Dear Agatha,
I want you to help solve these problems facing me.
I am a new bride. My husband’s younger brother in his third year in secondary school is living with us. I discharge my responsibilities to this boy as his brother's wife. I give him transport fare to and fro school in addition to pocket money. As one who aspires to be a mother, I ensure he lacks nothing but my problem with him is that he has no respect for me at all.
He never does anything I ask him to do. I combine working with going to school. One day I came back from school at 8p.m. to discover there was no water at home when my husband came back he was very angry with me saying I should have gone out to fetch water when I noticed that there was no water at that time of the night.
As if that wasn’t enough, recently the boy refused to wash his own clothes only for my husband to get upset with me insisting I should have washed the clothes for him.
The humiliation is becoming too much for me. I am no longer happy with my husband. I want to send that boy back to his parents or I live for him. Please advice me on what to do.
Favour.
Dear Favour,
Don’t make the mistake of giving your husband such ultimatum. It is too early in the day and could cause major problems with your in-laws who could just be waiting for this opportunity to start fomenting trouble in your home.
This boy couldn’t have been acting on his own volition. He is acting a script prepared for him by the unseen hands of some people in the family who may not be happy with the choice of you as their son’s wife. Insisting he goes back would only justify their reason for not liking you in the first place.
Besides, these are the same people you will have to live with for the rest of your life, so would your children in that family. Many a time, it is the beginning of a problem we know, the time and format it would take is usually unknown to us. It is best you don’t even begin a battle you cannot finish especially with one so young, who at best could be your child. He is too minor for you to vacate your home.
Don’t also blame him. The blame is your husband’s. The boy is responding to you the way your husband has projected you. Had your husband stood his grounds, no matter the brief the boy must have got from home, would have been neutralised by him. His attitude so far only encourages the boy to further humiliate you.
To be frank, it is not this boy you have problems with; rather it is your husband who has decided to stripe you of the respect you have as his wife. It is your husband that is empowering him to continue in his attitude towards you.
Sending that boy home would not solve this problem in the long run as your husband would continue to humiliate you in the presence of any member of his family. How many people can you fight?
One of the solutions is for you to stand up to your husband to demand for your right as his wife. Impress it on him that any insult on your person is his to share too.
What you should first do is to call the boy aside and talk to him as you would your child. Make him understand that you have taken him as your son and as your son, you expect him to accord you the respect deserving of your position as his mother.
He is too young for you not to be able to handle. Let him know that as long as he stays in your house, he has to execute his own side of the bargain. If possible explain the different duties you and your husband do to make his stay comfortable. For instance let him know that you are the one who pays his transport fare to and fro school as well as buy him those things you bring home for him.
This, he has to know to help you erase whatever impression or thoughts may have been implanted into his head before your marriage to his brother.
Don’t also forget that he is in his teenage years, that time in the life of every child they become difficult to manage and generally recalcitrant. The way you manage him will show how well you can manage your own child. Besides, you must also appreciate the fact that you are both coming from different backgrounds.
It could be in his house, his mother does all the chores for him like washing of clothes and fetching of water. Changing from the training he got from home may not be that easy. The transition would take tact and wisdom from you to bring about.
This is why you must first take him on to know if he is being deliberately mischievous, or just acting his training out.
You may also have to take a trip outside your home to get information. For instance, look at any of your in-laws, who has the friendliest attitude towards you and confide the challenge you are having with your young brother-in-law. The intention is not to drive him but to serve as your back up should things degenerate and principally to get the right information to help you tackle him.
Have it at the back of your mind that marriage is never a smooth ride. Problems could come from anywhere. Your own children might just be the ones causing the quack in your marriage. We all just have to learn how to manage the peculiarities of our challenges.
The other step you should take is to call your husband to express your reservations at his handling of the matter. Let him know that even if you have treated his brother in a way he doesn’t like, he should call you to express his reservations not drag you in the mud right in front of the third party.
From this beginning learn to voice your objections, albeit in a very respectful way. Your husband has to know that you derive your strength from him and that when he denies you the cover you need to be strong, you are not the only one who is exposed but he too. Frankly, he is the one you have the major challenge with not any of your in-laws, least of all, this boy.
Whatever happens learn to be patient and loving to this young man despite his behaviour. This does not mean you should indulge him but exercise the tolerance to train him in the right way.
Don’t worry, if he gets rude at times, a disciplinary measure executed in love will fix the problem quicker than shouting and fighting.
Besides, you need people like him to train you to help develop well in crisis management.
Importantly, go before God in prayers. Commit your marriage to Him as well as all the challenges inherent in it.
Good luck.
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