Thursday, February 16, 2012

Before she marries a chronic womaniser, gold-digger…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I am caught between two friends. One is my best friend from childhood while the other one is my roommate in school.
Recently, my roommate had a lot to talk about her recent boyfriend; how much he loves and supports her. According to her, he recently came back from London where he went to study and ready to marry her as soon as she writes her final examination.
From everything she has told me about him, I gathered he must be from a very rich family. He comes with different cars. Even the gifts he gives her were the expensive kind.
Because we are in our final year, I have been very busy, but recently I demanded to meet her Romeo. She tried to call him to fix the date, but his number wasn’t going through. She promised to fix the meeting between us for the following weekend.
She however came back to inform me that her boyfriend said, he won’t be around that weekend; that he would be in South Africa with his father.
The following day, she was in the bathroom when her phone rang. I called out to her, but she told me to tell her boyfriend that she would call him back. It was the first time I was seeing the picture of her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe I was staring at the picture of my childhood husband, the same man, her father, helped to set up as a mechanic when he got her pregnant.
I didn’t want to speak with him, so I allowed the phone to terminate itself. When my friend got out of the bathroom, I lied that I was also on the phone talking to my boyfriend, hence couldn’t answer her call.
I told her that since we were free for the day, she and I should pay her boyfriend a surprised visit to his house.
Being a very honest person, she told me she didn’t know where he stayed and that they always meet at hotel rooms. According to her, his excuse for not taking her home is because his father wants him to marry the daughter of his best friend.
I allowed it to go, but insisted she should call him and tell him to come and take us out.
When she called him, he told her that he was still in South Africa and that he roamed his number.
Well, I allowed her be. But made up my mind to visit my best friend later that day.
Fortunately, I met her with her husband at home. When she left to attend to something inside the house, I told him about his little escapade with my roommate and warned him to end it or I will spill the beans.
He at first pretended not to know what I was talking about but when he knew I was serious promised to end it all.
But to my pains, he hasn’t and is now blackmailing me that he would tell his wife that I was in the know about his relationship with my roommate from the beginning; that I actually supported both of them dating.
I don’t know what to do because my friend and her family have done so much for him. I don’t want my roommate getting hurt because she is falling for all his lies about being the son of an important person in the country, while in fact, he lives off the name and prestige of his wife’s family.
How do I get him to leave my roommate alone and facing his family?
I know from my friend that he is a habitual womaniser but decided to look the other way because of their child.
How do I help my friends? My roommate is preparing for her final examinations. Will telling her now not affect her?
Worried Friend.

Dear Worried Friend,
Silence they say is golden, but this is that instance that silence isn’t golden. Even if you don’t tell his wife about it, please warn your roommate that she is heading for emotional pains and disaster. She will never forgive you for keeping such vital information from her. While telling the wife about her husband’s adventure is out of place, but nothing stops you from telling your roommate about the nature of the man she is daily getting deeper into.
If you don’t tell her and she finds out later that you knew all along that this man was simply out to play her for a fool, defraud her emotionally, she will think you are a very bad person who enjoys watching people around her suffer.
By then it would be too late to salvage your years of friendship as nothing you say would make sense to her or people who get to hear.
This is why you must resist attempts by this man to blackmail you into keeping quiet about what you know about him. Call your roommate and tell her all you know about this man. It is better you risk losing her friendship because you told her the truth rathan for watching her make a complete fool of herself. It is better she weeps now than later when she would have invested too much trust, dream into a man that was never hers from the beginning.
Telling her now would help her focus; know what she is up against and make all the necessary decisions concerning her other options now.
If you allow her to continue with the relationship, she will only get deeper and deeper into it. Already, deep inside her, like every woman her age is already envisioning the tolling of wedding bells between the two of them. Some decisions are always very difficult to make. There is no time you tell her about this man that will always be right because it involves her life, emotions and future. Being young, you know this is the time, after graduation that the chemistry of marriage becomes very profound.
