Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wednesday, December 16
My Stepmother Divides Our Family

Dear Agatha,
We lost our mother sometime in March 1975 and our father remarried in 1979. We had what a child will call a difficult childhood without a mother. My father’s wife never for one day treated us as her children. We were, to her, another wives to my father.

However, when we became of age I told my siblings never to repay evil for evil, and that whatever happened be regarded as part of our destiny. To an extent, they all agreed with me. Her three children had free access to our homes, finances. Anyone who didn’t know would think we are all from the same mother. God used us to sponsor them through universities, a fact our father knows and says.
Despite this, she still refused to give us our due respect or treat us as her own. Being Christians, we ignore her especially as we all live far from home. While we do not lay claim to being saints, we believe there are no grievances that cannot be resolved.

Going by her children’s attitude these days, it is becoming apparent they too want separation from us. To be honest, it isn’t as if I am afraid of trouble, but not one within the family set-up.
Agatha, how do we handle this situation so that we can all come together as a family? What role must each of us play and what do we tell our father. He is aged and sad about this development.
Kindly advise me.
Anthony.




Dear Anthony,
The major problem came from your father. Had he from the beginning curbed the excesses of his wife, insisted on all his children functioning as an entity from the same source, the situation wouldn’t have endured to this level.
There is no way you can get someone who doesn’t want to be part of a team to play your game. The wise thing to do is to allow them be. Until they desire it, you will only be wasting your time trying to make them dance to your rhythm. There has to be a corresponding desire from their end for any effort you and your mother’s children make to be fruitful.
Frankly, the only person who can do anything about it is your father. He must be concerned about what happens to his family at his death. If his family were divided when he is still alive, what would happen when he dies?
As the next head of the family, there is the need for you to go to him to impress it on him to call a family meeting of his wife and all the children. At the meeting he should give everybody the chance to speak out his or her fears and grievances. His wife should speak first. This is to ensure she sits through the meeting and stop her from accusing you and your father of setting up the meeting to humiliate her.
As the woman of the house, let her tell all of you what her fears are. Thereafter, starting from you, each child should be given the chance to talk.
During the meeting, the issue of inheritance should be discussed. While your stepmother may shy away from telling the meeting her real reason for maltreating your mother’s children, you shouldn’t. If God is blessing you and your siblings so much so you were all able to pay the school fees of her children, you and your siblings should meet to discuss what you all intend to do with your father’s property if there is anything.
But good wisdom demands that if the need be, allow her and the children have their fill, taking into account that life isn’t about the property we live behind, but the peace of mind we were able to enjoy. If her intentions have always been to corner the property for her children, nothing you do for her and her children would ever be enough or thaw her attitude towards you and your siblings.
It is the truth, one you cannot run away from no matter how religious you have become. So, in the interest of the unity of the family, you must be ready for some form of sacrifices, because with this type of person, only one way is good enough, her own way.
There is no pleasing this type of person, and if her children are anything like her, be ready for acrimony.
Family issues are the most difficult to resolve without the fear and wisdom of God. The issues go beyond your siblings and her. You would be surprised at the many unseen hands behind the issue you are now trying to resolve. A lot of your extended family members for personal reasons are waiting in the wings to help all of you remain divided because it is only in a crisis that they can benefit. For this reason, you must learn to let go of so many things, including what those who are not close to God term important things. If you are all true Christians and have the confidence in the God you serve to do all things, concede to her and her children whatever they want. It will never stop you from reaching where God has ordained. It would instead stop them from executing their evil plans against you and your siblings. Immediate victories are usually not the enduring ones rather those won after a long period of sacrifices are usually the lasting ones. Give her and her children their victory today and allow God give you the everlasting kind, the type that would see them coming back to you in later years to ask for forgiveness.
That should be your attitude at the meeting with your father and his household. God will give you the wisdom to do what is right.
Good luck.
Tuesday, December 15
After He Duped Me, Bid Bye On Frown Face


Dear Agatha,
God bless you for your wonderful advice and may God continue to bless and increase you in all your doings.
I am the same person that wrote about his refusal to come to the house.
I met this guy who is 32 years of age six months ago and fell in love with him. Before we started dating he was the one making all the calls as well as sending all text messages. Suddenly, he changed. He stopped calling me as frequent as before. He started complaining about lack of money to load his phone on account of him not working. Because I love him so much, I didn’t complain too much.
There is this particular business he indicated interest in, but couldn’t venture into due to lack of funds. One day while at work he called to know if I could help him secure a loan from a bank. He suggested I use my salary account as security to get the loan.
The money he mentioned was much. After he dropped the phone, I sat back to think and came to the conclusion that it was too risky a thing for me to do. Even if I have such an opportunity, I would rather use the money to further my studies or invest for my mother.
However, I decided to give him N40, 000 out of my monthly contribution in the office as demonstration of my loyalty to him.
Before the sallah break, we didn’t agree on whether we would see or not. A day before sallah, I called him to ask if he wanted us to see. He said there was no problem and that he was at home.
That Friday night I tried to call him, but his phone was switched off, I tried his line throughout the night, but wasn’t available. He, however, picked it in the morning only for him to ask if I have anything to give him. He however told me to come over to his house. When I was almost at his house, I called to inform him that I was almost at his place. To my surprise, he told me I should have told him before leaving my house because he wasn’t at home.
I still decided to proceed to his house, that notwithstanding.
When I got there, I got the biggest shock of my life as I met him with another girl watching a movie while the floor was littered with used condoms.
He greeted me as if I meant nothing to him and made the introductions.
Agatha, I can’t believe the humiliation as well as the disappointment. He didn’t even bother to come after me as I left his house. When he later called, it was not even to apologise but to query me on the rights I have to be monitoring him.
I felt both pity and shame for myself. It all snowballed into anger forcing me to send him a text message to refund my money. He replied that he didn’t have the money to pay. At the church, he said the same thing when I went to demand for my money. He didn’t stop at that, he called me a mad girl. And asked why should he be sorry for what he did, that if I wanted him to go on his knees to beg me?
It is so painful that after all the sacrifices, energy I put into building the relationship, this is what I get from a man I gave so much? He actually sent me a text never to ask for the money again and to let him be. It is particularly hurtful because we worship in the same church.
Agatha, will I be able to forgive him? Even if I do forgive him will I be able forget it?
Disappointed Lady.



