I’m Too Shy Discussing With A Lady

Dear Agatha,

I really need your help to get married. I am the first son of my family and they are putting pressure on me to get married soon. I don’t know what to say to a lady. I want to have a relationship now that I am passing through this phase in my life to help me determine who truly cares for me.

Shy Man.

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Dear Shy Man,

There are no hard and fast rules on the proper way to approach a lady but one mistake you must never do is to tell a woman you are just meeting for the first time that you love her. For a serious minded woman, it portrays the man as shallow, unserious and without a focus in life. It is a great turn-off for a woman looking for a serious minded man.

Most women aren’t impressed with a man who says such things to her because it also makes her appear cheap and frivolous.

Once you are able to avoid that mistake many men are making, you may not find it too difficult to talk to a woman as a friend. Offer a woman friendship on your first contact, tell her there is something natural about her that makes you want to be her friend, nothing more.

As friends, you have the rare opportunity of observing each other and taking mental notes of things you like and don’t as well as those things you can cope and can’t tolerate.

Friendship makes it absolutely easy for two people to talk about themselves frankly since true friends are not known to keep secrets from the other.

Also desist from trying to impress. Let the object of your desire see you for who you are by being your natural self. This way you help breach the gap of resistance women put up when they are being approached for a relationship.

Speak in the tongue you are accustomed to, the quality of English you speak everyday as well as the intelligence you have. There is no better combination that beats being natural and confident as a man.

Good luck.

I Suspect Her Love Isn’t Real

Dear Agatha,

I am a graduate of accounting and currently doing the compulsory national service. I have had series of relationships since I finished my secondary school, but never seriously until my final year in the university when I met a second year student and rightly told her I needed a relationship that would eventually end in marriage. She agreed.

Now I am 31 while she is 23. There is no contesting the fact that I love this girl but I discovered she has been telling me lies about her past relationship.

I am convinced she is into other relationships because she felt very reluctant accepting it the engagement ring I gave her last month. She eventually accepted it.

Do I collect my ring back from her since I noticed she is into another serious relationship? Please, help me because this is giving me a lot of concern.

Kelly.

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Dear Kelly,

One of the worst sins anyone can commit in a relationship is to accuse the other of something which doesn’t exist. Are you sure your imagination isn’t playing games with you based on what you feel is going on and not what you know for sure is true?

Many a time, many of us make the mistake of mind reading the thoughts, actions and coming up with conclusions that we think are the right answers. Unfortunately the problem with trying to second-guess the thoughts of others is that we end up not only with the wrong end of the stick but also hurting someone who really cares about us in the process.

You are not God, hence you cannot tell what is on the mind of this girl. Even if you have your suspicions, it is best you confront her about your suspicions and give her the opportunity of defending herself against whatever allegation you may have come up with.

It is only after hearing her side of the story - why she behaved in a particular way before you can take a decisive action against her.

Again before you can promise any woman marriage ensure you are both compatible and that you know the character of the person woman well enough to offer a space in your life. What for instance do you know about this particular girl to warrant you giving her a ring?

If eventually it turns out she has been cheating on you, it shows that you know next to nothing about her nature before making the decision to marry her. You don’t just met a girl or a man and within seconds of your first meeting begin a discussion about marriage. It shows the shallowness and contempt in which that person holds the marriage institution.

Friendship should be canvassed first before any talk about marriage is initiated to avoid the kind of problem you are having now. Even when you know within you that you have the desire to marry a particular girl, give each other the benefit of time to understudy yourselves as well as acquit yourselves with the temperament of each other. Sometimes it is also beneficial for some tests to be thrown into the bargain. A couple must always be able to determine how far they can go with each other as well as how well the other person can be trusted in rough times. Remember nobody goes in for an examination or interview without adequate preparations. The marriage institution requires more than the ordinary preparations we all put up when writing an examination because it is one institution one isn’t expected to graduate from. The examiner never goes away, it is always there scoring and compiling our grades everyday. Those who cannot keep up either end up in divorce or remain very disenchanted with the whole process of marriage.

Only a platform of unquestionable friendship can make it happen for a couple in genuine quest to end up as an item. No matter how desperate you are to have a woman in your life, always allow time to help mould your characters. Age is only to enable us plan our lives properly not to pressurise us into a situation that should have been approached with the wisdom of God.

Only confrontation can help both of you clear the air of mistrust currently enveloping this relationship. Demand to know why she has told you all the lies about her past relationship as well as the assurance that your judgment of her begins from the day you both met. Remember you also come with a past, some aspects you may also not be pleased with. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands at all times.

Good luck.