With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, I was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should I tell him the truth and lose him or I should keep the secret to myself? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, I decided to pair your letter up with this other letter to give you the benefit of more information of the issues involved in your letter. Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t pre-empted sex would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man, that is if you are really serious about marrying him, is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he were matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after you started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is whether it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation.
Good luck.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
She plays around
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Hard to know girl who is in love
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
He cheats on me habitually
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
How do I tell my pregnant mistress I’m married?
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married, but things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children; provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband.
Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truths about the mess you put yourself and your family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. She feels in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if you the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she get to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, anger and the tension at home there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way this woman has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife had made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but a different ball game to be infected with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarrassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life won’t allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.
Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married, but things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children; provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband.
Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truths about the mess you put yourself and your family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. She feels in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if you the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she get to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, anger and the tension at home there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way this woman has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife had made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but a different ball game to be infected with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarrassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life won’t allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Being a single mother makes me sick…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of painful circumstances and repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all also abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body.
Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of the bitter experiences of this life.
My child is now 13 years and he has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence. My problem is that I do not know how to guide and direct him.
Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream?
Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, playing the roles of father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step-by-step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at this stage in his life?
I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years. This is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person. The only people I see around me are not to be trusted. Usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, you would notice that they do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient.
I have been starving emotionally. I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with.
I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me. But I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office.
I feel so scared, so insecure, I often feel my heart beat faster and I get shocked at every little thing.
I really want to have a man of my own. I want to get married but only to the right man. But the way things are going now I don’t know what to expect. Supposing the right man is not forthcoming, how do I handle the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life?
Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there, being the only parent he has. Still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all are becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know.
Ese
Dear Ese,
There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder given the experiences you have been through and what you are currently going through.
Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life.
Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past.
Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of ill treatment against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a lot of women experience this abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted showed that he is not a strange face; he is somebody you know and can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish.
That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. If you had reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of those painful memories of those years. I appreciate it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son, but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts.
Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is that you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has.
But for get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding, and love to get his complete trust and compassion.
A child is what parents, especially mothers, make of him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair, but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child.
There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to spell out to him that you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more a child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you.
This child is becoming insecure by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears – that of losing you and all the security that goes with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep.
Granted, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways of letting go.
Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother, but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself.
You have a choice to either agree to the demands of these men and lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son.
Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the midst of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day.
Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours, which the people involved have managed successfully.
If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to bring a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences, which are today helping others to be happy.
There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. More often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you.
Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our underwear. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you, because after a while the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you.
Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in to his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth.
Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you.
Support him so that he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love.
Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half-truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend.
Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier.
To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend, which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him.
We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies. At every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to.
Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed.
Good luck.
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Dear Agatha,
I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of painful circumstances and repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all also abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body.
Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of the bitter experiences of this life.
My child is now 13 years and he has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence. My problem is that I do not know how to guide and direct him.
Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream?
Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, playing the roles of father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step-by-step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at this stage in his life?
I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years. This is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person. The only people I see around me are not to be trusted. Usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, you would notice that they do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient.
I have been starving emotionally. I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with.
I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me. But I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office.
I feel so scared, so insecure, I often feel my heart beat faster and I get shocked at every little thing.
I really want to have a man of my own. I want to get married but only to the right man. But the way things are going now I don’t know what to expect. Supposing the right man is not forthcoming, how do I handle the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life?
Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there, being the only parent he has. Still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all are becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know.
Ese
Dear Ese,
There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder given the experiences you have been through and what you are currently going through.
Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life.
Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past.
Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of ill treatment against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a lot of women experience this abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted showed that he is not a strange face; he is somebody you know and can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish.
That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. If you had reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of those painful memories of those years. I appreciate it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son, but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts.
Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is that you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has.
But for get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding, and love to get his complete trust and compassion.
A child is what parents, especially mothers, make of him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair, but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child.
There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to spell out to him that you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more a child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you.
This child is becoming insecure by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears – that of losing you and all the security that goes with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep.
Granted, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways of letting go.
Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother, but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself.
You have a choice to either agree to the demands of these men and lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son.
Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the midst of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day.
Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours, which the people involved have managed successfully.
If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to bring a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences, which are today helping others to be happy.
There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. More often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you.
Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our underwear. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you, because after a while the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you.
Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in to his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth.
Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you.
Support him so that he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love.
Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half-truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend.
Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier.
To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend, which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him.
We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies. At every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to.
Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed.
Good luck.
government,politics news,politics news,politics
Double dating, all I get for the love he professes…
With Auntie Agathagataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a student. There is this problem, which is really eating me up. I have been in a relationship with this guy since my second year in Junior Secondary School (JSS2).
When we started, we were so much in love with each other and very close. But, he now feels I am his worst enemy because of another girl who is about 20 years of old.
Recently, he called to offer the Olive branch –peace. He said he has made up his mind to come back to me because of my dedication to him when he didn’t have anything. After this, he begged for my forgiveness and asked me to allow him make love to me as evidence of my forgiveness. I did.
To my pains as well as surprise, he hasn’t bothered to call me since then. Instead of the reconciliation he promised me, I see him everywhere with the other girl.
If this is painful, his refusal to let go of me is what baffles me the more. He engages any man he sees with me in physcial fight.
He knows I love him very much. We have been together for eight years. Please tell me what to do since I am without a clue as to how to handle him.
Worried Girlfriend.
Dear Worried Girlfriend,
Evidently, your boyfriend is bent on playing games with your heart and life. You have come to a crossroad in your relationship where you must look back, evaluate it vis-Ã -vis the plans you have for yourself in the future.
The kind of relationship one has, more often than not determines the quality of life that person would have in the future. This is because every relationship is premised on emotions. And once one’s emotion is torn into pieces, it becomes difficult for such a person to concentrate on whatever he or she is doing.
For this simple reason, you must do everything within your powers to protect your dreams. Every man or woman needs a supportive partner at every turn in life.
It takes two to tangle very well. Doubtless, you are in love with him but is he in love with you? No man who is in love with a woman would treat her the way he is treating you. Coming on the pretense of making up with you, only to leave you again after sleeping with you doesn’t make him out as a man who cares about what or how you feel. The issue here goes beyond his new girlfriend or the men he is trying to prevent from coming to you. It is a lot deeper than that.
From what you have said about him, he is selfish and very self-centred. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life to grow into a success story. His kind leaves women emotionally dry. He will only take from you and not give you anything back in return.
Even though you have been together for eight years, you are far from knowing his person. When you met him at JSS2, you were not only naïve but also fresh – a young unsoiled girl. Being the first with you was an ego thing for him. While you invested love, saw a knight in shinning armour, he saw a pleasure pot and if you are not careful, get real with yourself, you will continue to be his pleasure toy until he completely gets tired of you. This is why he doesn’t want anybody near you, fight every man who comes close to you just to ensure he can go and come into your life as he pleases.
He doesn’t want you to experience love with another man. He knows that once you find a man who shows you what true love really is, you will never have him back. Therefore, he is using his knowledge of your mind, body and emotions to play you like a puppet.
If you don’t resist him, it would be completely difficult as the years go by.
Nobody can give you the kind of strength and determination to resist him. Your strenght of character lies in your dream as a young woman determined to take her place in history. Your key to freedom from this man is your dream. Call his bluff and tell him you are through with him. Let him know you are no robot or too weak where he is concerned; that like him you have feelings as well as the fact that only a man who respects you deserves your love.
Refuse to be cowed into submission. As long as he has the freedom to advertise his new relationship, he no longer has any right over you. Just like him, you now have the freedom to look for happiness elsewhere.
Granted, it may hurt you to do this given the fact that you are deeply in love with him, but if you don’t begin to fight for your freedom, this man, even if he marries you in future will never give you the kind of respect you deserve. Doubtless, love must be patient for it to grow but this is only applicable if the person one is in love with, has demonstrated commitment as well as semblance of respect. Being in love isn’t the same thing as being stupid. The day, he tricked you into going to bed with him after he has left you for the other girl is the day he finally demonstrated the kind of feelings he has always had for you. This problem is that you were and still too much in love to see him for who he truly is.
No right thinking man parades another woman to the knowledge of the woman in his life.
Even if you both would make up later, fight and earn your respect from him. For now, try as much as possible to put him and your feelings on the back burner. You just must find your power to move away from this point this relationship has put you.
The fresh air would do you a word of good, as it would afford you the opportunity of getting to know who you really are. For eight years, you have put yourself under the shadow of this man, agreeing to everything and not knowing what you are capable of. You went into this relationship when you didn’t know what a relationship was all about.
There is no denying the fact that you have also made some mistakes in your eight years together. The time has come to go back to the drawing board, take a trip down memory lane, be objective in assessing this relationship. This way, it would be easy for you to own up to your mistakes as well as developing the right frame of mind to learn from these slip-ups.
