With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say a very big thank you for all the wonderful ways you have been pulling broken hearts together.
I met this young lady and we started as friends but as time would have it, I fell in love with her and I decided to ask her out for a lifelong relationship. But she started acting funny. Some other time she would simply tell me she’s sorry. And without hesitation, I would forgive her.
But mostly she hurts me by telling me she prefers to have men just as friends. When I decide to end everything, she turns around to say all the other guys have at one time or the other asked her out.
Agatha, I love her with every thing in me and if I ask her if she feels the same about me, she’ll turn it to a joke. But the amazing thing is that, sometimes she’ll be more serious than I am. We have been going out for about a year now.
Not too long ago she told me she loves me and would like to spend the rest of her life with me, but we should give ourselves space. When I asked her why, she did not give me any reasonable answer. And while we were together her phone rang, the caller was a man. Hence she didn’t want to answer it because I was there. We ended up quarrelling over the incident. When I called her for us to reconcile, she said I have to apologise to the guy first, else it was over between us.
Agatha, please help me. How do I resolve this issue once and for all?
Kingsley.
Dear Kingsley,
You can resolve this issue once and for all by being bold. Face the reality of the situation; you can force a horse to the river, but you cannot force it to drink water.
It is either you both have a relationship or you don’t have. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life. Asking you to apologise to this man as precondition for her coming back to you is completely out of the question. Even if you jumped to the wrong conclusions about the nature of her relationship with this man, it is out of place to peg her acceptance of your apology on apologising to the man too.
No matter what you have done, she should protect your dignity as her man before others. That she is willing to expose you to the scorn and humiliation of begging another man before she can listen to what you have to say shows that she has very little regards for your feelings.
Still make the attempt to make up with her to erase every doubt from your mind. But if she insists that until you do as she has demanded, let go. In the first place there appears to be no relationship, at least from her end. What you have just done in the last one year is to run in circles.
Use the opportunity provided by this situation to revaluate your closeness to her. Begin by asking yourself if she is a must for you. Honestly, you won’t know until you actually think about it in terms of the value she has added into your life. The quality of happiness she has given you as well as fulfilment she has given you in terms of support she has given you.
Relationship is more than romance. It is what complements us as human beings. The right kind of relationship can bring very positive transformation into one’s life. With the right kind of support, a man and woman can achieve what was once considered impossible. This is the potency of a good relationship.
If you are still struggling after one year with her to find the key, get her to respond to you in the right way, trust and respect you, a lot is very wrong. Chances are you won’t ever get it right with her unless you embrace the truth of this situation. Give it back to her; insist if she wants to stay with you she should also learn to accord you the respect you deserve.
Good luck.
Monday, April 18, 2011
I posed as my wife to her ex on Facebook
Marriage Clinic with Auntie Agatha, Email address; gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel;08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need your help. I live abroad and met my wife in Nigeria through my elder brother who was in the same class with her. I started speaking to her on the phone and we agreed that we would stop whatever relationship we were into to give us a chance to bond.
I kept my promise but she didn’t. I flew to Nigeria to meet her and conclude if we can get married to each other or not. We finally married and I took her to England within a year.
In England, I demanded to know if she actually kept her side of the bargain to terminate whatever relationship she was into before we started dating. She said she did but something deep inside my mind told me she didn’t.
I then asked her for the name of her ex- boyfriend and she told me. I established a link with this ex on Facebook posing as my wife. Since he thought it was my wife, he didn’t hold anything back from our conversation. I subtly asked him about the last night they had sex and he told me everything.
I then confronted my wife with the information I got from her ex. It was at that point that she told me what happened between them. She opened up that she had sex with him on the last night she left school. She said she actually kept to her side of the bargain but didn’t know what came over her when they had sex. She claimed that even though there was already penetration, she terminated the entire thing when she realised the implication of what she was doing.
What hurt me most is that I was waiting and calling her that night and she was busy having sex with another man. I’m really upset about her betrayal. I had planned to divorce her but she is really good and we have one child now.
I do not trust her but I wish to build the trust back. Each time I make the attempt to, that incident flashes through my mind and I get highly upset. I take everything she tells me now with a pinch of salt.
She has apologised many times but I can’t forget that. I have tried to forget but still find myself in serious pain.