Dear Disappointed Lady,
At one time or the other in the course of having relationships with members of the opposite sex, we have all had our fingers burnt. All you did for him, you did out of love so don’t hurt yourself any more than you already are by dwelling on the disappointment this relationship turned out to be.
The best thing to do now is to take stock of your own mistakes in all these. The exercise is intended to help you recognise the obvious signs of deception you ignored in this relationship.
The truth is, he never pretended to love or cherish you. You did all the loving and sacrifices. Perhaps you presented yourself too desperate to marry him, and he took advantage of you. It is the mistake many women make. Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Hence a relationship must be allowed to grow healthily before plans are made.
When a man senses a woman is too much in a hurry to end up as his wife, chances are he begins to misbehave and take advantage of her feelings. There is no contesting the fact that this man took advantage of your feelings, knew you wanted him and were willing to do anything to keep him.
When he started to complain about lack of money to call you, you should have known that something wasn’t too right especially as he had money to call and send numerous text messages to you while he was still asking you out.
The natural question should have been where did the money come from to make all those calls? The second sign came when he tried persuading you to use your salary account to get a loan for him without discussing it first with you or the mode of payment.
A man who has the interest of his woman at heart would have first broached the matter with her, discussed the business with her, listened to her inputs, jointly considered the viability, the gestation period as well as the projected time for profit. That he didn’t do any of these before asking you to take a loan for him ought to have raised alarm bells in your head?
If it is any consolation, in some ways, in the process of falling in love we have all, at one time or the other, being taking advantage of. You made a genuine mistake, one that a more reasonable and honest man would have appreciated. Don’t ask him for the money again. It makes you a much better and successful person that he is. Any man who does what he did to you isn’t worth crying over. Instead, you should count yourself very lucky that the loss isn’t much. What would you have done if you had gone ahead to help him secure the loan?
What do you think would happen if in the process of your being together, you got pregnant, do you think him responsible enough to take charge of the situation? Sometimes when God does things in our favour we, in our foolishness, think He is against us. That you discovered him and his ways early should make you extremely happy because if you hadn’t, chances are that you would still have continued to invest monetarily in him. How would you have felt if you didn’t discover him early enough and had continued to hope and put in all your resources in this relationship?
You must forgive if you want God to continue to have mercy on you. Despicable as his actions are, you need to allow memories of the pains he inflicted on you go, because to continue to hold on to them is telling God that you want to fight the battle by yourself. Like the money, forgive him. It remains the best way to be happy and victorious in life. The truth is that both of you weren’t intended to be an item. Refusing to forgive him is like telling God He made a mistake in His choice of a partner for you. Without him leaving your life, the right person won’t have the opportunity to come into your life. What you should do now is to pray that God sends the right man to you as soon as possible, someone who would care and appreciate the uniqueness that is you, not a man who would not think twice before humiliating you in the presence of his numerous girlfriends.
No man who has the fear of God in His heart would do that to the woman in his life. Even if he plays around he would go the extra mile to ensure his main woman never gets a hint of his foul play. For him to have humiliated you in such a way is enough prove that you and this man were never meant to be.
Good luck.



Is Henry Attanashious Reading This?


Dear Agatha,
I have a friend whose name is Henry Attanashious. He hails from Adamawa State, a Bassama tribe.
I lost contact with him since 1995, and have since been trying to get him, but to no avail. I would be grateful if anyone who knows him contacts me through this number,
08035939303.
Peter Olorunmaye.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Carrying His Baby Months After I Left Him!


Dear Agatha,


I am in a very difficult position. One I would find extremely difficult to explain to my former boyfriend. I honestly don’t even know how to explain it to myself let alone any other one, because it is a very strange thing.

My ex-boyfriend and I went our different ways about five months ago, and since then I haven’t slept with another man on account of the way we separated. I caught him with one of my very good friends. For me, it was the height of it all. Prior to that time, we have had issues concerning his ability to keep his pants zipped up.

Because I have always been told that relationship takes time to form, I kept enduring the situation for four years. But catching him with my friend was more than I could endure. I didn’t give him the chance to explain anything and told him in clear terms that I don’t ever want to see him. Even when some of his friends came to beg and explain that I should give him a chance to explain what really happened, I ignored them all. My parents also tried to speak on his behalf, but backed off when I made my stance very obvious.

