-shirts. The quality of these things can only come from a woman’s fashion eyes. Recently, went into his room to find him reading a book that gives detailed portrayal of the different sex styles.
When I asked what he was doing with such a book, he said, it was meant to broaden his knowledge since learning isn’t restricted to any age.
Agatha, everything about his conduct smells extra-marital affairs. We have been married for almost two decades. He will be 50 later this year while I will be 46 in April.
I don’t know how to handle him at this age. I thought this side of him was gone with his youthful days.
Please, I don’t want to lose him to a younger woman.
Iyinola.
Dear Iyinola,
What is happening to your husband is the basic need of the average middle age man to relive the excitement of his past. Not everybody is equipped with the presence of mind to accept the process of aging with maturity. For many of us, the onset of the golden years is scary and bleak. This is because the golden years bring with them a decline in the human form.
No matter how much modern science has improved, man’s internal mechanism begins the dance of depreciation.
While women give in to the menopausal years, actually are mentally prepared to begin this new phase of life, nothing on the other hand prepares the man for this period of his life.
Every man wants to remain active and attractive for life. So when the age catches on, most men become very scared so much so they want to run back into their youths for support.
While your husband could be having an affair to prove he is still man enough to engage and sustain the interest of the young woman, it may just be that the fear of old age has made him so insecure that he wants to hold on at all cost to his past.
Whatever he may be up to, this isn’t the time for you to get overtly jealous or troublesome. Any additional stress on his plate will make him abandon you and the children for a younger woman that makes him feel strong and vibrant, even if for a short period. To forestall crisis in your home, give him all the support to be secured again.
When it comes to this kind of issue women are stronger and more realistic. Don’t forget the ego of the average man is tied to his viability and vibrancy as a man. Anything that will tamper with these, men don’t like that all.
In whatever way, encourage him by your own appearance too. He is obviously fighting to remain young and would very soon begin to resent anything that reminds him of his current age. You will definitely become his first target if you are the kind of woman who exposes through your choice of clothes what he is trying to run away from.
This means until he comes to terms with his present age, you have to shift position a little bit to conform to what he has in mind. It is also essential to protect your home from irrational decision he is likely to make in his current frame of mind.
The first thing is to perish the thought of another woman in his life; such thoughts at your age will only make you miserable and angry. Even if he is dating another woman, pretend she doesn’t exist. In addition, she isn’t worth your time and attention.
Secondly, do away with free flowing gowns. Invest in some quality T-shirts similar to the ones he has. If you favour trousers, go for them in durable Jeans materials, but if not, go for skirts, the kinds that make you smart and appealing.
Ensure you change your hairstyles to more contemporary ones. And even if you must dress in gowns and traditional attires, go for vibrant colours, match them with equally appealing essentials that would force him to look at you again as a woman; just his wife and mother of his children.
Also spend good money on quality bra and support panties to firm up your body. There is no investment in your appearance that is too much for the sake of your home.
With hair-extensions there is no style you cannot achieve. You can also opt for low cut to keep you trendy.
To ensure he remembers you wherever he goes, stamp your authority on his mind by searching for a perfume with unforgettable fragrance. It is a matter of looking for the right one for you. Also go for sexy nightgowns. Who says you cannot be as sexy as those young girls even more than them since you have time and experiences on your side?
As for your sex life, you are just starting. Why not take a cue from him on how to improve your act? There is no age restriction to learning.
There is always an improved version to what you are used to. It is a matter of your willingness to experiment with your age of freedom.
Give him the extra.
Above all, entrust your marriage to God; there is no situation He cannot change.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Falling in love with a man I never met?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
She caught me with my live-in lover…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Re: Too cunning to be taken serious
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
After he ‘arrived,’ I’m no more his match…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.
Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.
Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.
Can she end blood oath with first love?
Aghata Edo,08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com
Dear Agatha,
Please help me out, l am dying.
I am a graduate of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. Please, l want you to use your God-given talent to solve this problem.
There is a young lady l fell in love with last year during the end of my service year in last year. In the short time we met, she had told me everything about her. From what she told me, I immediately detected an inherent problem.
According to her, her former boyfriend deceived her into having a blood covenant with him in her first year in the university, when she was 17 years of age.
This guy was in his final year then. He did this out of fear of losing her. However, this hasn’t stopped the man from cheating on her. Apart from the stories she has heard, she also has confirmations of his cheating on her. Because of this, she wants to break the relationship.
Even though the guy still wants to marry her, she has come to the knowledge that blood oath isn’t healthy spiritually and totally against her faith.
So what do you advise us on how to break that covenant?
Emmy.
Dear Emmy,
This is a deliverance case because so many spiritual pollutions accompany blood covenant. Among all the covenants, blood and sex covenants are the ones with the most spiritual consequences.
Since she still has access to the man she went into the covenant with, the problem is half-solved. She should go to the man and discuss the need for them to break the covenant through a deliverance process.