It will also inform you on how to handle yourself and relationship in future.
Such exercises also have the ability of helping one deal with the inadequacies in the other person. For one to understand the shortcomings of another person, such a person must first come to reality with his or her own inadequacies.
At this point, be thankful that you are not continuing with his relationship with your eyes closed. If nothing, you at least know the kind of man you are dealing with as well as his definition of love.
If at the end of the day, you decide to end this relationship, take extra time to heal. True healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual. Take each day as it comes. This way, the healing would be more effective because once you are healed for that day; you won’t have to deal with the issues again. For now, it is best you don’t go into any relationship to enable you have a focus of the direction you want to sail the ship of your life.
It is important you have a dream of your own. It is the only way you can be a complete woman later in life.
Go into a relationship only when you are ready for it and not before. Don’t do it to spite this man, and more importantly don’t hold any grudge against him. If you do, it might be difficult to get your new relationship right because of the extra burden of the past you would be bringing into the relationship.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a student. There is this problem, which is really eating me up. I have been in a relationship with this guy since my second year in Junior Secondary School (JSS2).
When we started, we were so much in love with each other and very close. But, he now feels I am his worst enemy because of another girl who is about 20 years of old.
Recently, he called to offer the Olive branch –peace. He said he has made up his mind to come back to me because of my dedication to him when he didn’t have anything. After this, he begged for my forgiveness and asked me to allow him make love to me as evidence of my forgiveness. I did.
To my pains as well as surprise, he hasn’t bothered to call me since then. Instead of the reconciliation he promised me, I see him everywhere with the other girl.
If this is painful, his refusal to let go of me is what baffles me the more. He engages any man he sees with me in physcial fight.
He knows I love him very much. We have been together for eight years. Please tell me what to do since I am without a clue as to how to handle him.
Worried Girlfriend.
Dear Worried Girlfriend,
Evidently, your boyfriend is bent on playing games with your heart and life. You have come to a crossroad in your relationship where you must look back, evaluate it vis-Ã -vis the plans you have for yourself in the future.
The kind of relationship one has, more often than not determines the quality of life that person would have in the future. This is because every relationship is premised on emotions. And once one’s emotion is torn into pieces, it becomes difficult for such a person to concentrate on whatever he or she is doing.
For this simple reason, you must do everything within your powers to protect your dreams. Every man or woman needs a supportive partner at every turn in life.
It takes two to tangle very well. Doubtless, you are in love with him but is he in love with you? No man who is in love with a woman would treat her the way he is treating you. Coming on the pretense of making up with you, only to leave you again after sleeping with you doesn’t make him out as a man who cares about what or how you feel. The issue here goes beyond his new girlfriend or the men he is trying to prevent from coming to you. It is a lot deeper than that.
From what you have said about him, he is selfish and very self-centred. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life to grow into a success story. His kind leaves women emotionally dry. He will only take from you and not give you anything back in return.
Even though you have been together for eight years, you are far from knowing his person. When you met him at JSS2, you were not only naïve but also fresh – a young unsoiled girl. Being the first with you was an ego thing for him. While you invested love, saw a knight in shinning armour, he saw a pleasure pot and if you are not careful, get real with yourself, you will continue to be his pleasure toy until he completely gets tired of you. This is why he doesn’t want anybody near you, fight every man who comes close to you just to ensure he can go and come into your life as he pleases.
He doesn’t want you to experience love with another man. He knows that once you find a man who shows you what true love really is, you will never have him back. Therefore, he is using his knowledge of your mind, body and emotions to play you like a puppet.
If you don’t resist him, it would be completely difficult as the years go by.
Nobody can give you the kind of strength and determination to resist him. Your strenght of character lies in your dream as a young woman determined to take her place in history. Your key to freedom from this man is your dream. Call his bluff and tell him you are through with him. Let him know you are no robot or too weak where he is concerned; that like him you have feelings as well as the fact that only a man who respects you deserves your love.
Refuse to be cowed into submission. As long as he has the freedom to advertise his new relationship, he no longer has any right over you. Just like him, you now have the freedom to look for happiness elsewhere.
Granted, it may hurt you to do this given the fact that you are deeply in love with him, but if you don’t begin to fight for your freedom, this man, even if he marries you in future will never give you the kind of respect you deserve. Doubtless, love must be patient for it to grow but this is only applicable if the person one is in love with, has demonstrated commitment as well as semblance of respect. Being in love isn’t the same thing as being stupid. The day, he tricked you into going to bed with him after he has left you for the other girl is the day he finally demonstrated the kind of feelings he has always had for you. This problem is that you were and still too much in love to see him for who he truly is.
No right thinking man parades another woman to the knowledge of the woman in his life.
Even if you both would make up later, fight and earn your respect from him. For now, try as much as possible to put him and your feelings on the back burner. You just must find your power to move away from this point this relationship has put you.
The fresh air would do you a word of good, as it would afford you the opportunity of getting to know who you really are. For eight years, you have put yourself under the shadow of this man, agreeing to everything and not knowing what you are capable of. You went into this relationship when you didn’t know what a relationship was all about.
There is no denying the fact that you have also made some mistakes in your eight years together. The time has come to go back to the drawing board, take a trip down memory lane, be objective in assessing this relationship. This way, it would be easy for you to own up to your mistakes as well as developing the right frame of mind to learn from these slip-ups.
It will also inform you on how to handle yourself and relationship in future.
Such exercises also have the ability of helping one deal with the inadequacies in the other person. For one to understand the shortcomings of another person, such a person must first come to reality with his or her own inadequacies.
At this point, be thankful that you are not continuing with his relationship with your eyes closed. If nothing, you at least know the kind of man you are dealing with as well as his definition of love.
If at the end of the day, you decide to end this relationship, take extra time to heal. True healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual. Take each day as it comes. This way, the healing would be more effective because once you are healed for that day; you won’t have to deal with the issues again. For now, it is best you don’t go into any relationship to enable you have a focus of the direction you want to sail the ship of your life.
It is important you have a dream of your own. It is the only way you can be a complete woman later in life.
Go into a relationship only when you are ready for it and not before. Don’t do it to spite this man, and more importantly don’t hold any grudge against him. If you do, it might be difficult to get your new relationship right because of the extra burden of the past you would be bringing into the relationship.
Good luck.
Is it proper to tell her of my love?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your urgent assistance.
There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart.
You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious.
She’s the type of what I have always prayed for.
However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart.
Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me.
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman.
Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal.
She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends.
In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not.
Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you.
However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less.
As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your urgent assistance.
There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart.
You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious.
She’s the type of what I have always prayed for.
However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart.
Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me.
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman.
Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal.
She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends.
In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not.
Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you.
However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less.
As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God.
Good luck.
Doubt if I fathered this baby
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I met my wife in 2004. Shortly after our meeting she told me she was pregnant. As a result of the pregnancy she moved into my house.
I decided to see her parents to do the normal thing.
In the process of doing that she announced she was again pregnant. At this point, I suspected a foul play. And when the baby came, the second child, it bore no semblance of me. But I kept quiet.
I am however thinking of paying her bride price in April but almost every member of my family is against it, because they are of the opinion that the child isn’t mine. The child lacks any semblance of me.
Before I met her, she already had a child for someone else, something I regard as a mistake.
With what I have observed about the baby, what can I do to prove the paternity of the child? Besides this is the problem she is having with my family members. What can I do?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
What gives you the impression other than the fact that the baby doesn’t look like you that the mother of your child is cheating on you? Must all babies take after their fathers to be accepted by their paternal family?
Much as you have every right in the world to pursue the matter to a logical conclusion, this is a very delicate matter you must have to handle with all the maturity in the world. You have to have sufficient evidences to question the paternity of a child. You don’t condemn a child’s entire future or that of the its mother on account of the baby not taking after you in terms of physical appearance.
A lot depends on who among the two of you have the stronger gene. If the woman has the dominant gene, the children are most likely to take after her own side of the family in physical looks. It doesn’t make them less your children or lacking in any of your quality. A child can take after its mother or father side of the family in terms of look. To condemn its mother on account of this as being unfaithful is not only unfair to the woman but also to the baby as well. What excuse would you give the child in future if you are told you as the father needed the assurances of the medical science to accept responsibility for its existence?
If your position as well of that of your family is informed by the fact that she already had a child for someone else and on the basis of that cannot be trusted to stay faithful, discussing your fears with her is more ideal than subjecting her to the emotional trauma of your suspicion and lack of faith in her. Unless you have a pressing reason to doubt her, this would destroy whatever chance of happiness you have together.