I honestly thought I was rid of him until I discovered that I am about five months pregnant. The shock isn’t the pregnancy, but the way my body concealed the knowledge from me. Like I said, we have gone our separate ways and I am carrying his baby inside of me. How do I convince him that the child is his? How do I present the case to him and his family after telling him I am through with him? Will he believe me? Will he ever accept the child as his own? How do I bring a child whose birth would be clothed in controversy into the world? How do I explain the whole matter to my parents or his for that matter? Would he believe I didn’t know about the pregnancy until now? At 32, who would believe I didn’t know I was pregnant till now?

The few friends I told are divided in opinion. While some think abortion is still possible at this stage of the pregnancy, some think I should go ahead and have the baby on my own, since I have a good job without telling the father. Yet others think I owe myself and baby the responsibility of informing the father. And that even if he denies, at least, he would be aware of the existence of the baby.

I am in a very tight corner. Please help me. I love to have a baby, but not in this controversial manner. A doctor I contacted said it was too risky to abort the child at this stage. He also explained that some women don’t experience the usual signs and agrees it is inexplicable. I am so confused because even if he accepts I don’t want to marry him again. There is no way I can marry a man I don’t trust. And I don’t want to be a single mother either.

Iremide.


Dear Iremide,

I don’t subscribe to you aborting the baby whatever the situation. A child is a gift from God and only He has the right to touch a life. He takes and gives as He pleases. It isn’t in your place to do that. The fact that He didn’t allow you the pleasure of experiencing the natural signs a woman notices when she gets pregnant shows that this child is meant to be.

What this means is that this child is very determined to come and any attempt by you to terminate its life could result in your death too. So, be careful. At any rate, have you bothered to consider God’s reason for making all these happen? Naturally, when a woman takes in, her flow is expected to stop even if she is one of those lucky women who don’t experience nausea, spitting and discomfort associated with the early days of pregnancy. That none of these happened shows the benevolent hands of God at work.

Rather than worry at what this man would say, why not begin by thanking God for this special gift? I know and understand all the different shades of feelings you are going through as well as the attendant confusions, but going first to God would help you put things in their proper perspectives.

First, you have to accept the reality of the baby growing inside of you. That is not negotiable. You must have the calmness of mind to accept that no matter what happens between the father and you, this baby has come to stay and for a while may be your sole responsibility.

Once you have the grace to accept the baby as part of you, the attendant strength to face the hostility, condemnation as well as all the other negative attitudes from people around you would come from nowhere. This will help you know what advice to take and those to ignore. For instance, you will learn to shut out from your life those friends asking you to terminate this pregnancy. This is particularly necessary, because you caught your man with one of these so-called friends. Only the spirit of God can tell you the truth at all times.

Those urging you to abort a five months old pregnancy don’t mean well for you. A lot can go wrong even if you entrust your life to the best doctor in the world. What would be your story if you end up having damaged womb? Would say you lost your womb due to fears of raising a child alone? Would any of these friends give you any of their children to call your own? At 32, are you not old enough to be a mother or make your decision? Besides, have you stopped to consider the viability of your biological clock? What about the spiritual angle, the destiny of the individual? What if God reveals to you that child is meant to be your only child in life? Would you still be ashamed to care for it or make excuses for your reason to get rid of it?

If you have never given him cause to suspect you, lied to him, he would believe you. Only a man who doesn’t trust his woman or running away from responsibility would deny a woman he has slept with. Don’t judge or condemn him even before giving him a chance to defend his honour as a man. Yes, he may appear irresponsible to you on account of his behaviour, but when it comes to the issue of knowing that he is about to be a father, don’t deny him his rights. Your body may be incubating the child, but he is the father. Hence he has the right to know because you didn’t make the baby alone.

Even if he doubts the paternity of the baby, modern medicine has made such thing so simple. A DNA could be conducted on the foetus to determine the paternity or on the baby after birth.

Telling him doesn’t mean you have to go back to him if you don’t want to, but it would give both of you the chance to discuss the well being of this child God has graciously given to the two of you.

Overtime, it would also give you two the chance to re-assess your relationship. This child could be God’s way of forcing you to listen to the wise counsel of all those who tried to talk you out of your decision. There is no way you both won’t talk about the past if both of you plan to play prominent roles in the life of this child.

Until you listen to him, you won’t know how your friend ended up in the position you caught both of them. Have you ever tried considering the fact that your friend out of jealousy may have planned everything to ensure you broke up with him?

You will never know the true nature of some of your friends or motive of their friendship unless you hear this man out. Listening doesn’t mean you should forgive him, but knowing what actually transpired that day would go a long way in helping you understand a lot of things happening around you.

Whatever happens between the two of you, the interest of the child should always come first, because at the end of the day that is what would count the most.

Good luck.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I Find Good Girl At Last, But Far Distance



Dear Agatha,


My relationship with members of the opposite sex hasn’t been very smooth, hence my need of your help.

I have had the fortune of meeting women who end up hurting me. There was one, whom I gave my whole heart and wealth. Despite my commitment to her, she left me to marry another man.

After she left me, I went into another relationship only for her to be putting unnecessary pressures on me. She kept asking when I would come and see her people to start marriage process proper. I told her it would take a while due to the situation of things. She got angry and left me. That was how that relationship ended. We were sleeping together without any form of protection due to the confidence we have in each other.