Even if she hasn’t said anything to you, in her mind’s eyes, she is already married to this Romeo.
You will be there to help her regain her equilibrium; redirect her mind to her reason for being in school. You will be there to offer her your shoulders as well as help talk sense into her. Don’t delay; tell her.
The fact that this man lacks remorse, tried to blackmail you into keeping quiet showcases him as a selfish and callous man. It is obvious he doesn’t care about her, his wife or any woman for that matter. He is simply out to have fun at her expense. If she is sensible, she will thank you for telling her the truth and not feel especially as the man involved has told her nothing but lies.
Let her know also that the wife is your friend. Offer to take her on a visit to your friend’s house. Not only will it further expose all the lies the man has told her about his affluent family, but also the truth about his marital status. Ensure you go on the visit when he is most likely to be at home; it will also communicate your own determination not to be intimidated by his threats.
You could also threaten to expose his double life and numerous lies to the parents of your friend. And when next you are discussing with him, ensure you have him on tape. Knowing that you are capable of exposing his excesses to his in-laws will make him think twice about certain things concerning his lifestyle.
Having gotten accustomed to living in luxury and style, he wouldn’t want to lose everything by insisting on keeping his kind of lifestyle. He will definitely want to remain on the good side of his wife’s family.
But you also have to find a way of helping your friend make her home happy. Unless he is a chronic womaniser, something is obviously wrong with their marriage.
Granted that from his conduct so far, he has tendency to lie about his life, but more than that is the underlying factor of unhappiness somewhere in their marriage. One thing is for your friend’s family to offer him financial succour another thing is respect. How much respect does he enjoy from his wife and in-laws? His attitude may be borne out of a need to feel like a man in the life of a woman.
You will never know his reasons unless you try to talk to him. From whatever he says, you will know where the real issue is in their union.
If your friend is making the mistake of advertising the fact that without her family’s money, he is nothing, chances are he will continue to find women who make him feel wanted and respect him as the man.
Doubtless he has his fault, but these flaws can be managed and reduced with love and respect by his wife. This is the job you have to do for your friend’s happiness.
Good luck.

Caught my fiancée in bed with my best man… Caught my fiancée in bed with my best man… Caught my fiancée in bed with my best man…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Please help me. Saturday, Feburary 18, is my wedding day. I am supposed to marry the lady I have dated for four years. This is one lady I trusted so much and would have done anything to please.
Last Saturday, after leaving my best man’s house, I changed my mind about going home and decided to go over to my girlfriend’s house. It was something that I didn’t plan or discuss with anybody. I simply wanted to see her even though I had seen her that day before seeing my best man. The funny thing is that I had called her as I was leaving my best friend’s house to inform her about my movement.
So she wasn’t expecting me at all. On my way to her house, I discovered I had a flat tyre. It took me another 30 minutes to fix it. Ordinarily that would have made me change my mind about going to her place, instead in a very strange way, I was extra-determined to see her that night.
It was as if something greater than I was propelling me to her place.
By the time I got to her place, it was almost 9pm. I didn’t bother to drive into the compound. The security man wasn’t at his post, so I went in without anybody noticing me.
And since I had my keys, I opened the back door, walked into the sitting room since the television was on. I thought she was in there, but she wasn’t and neither was her flat mate. So I decided to check her in the room. Right there on her bed was my wife to be and my best man. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The rage with which I called out their names drew their attention to my presence.
I don’t know how I managed to drive back to my house that night. It remains a mystery.
Although both of them have made frantic efforts at reaching me, I have refused to take any of their calls.
Agatha, I am too hurt and pained to discuss the matter with anyone. I have tried to find explanations for their actions, but nothing is making sense to me even till now.
I can’t even tell my mother and my siblings about my pains. There is no one to turn to, Agatha please help me so I won’t kill myself before Saturday. I love her so much. How can two people I trusted most in the world do this to me? And what more, she is pregnant. What do I do about it? Now, I am not so sure if the pregnancy is mine. I don’t know how to tell my family, even if I want to tell anybody for that matter. I just feel like the end of the world is here.