Marriage isn’t about what your family wants but about you being happy. Are you happy with this woman? That she doesn’t get on with your family isn’t the same thing as she not getting on with you. Both of you have lived together for at least more than a year. What have you on your own discovered about her? Does she have some of the qualities you have always wanted in a woman? Besides what your family thinks about her, what do you think about her? Irrespective of what they think, your decision concerning her is final if you think she has what it takes to make you happy.
And if you noticed anything unwholesome about her character, did you at anytime discuss anything with her? Did you draw her attention to it or simply wait for your family to support whatever suspicion you have to stop whatever plans making permanent your relationship with her?
There is also the issue of the interest of those children to consider. Assuming you are right in your suspicion that the second child isn’t yours, what about the first one? What would happen to that child? Who will care for the child? These are issues you have to deeply reflect on before arriving at whatever conclusions you desire.
The fact that got pregnant immediately after the first doesn’t make her guilty of any crime. Did you not make love to her within the period? Did you use any form of protection? For some women, pregnancy could occur in the first month after delivery. That she got pregnant almost immediately after the birth of her first child doesn’t make her guilty of anything. She has no power to determine the way her body works. Her body is functioning at the level God designed it to.
If you however feel you still want to go ahead with your decision to prove the paternity of the child, through Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA), go and see your doctor who would make arrangements for it to be done. Because the DNA contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms, it is the most conclusive means still available to man to determine the paternity of a child. Since it contains the instructions needed to construct other components of cells such as proteins and RNA molecules, it is most accurate than the usual blood test.
To minimise the effect of your decision on mother and child, be bold and honest. Make her understand it is the only way you can relate freely with you and the child.
Plead with her for her support because at the end of it all you two still have pending matters that would forever require your joint attentions irrespective of whether you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not.
Both of you should pray for the peace of God in your lives because if His presence is in your lives, this dreadful suspicion wouldn’t have been.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I met my wife in 2004. Shortly after our meeting she told me she was pregnant. As a result of the pregnancy she moved into my house.
I decided to see her parents to do the normal thing.
In the process of doing that she announced she was again pregnant. At this point, I suspected a foul play. And when the baby came, the second child, it bore no semblance of me. But I kept quiet.
I am however thinking of paying her bride price in April but almost every member of my family is against it, because they are of the opinion that the child isn’t mine. The child lacks any semblance of me.
Before I met her, she already had a child for someone else, something I regard as a mistake.
With what I have observed about the baby, what can I do to prove the paternity of the child? Besides this is the problem she is having with my family members. What can I do?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
What gives you the impression other than the fact that the baby doesn’t look like you that the mother of your child is cheating on you? Must all babies take after their fathers to be accepted by their paternal family?
Much as you have every right in the world to pursue the matter to a logical conclusion, this is a very delicate matter you must have to handle with all the maturity in the world. You have to have sufficient evidences to question the paternity of a child. You don’t condemn a child’s entire future or that of the its mother on account of the baby not taking after you in terms of physical appearance.
A lot depends on who among the two of you have the stronger gene. If the woman has the dominant gene, the children are most likely to take after her own side of the family in physical looks. It doesn’t make them less your children or lacking in any of your quality. A child can take after its mother or father side of the family in terms of look. To condemn its mother on account of this as being unfaithful is not only unfair to the woman but also to the baby as well. What excuse would you give the child in future if you are told you as the father needed the assurances of the medical science to accept responsibility for its existence?
If your position as well of that of your family is informed by the fact that she already had a child for someone else and on the basis of that cannot be trusted to stay faithful, discussing your fears with her is more ideal than subjecting her to the emotional trauma of your suspicion and lack of faith in her. Unless you have a pressing reason to doubt her, this would destroy whatever chance of happiness you have together.
Marriage isn’t about what your family wants but about you being happy. Are you happy with this woman? That she doesn’t get on with your family isn’t the same thing as she not getting on with you. Both of you have lived together for at least more than a year. What have you on your own discovered about her? Does she have some of the qualities you have always wanted in a woman? Besides what your family thinks about her, what do you think about her? Irrespective of what they think, your decision concerning her is final if you think she has what it takes to make you happy.
And if you noticed anything unwholesome about her character, did you at anytime discuss anything with her? Did you draw her attention to it or simply wait for your family to support whatever suspicion you have to stop whatever plans making permanent your relationship with her?
There is also the issue of the interest of those children to consider. Assuming you are right in your suspicion that the second child isn’t yours, what about the first one? What would happen to that child? Who will care for the child? These are issues you have to deeply reflect on before arriving at whatever conclusions you desire.
The fact that got pregnant immediately after the first doesn’t make her guilty of any crime. Did you not make love to her within the period? Did you use any form of protection? For some women, pregnancy could occur in the first month after delivery. That she got pregnant almost immediately after the birth of her first child doesn’t make her guilty of anything. She has no power to determine the way her body works. Her body is functioning at the level God designed it to.
If you however feel you still want to go ahead with your decision to prove the paternity of the child, through Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA), go and see your doctor who would make arrangements for it to be done. Because the DNA contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms, it is the most conclusive means still available to man to determine the paternity of a child. Since it contains the instructions needed to construct other components of cells such as proteins and RNA molecules, it is most accurate than the usual blood test.
To minimise the effect of your decision on mother and child, be bold and honest. Make her understand it is the only way you can relate freely with you and the child.
Plead with her for her support because at the end of it all you two still have pending matters that would forever require your joint attentions irrespective of whether you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not.
Both of you should pray for the peace of God in your lives because if His presence is in your lives, this dreadful suspicion wouldn’t have been.
Good luck.
He’s not my kind of guy…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am currently very confused about my person and the direction of my life. At 23 years of age my relationship with members of the opposite gender is almost minus zero. If they are not disappointing me, they are busy breaking my heart. It isn’t funny anymore.
Presently, I am in a relationship with a guy who claims he wants me for a wife. As a matter of fact, he has been introducing me to all his friends as his wife. But frankly speaking Agatha, he isn’t the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
One of the reasons for this is that he isn’t honest and cannot be trusted whatsoever. He doesn’t care if I am in need of anything, instead he would be the one complaining about his lack of money. All he seems interested in is introducing me to his friends as his wife to be – a habit I detest with passion.
He is also jobless and claims to want to contest as a councillor in his local government area.
To add salt to injury, every guy that comes wants sex. No one wants to go steady with me.
I don’t know what to do because I am not getting younger. I just need a guy to settle down with, a guy that is loving, caring, and God fearing.
Please advise me on what to do. Should I stop accepting to go into relationship with men? Just tell me how to handle this matter.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Often it is easiest to blame others for our own mistakes instead of facing the problems we have on our own created. If you are complaining of lack of interest in you by any man at just 23 years of age, what reputation and image did you present of yourself to those around you?
Do you package yourself as a young self-respecting woman? Are your values such that any man would be happy being around you? How do you interpret love? Do you see it as an investment of quick money, pure sexual satisfaction or an investment that requires patience, support, understanding, tolerance, selflessness, friendship and care?
If your attitude to the inability of your current boyfriend is anything to go by, you are more interested in the financial comfort than any real interest in the man. If you are complaining about lack of serious men in your life and you have one who is interested in marrying you and has practically told everyone about his intentions for you, then you don’t have any real challenge beyond your own refusal to get your priorities right. If money is what you want, you can’t rule out men demanding for sex because they have to get returns for their investment in your life.
It may sound crude but when most men spend money on women, they want one thing in returns – sex! Only responsible men give money and material things to women without expecting returns on their investment. So if you are looking for a ready made man, be prepared to pay the price of being used and dumped when a better and more attractive lady comes into the picture.
I appreciate the ache of being with one who seems visionless in life but it is not the same thing as being scornful of someone on account of his or her inability to get a job. What you should investigate about this man is his seriousness about life and vision. Don’t look at his current status, rather focus on his tomorrows. Do you detect any seriousness in him? Does he have what it takes to be a successful politician? There is nothing wrong in him wanting to be a councillor provided he is clear about his intentions.
A wise person looks at someone’s tomorrow, while a foolish person focus on only the today.
Don’t make the costly mistake many persons make in life. He may be jobless, appears to be a nuisance now but would he remain one for life?
And if you think, he doesn’t fit at all into your image of Mr. Right, do the decent thing of ending the relationship instead of sticking around him, depriving him and yourself of bright chances of meeting other interesting people. You would end up cheating yourself the more by staying on with him if you don’t like what he is telling people about you.
Importantly, develop the habit of praying. It would help you a lot in effecting some chances you may want to do in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am currently very confused about my person and the direction of my life. At 23 years of age my relationship with members of the opposite gender is almost minus zero. If they are not disappointing me, they are busy breaking my heart. It isn’t funny anymore.