To get him to listen to her, it would be in her interest not to tell him about her change of heart about the relationship. By simply pointing him at the inherent spiritual implications of blood covenant to both of them, especially if either of the parties isn’t faithful to the other, he would listen to her.
She should use the advantage of his unfaithfulness to make him desire the discontinuation of the blood covenant since he is likely to suffer more from any repercussion.
Blood oath is like a double-edged sword. Even if a dating couple ends up getting married, it is still important they break the covenant because blood is the essence of man. It envelops the spiritual mystery of man. Its evaporation from the body signifies the end of life, so God holds it very precious. Nobody has the right to toy with it. That is why the bond between mother and child is eternally strong. When a man and a woman have the burden of a blood covenant between them, the slightest provocation and anger conjures more spiritual problems that it would ordinarily have incurred because, in addition to sex, marriage oath and blood oath was also exchanged.
This explains why some couples die together leaving their children, irrespective of their ages, to map out their lives on their own.
It is important they both realise that the process of breaking the covenant isn’t as easy as that which led to it. While it takes only two people to go into it, it takes more than that number to be completely free from it.
Before approaching him, she should make all necessary arrangements with her spiritual leaders in the church so that they can give her and her former boyfriend all the spiritual support they need to get out of this.
It is only after the oath is broken she should tell him of her decision to discontinue with the relationship.
To protect your relationship from the consequences of this blood oath between your girlfriend and her former boyfriend, it is important you stay away from having sex with her because third parties suffer disappointments as a result of the trauma that characterises the association with them. Even after the deliverance, allow sex to remain in the cupboard until you both get married. You may not find it easy to do, but it pays to wait until the time is ripe.
Help her along with prayers; give her all the encouragement to go through the process because she needs boldness and complete faith in God to undo what she has done.
She may have done it out of ignorance, but it won’t stop the pains of the repercussion from happening.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me out, l am dying.
I am a graduate of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. Please, l want you to use your God-given talent to solve this problem.
There is a young lady l fell in love with last year during the end of my service year in last year. In the short time we met, she had told me everything about her. From what she told me, I immediately detected an inherent problem.
According to her, her former boyfriend deceived her into having a blood covenant with him in her first year in the university, when she was 17 years of age.
This guy was in his final year then. He did this out of fear of losing her. However, this hasn’t stopped the man from cheating on her. Apart from the stories she has heard, she also has confirmations of his cheating on her. Because of this, she wants to break the relationship.
Even though the guy still wants to marry her, she has come to the knowledge that blood oath isn’t healthy spiritually and totally against her faith.
So what do you advise us on how to break that covenant?
Emmy.
Dear Emmy,
This is a deliverance case because so many spiritual pollutions accompany blood covenant. Among all the covenants, blood and sex covenants are the ones with the most spiritual consequences.
Since she still has access to the man she went into the covenant with, the problem is half-solved. She should go to the man and discuss the need for them to break the covenant through a deliverance process.
To get him to listen to her, it would be in her interest not to tell him about her change of heart about the relationship. By simply pointing him at the inherent spiritual implications of blood covenant to both of them, especially if either of the parties isn’t faithful to the other, he would listen to her.
She should use the advantage of his unfaithfulness to make him desire the discontinuation of the blood covenant since he is likely to suffer more from any repercussion.
Blood oath is like a double-edged sword. Even if a dating couple ends up getting married, it is still important they break the covenant because blood is the essence of man. It envelops the spiritual mystery of man. Its evaporation from the body signifies the end of life, so God holds it very precious. Nobody has the right to toy with it. That is why the bond between mother and child is eternally strong. When a man and a woman have the burden of a blood covenant between them, the slightest provocation and anger conjures more spiritual problems that it would ordinarily have incurred because, in addition to sex, marriage oath and blood oath was also exchanged.
This explains why some couples die together leaving their children, irrespective of their ages, to map out their lives on their own.
It is important they both realise that the process of breaking the covenant isn’t as easy as that which led to it. While it takes only two people to go into it, it takes more than that number to be completely free from it.
Before approaching him, she should make all necessary arrangements with her spiritual leaders in the church so that they can give her and her former boyfriend all the spiritual support they need to get out of this.
It is only after the oath is broken she should tell him of her decision to discontinue with the relationship.
To protect your relationship from the consequences of this blood oath between your girlfriend and her former boyfriend, it is important you stay away from having sex with her because third parties suffer disappointments as a result of the trauma that characterises the association with them. Even after the deliverance, allow sex to remain in the cupboard until you both get married. You may not find it easy to do, but it pays to wait until the time is ripe.
Help her along with prayers; give her all the encouragement to go through the process because she needs boldness and complete faith in God to undo what she has done.
She may have done it out of ignorance, but it won’t stop the pains of the repercussion from happening.
Good luck.
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