Thursday, February 9, 2012

Met in party, had the fun, now I’m pregnant…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I urgently need help in resolving the mess I have put myself in.
My birthday was in the first week of December. My friends organised a birthday party for me. It was fun and one thing led to another between one of my male guests and I. we ended up in bed that night. I didn’t plan it, it just happened.
For me, it was fun, one of those things one does. Unfortunately for me, it has resulted in a pregnancy I cannot terminate because of the delicate nature of my womb.
My boyfriend, who has been away for three months just got back into town after the national strike, so cannot pass off the pregnancy as his.
Three things bother me about this pregnancy: I don’t know where the father of my unborn child lives. My friend who organised the party doesn’t even know whom he came with. I can’t even make out his face. I went to the extent I did with him on that day, because I was both lonely and in need of male company. To me, it was meant to be a one night of pure passion with a stranger.
The second issue is how to tell my boyfriend of five years. We have tentatively fixed our wedding day for the second weekend in April. How do I explain to him that I am with another man’s child?
The third problem has to do with my parents. My parents are both pastors and have high hopes for me. As a matter of fact my father still thinks I am a virgin at 25. He, particular, will be so disappointed and how do I explain the lack of father for this child? How do I explain to my parents and boyfriend that I slept with a man I was meeting for the first time?
I truly love and cherish my boyfriend. I honestly didn’t plan any of these to happen. I am so confused and don’t know what to do.
Is there anything I can drink to bring this baby down since all the efforts I have put into terminating it have failed?
There is no way I can keep this baby at all. Keeping it will mean losing my life, dreams and place in my father’s heart. Please tell me what to do since I don’t see myself keeping this pregnancy. If I don’t kill myself first, my father will certainly do it, because he is not only strict; so much so, he doesn’t wed pregnant women in his church. People will mock and laugh at my parents’ ministry and me.
It isn’t as if I cannot cope financially, I earn a good salary as a staffer of a telecommunication company, but the outrage that will follow from every quarter is what I fear the most.
Labake.

Dear Labake,
For all it is worth, this isn’t the end of the road for you. There is no use crying over spilt milk. The harm has been done; there is a baby on the way. These are facts you cannot change, no matter how hard you try. The wise thing to do at this difficult juncture of your life is to learn to accept it as the perfect will of God for you.
It may not be what you want, but it is what life is offering you at this point in time. There is no doubt, people will talk, but it is for only a while. Once the baby is born, they will forget and move on to other things and people, since there will always be issues happening to gossip about.
As for your parents’ ministry, if premised on the strenght and directions of God, it will survive. The ministry belongs to God and not them.
As for the reaction of your parents, especially your father, they will feel bad and disappointed naturally. But, there is nobody on earth that can question what God has permitted. The fact that this baby cannot be terminated underscores some inherent lessons for you, your parents, and young girls like you who take unnecessary risks with their bodies. Allowing a complete stranger get so close to you without any thought of precaution, prevention and consequences was thoughtless, but that is as far as you can go in the area of blame in this issue.
Granted, you have made a mistake, but if you calm down sufficiently to think, you will discover that there is no problem on earth that has no solution.
You are getting hysterical, because you are attempting to solve all the attendant issues at once. Take one at a time. The first person that deserves to be told about your condition is your boyfriend of several years. The earlier you told him the truth, the better for you.
He deserves to know the truth about what happened that day. Don’t leave anything out of your story. As it is, you have hurt him enough; don’t hurt him any further by lying to him about the incident that led to your being pregnant for another man.
In so doing, you have given him his freedom to make up his mind about you or the relationship.
The next thing is to inform your parents about it. At 25, you are no longer a baby, which means nobody is going to condemn you for your actions. It would have been another kettle of fish if you were still underaged. Under every known law, you are an adult – no longer under the control of your parents – so there is really no way they can be blamed for your actions.
Yes, your father will be disappointed because he expected more from you given the kind of training he gave you. But, that is all he can do – get angry. He cannot beat or harm you. The worst he can do at this point is to disown you for giving him a grandchild whose father you don’t know his whereabouts. It would have been a different matter if you cannot point to any man as being responsible. At least you know whom. Although a little consolation given your delicate situation, but God says we should be grateful in every situation we find ourselves.
After informing them, if you can, relocate. You can ask your office to transfer you out of Lagos, but if it is impossible, change your current accomodation before the pregnancy becomes obvious. Go to a place where no one knows you or your history to start all over again.
However, don’t give up on finding the young man you got pregnant for. Take time to go through the list of those your friend invited for the party. If you are thorough and not shy to ask questions, one or two persons must have observed your intimacy to the man that night. Such persons may have the information you need to locate him.
The essence of finding him is not to force him to take responsibility, but to be aware that he has a child somewhere.
There is no situation worth taking one’s life. Time has a way of healing our pains.
As for the unborn child, let it be. That child has a reason for coming. If you insist on terminating the pregnancy you may end up with a deformed child. To add a deformed child to the problems you have is to give yourself a burden you cannot shoulder. Therefore allow the child be. You have made one mistake; don’t make another one. Besides, what you are trying to do is to terminate a life you didn’t create. This innocent child didn’t make the decision for you to have unprotected sex; you did so why end a life that is yet to begin all because you got careless?
When we get to a diffuclt Y-junction in life, God remains our best bet. He can forgive your first mistake, but not that of terminating this pregnancy. And since you have been warned by doctors not to attempt it, just let it be.
Once you are able to get to the point of realising that no man can change what God has done, you will be better equipped emotionally and spiritually to handle this matter. If God had intended you and your boyfriend of five years to end up as an item, this wouldn’t have happened. And since He is the only one that has our master plan in His custody, we lack the right to question certain things in life. Your peace is accepting your situation. Nobody can appeal His decision.
Good luck.