Presently, I am in a relationship with a guy who claims he wants me for a wife. As a matter of fact, he has been introducing me to all his friends as his wife. But frankly speaking Agatha, he isn’t the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
One of the reasons for this is that he isn’t honest and cannot be trusted whatsoever. He doesn’t care if I am in need of anything, instead he would be the one complaining about his lack of money. All he seems interested in is introducing me to his friends as his wife to be – a habit I detest with passion.
He is also jobless and claims to want to contest as a councillor in his local government area.
To add salt to injury, every guy that comes wants sex. No one wants to go steady with me.
I don’t know what to do because I am not getting younger. I just need a guy to settle down with, a guy that is loving, caring, and God fearing.
Please advise me on what to do. Should I stop accepting to go into relationship with men? Just tell me how to handle this matter.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Often it is easiest to blame others for our own mistakes instead of facing the problems we have on our own created. If you are complaining of lack of interest in you by any man at just 23 years of age, what reputation and image did you present of yourself to those around you?
Do you package yourself as a young self-respecting woman? Are your values such that any man would be happy being around you? How do you interpret love? Do you see it as an investment of quick money, pure sexual satisfaction or an investment that requires patience, support, understanding, tolerance, selflessness, friendship and care?
If your attitude to the inability of your current boyfriend is anything to go by, you are more interested in the financial comfort than any real interest in the man. If you are complaining about lack of serious men in your life and you have one who is interested in marrying you and has practically told everyone about his intentions for you, then you don’t have any real challenge beyond your own refusal to get your priorities right. If money is what you want, you can’t rule out men demanding for sex because they have to get returns for their investment in your life.
It may sound crude but when most men spend money on women, they want one thing in returns – sex! Only responsible men give money and material things to women without expecting returns on their investment. So if you are looking for a ready made man, be prepared to pay the price of being used and dumped when a better and more attractive lady comes into the picture.
I appreciate the ache of being with one who seems visionless in life but it is not the same thing as being scornful of someone on account of his or her inability to get a job. What you should investigate about this man is his seriousness about life and vision. Don’t look at his current status, rather focus on his tomorrows. Do you detect any seriousness in him? Does he have what it takes to be a successful politician? There is nothing wrong in him wanting to be a councillor provided he is clear about his intentions.
A wise person looks at someone’s tomorrow, while a foolish person focus on only the today.
Don’t make the costly mistake many persons make in life. He may be jobless, appears to be a nuisance now but would he remain one for life?
And if you think, he doesn’t fit at all into your image of Mr. Right, do the decent thing of ending the relationship instead of sticking around him, depriving him and yourself of bright chances of meeting other interesting people. You would end up cheating yourself the more by staying on with him if you don’t like what he is telling people about you.
Importantly, develop the habit of praying. It would help you a lot in effecting some chances you may want to do in your life.
Good luck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
She seems to have ulterior motives…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in need of your candid advice. Please help me.
I am a guy of 32 years in age and have lived and worked in Germany since January 2000.
In January 2010, I came to Nigeria to get married to a lady of 23 years of age who claims to be a virgin.
Before the marriage ceremony, I told my wife-to-be and all those who cared to listen that she won’t be coming to Germany immediately after our wedding. I gave them my reasons.
The lady I married is the younger sister to one of my childhood friends. I loved her dearly but my feelings were fuelled by the relationship that existed between our families. My mother whom I love and respect so much played a vital role in my coming to marry in Nigeria as she told me time and again to come and marry from home.
We did traditional and church aspects of wedding. I postponed the court wedding pending when I am ready to bring her over.
Even though we didn’t date or knew ourselves too well prior to the marriage, I still went ahead to marry her not knowing that she and her family members were hiding their true identities. I trained her in some professional courses and I feel I have been actively playing my role as a husband ever since we married.
But in spite of all these, my wife and her family members are never contented. We spend time talking about our relationship instead of having one. Quarrels and arguments are ever so often. She is stubborn, arrogant, and very difficult to deal with. Her family members are always involved in our case. And most often, they will call me to emphasise on how young, important and special their daughter is to them.
But the real problem began in August last year when my wife moved to Abuja, got a job with a telecommunication company and was living with her elder sister, a divorcee. She kept complaining of how uncomfortable she was in her sister’s home. Being reluctant to rent an apartment for only her in Abuja, I called and pleaded with my uncle who has been very useful to me since I was a kid, to accommodate my wife, he agreed. My wife moved to my uncle’s home and said she was comfortable. She leaves for work in the morning and gets back home in the evening and so on.
On her way to work on this sad morning, she entered a wrong taxi. The guys on board of the taxi confused her to the extend that she went home (my uncle’s home), collected her chequebook, went to the bank and withdrew over N150,000 and went back into the same taxi and was driven to unknown location. The bad guys collected the money, which I paid into her account and asked her to pull off her clothes, which she did including her underpants. But said she was neither raped nor touched, and that they later asked her to put on her clothes and was set free.
Knowing the spiritual implications regarding this incident, I had no option but to inform my relatives including my mother. My mother then called my wife to come home for inquiries, she insisted she was neither raped nor touched. She went back to Abuja and I asked her to resign her work.
A month after that incident, she became ill and was diagnosed of posttraumatic stress disorder. Her brothers called me same day only to accuse my family and I of being responsible for her health condition. I was disturbed and at the same time perplexed by their attitude.
I went ahead to pay her hospital bills, but deep inside me, I knew that my relationship with her siblings was over. After she was discharged from the hospital, she relocated from Abuja. She went to stay with another sister of hers who incidentally is also a divorcee.
Steadily, her character became worse so much so she has completely changed from the woman I married. She has so many family issues that make me feel that my marriage to her shall be characterised by quarrels, argument, anger and sadness. I have no more trust for her and no longer interested in going ahead with the court wedding. Our mothers are no more in good terms, just as I am no longer in good terms with her siblings.
All her four sisters are divorcees. She prefers her siblings’ advice to mine. She told me she wasn’t working in Lagos, I visited her in May this year only to discover she lied. Now it is hard to believe all she told me in the past. Was she raped and decided to hide it from me? Whenever our situation becomes very tense to the extent of falling apart, she goes on her knees crying and pleading for forgiveness.
I am tired.
I just got my German nationality that I have been waiting for. I am supposed to be thinking of coming to Nigeria to conclude the court wedding and bring her over, but that clearly isn’t the case as worries of the unknown are digging at my heart. I am very suspicious of her attitudes now, I feel she and her family got some ulterior motives, and knowing that the laws here favour women makes my worries grow bigger and stronger. I didn’t get her pregnant while in Nigeria because I want my child born in Europe.
I just called her and expressed my lack of interest in continuing the marriage. And as always, she is back on her knees again pleading for forgiveness. She and her family members claim to be good Christians but their attitudes have proved the contrary. I cannot tolerate her anymore.
I desperately need your advice.
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,
First, I like to say there is no marriage without challenges and that what you are going through is normal to most marriages. The strain in your marriage is more profound because you are both living apart. Had you been around her, your presence would have helped weaned her of her family’s influence. But as it is now, she cannot avoid listening to them, because at 23 she lacks the knowledge and wisdom to allocate her loyalty appropriately.
Be fair to her, at 23, she lacks your kind of experience, doesn’t know how to relate with a husband especially one who isn’t around her. Your absence is making her dependent on her family the more. Don’t also forget the possibility that she may not have planned to marry when she did. For most 23-year olds, exploring the world a little bit and building their careers are what they have in mind. For any person, especially a woman to make her marriage work, she must have prepared herself psychologically. From what you said, it is obvious that she wasn’t planning on getting married when she did.
Like you, her mother may also have put her into it. She needs help to understand that there is world of difference between being a single and married. Frankly, you should have allowed her to stay with your mother. Staying with your mother would have helped prepared her properly for marriage.
However, if there is anybody that should be blamed your mother is, not this girl or her family members, who are only acting out who they have always been. If as you say your mothers were good family friends, there is no way your mother can claim ignorance of the attitude and thinking of your wife’s family.
For whatever reasons, she deliberately ignored these flaws in your in-laws when she encouraged you to marry this girl.
Sit down and ask your mother some questions. Why did she mislead you into marrying this girl with all the issues you are now noticing about the family? She must have known that the family is overbearing and that her four elder sisters are all divorcees. From her relationship with this girl’s mother, she must have known what her attitude is towards money as well as all the other reasons that have been militating against successful marriages of her friend’s daughters.
Your mother and not your wife be blamed for the kind of marriage you are having.
In addition, you also share in the blame. At 32, you must have had a clear picture of the kind of marriage that would work for you. With this comes the knowledge of the kind of woman to support your dreams to come true. Your mother isn’t you, hence would never know, despite giving birth to you, the kind of woman that would fit into your plans for the future. Giving your mother the sole responsibility of choosing a wife for you was a mistake in the first place. Parents can only assist with the right kind of counsel but not to be given the entire job of looking for one’s future partner.