Recently, I fell in love with a girl who loves me as much as I do her, but the challenge we are facing has to do with our locations. She stays in Aba while I work in Lagos. She is complaining about the distance and the loneliness, but there is no way I can leave my job to be with her.

The question now is what do I do?

Samuel.


Dear Samuel,

It is natural for her to complain, but then she must be made to understand this early to value the essence of you working as well as your lack of control over where your employer posts you.

Often than not, it has to do with the issue of trust. Being away from each other, you both risk the danger of capitulating to other relationships, especially you as a man. This is her fear. Every woman wants to be near her man both for company and to ensure security of her position. Underneath her complains are fears of someone else taking her position in your life.

She needs assurances that your love for her is solid and would not be replaced by another woman. Explaining to her what makes her unique would go a long way in assuring her of the truthfulness of your words as well as the depth of your feelings for her. In addition, always make out time every day to talk to her. Both of you may be separated by distance, but talking on the phone regularly guarantees the excitement of the relationship. Even if both of you are together and fail to explore the art of effective communication, the relationship will still suffer. One of the advantages of distant communication is that it teaches the couple to talk openly about almost anything and everything. This is one thing both of you can grow to your advantage. Whether you are both together or not, being able to communicate dispels a lot of suspicions as well as gloom that comes from two people who love each other passionately staying apart.

Also encourage her to come for visits when she feels like. Don’t attempt to restrict her desire t o see you whenever she feels like. Giving her a date to come and when not to come could create suspicions in her heart. At all times, she must be able to come and go when she feels like. This will give her a measure of security that there is no one else in your life, and as well enable her to give you her trust to function in peace.

You have to give her enough room to trust you by going out of your way to be transparent to her even, though she lives far from you. If she knows she can call you at anytime of the day and you would pick the phone, even during official hours to at least explain to her why you can attend to her immediately as well as anytime of the night, she will have the confidence to give you her trust as well as the patience to make the relationship work.

On your part too, you must also take time out to visit her unannounced, because you also need the assurances that you can also trust her to remain above board.

Relationship is about mutual trust and confidence to move ahead.

Let her know ahead of days you would be very busy just in case you are unable to attend to her calls the way you should. Giving her a rough idea of what your daily schedule would look like will keep her informed about your movements, temperament, attitude, availability as well as unavailability at any particular time.

You could work your annual leave to conform with her holiday period if a student or with hers if she is a worker.

Furthermore, you both must have an idea of how you would progress and this must include a possible date of when you both plan to be together in the same place. This is important if the relationship is to progress beyond this stage. There is no way you can keep your living apart indefinite if you intend taking this relationship further than this. There must be an expiry date to this arrangement, because while true loyalty stabilises a relationship, the heart is the bridge that binds it. If the heart grows suspicious it becomes difficult to curtail.

Always ask for the grace of God to do what is right.

Good luck.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Jilted Man’s Love For Ex Still Strong


Dear Agatha,


I thank God for the solutions you keep proffering to the many problems people bring to you. I am a regular reader of your column. In fact, it is what influenced my choice of the titles of Independent Newspapers.

I have a friend who was involved in oath taking with his former girlfriend. It all happens that they have been in a relationship for quite sometimes and anytime you see one of them, it means the other one is right behind. Along the line, the lady now decided they take an oath to keep them together irrespective of what comes their way.

Subsequently they both took an oath, but she later left him to marry another man in a traditional way. After the birth of her first child, she and the man went their different ways and the child was taken to the lady’s mother, but later died.

At present, she and her husband live separately. My friend still feels for her and has asked for my advice. Please what do I tell him on this particular issue?

The lady too has been unable to have a settled relationship since then.

Expected Friend.


Dear Expected Friend,

Advise them to go for deliverance, if they hope to be free of the covenant they entered into with each other.

Any oath that involves blood exchange is considered very serious. To God, blood is life. To have exchanged blood means the oath goes beyond the ordinary. It becomes a spiritual bond, which only the power of God as represented by the blood of Jesus Christ can neutralise. Hence the essence of going for deliverance in a church is to ask God to direct them.

It is important they seek the face of God in this because churches these days come with different agenda and callings. While some are absolutely deliverance ministries, some focus more on salvation; others on praise worship, while others are merely after miracles. If you go to one founded on miracles, the deliverance may not be complete. Deliverance isn’t something every pastor is anointed to carry out.

Bringing in the presence of God will also save them from fakes who could capitalise on this to make unnecessary demands on them.

If they don’t do it, they would continue to have problems in their other relationship because, spiritually they have a bond, which makes it difficult for anybody outside the two of them to have a normal life. This is why the woman couldn’t function in the life of another man and until she goes through a comprehensive deliverance.

The issue of your friend still carrying a touch for her in his heart doesn’t arise. She is married even though she and the man are separated. As a good friend and one interested in her happiness, what you should do is to encourage her to go back to her husband. Go to the husband if he lives very close to both of you, to try to see if there is a possibility of the two of them coming together. Chances are that the issue with them is spiritual and once she undergoes a deliverance programme, she would have the peace of mind to live with her husband.