My mother got me a social misfit as wife…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I am married, but in all my almost nine years of marriage, I have never for one second enjoyed the marriage. I actually married my wife due to pressure from my mother, who is my mother-in-law’s friend.
Being her only son, I agreed even though we didn’t have anything in common as man and wife.
As a woman, she is dirty, rude, and a nag. In addition, she doesn’t know how to cook. She is also very jealous and doesn’t hesistate to disgrace me whenever she sees me close to any woman. On several occassions she has come to the office to fight me for being close to one particular female colleague or another. I have kept my job despite all the embarrassments from my wife because of my dedication to my job and closeness to the managing director.
I tried to make my mother happy by putting in my best into the marriage, but I simply cannot endure the situation any longer. Funny enough since I got married, I have never been unfaithful to her.
Even my mother at this point is tired of the whole charade my marriage has become. Severally, she has had reason to call my wife after witnessing the way she behaves at home and towards me to counsel her on the need for her to be a good wife and mother to our son.
Her carelessness and wickedness almost cost us the life of our son, which informed my reason for sending him to boarding school.
Sometime last year, I collasped in the office and was rushed to the hospital where it was discovered I have high blood pressure. But for divine intervention I would have died.
Following this development, I have made up my mind to end my marriage and move on with my life. I don’t want to die in my prime. I am just 38 years of age and don’t wish to remain married to a woman who has little or no regard for my person.
Agatha, please help give meaning to my life. I know you will never support a divorce, but if you have been through a terrible marriage like mine you will understand my pains and help restore back my pride as a man.
Desperate Man.


