Dear Agatha,
Thank you for all these years that you have personally taken upon yourself the problems of others. I am a naturalised American citizen with Nigerian roots. I am writing you this letter because of a lady I met online in April 2004. We communicated by phone and through the Internet for some months and during this period, we discussed many issues. One of the issues discussed was building a well-founded relationship that may culminate in marriage. Honestly speaking, I wanted to share the rest of my life with her.
On or about October 2005, I came to Nigeria for my yearly visit and met her in person. Although she is not from my tribe, we got to like each other very much because tribe is not important to me as an individual that is almost an outsider to Nigeria for over two decades; tribalism would be the last thing that will come to my mind when looking for a woman that I will share my body and soul with. She was a nice looking girl and a student of one of the second generation universities in the South South. I hold a doctor of law degree from an American University and I practice law in New York. The age difference was not an issue because she told me it was accepted in Nigeria. We dated from that period until something happened in October 2009.
During my visit to Nigeria in 2007, I noticed some changes in her behaviour and when I asked what the matter was, she said her landlady was evicting her from her apartment for non-renewal of her lease. I gave her the money to renew her lease for the year. I thought that problem was solved and that she would be more accommodating but she was still not happy and no other reason was postulated for that. And when I asked her whether she was seeing someone else, she answered in the negative. I pressed her hard to let me know if she was involved in a relationship with someone else, and that I should be given a reasonably notice so that I can move on with my life. Throughout the period of our relationship, I supported her financially from New York through the Western Union.
On July 17. 2009, I was informed of the death of my aged father. Immediately I knew of the burial dates, I informed this girl that I would be coming to Nigeria and that her presence would be gladly appreciated. We settled for the transportation money that would take her from her South South place of abode to the Lagos Airport to await my arrival on a certain date. When I arrived Lagos, this girl was nowhere to be found and when I attempted calling her phone number on several occasions, the phone was not reachable. I tried again several times when I arrived Benin City but to no avail. Finally, she answered my phone after my father’s burial ceremony was over. When I asked her why she did not meet me in Lagos as we agreed, there was no reasonable response given. I thereafter invited her to Benin to meet with me. She neither refused nor accepted my invitation. Throughout my stay in Benin, which lasted 30 days, she did not come.
However, when I arrived New York, this girl who barely spoke to me on the phone while I was in Benin has been calling me non-stop, sending non-stop texts but I equally refused to answer her phone calls or return her text messages. From one of her text messages, she said she wanted to tell me her own side of the story. I vehemently refused to hear any story from her because I knew that this so-called relationship is over.
My worry is on whether I was too hash for refusing to pick her phone calls to hear her own story or respond to her numerous text messages. I would appreciate your candid response to my predicament.
Anxious Yankee.
Dear Anxious Yankee,
Two wrongs never make things right. Granted you have every reason to be angry and suspect her of insincerity, all the same, give her a chance to say what she has to say. You have all the rights in the world to accept her reasons or not, but it is always better for posterity sake to give every relationship the chance to either revive or terminate itself naturally.
This way, regrets and all the many ifs that follow get buried with the relationship. Doubtless, she has given you enough grounds to doubt her love for you, and made you wonder about the possibility of another relationship. But hearing her excuse would give you the same opportunity to ask pertinent question of your own and perhaps consider taking some of the steps you should have taken long ago.
One thing you must never lose sight of is the concomitant problems your staying millions of miles apart are causing between the two of you. First is the cloud of doubts in her mind as each day passes by. As a woman, time is of essence. She cannot afford the luxury of the time a man has. Mother Nature has put her under a time limit. Each season of her life is defined by nature. A by-gone season is always difficult to challenge in another season. She is in the season to make some important decisions that will affect the course of her life. Failure to do so now may see her wasting away on the spinster shelf.
At her age, only a few women can peg all their hopes on yearly visits. Being in Nigeria with her family and friends, even if she intends spending all her life with you, the fact that nothing concrete seems to be happening from your end would make all the pressures on her from these circle of people most difficult to oppose.
Sincerely, if you haven’t done anything to concretise your desire to spend the rest of your life with her by way of meeting her parents and she meeting yours and both families coming together to discuss the future of both of you, whatever you and her may have discussed is still promissory, an agreement that may not work in her favor at the end of the day.
Being generous with money on her is not enough; money cannot give her warmth or fill the void your presence has created in her life. Money can only guarantee material comfort. As a young lady, a time would come when no amount of money you give her would be enough incentive to keep hoping on your agreement.
The time has come for you to make up your mind about what you really want and take the bold step towards its actualisation.
If you want this girl, despite what her offences are, talk to her and clear all doubts in her mind. Five years is a long time for you especially to be desperate to have your wife come to live with you. Your refusal to be desperate in wanting her to come over, may make her think there is another woman living with you. While there is still no concrete evidence that she is cheating on you, if she is doing it, this may be another factor.
Put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine how she is feeling: her fears that she might be disappointed at the end of the day. Certainly her steps and decisions are condemnable but you have to listen to her to understand where she is coming from.
If at the end of the day, her reasons make sense to you and you can find it in your heart to forgive, do so and immediately take the important step to have her come over to you.
It is only an unwise person that leaves the best of his flock in an unprotected open field. To do that, is an open invitation to the wolves to have an unhindered feast.
If she means anything to you and you love her as you said, move away from promises to fulfilling the promises.
It is the way to get her back to you, weaken whatever relationship she is into or resolve pressures around her.
One more thing, reading through your letter gives the impression that you favour technicalities. Relationship is about spontaneity. It is something you feel, not reason. Notices are not given to fall in love. Asking her to give you a notice when she wants to quit isn’t the right approach or attitude of someone who is in love. This too may have sent some wrong signals into her. A man in love would do anything to keep the woman in his life by his side.
Above all, seek the assistance of God because he only has all the wisdom.
Good luck.
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