Explaining to her husband what the possible problem is with her as well as their marriage could resolve the disagreement between them. If for nothing, it would help him appreciate the issues at stake as well as inform him on what sort of help and understanding to offer her.

As for your friend, let him move forward with his life. This woman doesn’t love him as much as he thinks. If she did, she wouldn’t have married the man she got married to. That she left him to marry another man despite the covenant between them shows that she doesn’t love him as much as he thinks.

Life is a gamble and most times things do not always turn out the way we planned them. Life goes up and down and whatever God has ordained will never cease to happen. Your friend and his former girlfriend didn’t wait for the direction of God at all. They wanted things to happen the way they wanted without putting the will of God into it. By taking the oath to stay together, they wanted to enforce what God didn’t plan for them hence the problems they are both facing.

Asking God for forgiveness as well as an effective deliverance will ease whatever emotional problems is coming from this woman breaking the oath they both took. He also has to learn to let go of the memories of the two of them. Whatever happened between them should remain in the past because that is the only way the future can have meaning to him. When we refuse to leave the past, it has a way of impeding our progress, preventing us from X-raying the future and giving it the needed attention to make us move beyond the point the past has left us.

His inability to let go of the memories of his relationship with this lady, even after she got married to someone else is one the reasons he is having problems in his own life. You cannot hold on to a dream about one person and expect to see anything good in another person. This lady has to vacate his life for another woman to find space and peace in his heart to exist.

Even if he goes through deliverance and still refuses to let go of her memories in his heart, he would still continue to have problems.

Tell both of them to have faith in God because that is the main key to a successful deliverance.

Good luck.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I Want My Mother-in-law To Leave

Dear Agatha,

Before I say anything I want to appreciate your commitment to your God given assignment. Having read other columns like yours, I make bold to say yours is way above because of the seriousness as well as honesty you bring to bear on issues. God is really using you and I pray He will also solve your own problems too.

Please help me recover my home. How do I make my mother-in-law leave, wean my husband from her apron strings and keep his family at bay?

For the six years I have been married, I haven’t enjoyed any moment of peace in my home. If my mother-in-law isn’t breathing down my neck, it is one of my husband’s siblings asking for something. Whenever I complain, he says it is because I don’t like his family coming close to him.

The recent incident that is making me share my story with you and the public has to do with the issue of his determination to send their last born to a private university. Although the lady has since resumed at the Covenant University, the dust generated by this decision of his is threatening to the peace of our home. This is because I also have to send my younger brother to school and need the money to pay his school fees at a private university I also wish him to attend.

My salary can’t afford the fees and he is refusing helping me to pick the bills whereas, he would gladly do it if the request coming from his own side of the family. He said he would pay the fees being demanded by the University of Lagos and that if I move him out of the place to a private university, he won’t pay. He is our only boy and I want the best for him.

Because of this issue, he has stopped coming home early saying I am nagging him. Weekends he takes off with the children leaving me on my own. He seems to be avoiding my company all because I insist he pays my brother’s fees. Is it right? If I have tolerated him wasting funds on his family, coped with his mother’s constant present, her harassment and criticism, why is it difficult for him too to make me happy by doing this for me? Don’t I have the right to make demands on him? Are my people too not entitled to his income? I am really hurt and it is all beginning to affect my marriage. I now see him as being wicked, uncaring and insensitive to the things that are important to me.

I honestly feel like ending it all. Please help me Agatha because I am fed up.

Hurting Wife.


Dear Hurting Wife,

Be careful you don’t import a foreign problem into your marriage. What would be your excuse for ending your marriage? That he is caring for his family, repaying a debt he owes his mother who from the day she conceived him to the day you married him, was there by his side or because he offered to pay for your brother’s university education in a Federal Government-owned university, instead of the private university, you want him to go on account of your husband sending his sibling to a private one?

You are allowing the jealousy of your husband’s close relationship with his family prejudice your handling of this matter.

In the first place, he hasn’t said he won’t help your family just that he cannot afford to send him to a private university. As a good wife, you should first of all appreciate this gesture on his part because in all sincerity, it isn’t part of his responsibility to train your brother. That he is offering to, underscores his love and respect for you, so say thank you first for this offer.

We get the best out of people when we learn to appreciate the little things they do for us first. Telling him thank you could make him change his mind about his decision but insisting he does the same thing he is doing for his family for yours isn’t right in the sense that this family made him the finished product you love and are living with today. If his mother didn’t train him, care for him, provide him with all the support base for the realisation of his dreams, would you have gone out with him or married him for that matter?

Whatever he is today comes from that woman you now think has no right to his money and time. Those siblings you think don’t deserve his attention taught him how to care and be responsible. Without them to help him learn how to relate with other people, take into consideration their emotions, perhaps he wouldn’t be so perfect for you. Whatever the flaws you see in him are the very things that made him so special to you and ideal enough for you to marry. Learn to appreciate this very important thing if you hope to be happy and enjoy peace in this marriage.

Don’t forget you are also a woman, a mother who would one day become a mother-in-law. How would you feel if your daughter-in-law in later years prevents her husband from helping the same people he grew up with? Stop you from visiting your son and making demands on his money and time on account of her being his wife? In this woman’s shoes how would you feel? Happy that you are no longer welcomed in the house of the man you gave life to, made sacrifices for, endured long hours of anxiety when sick or depressed? Don’t forget this woman could have stopped you from coming into her family if she wanted to. She didn’t because she felt you could make her son happy. If you are accusing her of putting unnecessary pressure on her son to do her bidding what would you call what you are doing, putting pressure on him to pay your brother’s tuition?