Dear Desperate Man,
Contrary to what you think, I have gone through terrible situations in life, which is why I am able to balance some issues on this page. I have and still carry my fair share of pains, disappointments and tears. But I have also found so much joy in allowing God take charge; this way, I am at peace with my world as well as choices I have to deal with in my every day life.
My experiences have eqaully taught me that life wasn’t designed by God to be easy and fair to mankind. Life is a school and for us to move onto the next stage, we must grow the patience, determination and faith in God to overcome what each stage throws at us.
Life also demands that we take action when necessary. Procastination is man’s worst enemy. Marriage isn’t something we go into to please anybody. You agreed to marry your wife to make your mother happy forgetting that you cannot tie your happiness to someone else’s, not even your mother was worth giving up your entire happiness for.
She had no right to demand that of you especially as her own experiences must have taught her one or two things about the marriage institution.
But it isn’t too late to start all over again. Rather than contemplate leaving her, both of you can sit down to re-negotiate your stay together. Having stayed together for nine years, unquestionably there must be one or two things buried in your seemingly pile of challenges that have kept the marriage going. It goes beyond trying to please your mother.
If it were just a case of you trying to make your mother happy, this marriage wouldn’t have lasted beyond the first two years. Both of you would have since become history.
On the other hand, both of you are not happy together because you have refused to let go of the memories of the reason both of you got married. Until you are able to forgive and forget the grounds for your matrimony, you will never find reasons to enjoy your marriage just as you will always find excuses to blame her for whatever is wrong with the marriage.
It is pointless blaming her for your weakness as a man, your inability to resist your mother’s pressure for you to marry the daughter of her best friend.
The fact that you agreed to be so persuaded underscores that deep down, you feel something for her; you just don’t know what it is that you feel. The only way you can be sure this marriage is over is to take time out to ask yourself what you really hate about it. Does your hatred draw strenght from the fact that your mother forced you into marrying her or from the person you married?
You can only be sure if you sit down to really think about it. If the resentment comes from your mother depriving you of the chance to be your own man, marry the person you like; there is still a chance that once you get past the issue of your antipathy at the role of your mother, you will begin to appreciate the person of your wife as well as the real reason you have stayed with her all these years despite the negative things you claim about her.
The reason for this appraisal is important to your overall well-being in the future. Life has a way of pointing out our mistakes when it is too late. You have to be sure your reasons for wanting to end this marriage are right and not leave room for future regrets.
Knowledge is power. Once you know what and where the problems really are, you would know how to go about either helping your marriage become better or ending it to give yourself peace in life.
Even if you have problems with her person, there are still ways you can get her to become your ideal person. For instance, make the attempt to know why she is the way she is. What gives her pleasure in her dirty and nagging habits? Sometimes frustration can make a woman do things out of character. The comprehension, that you only married her to please your mother and not because you love her is enough to make most women become aggravated. Fighting you, keeping the house dirty and nagging could just be her way of getting you to notice that she is a woman.
A little love as well as attention can really change her into the kind of woman you want. As long as you continue to be embittered by your reasons for marrying her, you will never be able to see past your anger to appreciate her kind of person. It couldn’t have been tea party for her, knowing that the man she married and has a child for, doesn’t even regard her as a person, let alone a woman.
There is no marriage that cannot be put right once the two people involved are determined to make a change for the better. She may not be your ideal woman from the beginning, but may end up being just that if you only give her a chance to feel wanted.
No woman wants to feel inferior or unloved. It can make a sane woman become insane.
The funny thing is that she isn’t the only one suffering. You also are. At 38, if you have started having heart problem, then it is not just time you did something, but also time you are very honest with yourself and issues affecting your life to avoid your health situation becoming worse.
Any action you take without first considering its implication, would boomerang on your life. Marriage is such a tricky venture. What looks so right in the beginning may end up not looking such a wonderful idea later in life.
You may think once you end this marriage, your problems are over, every person or association comes with factory-designed errors. No person is perfect, hence your next wife may turn out to be worse than your current one. Sometimes the grass that appears greener on the other side ends up becoming less attractive when one steps on it.
Before making up your mind finally about your current marriage, call your wife with a view of discussing all outstanding problems in your marriage. Once you are able to talk, agree on some issues, a lot of things would become resolved. Whatever you agree on let it be mutual.
Also learn to pray for God’s assistance always.
Good luck.