I need to forgive but do not know how to or do I divorce her?
Kindly answer me before I do something I would regret later.
Husband.
Dear Husband,
Since she got married to you, has she done anything to make you regret ever marrying her? Have you caught her in any compromising situation with any other man?
From your admission, she is a good woman. What every married man needs is a good and respectful woman. I am sure she won’t be in your house till now if you found her to be anything less than what she is.
What happened between her ex and her is in the past. At the time you both agreed to terminate whatever relationships you were both into, she hadn’t met you; didn’t know if you were serious; was afraid of what would happen if you end up changing your mind about her.
You could have met another woman through the same process you met her. It was easy for you because as the man, you had made up your mind about marrying her. Although there was an agreement between the two of you then, she wasn’t quite sure about your sincerity hence the need for her to hold on to the reality of her now ex.
Yes, she should have trusted you enough to let go of her ex, but was afraid of being left in the cold judging by the experiences of other women whose men went abroad and never looked back.
For the simple reason that you don’t have her experiences, don’t know what her friends and close ones whose boyfriends left them and went abroad experienced, do find it in your heart to forgive her.
At the time you were promising her marriage, she didn’t know how serious you were given that fact that the woman in your life may not want to let go of you easily.
If you want to enjoy this marriage, allow it to remain in the past. You and I have pasts we are not proud of and wish we could rewrite. That she has kept apologising means she is really sorry for misjudging you as well as not trusting you enough when you started. That you know about this flaw doesn’t make you the saint and she the villain. If you are honest enough with yourself, you will discover a cupboard in your time bank that you don’t want anyone to ever discover because its content are so shameful.
The best way to forget her seeming betrayal is quantify the amount of happiness she has given you since coming into your life. Also think of the repercussion of you divorcing her on your child. If you didn’t find the idea of sleeping with her and having a baby together repulsive, then whatever it is you feel isn’t as fundamental as you are advertising it. You only feel this bad because his identity is known to you through Facebook. Frankly, you shouldn’t have gone to that extent because what one doesn’t know, usually doesn’t hurt.
How would you feel if she exhumes the memory of your ex from the closed cupboard you have kept it? By pretending to be her on facebook, you opened yourself up for pains and humiliation. There are certain things in life, one ignores for one’s peace of mind.
Since you didn’t meet her a virgin, it means she has had other men in her life just like you have had other women in your life. Do yourself a world of good by ignoring the past. Begin your assessment of her from the time you met and paid her bride price.
You must also realise that forgiveness isn’t complete without forgetting the event. Without you making a conscious effort at forgetting the issues of that night, you will never be able to completely forgive her.
Real forgiveness requires a deliberate effort because it demands something we aren’t always willing to give. There is no way you can trust her or build confidence in your marriage if you keep nursing this wound of betrayal forever.
This is the time for you and your wife to connect, build the memorials, inculcate the right values in your marriage and leave your children with a legacy to grow with.
Every day of our lives is a gift from God and the only way we can justify this grace is to learn to forgive our loved ones. She is the closest person to you in life by virtue of her role as your wife. If you continue to entertain ill feelings towards her, it means you don’t like yourself at all.
If you cannot trust the woman who cooks for you, attends to your emotional needs and who is the mother of your child, then something is very wrong somewhere and means you have a major problem of letting go.
To help you do a good job of leading your home aright, ask God for help in erasing the memory of this incident from your mind. You can only appreciate her good qualities after you have expunged from your mind this unpleasant memory.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need your help. I live abroad and met my wife in Nigeria through my elder brother who was in the same class with her. I started speaking to her on the phone and we agreed that we would stop whatever relationship we were into to give us a chance to bond.
I kept my promise but she didn’t. I flew to Nigeria to meet her and conclude if we can get married to each other or not. We finally married and I took her to England within a year.
In England, I demanded to know if she actually kept her side of the bargain to terminate whatever relationship she was into before we started dating. She said she did but something deep inside my mind told me she didn’t.
I then asked her for the name of her ex- boyfriend and she told me. I established a link with this ex on Facebook posing as my wife. Since he thought it was my wife, he didn’t hold anything back from our conversation. I subtly asked him about the last night they had sex and he told me everything.