If you are really desirous of your sibling attending a private university, why not make up the difference since he has offered to pay the fees in his current university? Why would you want your brother to attend a school you cannot afford to pay for? Being your brother and your desire for him to have what you think is the best, collect whatever your husband is offering and balance it for the sake of peace in your home. If you play your cards well by being grateful and full of respect for him, he might decide to pay the fees in full not because he has the money but to reciprocate your respect and appreciation of his person. It isn’t just you but your brother too has to learn to show appreciation to avoid taking liberty for granted. This may be difficult for him to do if you as his sister fails to package your husband to earn the respect of your family. If you persist in disrobing your husband on account of his refusal to send your brother to a private university in the presence of your family, it may not augur well for you in the long run because they would use the same words you used against him to drag you in the mud too.

Be careful you don’t use your own hands to destroy your home. You have a good husband. Many men would rather call your bluff. Offering to pay the fees means he is meeting all the other obligations to you and the children.

On the contrary, you are the one being insensitive, wicked to yourself and family and completely unreasonable. You have a right to his time and money but your family doesn’t. If he is doing it, it is because he loves you and has come to accept your family as being part of the package. If he were to tow your line of argument, your family should be kept outside the marriage just as you want him to keep his family out of your home. Marriage is endurance, sacrifices, support, tolerance and plenty of trust in God. Your husband has made an important concession, in your interest you must learn to see his family as part of the package of being married to this man. If you fail to accept his people as yours, don’t nag or blame anybody when he also begins to demand your family stays out of his house. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Whatever the issues are with your marriage, invite the presence of God into it through prayers and not nagging.

Good luck.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

My Son Threatens To Sell Our House…


Dear Agatha,


Please help me resolve the crisis brewing among my children. I have four children, two boys and two girls. Since the death of my husband, I have tried my possible best to be a good mother to them all.

I honestly thought I had succeeded until this recent development among them. Recently, my second son, a replica of my late husband took certain money from my wardrobe. When I discovered the money was missing, I thought it was my eldest son and didn’t hesitate to accuse him of stealing my money. I know both of them are in the habit of pilfering, but this amount was too much for me to endure. It was the first time they would take as much as N10, 000 from my room. Besides, the money wasn’t mine. It belonged to someone in the office, and since I didn’t have money from anywhere to replace it immediately, I cried out.

I had already called the attention of my younger brother, whom I call frequently to effect discipline when they become too difficult for me to handle, upon the discovery that my second son actually took the money. By the time my brother came the whole matter had become too messy, as my other children had taken a stand against my second son and me. They didn’t stop at accusing me of favouring him more than the rest, but also think I am the cause of their bad behaviour, a position my brother agreed to.

The issue is so bad now that my eldest son took away the DVD machine at home to sell. And when I asked him, he said since I didn’t do anything to my second son when he took my money, he being the eldest reserved the right to do what he liked. He has threatened to dispose of the house we reside, the only thing their father left behind for them.

Please help me resolve this crisis among my children by telling me what to do. I have asked my eldest son to return the DVD machine he sold but he is adamant. Don’t know what to do to him.

Worried Mother.


Dear Worried Mother,

If your children are divided against themselves, it is because you didn’t do your job as a good mother. If your eldest son is selling off the property, it is because you licensed one of your sons to steal on account of him taking after your late husband in looks.

The sad truth is, if you don’t begin to play a fair game with all your children, not only would you be the doom of your sons but the girls too, who from the examples of their brothers either take to stealing or do other things to scandalise you the more.

To prevent the surprise of you coming home to meet the house already in the hands of its new owners, remove every document that has to do with the house to a place of safety. Your eldest son may not intend selling it, but could do so out of a sense of hurt as well as perceived injustice actually carry out his threat. Again, he may not be serious about selling the house, whereas your second son who seems able to get away with anything where you are concerned could wake one day and decide that the money he steals from you isn’t enough and that selling the house would be the only way he can raise the kind of money he needs. It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be caught on the wrong side napping.

Candidly, you need to apologise to your children because you wronged them as well as pushed them into situations they ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed their minds. There is no substitute to fairness in everything we do. Being fair means allowing the will of God to prevail at all times.

Much as I disapprove of what your eldest son did, why should he return the DVD machine when you are silent on the crime of stealing N10,000 by your second son took? What makes your second more of a son to you than your first? There is no way he would return that machine until you learn to be fair to all of them. Seeing that you are willing to condone and conceal murder as long as your second son is happy and protected while you demand for justice when it concerns the rest would prevent the return of your DVD machine.

If I were you, I won’t press too hard, rather would look for ways of ensuring that it never occurs again by disciplining the second son severely for his audacity to go into my room to take money not meant for him. It is the only way you can buy back your integrity as a mother and the head of the home. Since you lack the strength to apply sanctions, call in your brother to do it for you. The punishment should be such that the others would see that actually justice being done and also the process of your second’s recovery programme. The danger of allowing things to continue this way is the possibility of him joining up with other criminally minded persons in the society. By then, it won’t just be your brother and children witnessing your shame, but the whole society who would question your sense of judgement as a mother.