Ideally, if your mother weren’t too involved in the matter, she would have been able to arbitrate positively now that the union faces a hard time. Having compromised herself from the beginning, there is little she can do for you in this matter.
You must act as a man and face the burden of the decision your mother took on your behalf. There will always be issues in marriages. Determination to succeed is what makes the difference in life. You must have the concomitant strength of mind to make this marriage work.
The story she told you may not be a lie. Several ladies who have fallen victims of these kinds of dubious persons have similar stories to tell.
Learn to trust her, as it appears you don’t, from the tone of your mail. You said she claimed to be a virgin: wasn’t she one when you met her? If she was, it wasn’t a claim. For this marriage to work, endeavour to give her the benefit of doubt.
If you have the opportunity of taking her to Germany, do so, but not before discussing the attitude and several demands of her family members. Only a talk premised on a desire to make this marriage work and not to trade blames would work.
In addition, invite God into your marriage and hearts.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in need of your candid advice. Please help me.
I am a guy of 32 years in age and have lived and worked in Germany since January 2000.
In January 2010, I came to Nigeria to get married to a lady of 23 years of age who claims to be a virgin.
Before the marriage ceremony, I told my wife-to-be and all those who cared to listen that she won’t be coming to Germany immediately after our wedding. I gave them my reasons.
The lady I married is the younger sister to one of my childhood friends. I loved her dearly but my feelings were fuelled by the relationship that existed between our families. My mother whom I love and respect so much played a vital role in my coming to marry in Nigeria as she told me time and again to come and marry from home.
We did traditional and church aspects of wedding. I postponed the court wedding pending when I am ready to bring her over.
Even though we didn’t date or knew ourselves too well prior to the marriage, I still went ahead to marry her not knowing that she and her family members were hiding their true identities. I trained her in some professional courses and I feel I have been actively playing my role as a husband ever since we married.
But in spite of all these, my wife and her family members are never contented. We spend time talking about our relationship instead of having one. Quarrels and arguments are ever so often. She is stubborn, arrogant, and very difficult to deal with. Her family members are always involved in our case. And most often, they will call me to emphasise on how young, important and special their daughter is to them.
But the real problem began in August last year when my wife moved to Abuja, got a job with a telecommunication company and was living with her elder sister, a divorcee. She kept complaining of how uncomfortable she was in her sister’s home. Being reluctant to rent an apartment for only her in Abuja, I called and pleaded with my uncle who has been very useful to me since I was a kid, to accommodate my wife, he agreed. My wife moved to my uncle’s home and said she was comfortable. She leaves for work in the morning and gets back home in the evening and so on.
On her way to work on this sad morning, she entered a wrong taxi. The guys on board of the taxi confused her to the extend that she went home (my uncle’s home), collected her chequebook, went to the bank and withdrew over N150,000 and went back into the same taxi and was driven to unknown location. The bad guys collected the money, which I paid into her account and asked her to pull off her clothes, which she did including her underpants. But said she was neither raped nor touched, and that they later asked her to put on her clothes and was set free.
Knowing the spiritual implications regarding this incident, I had no option but to inform my relatives including my mother. My mother then called my wife to come home for inquiries, she insisted she was neither raped nor touched. She went back to Abuja and I asked her to resign her work.
A month after that incident, she became ill and was diagnosed of posttraumatic stress disorder. Her brothers called me same day only to accuse my family and I of being responsible for her health condition. I was disturbed and at the same time perplexed by their attitude.
I went ahead to pay her hospital bills, but deep inside me, I knew that my relationship with her siblings was over. After she was discharged from the hospital, she relocated from Abuja. She went to stay with another sister of hers who incidentally is also a divorcee.
Steadily, her character became worse so much so she has completely changed from the woman I married. She has so many family issues that make me feel that my marriage to her shall be characterised by quarrels, argument, anger and sadness. I have no more trust for her and no longer interested in going ahead with the court wedding. Our mothers are no more in good terms, just as I am no longer in good terms with her siblings.
All her four sisters are divorcees. She prefers her siblings’ advice to mine. She told me she wasn’t working in Lagos, I visited her in May this year only to discover she lied. Now it is hard to believe all she told me in the past. Was she raped and decided to hide it from me? Whenever our situation becomes very tense to the extent of falling apart, she goes on her knees crying and pleading for forgiveness.
I am tired.
I just got my German nationality that I have been waiting for. I am supposed to be thinking of coming to Nigeria to conclude the court wedding and bring her over, but that clearly isn’t the case as worries of the unknown are digging at my heart. I am very suspicious of her attitudes now, I feel she and her family got some ulterior motives, and knowing that the laws here favour women makes my worries grow bigger and stronger. I didn’t get her pregnant while in Nigeria because I want my child born in Europe.
I just called her and expressed my lack of interest in continuing the marriage. And as always, she is back on her knees again pleading for forgiveness. She and her family members claim to be good Christians but their attitudes have proved the contrary. I cannot tolerate her anymore.
I desperately need your advice.
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,
First, I like to say there is no marriage without challenges and that what you are going through is normal to most marriages. The strain in your marriage is more profound because you are both living apart. Had you been around her, your presence would have helped weaned her of her family’s influence. But as it is now, she cannot avoid listening to them, because at 23 she lacks the knowledge and wisdom to allocate her loyalty appropriately.
Be fair to her, at 23, she lacks your kind of experience, doesn’t know how to relate with a husband especially one who isn’t around her. Your absence is making her dependent on her family the more. Don’t also forget the possibility that she may not have planned to marry when she did. For most 23-year olds, exploring the world a little bit and building their careers are what they have in mind. For any person, especially a woman to make her marriage work, she must have prepared herself psychologically. From what you said, it is obvious that she wasn’t planning on getting married when she did.
Like you, her mother may also have put her into it. She needs help to understand that there is world of difference between being a single and married. Frankly, you should have allowed her to stay with your mother. Staying with your mother would have helped prepared her properly for marriage.
However, if there is anybody that should be blamed your mother is, not this girl or her family members, who are only acting out who they have always been. If as you say your mothers were good family friends, there is no way your mother can claim ignorance of the attitude and thinking of your wife’s family.
For whatever reasons, she deliberately ignored these flaws in your in-laws when she encouraged you to marry this girl.
Sit down and ask your mother some questions. Why did she mislead you into marrying this girl with all the issues you are now noticing about the family? She must have known that the family is overbearing and that her four elder sisters are all divorcees. From her relationship with this girl’s mother, she must have known what her attitude is towards money as well as all the other reasons that have been militating against successful marriages of her friend’s daughters.
Your mother and not your wife be blamed for the kind of marriage you are having.
In addition, you also share in the blame. At 32, you must have had a clear picture of the kind of marriage that would work for you. With this comes the knowledge of the kind of woman to support your dreams to come true. Your mother isn’t you, hence would never know, despite giving birth to you, the kind of woman that would fit into your plans for the future. Giving your mother the sole responsibility of choosing a wife for you was a mistake in the first place. Parents can only assist with the right kind of counsel but not to be given the entire job of looking for one’s future partner.
Ideally, if your mother weren’t too involved in the matter, she would have been able to arbitrate positively now that the union faces a hard time. Having compromised herself from the beginning, there is little she can do for you in this matter.
You must act as a man and face the burden of the decision your mother took on your behalf. There will always be issues in marriages. Determination to succeed is what makes the difference in life. You must have the concomitant strength of mind to make this marriage work.
The story she told you may not be a lie. Several ladies who have fallen victims of these kinds of dubious persons have similar stories to tell.
Learn to trust her, as it appears you don’t, from the tone of your mail. You said she claimed to be a virgin: wasn’t she one when you met her? If she was, it wasn’t a claim. For this marriage to work, endeavour to give her the benefit of doubt.
If you have the opportunity of taking her to Germany, do so, but not before discussing the attitude and several demands of her family members. Only a talk premised on a desire to make this marriage work and not to trade blames would work.
In addition, invite God into your marriage and hearts.
Good luck.
He wants us to continue secretly
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend and I broke up after six years due to the pressures on him by his family that we can’t marry because I am an Esan woman.
I love him so much and can’t do without him.
He proposed that we continue to see each other secretly, I am so confused.
Please, tell me on what to do.
Omo.
Dear Omo,
If he is not man enough to insist it is you he wants and willing to give up a relationship of six years to please his family what other assurances do you have he would marry you at the end of the day?
Even if his family members are right in their misconception about your people, having known and dated you for six years or more, he should have been able to put up a stout defense of you so much so he would have won two or more sympathies for his love for you.
If at this early stage in your relationship, he is unable to defend what he feels for you, vouch for your character and insist on his opinion of you, this man may never be able to give you the happiness you deserve.
Love and relationship lacking in boldness and loyalty don’t last, no matter how much one desires it.