Jide.

Dear Jide,
You need to talk to someone immediately. I sent you a mail requesting you see me urgently, but I haven’t heard from you. I honestly didn’t want this published, thought you and I could resolve it privately.
Anyway, Jide there is nothing new under the sun and no situation without a solution. God doesn’t do anything without a reason. From your story, He planned all these carefully for your benefit.
If someone else had told you that your bestfriend and wife to be were dating, chances are you wouldn’t have believed, thinking it was all part of a plot to destroy your relationships with them.
The fact that you didn’t plan to go, had a flat tyre that delayed you, didn’t meet the security man at his post, went in through the back door to her unlocked room underscores the presence of God in all that happened that night.
He never does anything without a reason and chance for us to thank Him later. Bitter and painful as this situation is, appreciate the emotional pains He saved you from. How would you have felt or handled the situation if you are finding out that the two people you trusted are dating after the wedding ceremony? At least, now you have a choice of not going ahead with the wedding, but what if you had found out after the wedding and years of marriage with children?
How would you have handled the knowledge that the children may not be yours? The hurtful awareness that children you thought, treated and loved like your own may at the end of the day belong to your best friend would be more profound than what you are currently feeling.
Granted, you found out about them almost on the eve of your wedding ceremony, but you can walk away with minimal damage to you at the end of the day.
And talking to your family members is the only way you can really put this entire episode behind you. Had it being that your wedding ceremony isn’t just a few days away, you could easily handle it on your own without telling your family. But the issue has gone beyond you, you owe it to the people you have invited to your wedding ceremony some forms of explanations. Nobody outside your family members needs to know the truth; you could simply tell them that for circumstances beyond your control, the wedding date has been postponed.
Ask for some time off from the office to recover from your pains of betrayal. By the time you come back, the interested questions that would be generated by your announcement would have blown over.
From my experience, brooding over the issue of why these two became disloyal to you at this point in time won’t do you any good. Rather than decrease the pains, you will become more hurt. Don’t even try to find a reason instead, just ponder on the goodness and mercy of God in all these. I know it is difficult, but you need the help of God to outgrow this overpowering feeling of accute emotioal pains as well as the urge to end it all.
You also need the help of your family to trust in yourself again. Right now, nothing makes sense to you, your self-worth is at its lowest. Please share it with your family to restore your trust in your own judgement and person.
Any woman that can sleep with her husband’s best friend some few days to her wedding isn’t worth dying for. She has made her choice, if she loved you at all, respected you, no matter what, she wouldn’t have done that to you.
Nothing you say or do can change the reality of that scene you witnessed. This is one fact you must learn to live and deal with. This is that time in one’s life when one has to be very real.
I know how difficult it must be for you to let go of someone you consider so special, someone you have loved for four years, envisions yourself spending the rest of your life with, but you are at that crucial point in your life when you must place side-by-side reality and desire. If you go with what you still feel for her what about all the tomorrows you have ahead of you? What about all the many male friends you will have and still have? Will you be able to ever trust her with any of them?
What about her many male colleagues? Will you be able to accept any of them as just a mere colleague of hers?
Marriage needs more than love to remain whole. It needs plenty of trust and respect. A good and happy marriage also requires loyalty. For a woman, especially, this is not negotiable.
These are all the in between feelings that guarantee a very peaceful home. Once any of these is missing in a marriage, the home becomes a kind of prison. Besides, will your average male ego tolerate knowing that another man could be sleeping with your wife? You may love her, but will that love be able to sustain this kind of betrayal?
Quietly let go of her and your friend because of the delicate nature of a woman who is in love. Wisdom demands caution from you at all level.
As for the issue of her pregnancy, make out time to see her to discuss how you intend to support her during and after the pregnancy.
Frankly, this isn’t the time for you to question the paternity of the unborn child. Since she has fingered you as the father, don’t allow what you witnessed stop you from doing what is right. Plently of time to determine whom the true father of the child is.
