Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Avoid Virgins But My Fiancee Is One


Dear Agatha,


There is an issue I want you to help me with. In my secondary school days, I dated a girl whom I deflowered. Due to the very bitter way we parted and how she felt about the whole incident, I vowed never to go near a virgin again. I didn’t want either the hassle or attendant bitterness that follows especially on the part of the woman should the relationship go sour.

For a long time, I faithfully avoided girls who claim to be virgins but I am now in a big fix as the lady who has stolen my heart and I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with is a virgin.

Agatha, please instruct me on what to do because I can’t afford to lose this girl.

Kelly.


Dear Kelly,

Just learn to love her and be sensitive to her needs. The first girl was bitter because naively she thought giving you her special seed automatically would make you hers for life.

Unfortunately being young and restless, her dreams suffered a major setback hence her bitterness towards you. Having built her dreams round both of you marrying when you left school, the rude shock of you leaving her after taking away her pride as a woman influenced whatever reactions she exhibited then.

The first cut is the deepest and every woman’s first experience remains her most memorable. This is why many women feel bitter when the man they agreed to share this memorable moment, passage to womanhood with, disappoints them. Just like the first cut, the pains are indelible and never really go away from the memory.

When a woman gives her first seed in life, her innocence to a man, she does so with trust, love and conviction that the man is special hence special to be accorded such honour.

In turn she expects the man having received her highest and most precious gift to treat her with care, love and friendship; to always place her high and above all others.
When he fails to treat her in accordance with her expectations, she feels hurt, bitter and very resentful. Some diabolically minded women have placed some men under heavy spiritual bondages following such disappointments.

Since you have made up your mind to marry your current girlfriend, you have nothing to fear. Tell her about your first time with a virgin and how that experience scared you into making a vow never to date a virgin for the rest of your life.

Share the irony of fate with her on how the woman you love so much and want to spend the rest of your life with turns out to be a virgin.

Let her share her fantasies with you, how she wants to be handled by her mind. Being a virgin doesn’t mean she lacks ideas of the process of love-making. Listening to her and encouraging her to talk about her ideas would give you a clear understanding of how to please her in that area. Taking in her ideas would help you both translate your feelings into something wonderful that transforms sex into spiritual bond between a man and woman; that elevates it to love-making.

Beyond that however is the greater challenge of helping your relationship grow along the lines of happiness and fulfillment in other areas.

Doubtless, a wonderful love life is priceless but can only remain so if other areas of the relationship are cemented to give it a solid foundation to withstand and repel other contending issues that come up in marriages. For instance, if you both have the wrong attitudes to things, are selfish, don’t care about the needs and sensitivity of the other people, lack understanding of what marriage entails, disrespectful of each other’s positions in the home, are impatient and irresponsible, no matter how wonderful your love life is, there is a slim chance of the marriage working out.

So beyond the worry of how to deflower her nicely, lies the thorny trial of ensuring you both raise the bar of your relationship to a level where issues that destroy promising marriages are no longer able to affect you both.

Therefore in discussing her sexual fantasies, also encourage her to talk about her idea of a good marriage. You must have an idea of how she desires to be treated by her husband in and outside the bedroom as well as her temperament. You in turn must let her know how you feel about women and the running of the home. What roles you expect your wife to play in the marriage. Frequent discussions of issues affecting your lives together would help you both arrive at a compromise that would keep your marriage together in peace and harmony.

Good luck.