I then confronted my wife with the information I got from her ex. It was at that point that she told me what happened between them. She opened up that she had sex with him on the last night she left school. She said she actually kept to her side of the bargain but didn’t know what came over her when they had sex. She claimed that even though there was already penetration, she terminated the entire thing when she realised the implication of what she was doing.
What hurt me most is that I was waiting and calling her that night and she was busy having sex with another man. I’m really upset about her betrayal. I had planned to divorce her but she is really good and we have one child now.
I do not trust her but I wish to build the trust back. Each time I make the attempt to, that incident flashes through my mind and I get highly upset. I take everything she tells me now with a pinch of salt.
She has apologised many times but I can’t forget that. I have tried to forget but still find myself in serious pain.
I need to forgive but do not know how to or do I divorce her?
Kindly answer me before I do something I would regret later.
Husband.
Dear Husband,
Since she got married to you, has she done anything to make you regret ever marrying her? Have you caught her in any compromising situation with any other man?
From your admission, she is a good woman. What every married man needs is a good and respectful woman. I am sure she won’t be in your house till now if you found her to be anything less than what she is.
What happened between her ex and her is in the past. At the time you both agreed to terminate whatever relationships you were both into, she hadn’t met you; didn’t know if you were serious; was afraid of what would happen if you end up changing your mind about her.
You could have met another woman through the same process you met her. It was easy for you because as the man, you had made up your mind about marrying her. Although there was an agreement between the two of you then, she wasn’t quite sure about your sincerity hence the need for her to hold on to the reality of her now ex.
Yes, she should have trusted you enough to let go of her ex, but was afraid of being left in the cold judging by the experiences of other women whose men went abroad and never looked back.
For the simple reason that you don’t have her experiences, don’t know what her friends and close ones whose boyfriends left them and went abroad experienced, do find it in your heart to forgive her.
At the time you were promising her marriage, she didn’t know how serious you were given that fact that the woman in your life may not want to let go of you easily.
If you want to enjoy this marriage, allow it to remain in the past. You and I have pasts we are not proud of and wish we could rewrite. That she has kept apologising means she is really sorry for misjudging you as well as not trusting you enough when you started. That you know about this flaw doesn’t make you the saint and she the villain. If you are honest enough with yourself, you will discover a cupboard in your time bank that you don’t want anyone to ever discover because its content are so shameful.
The best way to forget her seeming betrayal is quantify the amount of happiness she has given you since coming into your life. Also think of the repercussion of you divorcing her on your child. If you didn’t find the idea of sleeping with her and having a baby together repulsive, then whatever it is you feel isn’t as fundamental as you are advertising it. You only feel this bad because his identity is known to you through Facebook. Frankly, you shouldn’t have gone to that extent because what one doesn’t know, usually doesn’t hurt.
How would you feel if she exhumes the memory of your ex from the closed cupboard you have kept it? By pretending to be her on facebook, you opened yourself up for pains and humiliation. There are certain things in life, one ignores for one’s peace of mind.
Since you didn’t meet her a virgin, it means she has had other men in her life just like you have had other women in your life. Do yourself a world of good by ignoring the past. Begin your assessment of her from the time you met and paid her bride price.
You must also realise that forgiveness isn’t complete without forgetting the event. Without you making a conscious effort at forgetting the issues of that night, you will never be able to completely forgive her.
Real forgiveness requires a deliberate effort because it demands something we aren’t always willing to give. There is no way you can trust her or build confidence in your marriage if you keep nursing this wound of betrayal forever.
This is the time for you and your wife to connect, build the memorials, inculcate the right values in your marriage and leave your children with a legacy to grow with.
Every day of our lives is a gift from God and the only way we can justify this grace is to learn to forgive our loved ones. She is the closest person to you in life by virtue of her role as your wife. If you continue to entertain ill feelings towards her, it means you don’t like yourself at all.
If you cannot trust the woman who cooks for you, attends to your emotional needs and who is the mother of your child, then something is very wrong somewhere and means you have a major problem of letting go.
To help you do a good job of leading your home aright, ask God for help in erasing the memory of this incident from your mind. You can only appreciate her good qualities after you have expunged from your mind this unpleasant memory.
Good luck.
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