As a matter of fact, you should view his offer for a secret relationship as pathetic and insulting.
Why should you be locked in the cupboard, away from the public to satisfy him and protect his cowardice at being unable to define what he wants?
Deep down, do you think him capable of accepting responsibilities arising from this secret arrangement when he couldn’t accept responsibility for his love for you the first time?
Sincerely, this secret arrangement, if you allow it is a recipe for more pains and heartaches for you. Being kept in the cupboard means he has to date another lady who has the backing of his family. It also means the family has the franchise to source and kick-start his wedding plans when they like. It also means he is incapable of controlling the tyranny of his family members who at every turn can come and go as they like in his affairs.
Despite your currently inability to do without him, is this the type of like you really want? A man you don’t have a measure of control over, one who has little disregard for your feelings? One who once his family makes an appearance on his life consigns you to the second position in his life or jettisons any plan you both have for his families?
His lack of concern for all the plans you both made, your joint dreams and hopes for the future over his family’s position should be warning for you to count your loss and look else where for a man who values you.
Doubtless, this arrangement provides you with the short-term option of continuing in the security of an old love, but in the long term, it may not be so noble because the pains and loneliness you are running from would come if not from him but from his family members who would feel the need to tighten their hold over him more than ever before if you show up again in his life.
The family position wouldn’t have made any difference if the man you have business with is determined or have the guts to protect you, maintain a fair balance between you and his family. That he gave you up to please his family makes this proposition of his laden with apprehension and cautions for you to be careful.
Besides, what does this offer you in terms of future security and happiness? Are you simply going to remain a shadow in his life while he pursues his other interests? What plans has he for you?
What makes you so sure he would have the guts he lacks now to defend you later? Any relationship that is shrouded in trial or ethnic controversies is always difficult to execute because issues, both real and imagined would always be brought up by its opposition to defend their stance. It takes the grace of God to even smile in such situations.
To gauge the depth of his feelings for you, insist he either continues to date you as his sole girlfriend while he looks for people who would help him convince his family about you or he completely forgets you.
His first option would have been to do and use every opportunity to change his family opinion of you, not to second you to a secret arrangement.
If at the end of the day, he insists on his options being better than your suggestions, let go.
Don’t worry about the attendant pains of bereavement you will feel at losing the love and familiarity of the man you gave six years of your life. Life is always a gamble where we win some and lose some.
God isn’t without a reason for this development but you have to give time the chance to heal you for hidden truth and beauty of this moment to show in your life.
The confusion is in your pains, not the divine reason this is happening to you. This is not the time to depend on your wisdom and strength, Go to God in prayers for proper definition of why this is so.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend and I broke up after six years due to the pressures on him by his family that we can’t marry because I am an Esan woman.
I love him so much and can’t do without him.
He proposed that we continue to see each other secretly, I am so confused.
Please, tell me on what to do.
Omo.
Dear Omo,
If he is not man enough to insist it is you he wants and willing to give up a relationship of six years to please his family what other assurances do you have he would marry you at the end of the day?
Even if his family members are right in their misconception about your people, having known and dated you for six years or more, he should have been able to put up a stout defense of you so much so he would have won two or more sympathies for his love for you.
If at this early stage in your relationship, he is unable to defend what he feels for you, vouch for your character and insist on his opinion of you, this man may never be able to give you the happiness you deserve.
Love and relationship lacking in boldness and loyalty don’t last, no matter how much one desires it.
As a matter of fact, you should view his offer for a secret relationship as pathetic and insulting.
Why should you be locked in the cupboard, away from the public to satisfy him and protect his cowardice at being unable to define what he wants?
Deep down, do you think him capable of accepting responsibilities arising from this secret arrangement when he couldn’t accept responsibility for his love for you the first time?
Sincerely, this secret arrangement, if you allow it is a recipe for more pains and heartaches for you. Being kept in the cupboard means he has to date another lady who has the backing of his family. It also means the family has the franchise to source and kick-start his wedding plans when they like. It also means he is incapable of controlling the tyranny of his family members who at every turn can come and go as they like in his affairs.
Despite your currently inability to do without him, is this the type of like you really want? A man you don’t have a measure of control over, one who has little disregard for your feelings? One who once his family makes an appearance on his life consigns you to the second position in his life or jettisons any plan you both have for his families?
His lack of concern for all the plans you both made, your joint dreams and hopes for the future over his family’s position should be warning for you to count your loss and look else where for a man who values you.
Doubtless, this arrangement provides you with the short-term option of continuing in the security of an old love, but in the long term, it may not be so noble because the pains and loneliness you are running from would come if not from him but from his family members who would feel the need to tighten their hold over him more than ever before if you show up again in his life.
The family position wouldn’t have made any difference if the man you have business with is determined or have the guts to protect you, maintain a fair balance between you and his family. That he gave you up to please his family makes this proposition of his laden with apprehension and cautions for you to be careful.
Besides, what does this offer you in terms of future security and happiness? Are you simply going to remain a shadow in his life while he pursues his other interests? What plans has he for you?
What makes you so sure he would have the guts he lacks now to defend you later? Any relationship that is shrouded in trial or ethnic controversies is always difficult to execute because issues, both real and imagined would always be brought up by its opposition to defend their stance. It takes the grace of God to even smile in such situations.
To gauge the depth of his feelings for you, insist he either continues to date you as his sole girlfriend while he looks for people who would help him convince his family about you or he completely forgets you.
His first option would have been to do and use every opportunity to change his family opinion of you, not to second you to a secret arrangement.
If at the end of the day, he insists on his options being better than your suggestions, let go.
Don’t worry about the attendant pains of bereavement you will feel at losing the love and familiarity of the man you gave six years of your life. Life is always a gamble where we win some and lose some.
God isn’t without a reason for this development but you have to give time the chance to heal you for hidden truth and beauty of this moment to show in your life.
The confusion is in your pains, not the divine reason this is happening to you. This is not the time to depend on your wisdom and strength, Go to God in prayers for proper definition of why this is so.
Good luck.
His attitude towards me has changed
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 16 years of age, in love with a 22 year old boy whom I really care about. Our relationship is five months of age and he has indicated desire to marry me.
However, some weeks ago, I noticed a change in the love we have for each other. His calls as well as text messages have stopped. To cap it all he even instructs that I should stop not visit him for sometime because he is busy.
I however suspect another woman is the reason for his new attitude towards me. We have not had sex.
But I don’t know if I should wait for him with the hope that he would come back to me because I care so much about him. Please help me.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
At 16, your world is just evolving. Men would come and go with many promises. Your feelings like you are changing every second. The secret of your age is not to take yourself or any man coming to you too serious because like a newly hatched butterfly, you are beautiful, attractive and exciting to look at.
Men, both young and old who want something fresh, untouched would naturally find you irresistible. Don’t be deceived many have only the motive to tamper with your innocence, suck your fresh juice, leave you after they finish for another attractive flower.
It is a pattern that is as old as time which many innocent girls of your age has fallen victims to.
Be grateful, this man has the conscience not to have slept with you before putting up this barrier.
Your age calls not only for caution but focus because what you do today will determine the hues tomorrow would take.
Love is beautiful only when it comes in its season and with the right person. This man hasn’t done anything but helped you in a way to appreciate the dynamism of life, the reality that entrenched in a man/woman relationship.
Unless you take the step to position your life along the line of success, this would become a pattern in your life,
The time now is for you to protect your future by focusing on your education. Love is a consuming emotion. Sincerely, at your age you lack the stamina to combine it with your compulsory season of acquiring sound education. There is simply no way you can combine these two time consuming facets of life.
Your education requires your full concentration to give you value and serve you properly in life. Without you concentrating on it fully now, a time would come when you would require it but would lack the courage and time to be its devotee.
Love and relationship never ceases to be out of fashion but education does. After a while, the shame of seeing your friends passing out of school while you lack behind would frustrate any resolve you may nurture to go on. The torture of sitting in class with younger ones; some, old enough to be one’s children makes reading when the right season has passed very unattractive as well as aching.
Believe me the aches you feel now at being left by this man would be nothing compared to the pains of unfulfilled dreams as well as the constant lonely tears of missed opportunities. These tears are like cancerous wounds that never heal of its freshness and intensity especially when you see your once classmates in very prominent positions in the world.
Being young once, I know the feelings of first disappointment. I know all about the dim in the stars but with experience has come a very profound understanding that those feelings, both the love and its attendant disappointments are nothing compared to the real thing.
In time, you would meet your real destiny, one that has the potency of changing your life completely.
When it comes, you won’t need anybody to tell you. But for it to make sense, you have to prepare the foundation now for it. Forget this man and everything he represents. Even if he comes back, insist you want time to devote to your education and that your life has no space for him until you have achieved your educational goals.