After a baby, my live-in lover’s zeal wanes…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I suspect my boyfriend is in another relationship. We have been dating for five years and planning to get married next year.
We are live-in lovers and have a child already. What we are waiting for is just the formal ceremony. I have always wanted a big wedding while he says he cannot afford it. He said he would prefer to pay the bride price first before saving for the big wedding. I refused then because I wanted it all. But the arrival of my baby last year, I have been pressuring him to go and pay my bride price, but he seems not to be in a hurry anymore.
Severally, I have questioned the changes in him, asked why he is no longer engrossed in our relationship, although he keeps assuring me otherwise, but I am sure I know what all the signs I am seeing mean.
I noticed certain things about the way he relates with me have changed. For instance, he forgot my birthday for the first time in five years and when I reminded him, he simply said he was too busy. And took him another two days to even get me a gift.
I also noticed that these days, he appears to be more interested in the baby, his appearance and the state of the house than my feelings. He is always on the phone and when I succeed to distract him, he practically rushes through the conversation.
To make matter worse, he has taken this new attitude to the bedroom. He rushes the process of initmacy to the extent the magic of the moment is lost. He began by telling me he wanted me to recover from the stress of childbirth.
It has been six months since the birth of the baby, but things have continued to depreciate in our relationship.
His mother keeps assuring me that nobody can take my place in her son’s life, but deep inside me I am scared that there is another woman somewhere.
I confirmed as much from the way he hoards phone these days. He doesn’t allow me come near his phone; he even takes it to the toilet with him.
My friends are urging me to trail him to the unknown woman’s place to warn her to stay away from my man. I really don’t know what to make of this.
Agatha, what can I do to make him come back to me? I know I can be stubborn at times, always wanting things done my way but we have been through a lot together.
Besides, I love him very much and ready to forgive him anything as long as he is by my side.
Please help me. My son and I miss him very much.
I don’t want to fight anyone. I just want him back.
Docas.


Dear Docas,
Thank God for your wisdom. I am glad that you know nothing positive would be achieved by you fighting him over mere suspicions.
Even if your suspicions eventually turn out to be right, still refuse to bow to the counsel of your friends. You really don’t have any business with the other woman if the truth must be told. Your business is with your man. Iron out whatever the issues are with him instead of fighting a fight you may never win especially if the issues that drove him into this woman’s arms persist in your home.
Although not every man needs an excuse to go into another relationship, but in most cases, the problems can be traced to the main woman. In your case, stubborness as well as lack of understanding of the nature of your man.
Only very few relationships can survive this imbalanace. Most men aren’t equipped to deal or put up with very stubborn women. In their opinion such women are great turn offs because they are difficult to manage.
Insisting you wanted a big wedding when he told you he didn’t have the money to finance it was wrong. Another woman would have asked him how much he had and agreed to manage it as long as it meant being with her man. Men are not so emotional about marriage as women do. Therefore when a man makes a demand for marriage, insists on it but not getting the kind of support from the woman, his interest soon begins to fade.
Your man may have gotten fed up waiting for you to accept him the way he is. And now that you appear to want it as desperately as he once wanted it and on the terms he gave you then, he appears to have moved on.
There is no challenge love and determination cannot overcome in a relationship. The firs thing is for you to retrace your steps. Be truthful enough to admit your mistakes. Once you do this, it simplifies the entire process of reconciliation with your man. One thing is for sure, if he has really made up his mind about you, he would have done one or two things: pack out of the house or ask you to leave. Beyond the child between the two of you, he has nothing else to consider because you are mere live-in lovers. There is no document or action under any law protecting your stay with him. Therefore, if he actually wanted you out of his life, it would have been very easy for him to show you the way out.
For this reason, be careful you don’t set off a chain of reactions in your relationship that you will later regret. And for all you know, he may just be acting this to break you down, make you accept your place in the relationship as well as jealous enough to make you think of the damage you are doing to the relationship.
There is no relationship that can survive with two masters. You must learn from this early stage how to befriend your man, make him do things for you without you makng a fool of him or obvious to him.
Humility is still one of the tools a wise woman uses in managing her relationship. Even if you wanted an elaborate wedding, you still have listened, considered his options and made allowances for his reasons. If you are so obstinate on the kind of wedding you want, what assurances you will listen to him in other matters?
This is one angle you should work on in your attitude. No man wants to end up with a woman he would argue with for the rest of his life. The fact that you made a dramatic you turn from what your position was without any reason is enough signal that you are only bothered about what makes you happy.
At the time he wanted you at all cost, you didn’t want him enough to give up your dream of a big wedding. Now that you have a child, afraid that you would lose everything if he fails to marry you now that you are a mother, you are willing to do things his way. Life doesn’t work like that.
If actually he is in a relationship and has found the woman who is selfless, willing to make him her man, invest in his happiness without weighing things in her favour first, it might be a little difficult for you to re-interest him in you without first making dramatic changes in your person.
Five years must have given you some vital knowledge of him. You should know by now how to get him to listen, know the things he likes best as well as what he expects of you. One thing my experiences in life has taught me, is absolute patience. Patience and selflessness go hand in hand. You now have to ‘stoop to conquer’ what you unwittingly gave up.
No matter how forbidden his looks are, beg him. Tell him you are sorry for being such a selfish person. Tell him about your resolve; this will tell him the thoughts and time you have put into making him happy again.
It is also important he knows that you are really sorry because you love him and not that you want to marry him at all cost. It is essential that your change of mind is from a heart of love, and not one of desperation.
There is something you are doing right that has kept you in his life for five years. Go back to the drawing board, find it and amplify it. Once you get it right with him and your relationship, the other woman would become a thing of the past.
In addition, learn to pray.
Good luck.