Finally, don’t allow this incident destroy your trust in women. See it as God’s way of preventing you from making a costly mistake in life. If you and her were meant to be an item forever, no matter the temptation, she wouldn’t have done what she did. This happened because God wasn’t present in your relationship from the beginning. It is best you lose four years than your entire lifetime of happiness.
One day, when you meet the right woman, you will look to this incident with thanksgiving. Just trust in God and the healing power of time.
Good luck

Let’s talk about true love in colours

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Readers,
Today is Valentine’s Day; that special day in the year when lovers, both old and young, come together to celebrate love.
It is the one day in the year when the chemistry of love overflows its border. Regrettably too, it is also that time of the year when many young girls especially end up with painful memories or unwanted babies. In place of love, many people both young and old now see it as one day to throw caution into the winds and give nature right of way to do as it pleases.
Since becoming a popular celebration in the country, a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas have been wrapped into the celebration. These days, both young and old men hide under the euphoria of the chemistry of the day to do whatever they like without thinking of the repercussion.
Usually at this time of the year, we hold our annual “Just Before Valentine” seminar. But we are unable to organise the programme this year due to the nationwide strike in the month of January.
However, we will discuss some issues that came up at last year’s conference today on this page.
One question the majority of participants asked was the colour of true love.
The subject matter of love remains as confusing as ever. Every age has had to grapple with its convolution; and find an interpretation that makes the theme more graspable to the mass.
But no age has had to battle the kernel of love like the contemporary age due primarily to information and social and cultural pollination. This has naturally caused a quake in the way we react to certain issues. While our native cultures and society defined love as submissiveness to her man and selfrespect on the part of the woman, these days, young men and women have thrown the old order into the dustbin of time. Now, young men insist that love is the woman submitting to their sexual advances on demand. Unlike in the old days when a woman is expected to come untouched to her man on her wedding night, modern boys and girls fast track the process so much so young men at first meeting demand sex from their dates.
Any girl who refuses, is tagged old fashioned and a bad game.
The confusion of the modern age about love is so profound that a lot of young men and women mistake likeness and raw sexual feelings for love. These days, any kind of feeling, that allows a man and woman to sit and talk can be given the appellation of love. Even the desire to have a fling these days can be packaged as love.
Unfortunately, this kind of triviality of the nature of love is what many couples are taking into marriage. the consequences is a caricature of what should be. This lack of understanding of the demands of the marriage institution underscores the daily failure of most contemporary marriages to stand the text of time.
The foundation provided most modern marriages is such that the couples lack the perception that good sex isn’t what a good marriage really needs to survive the attendant turbulence of two strangers coming together to make a home. By all standards, a good marriage must have the kind of shock absorbers to withstand even the most difficult of issues.
But how many relationships or marriages have that kind of absorbers that marriages of the olden days have? How many modern couples or women can endure the hardship that is interwoven into marriages?
There is no denying the essential fact that so many things have gone wrong with our views, value and placement of the marriage institution. A lot of the time, it is discovered that many young couples lack the basic reason they got married in the first place. Some come with the ridiculous reasons of getting married because others are doing it or that age is no more on their side.
Saddly, all these raison d’être come to naught when the real issues of marriage come up. While anybody can get married because others are doing it, the same logic cannot make the marriage work.
A good marriage must be fuelled on qualities that go beyond what a man or woman looks like to the real issues such as adaptability and comprehension of all the things that must first be invested into the relationship.
If intending couples learn from the early stage that marriage is like a business venture, which must first be adequately funded before the profits can roll in, then a lot of young couples will have an idea of what is in stock for them.
Interestingly, there is no deliberate attempt by parents and the society to inculcate the right teachings into the young ones.
Many a time, we surface shine what should be left crude and what we should leave in its rudimentary, we beautify. Doubtless, a lot of young couples will today be interested in that aspect of a relationship we should leave in its raw form. Today, the concentration will be on sex, plently, quick and hot. The value of today has been turned inside out; love has been reduced to just sex. Once a couple is having the best of it, both parties develop the notion of being in love. The next thing is the jingling of wedding bells.