This is not saying you cannot be friends with men but the limits have to be well defined; no commitments until you are able to balance the scale without one suffering for the other.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 16 years of age, in love with a 22 year old boy whom I really care about. Our relationship is five months of age and he has indicated desire to marry me.
However, some weeks ago, I noticed a change in the love we have for each other. His calls as well as text messages have stopped. To cap it all he even instructs that I should stop not visit him for sometime because he is busy.
I however suspect another woman is the reason for his new attitude towards me. We have not had sex.
But I don’t know if I should wait for him with the hope that he would come back to me because I care so much about him. Please help me.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
At 16, your world is just evolving. Men would come and go with many promises. Your feelings like you are changing every second. The secret of your age is not to take yourself or any man coming to you too serious because like a newly hatched butterfly, you are beautiful, attractive and exciting to look at.
Men, both young and old who want something fresh, untouched would naturally find you irresistible. Don’t be deceived many have only the motive to tamper with your innocence, suck your fresh juice, leave you after they finish for another attractive flower.
It is a pattern that is as old as time which many innocent girls of your age has fallen victims to.
Be grateful, this man has the conscience not to have slept with you before putting up this barrier.
Your age calls not only for caution but focus because what you do today will determine the hues tomorrow would take.
Love is beautiful only when it comes in its season and with the right person. This man hasn’t done anything but helped you in a way to appreciate the dynamism of life, the reality that entrenched in a man/woman relationship.
Unless you take the step to position your life along the line of success, this would become a pattern in your life,
The time now is for you to protect your future by focusing on your education. Love is a consuming emotion. Sincerely, at your age you lack the stamina to combine it with your compulsory season of acquiring sound education. There is simply no way you can combine these two time consuming facets of life.
Your education requires your full concentration to give you value and serve you properly in life. Without you concentrating on it fully now, a time would come when you would require it but would lack the courage and time to be its devotee.
Love and relationship never ceases to be out of fashion but education does. After a while, the shame of seeing your friends passing out of school while you lack behind would frustrate any resolve you may nurture to go on. The torture of sitting in class with younger ones; some, old enough to be one’s children makes reading when the right season has passed very unattractive as well as aching.
Believe me the aches you feel now at being left by this man would be nothing compared to the pains of unfulfilled dreams as well as the constant lonely tears of missed opportunities. These tears are like cancerous wounds that never heal of its freshness and intensity especially when you see your once classmates in very prominent positions in the world.
Being young once, I know the feelings of first disappointment. I know all about the dim in the stars but with experience has come a very profound understanding that those feelings, both the love and its attendant disappointments are nothing compared to the real thing.
In time, you would meet your real destiny, one that has the potency of changing your life completely.
When it comes, you won’t need anybody to tell you. But for it to make sense, you have to prepare the foundation now for it. Forget this man and everything he represents. Even if he comes back, insist you want time to devote to your education and that your life has no space for him until you have achieved your educational goals.
This is not saying you cannot be friends with men but the limits have to be well defined; no commitments until you are able to balance the scale without one suffering for the other.
Good luck.
My wife mustn’t hear another woman carries my baby
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am facing a problem over which I need your help. You are always doing a good job that you cannot be rewarded for by any man here on earth.
I got married to a lady who is very nice and decent. Out of impatience, she is currently nursing a baby girl.
There is this other lady I am very much in love with who claims she is pregnant for me. However, she insists on aborting the child and has gone further to say if I refuse to give her money to do it she would die.
I already have a child from my wife and she can’t come in as the second wife. I am now confused. Can I get any assistance from you?
Any contribution from you can assist me to handle this problem. I am 27 years of age. My wife is not aware of this.
Godwin.
Dear Godwin,
In the first instance what were you looking for outside your home? No matter the challenge you have in your marriage or issues with your wife, the solution have never been or will ever be infidelity.
Unfaithfulness is too high a price for couples to pay for wrong choices or problems within the marriage.
This is because it doesn’t just end with the unfaithful party looking for emergency happiness or satisfactions in the arms of an available person, it is an open invitation to many sundry problems some which if not properly managed could cause permanent pains to both the guilty and the innocent.
In retrospect, which would have been easier to manage, confronting and resolving the issues with your wife and marriage or going into this relationship? in going with this woman, you forget that marriage is never expected to be smooth sailing; that it comes with very wide and deep gullies which only patience and time can even out.
With the current development, you would have since realized that nobody is perfect and that no situation in life comes without prices to pay. When you decided to date this other lady, you probably thought you were being smart and wise in solving your matrimonial problem.
What is the confusion? When a man sleeps with a woman, the expected result is a baby. What did you expect when you went into a relationship and slept with her without protection? You knew you had a wife and child at home and that you weren’t ready to marry two wives, yet you didn’t see anything wrong in having an affair and unprotected sex with another woman?
You are matured enough to know that when a woman and man come together in intimacy a lot of things result from the union. For her, it is immaterial whether you have a baby and wife at home or not. What she concerns her is that pregnancy and what you must do to help her get out of the impending social doom that comes from such a situation.
It is obviously too late to have regrets. The deed has been done. You both need full-blown understanding to tackle this issue. First is to find ways of calming her down to prevent rash and life-threatening incidents. If she is already threatening suicide, don’t ignore or tempt her into doing it. No matter what it takes, be very patient and understanding of her situation until the disaster is averted.
If she is also insisting on abortion, hear her out for the reason she is nursing taking her own life. This is certainly not time for you to insist on doing anything your way. Demand to know why she wants the baby aborted. Pretend to go with her on it. This is to give you time to wear her stubbornness down, to come up with an alternative that would produce another result different from what she is intending.
From this beginning know that abortion is out of the picture since you both didn’t bother to prevent it. But wisely refrain from telling her this now since it would only aggravate the current situation.
However, you have to think up something to sway her from harming herself. What precisely do you intend to do with mother and child? If you cannot bring them to the house, how do you want to incorporate them into your life that would be fair to everyone concerned?
Whatever, conclusions you come up with this woman, put the issue of the child first especially if you told her from the beginning that you were married with a child. It means you don’t have many obligations to her since you gave her the option through your declaration of your marital status to opt out or not.
This means she cannot blackmail you into marrying her or providing fully for her. When an unmarried woman goes knowingly into a relationship with a married man and proceeds to having sex with him without insisting on protection, she cannot solely blame the man for not fully being responsible when pregnancy occurs because it is more of the responsibility of the woman to protect her body and life from situations that can harm her plans in life.
Even though you acted irresponsibly by going out of your matrimonial home, she is also not blameless hence must be ready to play her part in contributing to the welfare of the child having made the choice to selected a married man as its father.
But if you didn’t, you owe this woman more than that because it means you deceitfully lured her into a relationship you knew from the beginning lacked substance and future.
In this situation, you must not only make provisions for the baby but give her all the assurances she needs to continue with her life with limited consequences and liabilities.
This would involve you telling your wife irrespective of how unpalatable the situation it would generate. To shield your wife from this knowledge is to create a more complex situation in future and cause a permanent enmity and rivalry between the women and their children.
Naturally, your wife would not find the situation comfortable but she has to know to enable her adjust appropriately. This might require you introducing the two women to each other but make sure you don’t do this alone because it has the tendency of it boomeranging on you. There is no way your wife is going to be reasonable about sharing her man with another woman who has a child for him.
To achieve this, you would need the help of people very close to the two of you to gently break the news and talk her into meeting the other woman. But don’t expect instant solutions. It would take a long time to get there because the foundation is already defective.
It also means you have to bury whatever issues you have with her. Even if she through her own attitude drove you into the waiting arms of another woman, with what has happened, you have become the guilty one. A man has to be able at all times to manage his home and woman to have peace in his life.
At 27, you have to work extra hard not to be frustrated by the responsibilities involved in having two homes to prevent a situation where going from one woman to the other would become a pattern in your life. if you allow the seeming huge responsibilities to providing for these two women get at you, there is the tendency of you wanting to escape from it by going into the arms of another woman. It is a temptation, you must resist.
Furthermore, you have to make the effort to grow into the responsibilities your desires have brought you into by refusing to listen or capitulate to pressures of people who may want to divert you from doing what is right which is accepting your responsibilities for your actions.
Pray God gives you the wisdom and strength to overcome this challenge.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am facing a problem over which I need your help. You are always doing a good job that you cannot be rewarded for by any man here on earth.
I got married to a lady who is very nice and decent. Out of impatience, she is currently nursing a baby girl.
There is this other lady I am very much in love with who claims she is pregnant for me. However, she insists on aborting the child and has gone further to say if I refuse to give her money to do it she would die.
I already have a child from my wife and she can’t come in as the second wife. I am now confused. Can I get any assistance from you?
Any contribution from you can assist me to handle this problem. I am 27 years of age. My wife is not aware of this.