How do I meet Mr. Right?

With Agatha Edo Email:,womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626

Dear Agatha,
Please help me because I am very confused. I would be 25 years of age next year.
Why are men initially blind and very cruel to very good women only for them to come back to beg these women after they have hurt them beyond measure? And how come the very bad girls seem to have all the luck from beginning to the end?
I ask because much as I try to be good, being faithful, respectful and responsible, I still get hurt by men. Even though they come back to beg after, it still doesn’t stop the pains.
Agatha, are there still good men; ones that can be trusted? How do I get to meet one of them?
How do I know a man is going to be good to me? That he desires me for the purpose of sleeping with me or having something serious with me? Please educate me because I don’t want to be hurt again.
Blessing.

Dear Blessing,
Love is a very complex thing. It has no crystal answers. Only God can tell why we fall in love with a particular person and end up being friends with another kind of person.
The problem and confusion enveloping relationships today come from massive misconception of what we feel or what love means.
Often than not a lot of us mistake the wrong kind of feelings for the real thing.
Women are most prone to making this mistake. When a man does as much as smile or shows the slightest interest, the tendency is for a woman to begin to dream of wedding bells and gowns. This is the point where many women derail, and begin to mistake fake for the real things.
Because the man from the beginning never set out to have a serious relationship with her, not to talk of marrying her, he capitalises on her desires to take what she has to offer before moving on to the woman he has desires for.
To have a meaningful relationship, a man must first have the desire to have the woman in his life. If a man doesn’t first make up his mind to have a woman in his, no matter how good the woman is, beautiful or responsible; she would eventually be dumped for another by the man because he lacks the desire to have her in his life.
So the first thing is for the man to love a woman for herself. When a man is truly in love with a woman, he would accommodate anything from her. The first sign of a man’s seriousness is his attitude to the woman. This attitude ignores all the big minuses in her and goes ahead to defend her.
You would know a man who loves you if he doesn’t ask you for sex, wants to be your friend, gives his unconditional attention as well as being constantly on the lookout for your interest. This man is careful not to hurt you, allows you to air your opinion on an issue, tells you everything about him, shows you respect, gives you a chance to explain even when all evidences point to the contrary, is supportive, tolerant, loyal to you.
All these you won’t discover in a day but would as time unfolds.
The first thing is to observe is his willingness from the onset to treat you with respect. If the first thing a man wants from you is sex, then be warned that he is not interested in having you for keeps. Also be wary of any man who from the early days of your meeting begins to talk about marriage. Most men are wise on the knowledge that most women go potty and give off themselves unconditionally when a man promises marriage.
Men employ this trick on women they suspect are desperate to tie the knot.
To ensure you don’t fall victim of this smart move by some men to get a woman on her back, don’t be won over by such promises. Any man who is serious about marrying you would wait for the right time before attempting anything.
When it comes to the issue of marriage, men are usually more thorough and reserved because they know the implication of the wrong woman sharing their homes and lives. Whereas women get carried away by materialism and idealism, men pause to take a detailed look at other factors, so won’t hurry into marriage.
Again, given the fact that a lot of women are impatient to marry, they mistake this caution for unwillingness and reluctance on the part of the man to marry her.
Where there is true love, no matter what happens, the man and the woman must be able to express their feelings and take a beneficial decision.