Too late, they realise that good sex alone cannot sustain a good marriage. Actuality peels away every fantasy over such a short time that many wonder why they even agreed to marry their partners.
The elasticity of relationship/marriage needs tolerance borne out of understanding to keep fine tuning. Herein lies the true colour and nature of love. A love that isn’t subjected to the pains of time, cannot endure the many adjustments two people making a life together subject it to isn’t worth going into in the first place.
The true nature of love comes into full bloom only after so much sacrifices have gone into it. This is the kind of love parents bequeath to their children because in their own security, they are able to communicate to their children what shade of true love requires.
Even though the colours of Valentine are bright red and white, in the real sense, the colours of love can become very ugly after the first few days, but with patience will regain its true colours.
Every girl out there today, must remember that not all that glitters is gold. It is the nature of men to come after a woman; it is the duty of the woman to insist on slowing him down to avoid being the prey at the end of the day.
Every girl deserves a chance to be happy; has a right to dream about meeting the right man and falling hopelessly in love. But between the right man and falling in love all sorts of feelings come into play.
Sadly, the lure of the flesh as well as other values that at the end of the day don’t matter are what many girls put place on the market shelf. Without arguments, money is important in a relationship but it doesn’t at the end of the day guarantee happiness.
Ladies, this kind of happiness cannot begin and be concluded on Valentine’s day. It would take several Valentine days for a dating couple to know what they really feel or want from each other. So today, as the love tunes, flowers and chocolates come, young women should refuse to be sucked into the romance mood. It would do them a world of good to listen more to what they are not saying than what they are saying. between what men are saying and not saying, a lot of messages are transmitted. Love isnt just about flowers, romantic songs, eating out or starring into each other’s hearts. To give your feelings for each other character, deeper meaning, look instead into the soul.
Love isnt just a day affair. It is forever. There is no taking its good side without enduring its bad side. Relationships and marriages are failing because true love has been consigned to the dustbin of time. Now, love has turned to a one day affair thing. Two people just meeting for the first time, think it is alright for them to get married on account of that moment of desire.
Therefore the true colours of love are patience, sacrifices, self-restraint, wisdom and self-focus. Without wisdom and patience to look beyond the surface presentation of the person, love will end up becoming painful. It is also important to place side by side one’s own dream, shortfalls alongside the other person’s. This will help in X-raying the kind of sacrifices that await one in such a relationship. It aids one to be prepared for the challenges of making it work at all cost.
This is the ingredient that makes a woman give her all to her boyfriend/husband, makes her accord him all the respect he deserves. Just as it transforms a man to be responsible. The magic of true love is its colour of stability.
Valentine shouldn’t be a day affair. True love deserves to be celebrated every day of our lives.
God bless you all.

My hubby does not refund my money

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Please help me. My husband and I are always having misunderstandings. Anytime I loan him money, he doesn’t like refunding it. He gets very angry when I demand for the money. Even when he promises to pay at the end of the month, he never does.
The latest now is, if I become persistent that he gives me back my money, refusing to be intimidated by his anger, he would eventually give me the money but will end up rejecting my food.
What do I do?
Faith.
Dear Faith,
Be careful and develop the patience to understand the nature of your husband. Marriage goes beyond a man and woman agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together.
It is a combination of all the tiny components of life. We are all a puzzle to each other. What makes you happy, may make another person sad. This is why you must take time out to understand and appreciate the nature of your husband properly.
Since it takes two to tango, you must judiciously examine your own weakness too. This is to enable you place your own limitations side by side with your husband’s and know what to avoid to procure peace in your home.
In the first place, you are not the only one with a husband who doesn’t like refunding money collected from his wife. A lot of women before you have learnt to manage such a situation without it affecting their personal relationship with their husbands.