Godwin.
Dear Godwin,
In the first instance what were you looking for outside your home? No matter the challenge you have in your marriage or issues with your wife, the solution have never been or will ever be infidelity.
Unfaithfulness is too high a price for couples to pay for wrong choices or problems within the marriage.
This is because it doesn’t just end with the unfaithful party looking for emergency happiness or satisfactions in the arms of an available person, it is an open invitation to many sundry problems some which if not properly managed could cause permanent pains to both the guilty and the innocent.
In retrospect, which would have been easier to manage, confronting and resolving the issues with your wife and marriage or going into this relationship? in going with this woman, you forget that marriage is never expected to be smooth sailing; that it comes with very wide and deep gullies which only patience and time can even out.
With the current development, you would have since realized that nobody is perfect and that no situation in life comes without prices to pay. When you decided to date this other lady, you probably thought you were being smart and wise in solving your matrimonial problem.
What is the confusion? When a man sleeps with a woman, the expected result is a baby. What did you expect when you went into a relationship and slept with her without protection? You knew you had a wife and child at home and that you weren’t ready to marry two wives, yet you didn’t see anything wrong in having an affair and unprotected sex with another woman?
You are matured enough to know that when a woman and man come together in intimacy a lot of things result from the union. For her, it is immaterial whether you have a baby and wife at home or not. What she concerns her is that pregnancy and what you must do to help her get out of the impending social doom that comes from such a situation.
It is obviously too late to have regrets. The deed has been done. You both need full-blown understanding to tackle this issue. First is to find ways of calming her down to prevent rash and life-threatening incidents. If she is already threatening suicide, don’t ignore or tempt her into doing it. No matter what it takes, be very patient and understanding of her situation until the disaster is averted.
If she is also insisting on abortion, hear her out for the reason she is nursing taking her own life. This is certainly not time for you to insist on doing anything your way. Demand to know why she wants the baby aborted. Pretend to go with her on it. This is to give you time to wear her stubbornness down, to come up with an alternative that would produce another result different from what she is intending.
From this beginning know that abortion is out of the picture since you both didn’t bother to prevent it. But wisely refrain from telling her this now since it would only aggravate the current situation.
However, you have to think up something to sway her from harming herself. What precisely do you intend to do with mother and child? If you cannot bring them to the house, how do you want to incorporate them into your life that would be fair to everyone concerned?
Whatever, conclusions you come up with this woman, put the issue of the child first especially if you told her from the beginning that you were married with a child. It means you don’t have many obligations to her since you gave her the option through your declaration of your marital status to opt out or not.
This means she cannot blackmail you into marrying her or providing fully for her. When an unmarried woman goes knowingly into a relationship with a married man and proceeds to having sex with him without insisting on protection, she cannot solely blame the man for not fully being responsible when pregnancy occurs because it is more of the responsibility of the woman to protect her body and life from situations that can harm her plans in life.
Even though you acted irresponsibly by going out of your matrimonial home, she is also not blameless hence must be ready to play her part in contributing to the welfare of the child having made the choice to selected a married man as its father.
But if you didn’t, you owe this woman more than that because it means you deceitfully lured her into a relationship you knew from the beginning lacked substance and future.
In this situation, you must not only make provisions for the baby but give her all the assurances she needs to continue with her life with limited consequences and liabilities.
This would involve you telling your wife irrespective of how unpalatable the situation it would generate. To shield your wife from this knowledge is to create a more complex situation in future and cause a permanent enmity and rivalry between the women and their children.
Naturally, your wife would not find the situation comfortable but she has to know to enable her adjust appropriately. This might require you introducing the two women to each other but make sure you don’t do this alone because it has the tendency of it boomeranging on you. There is no way your wife is going to be reasonable about sharing her man with another woman who has a child for him.
To achieve this, you would need the help of people very close to the two of you to gently break the news and talk her into meeting the other woman. But don’t expect instant solutions. It would take a long time to get there because the foundation is already defective.
It also means you have to bury whatever issues you have with her. Even if she through her own attitude drove you into the waiting arms of another woman, with what has happened, you have become the guilty one. A man has to be able at all times to manage his home and woman to have peace in his life.
At 27, you have to work extra hard not to be frustrated by the responsibilities involved in having two homes to prevent a situation where going from one woman to the other would become a pattern in your life. if you allow the seeming huge responsibilities to providing for these two women get at you, there is the tendency of you wanting to escape from it by going into the arms of another woman. It is a temptation, you must resist.
Furthermore, you have to make the effort to grow into the responsibilities your desires have brought you into by refusing to listen or capitulate to pressures of people who may want to divert you from doing what is right which is accepting your responsibilities for your actions.
Pray God gives you the wisdom and strength to overcome this challenge.
Good luck.
I love her but she doesn’t think so
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a million for the wonderful medium you use in changing people’s lives for the better.
I am involved in a friendship is a year old. I love my partner deeply despite coming from different social class. I come from a very wealthy family while she comes from a struggling family in which only her widowed mother is the sole provider.
When we met last year and agreed to a relationship, our different backgrounds didn’t seem to matter so much to her but I noticed after a while, she started being uncomfortable around me. She first started by comparing her family with mine which naturally came with its own problems.
I have severally sat her down to desist from such self destructive thoughts; that life is full of challenges and difficulties. I also told her that with God, all things are possible but she is so adamant and has continued to put herself and family down.
Agatha, I love her so very much making me so helpless and confused about all these.
Mike.
Dear Mike,
You are on the right path which shows a very caring and loving heart. Don’t be discouraged; continue to encourage her to trust and belief in God.
Certain experiences and talks may have informed her attitude especially from friends who think such a relationship is impossible between the two of you. The onus is and would be on you for a long time to convince her that you indeed love her and that what you feel for her is solid enough to withstand the challenges of your different social classes.
Assure her that your love doesn’t come with tags of unequal social class because what you see in her is priceless. She has to have faith in you and your love to make her overcome her inherent fears of being hurt by you or rejection by your family on account of her social background.
You cannot convince alone by mere words. She has to feel your sincerity in all the various ways a woman knows her man cherishes her.
She has to see and feel it in your cares, your protection, your placement of her in your scale of preference, your concern for her welfare and understanding of her needs.
If you advertise sex as being the only reason you want her by your side, you will never be able to convince her of your truthfulness and desires for her.
Continue to be selfless and self serving to her and your love for each other by telling her that money has nothing to do with the feelings of love.
Overtime she would come to understand how much you mean to her.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a million for the wonderful medium you use in changing people’s lives for the better.
I am involved in a friendship is a year old. I love my partner deeply despite coming from different social class. I come from a very wealthy family while she comes from a struggling family in which only her widowed mother is the sole provider.
When we met last year and agreed to a relationship, our different backgrounds didn’t seem to matter so much to her but I noticed after a while, she started being uncomfortable around me. She first started by comparing her family with mine which naturally came with its own problems.
I have severally sat her down to desist from such self destructive thoughts; that life is full of challenges and difficulties. I also told her that with God, all things are possible but she is so adamant and has continued to put herself and family down.
Agatha, I love her so very much making me so helpless and confused about all these.
Mike.
Dear Mike,
You are on the right path which shows a very caring and loving heart. Don’t be discouraged; continue to encourage her to trust and belief in God.
Certain experiences and talks may have informed her attitude especially from friends who think such a relationship is impossible between the two of you. The onus is and would be on you for a long time to convince her that you indeed love her and that what you feel for her is solid enough to withstand the challenges of your different social classes.
Assure her that your love doesn’t come with tags of unequal social class because what you see in her is priceless. She has to have faith in you and your love to make her overcome her inherent fears of being hurt by you or rejection by your family on account of her social background.
You cannot convince alone by mere words. She has to feel your sincerity in all the various ways a woman knows her man cherishes her.
She has to see and feel it in your cares, your protection, your placement of her in your scale of preference, your concern for her welfare and understanding of her needs.
If you advertise sex as being the only reason you want her by your side, you will never be able to convince her of your truthfulness and desires for her.
Continue to be selfless and self serving to her and your love for each other by telling her that money has nothing to do with the feelings of love.
Overtime she would come to understand how much you mean to her.
Good luck.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I’m dying due to low self-esteem…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing, that only male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of acquiring injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times I was labelled very proud an arrogant. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive but I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I try, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Joy.
Dear Joy,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse so be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. The used the weapon of fear to instil discipline. It is their way of ensuring you a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters, hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have to be a social butterfly to be friendly, but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow him or her. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing, that only male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of acquiring injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times I was labelled very proud an arrogant. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive but I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I try, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Joy.
Dear Joy,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse so be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. The used the weapon of fear to instil discipline. It is their way of ensuring you a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters, hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have to be a social butterfly to be friendly, but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow him or her. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
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