Yes, he is like your husband, but the question you should ask is, would he be happy at the way you are bringing up this child? Would he support you turning his child into an armed robber? That you discipline a child doesn’t mean you hate a child. The Bible is very explicit on discipline. Nobody is saying you should not pamper a child, but when it becomes unreasonable you expose the child to man’s natural vile. When this child becomes too large for you to manage, it won’t be because you love him too much but that you are an irresponsible and very careless mother.

For this reason, you must do everything to beat him back into shape. Show him that he can’t always have everything in life. That life is about choices of what you want and what you need. He may want the whole world, but does he need the things he is asking for, stealing your money to buy? Because you have allowed him to escape with the idea that he can always get what he wants, he won’t stop at stealing your things, but also those of other people around too when he doesn’t get anything to take in the house.

Asking your children for forgiveness would first of all douse the tension generated by your levity in handling the matter. At the meeting, be humble enough to admit your mistake as well as discuss how you intend moving the family forward.

If you are honest and your other children see you are serious about changing the situation in the house, they would begin to change for the best. And on those days you make mistakes, they will understand that it is part of life and offer you their support to succeed.

As a mother who loves her children, always go to God day and night because parenting isn’t an easy task. There is a fine line between love and indulgence. You need His presence to constantly remind you when to draw the line, to remind you when to laugh and when to frown at them, when to joke and when to scold them. Always commit them into the able hands of God who has the ability to control the excesses of the youths.

Good luck

Re: Pregnant For My Husband’s Friend, Doctor Doubts Abortion



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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Thinking Of Leaving Him To Heal My Shattered Heart…


Dear Agatha,

How does one handle a severe heartbreak? I didn’t do anything to my boyfriend, but he suddenly stopped calling and accepting my calls. He won’t even respond to the several text messages I sent him. We live in different states, but his close friends there with him kept calling, urging me to be patient with him, and arguing that it was a phase that will soon fade.

We had discussed the possibility of getting married in January, but as things stand now, I don’t know what to do. To be frank, I don’t understand him, as he appears so complex.

Right now, I feel like ending it all, because I can’t handle my love for him or his attitude towards me. Please help me. I want to end it but something keeps telling me not to.

Heart-broken Girl.


Dear Heart-broken Girl,

Hearts are meant to be broken and mended when one is matured enough to fall in love. It is an experience both the young, old, strong, weak, rich and poor go through. When our hearts break, there is a lesson God wants us to learn from the whole thing. That we are heart-broken at times doesn’t mean the relationship has come to an end, when it comes in the middle of a relationship, it is meant to help it grow along the right path.

God that knows both of you more than anyone else could be using this period to prepare you especially for the challenges ahead of you in the life of this man. Without experiencing the pains of longing for him as well as missing him, the right attitude to deal with later challenges will not be there, hence may take decisions that would end up being regrettable. Even if this relationship doesn’t work at the end of the day, at least the lessons of it will help you in your next one.

Since something is telling you not to end it, listen to the counsel of his friends who are pleading for patience. With patience comes understanding. You need to understand that he isn’t as perfect as you made him out to be, that as a human being, he could hurt and cause you deep pains like any other person.

The essence of this pain is to expose you to the power of your feelings for this man. It is intended to point you at the real person within which the flaw he is now manifesting. It could be God’s way of asking you how far are you prepared to go as well as your ability to forgive him to enable you perform the job He brought you to do in his life.

Everyman and woman have a defined role God assigned them in the lives of their partners. To help Him achieve His purpose, certain things are allowed to happen to us to get us through the grill.

Suicide is a weak man’s option. From time to time, send him text messages even if he doesn’t reply, declaring your love for him. If you can afford it go and visit him. But if you fear rejection don’t, at least until the picture becomes clearer. He hasn’t said he is ending it, but simply refusing to respond to your calls and text messages. If you end it on your own and he comes back to accuse you of impatience and lack of understanding of his person, he would appear blameless while you would be guilty. So take your time in making up your mind. Every relationship going through crisis is entitled to its day in court as well as period of healing.

While I appreciate that his attitude is very disturbing, and signals a possible change of heart, don’t assume everything you see to be real. If something is telling you not to end it, listen to the voice, it could be God speaking to you directly and offering to help you overcome this stage. Allow His presence to come into your life. Whatever the reason your man has for treating you this way would soon become manifest.

To help yourself through this trying period, learn to take each day as it comes. The day you feel the urge to hear from him, send him a text message at least to remind him you still care. Other days, you can manage it, remove your mind from him and concentrate on what it is you do. Listen to music you like, from experience, it is very therapeutic, read the Bible and learn to talk less to friends who may put pressure on you to do what you don’t want to do. It is always best the final decision of what to do in a relationship comes from the person involved and not as a result of pressures. If the process is permanent, you will forget him, but if meant to qualify the relationship, he would come back to you after a while.

Just keep praying for him too, to overcome whatever temptation confronting him.

Good luck.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My Last Wife Left On Platter Of Ego, Her Substitute Too Shallow…


Dear Agatha,


I appreciate your wisdom so much that I cannot fail to share my most intimate fear with you. I am a 34-year-old man living abroad, but I take out time to read your views often via Internet. I love your practical views on life so much that I feel like sharing my intimacy with you.