Love isn’t a feeling of excitement but that of learning to accommodate the deficiencies of the person one is in love with. There is no way a man who loves you would refuse to help you become a better person.
You can only learn to find true love if you recognise that love is a thorough process of loving yourself in another person. You recognise true love when you know that the other person in addition to the good sides has part of your mistakes, bad sides, deficiencies.
As for good girls falling into the wrong hands, it is the way of life. On the surface it appears as if the bad ones seem to be having all the luck while the good ones seem to be suffering all the bad luck.
But, in the end, God always compensate those who learn to trust in Him without conditions.
Most times those who think they are good, sit in judgment over the affairs of others, using their purported goodness as benchmark. What you think are your virtues may really be your doom. That person you think you are better than may inwardly have better qualities than you. If we all learn to respect our limits in life as well as open ourselves up for knowledge, things would work better for us.
Condemnation and labelling won’t help you improve on your person. Get close to those people you think are bad. What are they doing differently from you? How come things work better for them when despite your righteousness you are not able to achieve?
The secret is to be fair minded because no man is an island of knowledge or repository of the right values. We must learn to give to get.
Love would come to you at the right time but you have to prepare to recognise it when it comes. This you must do by first appreciating that you are imperfect as well as develop a dream of your own.
Also learn to tap into God’s plans for you through prayers by refusing to act desperately and allowing God chart your path in life.
Good luck.

My mother-in-law is crude

With Agatha Edo,Email:,womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626


Dear Agatha,
My mother-in-law is rude, unpolished and unbearable. I got married in June last year and had my baby in October.
Even though my mother came to help me with the baby, my husband insisted he wanted his mother to come over too since my baby happens to be her first grandchild.
Nothing my mother did was good enough for her. She wanted things done only her way. It got to a point, my mother had to leave because she couldn’t endure the situation anymore.
What really angered my mother was the reaction of my husband to his mother’s attitude. Being my mother, she understood my needs better and I preferred her cooking to my mother in-law’s. Unfortunately, my husband appeared not to like my mother’s cooking. Whenever my mother prepares a meal, he either doesn’t eat it or finds an excuse to abandon the food after one or two spoons even when he claims to be hungry.
The fact that I insisted my mother does the cooking got my husband upset. Until my mother was forced to leave as a result of his attitude, he simply stopped eating at home. He only ate when his mother does the cooking and on those days, I too won’t be able to eat because I prefer my mother’s cooking.
Since my mother left, it has been tough for me. I noticed that his mother doesn’t wash our clothes (me and my baby’s) properly. I suspected she was doing it deliberately and I started washing my clothes myself. But before then, I told my husband about the clothes; rather than confront his mother, he took it as a personal insult on his mother. I am not sure whether he told her but I noticed she wasn’t too keen anymore washing my clothes or that of the baby hence my decision to do the washing myself.
I also took over my kitchen. Last week, without any warning, she announced her intentions to go back to her husband’s house. I was happy because it meant my mother would be able to come back to look after me but the issues are, my husband doesn’t want my mother back and my mother is insisting my husband as well as his mother owe her an apology for the way she was treated when she was in my house.
I feel the same way. But, how do I tell my husband my mother’s demand because he is short-fused these days. He is becoming cranky and I no longer enjoy being in the same place with him as a result of his attitude.
How do I get him to see my mother and beg her to come back to help me?
Olufemi.