For your husband to refuse food in his house, it means you must have said one or two uncomplimentary things to him on account of the money he collected from you.  The first thing is for you to ensure, you make peace with him; no matter the extent of your anger, he remains the head of your home and your husband. In some ways, he may be feeling humiliated by your attitude as well as the things you say to him in anger. A lot of times, women say a lot of hurtful things to their husbands when angry.
Most men don’t forget these things easily and store them up to justify whatever actions they later decide on.
Ideally, whatever a woman has belongs to her husband. Therefore, you, the money you are getting angry with him over, technically belong to him. If for whatever reason he is refusing to give you back the money, there are always ways women, through the ages, have recovered or made money from their husbands.
No matter how stingy a man is, there are ways a woman can make money from him, no matter how little.
As for the actual money he usually borrows from you, instead of always fighting him over it, ensure you give only the money you can afford not to miss. This way, if he doesn’t give it back to you, you will not make a scene or nag him into giving it to you.
The best way to handle this kind of issue in a marriage is to see it as your own contribution to the home. Whatever happens set aside a small sum of money every month to give him when he asks for assistance from you. That he is a man and your husband doesn’t mean he won’t always need help from you.
You, being the closest to him, become his first point of call. If he was your friend, sibling or a member of your extended family, would you insist on getting back such money? Do you expect him to go outside his home if you have to give him? He is coming to you because he knows you can afford to give him.
Part of the problem here is your refusal to let him know what you can afford to give and what you cannot afford to part with. Most couples have the challenge of discussing the state of their finances with their partners. From what is happening, it is obvious that there is a blank page on your individual finances. Both of you have to sit down to thrash out this knotty issue of how much you each have, what you are both willing to share, as well as what you are keeping for yourselves.
As a woman, you may have freedom to do as you like with all your money but as a wife and mother, wisdom demands that you shift grounds a little to make your home conducive for everyone concerned.
It will also help your home if you make it your business to find out what the real challenges are with your husband’s finances. Something must be wrong somewhere for him to be coming to you at intervals for a loan. As a wife, you should ask if there is an issue he should share with you; let him know you are asking because you are concerned and want to help him all you can.
For all you know, his salary may not be enough to meet his side of the responsibility at home but maybe too proud to tell you anything.
However, your concern may make him open up to you, tell you precisely the situation of his finances as well as areas you can help him.  Unless you make up your mind to confront the issue once and for all, you will continue to feel bad at his apparent refusal to refund your money.
Therefore rather than nag and cause a disharmony in your home, pleasantly encourage him to discuss with you. At this juncture too, you may have to evaluate your own attitude to money.
Granted that his duty is to look after you but we all know that given the global economic meltdown, a lot of women have to step in to help their homes maintain financial equilibrium. It is just a matter of knowing which one would work for your home. Once you both are able to come clear with how much you each make at the end of the month, the next thing you should do is to share responsibilities. If you have done that before now, the discussion will help you determine whether your husband needs more help in meeting up with his responsibilities.  It isn’t always enough to assume he earns a salary, hence has more than enough to play around with. The distribution of his salary may leave him with nothing at the end of the day. Don’t assume he has money and not willing to give it to you. Make the attempt to know what he is going through as a man and your husband.
Then, there are some men who simply don’t see any wrong in not returning money taken from their wives. They are not doing it to spite the woman rather they see such money as an extension of their own money. The woman in this kind of marriage has to learn to make allowances for such a man to avoid constant quarrels at home.
Go to your husband and beg for understanding as well as forgiveness for the way you handled the issue of the money you loaned him. The urgent issue now is getting him interested in eating your food again. There is no way you can discuss the issue at hand without getting past this first. This is because a lot of trust has been damaged. You must be ready to make that sacrifice that will protect your marriage from going down the drain.
Begging him would help make up for some of the things that got him angry. It is only after you have succeeded in getting back in his good books that you should discuss the way forward in your finances.
Also, learn to pray. It makes it easy for couples to take responsibility for their individual actions.
Good luck.