I suffered so much pain and agony in my last relationship that I had no other option than filing for divorce and getting on with my bruised life. My ex, our two children and I, joined my in-laws here, and suddenly the relationship turned to servant-master relationship, which I resisted and they decided to deal with me.

Before then, I was having issues with my wife, which ranged from resentment, humiliation and disrespect when I lost my job. I later got a better job, but that was the period the issue of coming abroad came up. It was a tough choice to make between my new job and giving my children the chance of coming abroad to better facilities.

Knowing that they stand better chances of quality education here, and since we were being invited, getting our travelling documents was easy, a chance I may never get again. So I decided to come with them. It was then the bossing around started. My wife and her family told me pointedly that I owed them a lot, because they facilitated my coming abroad. Because of that they dictated what I could do and what I couldn’t. Life became so miserable as I have no friend or relation to talk to.

After five months of staying with her family to be on our own. She steadily became worse as she refused to co-operate with me on anything. At a point I started seeing her with another man and confronted her, she said it was not my business that she has already told me she doesn't feel anything for me any more. She was always irritable, nothing I do, pleased her. She finally left me.

Despite leaving me of her own volition, she initiated court proceedings against me on the grounds of martial abuse and threat to life. She prayed for restriction order and my prosecution all of which the court dismissed and chastised her for lack of respect for her marriage.

It has been a year since we separated and I am thinking of moving on with my life.

There is this nice lady I planned to settle down with when I come back home. To my dismay, I just discovered she is academically dull; I love her so much but don't know how she can cope with the standard of foreign education when she is finding it very difficult to cope in Nigerian. I was hoping to send her to school here until I found out she didn’t pass her degree examinations. Already, I am under pressure here, paying to support for my children. It has also dawned on me that there is a need for economic consideration to be made not just love, as I would certainly need support from the woman who becomes my wife.

What do you think? I am afraid, economic stress may trigger another bad relationship, love or no love. I don’t know how to explain this to her, as she would definitely get hurt.

Your advice and sagely view will be highly appreciated and considered

Anonymous.


Dear Anonymous,

For how long have you known this woman? How far and deep have your discussions with her gone? What sort of person is she? Would she accept those children as hers? What sort of stepmother would she be to those children who need all the love and attention to grow healthy? What impression of yourself have you given her, and importantly what impression does she have of your staying abroad and the marriage institution generally?

If her impression of you is that of a millionaire, on account of you living abroad, your fears about the economic angle cannot therefore be dismissed. Having made a terrible mistake once, you must be careful not to make a greater mistake to avoid labelling yourself as an impossible man to live with.

Granted, the custody of the children is putting you under pressure to get them a new mother, however there is the need for caution so as not to inflict your children with more emotional trauma than they are already coping with. As a matter of fact you need their consent and support to bring in another woman, because she would not just be your wife but their mother as well. Therefore they have every right to know who this woman who is going to be occupying this important position in all their lives is before she becomes a permanent member of the family. Since this woman you plan to replace their mother with is in Nigeria, it might be a little difficult for you to organize their interactions first. Therefore, begin the sensitization before sending for this woman or any other woman you plan to marry from Nigeria.

Frankly, the interest of your children is more important than any economic consideration, because if you make a mistake with their feelings you may never get another chance to redeem it no matter how rich you become in life.

Must this woman have excellent intelligence before she can make you a good wife? Are you marrying her for the degrees she has or for the quality that would make you forget the mistake of your first marriage? What works for you? By now, you should know that marriage isn’t about the degrees one has, how rich or beautiful physically the person is, rather, it has to do with loyalty and commitment to one’s partner. If you and your former wife found the right ingredients, your marriage would have been able to overcome the hurdles her parents’ attitude and position put the marriage through. That it didn’t shows that certain things we consider important at the end of the day do not count after the relationship has been subjected to challenges of the laundry room.

If you love this woman as you say, why not call her and tell her about your situation, worries and expectations? Also hear what her vision for herself is. While some people are gifted academically, some are born into business. Don’t assume that because she appears to be on the down side of the academic ladder, she lacks the intelligence to make it in other areas of life. Her acumen and doggedness about issues are what should interest and engage your interest. Since you are the one with the knowledge of the place, why not investigate the type of business or job that doesn’t require premium degree to do? What she needs to get by is effective communication since she isn’t a complete illiterate.

It doesn’t have to be over. Sharing your fears with her would point you both at the many alternatives God in His wisdom always provide us with. But because you have been hurt and going through pressures, you can’t see beyond your immediate vicinity. Allowing innovation into your space will definitely open you up to the beauty God has invested in this life for you.

If you are honest with her, chances are that she would give you her best. Take care of those children like hers and the support to ease your financial worries. Many problems come in relationships and marriages when people are not honest, pretend to be who they are not and leave the other person grappling in the dark. If you allow her stay with the impression that life is very rosy for you, there is no way she would consider doing something to help you. Instead she would begin to nag your attitude and selfishness, and at the end of the day resent you for bringing her aboard to suffer.

But once she knows it is a life of struggling she is coming to when she joins you, you give her ample chance to either accept your proposal or reject you from the outset.

Because of your previous mistake, don’t leave God out of this important decision you are about to make. To do that would be to cause more problems for yourself and children. Pray before making any more move.

Good luck.