Dear Olufemi,
Judging from your mail, I am not sure, you are fully prepared for the journey of matrimony. There is no woman who describes her mother-in-law with the kinds of expressions you used, may not last or stay long in her husband’s house.
Besides, it showcases you as one who lacks appreciation. For her to leave whatever she was doing to come to your house to wash, cook and care for you, is enough for you to forgive whatever mistake she makes in the cause of her stay in your house. She didn’t have to wash your clothes but she did out of love for her son and grandchild. Implying she didn’t wash them well was totally beyond you.
In calling your husband’s mother such names, you forget that a time would come in your life when another woman, married to your son will also describe you in such terms.
No matter the offence of this woman, you lack the right to use such harsh words on her. It underscores your own attitude and contempt for everything she represents. Unfortunately, her son, your husband and father to your child are products of her person. To hate her, is to hate everything that has a relationship with her.
Since you cannot hate your husband and child, you must find ways of ensuring you reconcile with her. Painfully, your mother who has the experience as well as the knowledge of the diplomacy every woman needs to navigate her matrimonial home should have warned you to be cautious.
If you want the truth, your mother has not helped you a bit in the management of your home. She should not have attempted to cook your meals in the presence of your mother-in-law. What she should have done is to insist you adapted to meals prepared by your mother-in-law. Joining your mother-in-law to drag the kitchen, was very wrong of your mother. Whether you like it or not, you are the one who has to adjust to eating what your husband and his mother like because the onus is on you to protect your home.
While your husband can refuse not to eat the food you cook on account of it not tasting like his mother’s, you as the woman cannot afford that luxury. Therefore, you are the one who has to learn how to cook like his mother. And what better opportunity than now that she is with you to learn how to cook the special meals your husband grew up with? This is what a wise woman would do. Don’t forget that nobody knows your husband the way she does or can cook the meals he likes the way his mother does.
Marriage goes beyond making babies. That you have a child for him isn’t all you have to do to make your marriage succeed as a woman. There are many angles to a good marriage. And for a man, to cook his food is a must; it is what makes the difference between being a bachelor and a married man.
What would be his testimony as a married man, if he cannot get good food in his house? No matter how bad you consider his mother’s cooking to be, it is still the best in his opinion hence would resist any attempt by you or anybody to rubbish the toils of his mother over him.
Just as you want him to accord your mother her due respect, you must also learn to give his mother her respect. Without that woman, who you used such colourful language to describe, there won’t be him and your baby. If she is unpolished, rude and uncultured, then your husband is all these attributes put together. Deep down, do you see all these attributes you have painted of his mother in your man? If you have, then these are the qualities you unknowingly fell in love with. This is because she can only give what she has to her son. We are products of our parents. Just as you are your mother’s daughter, he is his mother’s son.
To be very honest with you, there is no having this man without his mother. You must learn from this early; how to manage and harmonise his good and bad sides.
Don’t also forget you are also a mother and would one day find yourself in her position.
For this reason, be careful you don’t create a problem you cannot manage in your marriage, one that would take forever to resolve. This isn’t a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship; marriage is a permanent thing hence the need for you to apply wisdom at all times.
If you listen too much to your mother, you may not have a marriage at the end of the day because you are a woman. She doesn’t own your home or has the rights your mother-in-law has in her son’s house. You know your mother, ask yourself if she would tolerate or endure the kinds of things your mother-in-law put up with in your brother’s house?
Tell your mother that while she is within her rights to ask your husband to apologise to her for whatever wrong he may have done her, she should leave your mother-in-law out of it.
At this juncture, I think, it may be wise for both mothers to be left out of your home, at least for now because they appear to be causing problems in your young marriage. This would enable you and your husband nurture your marriage while you also pray for a lot of tolerance, wisdom and maturity to make your marriage work.
Good luck.